Facebook snooping on XABF...why did I do this to myself?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 188
Facebook snooping on XABF...why did I do this to myself?
Hey everyone,
It has been a while since I've posted here. Good to be back!
In that time, I read Co Dependent No More and it was an eye-opening experience. Out of the many wonderful pieces of advice, a simple phrase struck me: "Give yourself a hug." It is such a simple yet powerful message. Why hadn't I been making myself the priority and practicing self-love all of my life? (Of course, therapy will be important for me since I am the adult child of an alcoholic, had a very dysfunction childhood, etc.)
Taking the advice from the book, I sat down and made a very long list of short-term and life-long goals. Perhaps for the first time in my life, I realized, "Yes, I CAN have it all!"
With that said, I'm still struggling with anger, pain, and sadness. And a lot of it.
My XABF and his new wife (who was appointed as the supervisor) had their first weekend supervised visitation about two weeks ago. It was the first time I had been face to face with his wife. (For brief context, they started seeing each other when my ex and I were still together and our son was a baby---so lots of bad blood is still there.) I walked my son up to their car, and she simply turned around, glanced at me, then looked to my son and told him "hi!" with such a familiarity that cut straight through to my heart. (For more brief context, they got married, had our son at their wedding, and his wife had aready formed a relationship with my son without my knowledge.) They returned him a few hours later in one piece and my son seemed happy. Despite all of my own feelings, pain, and trauma, my son's safety and happiness with his father is more important here.
Earlier today, I checked my ex's fb which I do every once in a while so I can gather any evidence about his drinking (we have another hearing in November and I want to be as prepared as possible). Well, he had several pics posted with his wife, including a picture of them drinking beers together at a baseball game. They both look so normal, so happy, like everything is just roses and sunshine AND so many of his family members "liked" their photo. In the moment that I saw those pictures, everything I have been reading and working on in therapy flew out the window. It's what I wanted so badly for my son and I---to be with my him, to have a family together with our son, to spend quality time together. My ex and I never even lived together or were ever married---but he did both with her and more. Logically, I know I am WAYYY better off because my ex is a cheater, liar, alcoholic, controlling, etc. No matter how hard I try, I just can't let go of this family fantasy or this pain.
When I first saw the wife in the car during their first visitation, my first reaction was anger. I thought to myself, "Why are you just sitting there like nothing has happened? After all this time? After all this energy? After your husband lost custody of his child? Can't you seen things are very WRONG here???" Later, when I spoke with a friend about this situation, she questioned why the wife is such a trigger for me. She said, "Maybe you are really angry at *yourself* because you stayed with him so long." (My ex and I were together for five very rocky and unhealthy years.)
I have been making progress on my recovery, but now it feels like I have gone back a couple of big steps. Logically, I know I have the best possible outcome---I have full custody, my ex only has supervsed visitation and he has been ordered not to drink before or after his visits, I am working on myself and trying to improve my life and my son's life and so forth.
But why does this keep hurting? My ex has repeatedly demonstrated his character---from his alcoholism, to his lies, to his cheating, to his verbal and physical abuse against his wife, to his lack of morals. But how can him and his wife look so happy in a photo? And why does it hurt me so badly? I very much dislike the fact that I am giving them power over me. I should just be able to shrug and brush it off, keep my serenity intact and just move on with my life, right?
To avoid this in the future, one plan of action I plan to take is to ask a friend to check my ex's FB for further evidence of his alcohol consumption. Another goal is to always keep my serenity intact at all times. And to keep working on myself and my goals. In fact, just last week I went to a national academic conference in Philly and I got very positive feedback on the paper I presented. I was also able to re-connect with some of my academic friends and we confided many things to each other, personally and professionally. It was a healng experience.
Just venting some of my thoughts. Hugs appreciated.
It has been a while since I've posted here. Good to be back!
In that time, I read Co Dependent No More and it was an eye-opening experience. Out of the many wonderful pieces of advice, a simple phrase struck me: "Give yourself a hug." It is such a simple yet powerful message. Why hadn't I been making myself the priority and practicing self-love all of my life? (Of course, therapy will be important for me since I am the adult child of an alcoholic, had a very dysfunction childhood, etc.)
