Tiny step forward....advice?

Old 06-26-2013, 02:31 PM
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Tiny step forward....advice?

Hi all. It's been a about a month or so since I last posted here. I started with a generic "is my GF an A? and moved on to this thread: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...bad-worse.html

After reading and listening to everyone's advice, I knew I needed to work on myself and try to move forward. Over the past month, things between me and my AGF went up and down. She continued to drink and deny any problem, only to seem like she was backing off the booze, only to drink even heavier, etc.

This finally escalated into an awful night, which was 2 days ago. When she drinks, she gets pretty mean, talks down to me, etc. I finally lost it and sort of blew up. I screamed and cursed, and generally completely lost my cool. She was very drunk at that point and got depressed, and well, it just wasn't a good night.

The next day, I asked if she wanted to talk about it. She couldn't remember most of what happened, so I recounted it for her.

Now, I had been working toward breaking up with her because she has never admitted there's a problem, and showed no signs of wanting to get help. But rather than turn the talk into a breakup (which is what I had been thinking of doing) I made it more of an intervention style talk. I told her how she treated me when drunk, how it made me feel, and so on.

Then three words came out of her mouth that I never thought I'd hear: I'm an alcoholic.

Anyone in my position probably realizes how strange this moment can be. I always thought it'd be the worst thing I could hear, but having her FINALLY admit it...it made me so happy. Strange...I know.

Anyway, she finally admitted it, and she said, "I need to get help." Another phrase I thought I'd never hear.

We talked at length about the road ahead, and how hard it would be. I admitted how close I'd come to breaking up with her. She told me that hearing how bad she's treated me is what finally broke through. (Though, i made it clear to her that she has to be doing this for her, and not just for me. She ensured me that was the case. I told her if it wasn't, it'd just turn into resentment, and she said she really, truly wants to get better, for her as well as me).

We had a doctor's apointment this morning to get her some pills to help with the withdrawal. There was a pretty significant set back when she drank before AND after the doctor's visit.

But then she took her handle of rum and poured it out.

When she gets home from work, she starts on the medication.

Okay. I'm sorry that was so long, but I had to get it all out. I do need advice now though, because I know this is going to be very hard and probably full of setbacks and relapses. I'm only cautiously optimistic, because she showed today that she couldn't even go the day of trying to quit without drinking. But now that she poured out the rest, and we have the meds, I'm hoping she will stay strong.

I've never been down this road before. What can I expect? How can I help her through this? We are going to get her in a group ASAP, but is there anything else I should be doing now, to make sure she keeps moving forward?

Thanks for your help.
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Old 06-26-2013, 02:44 PM
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I've never been down this road before. What can I expect? How can I help her through this? We are going to get her in a group ASAP, but is there anything else I should be doing now, to make sure she keeps moving forward?
Yep, take a step back and watch out for the "we" talk. That's your codependency at work. See what she does when you don't intervene. She's said the right things now -- but what will she do? Step back, do nothing, don't intervene, don't facilitate her recovery for her. Let your support be distant and detached.

Self-care for you will be very important during this time. Al-anon, learning about addiction, learning what true recovery looks like.
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Old 06-26-2013, 03:02 PM
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Florence is right, now is the time for you to keep your focus on you. Keep working your program and your recovery.

Also, just a cautionary note, I heard this from my AW several times. It is not unusual for the A to say whatever they can to salvage the situation. Pay attention to her actions and not her words, that is the truest indication of how things are really going.

Your friend,
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Old 06-26-2013, 03:08 PM
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Wow, thank you! I didn't even notice the "we" thing. I was so happy to hear her say that she wanted help, that I immediately slipped into the "we," telling her I'd be there for her and help her through it, etc.

So I have to just let her do this on her own (with groups, etc)?

I'm glad I posted, because I think I would have handled this the wrong way.

For instance, should I be looking for groups for her, or should I tell her to do that on her own?

Thanks!
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Old 06-26-2013, 03:15 PM
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Get thee to an Alanon meeting....

...try at least six meetings, some different, before deciding whether or not to continue. Alcoholics have a sixth sense about what to say in order not to lose their codependent enablers.

Your only hope, IMHO, to have any kind of life at all if you stay with this woman is to go to Alanon and work the steps with a sponsor.

Good luck from the seventh circle of hell. That's where I am because I didn't break up with an alcoholic girlfriend. I married mine and forfeit 15 years of my life, my house, my cars, and my jobs. And, bonus, I in the bargain I got an alcoholic/drug addict daughter-- we built her together.

Winning!

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Old 06-26-2013, 03:32 PM
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No, she should be doing the heavy lifting in terms of her own recovery.

You can tell her that AA Intergroups usually have local meeting schedules on their websites, and that if she would like to have someone take her to her first meeting, she can call Intergroup and they should be able to send someone to do that. I would NOT go with her to her first meetings. Not to say you can NEVER go with her, but she needs to make the initial steps on her own if she is going to get any staying power.

If she is serious, she needs to do the work, and she needs to do it herself. There is plenty of help available for her from other sober alcoholics, and THOSE are the people she needs to learn to rely on, and to reach out to for help.
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Old 06-26-2013, 04:07 PM
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I read your other thread. Pretty tough to read because I was there. Now I'm here.
In retrospect, here's what I have to say.
If things don't change now, they will get worse and far more complicated.
I may not be sitting in the same circle as Cyranoak but perhaps the 5th or 6th circle? I don't know but it sucks.

Much like m1 said, the AW will say anything to salvage something. My AW told me not too long ago that she got sober because she was afraid of me leaving her. She's back to drinking...

I honestly hate saying this but, man, you have an opportunity in front of you to change your life for ever. Make the right decision. Take your time. Think about you. Think about tomorrow.

I love me and my son more than anything but a day doesn't go by where I wish I had made a better choice and that is a hard concept to deal with. Every day.
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Old 06-26-2013, 04:12 PM
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onipar, since she is, apparently, doing a home detox, be aware that a person can get into complications. She should not be alone during this time--at least, someone in the same domicile. For example--anyone can have a withdrawl seizure, strike their head, etc.... Also she might decide to drink on top of the meds and accidently overdose....you get the picture. Don't hesitate to seek emergency care if things get out of control.

If she is young and in good health, she should be o.k. But, o ne never wants to tempt fate when safety is concerned.

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Old 06-26-2013, 06:25 PM
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Thank you all so much.

Believe me when I say, the thought of breaking up and withdrawing myself from eh situation completely has never been far from my thoughts. I'm still considering it even now. But because I love her (maybe the worst reason in the world?) I am going to stick it out through this detox. She may not make it to sobriety; I know that. Or she may make it only to relapse; I know that too. But I'm giving it this chance.

Hell, even if she *does* make it, we may still break up. I'm ready for any eventuality.

Dandylion, thank for the warning. We did get some medication to make the detox safer, but I'll be here with her in case of any emergencies. I can only hope she doesn't try to find or sneak any booze while on the meds, but one never can tell.

Again, thank you all. I am going to let her do the heavy lifting for her own recovery, and I will continue to consider breaking up.
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Old 06-26-2013, 07:34 PM
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Maybe this will help

Omnipar, I see so much of myself in your writings! I am new to this forum, but far from a beginner when it comes to alcoholics.

I have found that what I say and what I do makes very little difference in my AB's recovery/relapse cycling. What I'm learning to do is take care of me. This is the only way I'm going to come out of this with any sanity left. I've recently discovered a blog called Through an Alanon Filter. This woman has been writing about her life with an alcoholic husband and her experiences with Alanon for several years. I am completely enthralled with it, and feel like I'm starting to find a little peace at last. It really helps to gain perspective reading about another's similar experiences and how they have dealt with them. Perhaps it would be helpful for you too.

Because I'm so new to this forum, it won't let me post a link, but if you google "through an alanon filter" it should come up for you.