Taking the advice from the book, I sat down and made a very long list of short-term and life-long goals. Perhaps for the first time in my life, I realized, "Yes, I CAN have it all!"
With that said, I'm still struggling with anger, pain, and sadness. And a lot of it.
My XABF and his new wife (who was appointed as the supervisor) had their first weekend supervised visitation about two weeks ago. It was the first time I had been face to face with his wife. (For brief context, they started seeing each other when my ex and I were still together and our son was a baby---so lots of bad blood is still there.) I walked my son up to their car, and she simply turned around, glanced at me, then looked to my son and told him "hi!" with such a familiarity that cut straight through to my heart. (For more brief context, they got married, had our son at their wedding, and his wife had aready formed a relationship with my son without my knowledge.) They returned him a few hours later in one piece and my son seemed happy. Despite all of my own feelings, pain, and trauma, my son's safety and happiness with his father is more important here.
Earlier today, I checked my ex's fb which I do every once in a while so I can gather any evidence about his drinking (we have another hearing in November and I want to be as prepared as possible). Well, he had several pics posted with his wife, including a picture of them drinking beers together at a baseball game. They both look so normal, so happy, like everything is just roses and sunshine AND so many of his family members "liked" their photo. In the moment that I saw those pictures, everything I have been reading and working on in therapy flew out the window. It's what I wanted so badly for my son and I---to be with my him, to have a family together with our son, to spend quality time together. My ex and I never even lived together or were ever married---but he did both with her and more. Logically, I know I am WAYYY better off because my ex is a cheater, liar, alcoholic, controlling, etc. No matter how hard I try, I just can't let go of this family fantasy or this pain.
When I first saw the wife in the car during their first visitation, my first reaction was anger. I thought to myself, "Why are you just sitting there like nothing has happened? After all this time? After all this energy? After your husband lost custody of his child? Can't you seen things are very WRONG here???" Later, when I spoke with a friend about this situation, she questioned why the wife is such a trigger for me. She said, "Maybe you are really angry at *yourself* because you stayed with him so long." (My ex and I were together for five very rocky and unhealthy years.)
I have been making progress on my recovery, but now it feels like I have gone back a couple of big steps. Logically, I know I have the best possible outcome---I have full custody, my ex only has supervsed visitation and he has been ordered not to drink before or after his visits, I am working on myself and trying to improve my life and my son's life and so forth.
But why does this keep hurting? My ex has repeatedly demonstrated his character---from his alcoholism, to his lies, to his cheating, to his verbal and physical abuse against his wife, to his lack of morals. But how can him and his wife look so happy in a photo? And why does it hurt me so badly? I very much dislike the fact that I am giving them power over me. I should just be able to shrug and brush it off, keep my serenity intact and just move on with my life, right?
To avoid this in the future, one plan of action I plan to take is to ask a friend to check my ex's FB for further evidence of his alcohol consumption. Another goal is to always keep my serenity intact at all times. And to keep working on myself and my goals. In fact, just last week I went to a national academic conference in Philly and I got very positive feedback on the paper I presented. I was also able to re-connect with some of my academic friends and we confided many things to each other, personally and professionally. It was a healng experience.
Just venting some of my thoughts. Hugs appreciated.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by butterfly2013 
But how can him and his wife look so happy in a photo? And why does it hurt me so badly?
It's understandable begrudging them their happiness. But it's healthier to focus on yours.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I agree with Carl above - you really don't know what goes on behind the happy Facebook photos. So our minds run away with it and create some idealized version of what we didn't get...that's human nature.
Having someone else gather the evidence is a good first step. Maybe some counseling, too? And lastly, time. Give yourself time to heal. And know its ok to be sad and disappointed and jealous that this women seems to have gotten everything you wanted, probably deserved, and never got yourself. Those emotions are ok. Feel them, and then let them go.
Congrats on presenting at a conference! That's an accomplishment - be proud of yourself!
Peace,
~T
Having someone else gather the evidence is a good first step. Maybe some counseling, too? And lastly, time. Give yourself time to heal. And know its ok to be sad and disappointed and jealous that this women seems to have gotten everything you wanted, probably deserved, and never got yourself. Those emotions are ok. Feel them, and then let them go.
Congrats on presenting at a conference! That's an accomplishment - be proud of yourself!
Peace,
~T
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 188
Thank you for the replies and hugs 
I agree, it's just a photo. The look happy in that picture, but then I think of the way my ex treats women. For example, he refers to women as "b*tches" and when I first found out he was cheating on me with her, he said that she is the one that pursued him and he described her as "a piece of sh*t that won't flush." Recently, one of his sisters told me that the wife calls her almost every day, crying, saying she is "stuck" and can't leave. But I guess those details don't really matter, as long as they don't hurt my child that is. What really matters is my own recovery, health, and happiness.
I guess another part of my sadness lies with the fact that, as evidenced by his FB photos, he is still drinking despite the Court's ruling that he has a alcohol problem (hence the reasoning behind the supervised visitation). Furthermore, his wife seems to be happily drinking along with him. That shows me that 1) he is not in recovery and 2) she is enabling his drinking. I just take comfort in the fact that I have full custody and I must keep reminding myself that more will be revealed.
I agree, it's just a photo. The look happy in that picture, but then I think of the way my ex treats women. For example, he refers to women as "b*tches" and when I first found out he was cheating on me with her, he said that she is the one that pursued him and he described her as "a piece of sh*t that won't flush." Recently, one of his sisters told me that the wife calls her almost every day, crying, saying she is "stuck" and can't leave. But I guess those details don't really matter, as long as they don't hurt my child that is. What really matters is my own recovery, health, and happiness.
I guess another part of my sadness lies with the fact that, as evidenced by his FB photos, he is still drinking despite the Court's ruling that he has a alcohol problem (hence the reasoning behind the supervised visitation). Furthermore, his wife seems to be happily drinking along with him. That shows me that 1) he is not in recovery and 2) she is enabling his drinking. I just take comfort in the fact that I have full custody and I must keep reminding myself that more will be revealed.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
Hi Butterfly,
I totally agree with Doggonecarl and TG!! You are projecting something onto those photos that isn't there. First off, they are drinking in them, which right there proves he is not sober, and we all know what that means.
Facebook bugs me because it has turned into such a marketing tool now, even for individuals. The crap people post is, in my experience, mainly BS. I just caught up with an old friend, and from FB, you would have thought her life was perfect, but in reality she was an absolute wreck.
I think it's a great idea to have your friend check your ex's page. Maybe defriend him, or at least block him. Protect your serenity at all costs, like you said!!
I also agree with TG that your feelings are totally normal. I would feel exactly the same way you do. Don't be hard on yourself for feeling the way you do, and find comfort in the fact that some day soon you won't feel that way anymore. You will heal from this and look back with relief you are no longer with him. You will probably feel sorry for his new wife too. I do. She is really going to pay a price for messing around with him. I would not wish her life on anyone.
Hugs
I totally agree with Doggonecarl and TG!! You are projecting something onto those photos that isn't there. First off, they are drinking in them, which right there proves he is not sober, and we all know what that means.
Facebook bugs me because it has turned into such a marketing tool now, even for individuals. The crap people post is, in my experience, mainly BS. I just caught up with an old friend, and from FB, you would have thought her life was perfect, but in reality she was an absolute wreck.
I think it's a great idea to have your friend check your ex's page. Maybe defriend him, or at least block him. Protect your serenity at all costs, like you said!!
I also agree with TG that your feelings are totally normal. I would feel exactly the same way you do. Don't be hard on yourself for feeling the way you do, and find comfort in the fact that some day soon you won't feel that way anymore. You will heal from this and look back with relief you are no longer with him. You will probably feel sorry for his new wife too. I do. She is really going to pay a price for messing around with him. I would not wish her life on anyone.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 336
Its all a lie - don't believe it. He is still the same person and she is headed for real misery. Alcoholics really need to put this show on for the outside world. I know how lonely I used to feel when I was with AH no matter what the pictures looked like - horrible feeling - would rather live alone till I die and get eaten by my cats that EVER have to feel like that again.