I wish you patience and wisdom, and wish for her the strength to recover.
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Old 06-26-2013, 08:46 PM
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PS, I'm really not into Alanon as the spiritual stuff doesn't really click with me, but if you filter all that out, there are some really great insights and perspectives.
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Old 06-27-2013, 02:24 AM
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My son spent 1 night in the ER when detoxing and then they called us to come and get him. We took him to the Dr. to get meds for the next couple of weeks of detox. I got rid of all alcohol in the house so that he couldn't drink on the meds. His dr. sent him to a therapist for cognitive behavior therapy and I asked him if he wanted to go to AA. He did. Because he was on meds for 2 weeks and couldn't drive I drove him to meetings and dropped him off. I didn't go in with him. It was a rough 2 weeks for me because sometimes I ended up taking a book and sitting in the parking lot for an hour. After he went off the meds he drove himself to all meetings and appts. I didn't ask if he was going or not going. That was and still is his responsibility. My part was learning to take care of myself. I started attending Al Anon. Unfortunately there's nothing you can do to help your wife move forward. It's all up to her.
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Old 06-27-2013, 11:24 AM
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Hopefully she is sincere about wanting to get help. SHE needs to be the one getting it though. Unfortunately, the things she said are classic A. They tend to know what to say and when in order to avoid certain things (like you ending the relationship.) Her actions over the next few months will show you whether she meant it or not. My STBXAH gave me lip service quite frequently when he knew it would benefit him. He would even go a month or so without drinking...but it always came back and I should have seen the signs, because he wouldn't do the work. It was all just to apease me. Just take a step back and watch her actions. You will know soon enough whether she is serious about helping herself. Good luck
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Old 06-29-2013, 09:34 AM
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Are you a doctor?

The fact that you think you are qualified to be with her during detox is a sign that YOU are far sicker than you know.

Ignore me and Shellcursher at your peril. Neither you, nor her, nor this situation are unique. It's a story many times told, and 99 percent of the time with the same result.

Everybody thinks their situation will be unique. Theirs will be different. Love will conquer all.

It's not. It won't. It won't.

C-

Originally Posted by onipar View Post
Thank you all so much.

Believe me when I say, the thought of breaking up and withdrawing myself from eh situation completely has never been far from my thoughts. I'm still considering it even now. But because I love her (maybe the worst reason in the world?) I am going to stick it out through this detox. She may not make it to sobriety; I know that. Or she may make it only to relapse; I know that too. But I'm giving it this chance.

Hell, even if she *does* make it, we may still break up. I'm ready for any eventuality.

Dandylion, thank for the warning. We did get some medication to make the detox safer, but I'll be here with her in case of any emergencies. I can only hope she doesn't try to find or sneak any booze while on the meds, but one never can tell.

Again, thank you all. I am going to let her do the heavy lifting for her own recovery, and I will continue to consider breaking up.
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Old 06-30-2013, 02:18 PM
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Edited.
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Old 06-30-2013, 03:39 PM
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Onipar---how are you doing??

dandylion
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Old 06-30-2013, 07:17 PM
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Not well.

I am planning on breaking up with my AGF tomorrow (she works till midnight tonight, and I don't want to do it right when she gets off work).

She didn't drink, but it came to my attention today that she sneaked into a dresser drawer where percosets are hidden, and she stole 14 of them. As I've said in past threads, I've already been close to breaking up with her, and this is basically the final straw.

I AM doing this, but I could use some advice, because she has borderline personality disorder, and is suicidal. She has tried to kill herself before (never while with me though). And since she lives with me, after I end it, it may take up to a week for her to find someplace to go.

Any threads, websites, suggestions to do this as carefully as possible would be helpful. As I said, I AM doing it, I'm just worried it will end with her attempting suicide.
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Old 06-30-2013, 07:30 PM
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Hi Onipar,

Sorry---this all sounds very hard. I know that borderline personality disorder can be tricky, so I don't have any advice, but I'm sure someone will come along soon.

Glad you are taking care of yourself and getting away from this destructive relationship.

Hope you keep posting and getting support here.

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Old 06-30-2013, 07:46 PM
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Sorry to hear things are rough right now. I don't have any advice in terms of BPD or potential suicidality, except that you cannot be hostage to someone else's instability. If she makes threats or tries to harm herself in your presence, call 911. If she does something like that, it is not your fault. I'm sure you will be as kind as you can be without giving in to threats or manipulation.

Hugs, keep us posted. I know how difficult it is to break up with someone who doesn't have a lot of emotional resources.
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Old 06-30-2013, 08:37 PM
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Thank you both. People here have been telling me for over a month to break up with her. I tried to give it as much time as possible, but I guess I always knew it would come down to this. It had to.

She will absolutely try to manipulate me with the old standbys: she has nowhere to go, what about her job, she always knew I'd leave her because of her illnesses, etc. But it's time, and she had too many chances already.

Thank you all for your support. I will keep you updated.
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