Give it time and soon you and I won't care what they are doing - we will be too busy having all the things we ever wanted!
Keep going - you're doing great!
Give it time and soon you and I won't care what they are doing - we will be too busy having all the things we ever wanted!
Keep going - you're doing great!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 183
I think we all can get sucked into that vortex of "he's gotten for her"...He really hasn't. He's still drinking, he's attached to someone who has shown poor character, just like him, he doesn't have custody of his child, and he no longer has you in his life.
Read this: The Fear That They’re Going to Be Better for Someone Else
Trust that he still sucks.
Read this: The Fear That They’re Going to Be Better for Someone Else
Trust that he still sucks.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 188
DreamsofSerenity, I posted just a minute before your post and it looks like we are on the same wavelength! I hope that means I'm on the right track! I agree, one day I will heal and won't be in so much pain, and that's why I think therapy is so crucial. I don't currently have childcare (hence no therapy at the moment) but I need to figure something out because I don't want to get "stuck" in these emotions.
I agree, one day I will heal and won't be in so much pain, and that's why I think therapy is so crucial. I don't currently have childcare (hence no therapy at the moment) but I need to figure something out because I don't want to get "stuck" in these emotions.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 188
Wow, lots of great responses! I feel better already Thanks for link, owathu!!
I agree, they are both headed for misery due to his active alcoholism and other issues. However, their relationship makes me think of my parents. My father has been an alcoholic before I was even born, yet my parents are still married although the relationship is very, very unheathy. I fear that my ex and his wife will also spiral downwards and that will negatively affect my son---heck, I'm still dealing with my own issues as the adult child of an alcoholic! I obviously cannot control my ex's drinking or their relationship, but that's why it's so important for me to do everything in my power to be a good person and a good parent.4
Thanks for link, owathu!!I agree, they are both headed for misery due to his active alcoholism and other issues. However, their relationship makes me think of my parents. My father has been an alcoholic before I was even born, yet my parents are still married although the relationship is very, very unheathy. I fear that my ex and his wife will also spiral downwards and that will negatively affect my son---heck, I'm still dealing with my own issues as the adult child of an alcoholic! I obviously cannot control my ex's drinking or their relationship, but that's why it's so important for me to do everything in my power to be a good person and a good parent.4
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Butterfly, I wonder if you really want him---just the fantasy that you became addicted to.
Perhaps the acceptance of the fact that the fantasy with him was unrealistic and not to be. If this is true--is is o.k. to grieve the loss of the fantasy (even necessary).
When you look at the picture of them, you are believing a big fat lie!!!
He BEATS her!!
It is like looking a photo-shopped picture of a model in a magazine and then feeling bad about y our own looks. Those pictures are a lie.
Hanging on to this pain (beyond the grief period) prevents you from going forward and embracing your future. It is stealing your future. Don't let your past steal your future.
dandylion
Perhaps the acceptance of the fact that the fantasy with him was unrealistic and not to be. If this is true--is is o.k. to grieve the loss of the fantasy (even necessary).
When you look at the picture of them, you are believing a big fat lie!!!
He BEATS her!!
It is like looking a photo-shopped picture of a model in a magazine and then feeling bad about y our own looks. Those pictures are a lie.
Hanging on to this pain (beyond the grief period) prevents you from going forward and embracing your future. It is stealing your future. Don't let your past steal your future.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I can’t help but think that you may have wound everything – him, your future, and a child all on a fantasy of wanting that “perfect family”. Often we mold everything to try and fit what we desperately want. We ignore behaviors, we excuse away inexcusable and we accept crumbs from the person we hope will become that perfect partner, perfect husband, perfect father……….we wait, we tolerate, we endure………but mostly we IGNORE.
It’s always like trying to fit that square into the round hole.
Reality is painful, fantasy offers hope…hope offers a chance so we continue down a path that others clearly can see leads to no where but we believe we must keep on trying.
Your reality is very clear, he’s an alcoholic, he’s a cheater, yet you find yourself with overwhelming feelings of jealously of his new woman. Maybe you are believing she is living YOUR FANTASY when in fact she is really living your reality and you should be thankful that’s its not you!!!!
That square peg is just never going to fit into that round hole and the quicker you can learn to accept that the quicker your pain will stop.
It’s always like trying to fit that square into the round hole.
Reality is painful, fantasy offers hope…hope offers a chance so we continue down a path that others clearly can see leads to no where but we believe we must keep on trying.
Your reality is very clear, he’s an alcoholic, he’s a cheater, yet you find yourself with overwhelming feelings of jealously of his new woman. Maybe you are believing she is living YOUR FANTASY when in fact she is really living your reality and you should be thankful that’s its not you!!!!
That square peg is just never going to fit into that round hole and the quicker you can learn to accept that the quicker your pain will stop.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by owathu
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
You will probably feel sorry for his new wife too. I do. She is really going to pay a price for messing around with him. I would not wish her life on anyone.
I called her though, and found out she loved my children and would not let my ex's
foolishness (crack and alcohol) in the picture.
They ended up having some great times with her and her son!
I am an ACoA too, and that happy family picture would have had me crazy for sure.
That old abandonment thing is deep and painful when you have wounds from childhood.
I am so glad you are getting help.
Let your friend do the snooping that is an excellent idea, and protect your serenity with both hands.
Give yourself a hug and here's one from me:
I guess it is for both of us!
Good, I will give myself a hug.
Facebook is a fairytale to present to the world, and how idiotic of him
(but true to form for some alcoholics) to take pictures of himself imbibing at the game.
You probably won't have to work too hard at court in November,
looks like he is doing it for you!
I do feel some pity for the new wife.
Karma has already got a hold of her and is gonna shake her hard.
If your son responded favorably to her, that is a good thing.
(oh my, I am ashamed to think how jealous I was of my ex's gf,
she had no idea my ex had not told me about her, she was clear
with him on that)
Just try to think of your son in this instance,
and leave all the adult problems out of it.
Are they taking care of him?
If they are that is good for him.
And the rest is out of your hands, and will work out in your favor.
Keep doing the next right thing, for you and for your son.
Beth
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Butterfly, ah... I understand the hook. AXH's GF was always posting what a "lovely time" she and her "family" were having along with pics of AXH and our DS and her kids. Doing all the things that I'd always asked AXH to do: camping, BBQ's with friends, rugby games, trips to CA, etc. I'm pretty sure most of the pictures included bottles in the background.
And I KNOW that his abuse escalated while he was with her. This is based on the documentation she submitted when requesting the restraining order against him last year. Copies of which were pulled to include with my motion to modify visitation.
What Dandilion posted:
Was certainly true for me while I convinced myself her FB photos were true. I really wanted to have the fantasy family I'd always dreamed of. However, he was, and continues to be, an abusive A.
I do now have the family I wanted: my house is filled with love and respect, laughter and the sound of the coolest-sweetest-kiddo-ever playing.
And I KNOW that his abuse escalated while he was with her. This is based on the documentation she submitted when requesting the restraining order against him last year. Copies of which were pulled to include with my motion to modify visitation.
What Dandilion posted:
Originally Posted by dandylion
Butterfly, I wonder if you really want him---just the fantasy that you became addicted to.
I do now have the family I wanted: my house is filled with love and respect, laughter and the sound of the coolest-sweetest-kiddo-ever playing.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Babe, Facebook is like those Christmas letters people send where all kids are honor students and all careers are going swimmingly. Forget Facebook. Honestly, I wouldn't even monitor it for drinking (or have a friend monitor it) - what matters is that you create a loving, comfortable home for your son.
As for the new woman - dear God, I wouldn't want to trade places with her for a million dollars! Not only has she married an alcoholic, she's now also responsible for making sure that alcoholic is not drinking before or during his visits with your son. And if that isn't a problem yet, believe me, it will be.
Recovery isn't a straight line. Three years after my divorce, I can still "backslide" and get stuckified again. I try to see it as retaking a test so I can really solidly learn the lesson. (Afterwards. While it's going on, I still beat myself up for having to relearn...)
As for the new woman - dear God, I wouldn't want to trade places with her for a million dollars! Not only has she married an alcoholic, she's now also responsible for making sure that alcoholic is not drinking before or during his visits with your son. And if that isn't a problem yet, believe me, it will be.
Recovery isn't a straight line. Three years after my divorce, I can still "backslide" and get stuckified again. I try to see it as retaking a test so I can really solidly learn the lesson. (Afterwards. While it's going on, I still beat myself up for having to relearn...)
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Hillsborough, NJ
Posts: 267
[QUOTE=doggonecarl;4037329]You're projecting. They are just photos. They don't capture reality.
OMG! I couldn't have said that one better myself.....
2 summers ago, my now ex-boyfriend and I had a "discussion" about his plans to go out drinking on the 4th of July....
Well, months later....I was at an Al-anon meeting with a friend of mine and by chance I saw some pictures of "that" splendid evening....
In the pictures, he looked completely sh--faced and appeared to be laughing....
However, here's what the pictures didn't reveal...
That night, I called him at 2am and told him, I already "knew" what was going on...(and this is BEFORE I saw those pictures) and...in summary, there was no laughter or smiles coming from the other end of the phone....
What WAS on the other end of the phone was an overtired, very drunk, irritable and emotional boyfriend....
Instead of laughter, he was crying....
So, no....things aren't always what they seem...especially on the surface....
I used to also think that he would go on to find someone else and treat them better, which is totally FALSE!!
Unless, this woman is completely co-dependent or drinks as much as he does, she'll get sucked into the misery as quickly, if not faster than you did....
I mean, she did marry him after all....and, the fact that she would involve herself with a child and a man who was not really "available" at the time they met, also suggests her total lack of character...
So, the fact that she's behaving in an obnoxious way towards you, really comes as no surprise to me.....
I just feel bad that your son has to be subjected to all this nonsense!
Sounds to me like he did a fine job of trashing you to this woman....
(Which is typical dysfunctional male behavior talking here......)
No worries, unless she is totally dense, she'll eventually "get it"
But who cares about her???
Let's celebrate the fact that YOU "got it" and flew the coop.....
Stay strong! You can and will do soooo much better without all that useless drama....
All the best,
Linda
OMG! I couldn't have said that one better myself.....
2 summers ago, my now ex-boyfriend and I had a "discussion" about his plans to go out drinking on the 4th of July....
Well, months later....I was at an Al-anon meeting with a friend of mine and by chance I saw some pictures of "that" splendid evening....
In the pictures, he looked completely sh--faced and appeared to be laughing....
However, here's what the pictures didn't reveal...
That night, I called him at 2am and told him, I already "knew" what was going on...(and this is BEFORE I saw those pictures) and...in summary, there was no laughter or smiles coming from the other end of the phone....
What WAS on the other end of the phone was an overtired, very drunk, irritable and emotional boyfriend....
Instead of laughter, he was crying....
So, no....things aren't always what they seem...especially on the surface....
I used to also think that he would go on to find someone else and treat them better, which is totally FALSE!!
Unless, this woman is completely co-dependent or drinks as much as he does, she'll get sucked into the misery as quickly, if not faster than you did....
I mean, she did marry him after all....and, the fact that she would involve herself with a child and a man who was not really "available" at the time they met, also suggests her total lack of character...
So, the fact that she's behaving in an obnoxious way towards you, really comes as no surprise to me.....
I just feel bad that your son has to be subjected to all this nonsense!
Sounds to me like he did a fine job of trashing you to this woman....
(Which is typical dysfunctional male behavior talking here......)
No worries, unless she is totally dense, she'll eventually "get it"
But who cares about her???
Let's celebrate the fact that YOU "got it" and flew the coop.....
Stay strong! You can and will do soooo much better without all that useless drama....
All the best,
Linda
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
