Hillwalker

Hi, my husband has been an alcoholic all our married life. Started as social but he drank much more than most people. Now retired he is in very bad health and is virtually housebound. He goes to pub every day (a few yards from home) but is exhausted and good for nothing after arriving home (due to his health and breathing problems). However his drinking is now almost obsessive. He opens a new can as soon as the old one is finished. He is getting through about 12 - 14 cans of lager a day. He is never without one and starts at 8am until bed time or when he falls asleep in chair. He does not eat and is not interested in going anywhere just watches TV. He is also very obsessive and routine cannot be broken.

He can be bad tempered so I watch my step, he copes well and never appears drunk. His temper is bad but I have learnt to be careful and know what annoys him and most of the time he is nice but underlying is what seems to me depression and he will not see a doctor at all.

I am sure most of you will know that there are other issues his drinking and attitude cause so won't bore you with them but things are difficult as my life is just virtually a carer now and no trips, holidays or outings and I feel trapped when we should be starting to enjoy all the hard work and saving over the years.

My issue is that now that he is housebound I am the one going to buy his alcohol and it just seems wrong. I am buying and supplying the very thing that is adding to his health symptoms and in the end will kill him. But do I have the right NOT to get him what he wants even if it is feeding his addiction?

LexieCat

Yes, you have the right not to buy it for him. You also have the right to to your own life. He could linger this way for years and years. Do you really want to spend those years caring for someone unwilling to do anything for his own health and well-being?

Have you been to Al-Anon? I strongly suggest that you get to some meetings.

honeypig

Hi, Hillwalker--I'd like to make a couple of suggestions.

1. If you can, take some time and start working your way thru the stickied threads at the top of the page. You'll learn a lot there.

2. Find an Alanon meeting and go, the sooner the better.

3. Keep reading and posting in this forum. You'll start to get a whole different perspective on life--YOUR life.

Yes, you certainly DO deserve to enjoy the rewards that you earned during your working life . No, you are NOT obligated to spend these years caring for someone who is essentially a vegetable except for his drinking (and who has become that way of his own volition).

It sounds as if you have lived in this cage for many, many years, but there is a big, beautiful world outside of it. Again, please find an Alanon meeting and go.

Hillwalker

Thank you all so far. I went to my first Al anon meeting last night. I am not sure how that will go as I am not one to open up, in fact non one knows my husband is a real alcoholic, his family all think he is a bit of a drinker but not all the time. At the moment I think I don't want to lose this anger as it has become a habit and I feel I want to really target my anger at him and make him feel bad. But he just gets angry back and never ever sees that his drinking has an affect on everything in his life. It is like a slime that wants to cover everything and blight the rest of my life. I seem to bring things to a head as I still want to get him to stop and I will get the gentle kind chap that I know is in there somewhere. So I suppose Alanon will help me move on but I am a bit scared of this as it could lead me to who knows where.

I have said I will not buy any more beer so he has said he will start on the brandy and spirits as he will be able to go up road and buy it more easily. A bottle of spirit is far lighter than 24 beer cans. So now I am thinking I should not have said I would not buy the beer.

Very confused....

Florence

This is similar to how my house was too. Once I started dealing with the drinking in the daylight, the lid kind of blew off the whole thing. They will do anything to protect the boundaries of the addiction. And I found out that as the landscape of the relationship changes, so does the shape of the addiction if it remains active. For example, my AH purported to be in recovery for a long while but had actually just become far more deft in his ability to hide his drinking.

I also assumed that there was depression preceding my AH's drinking. It's difficult to tell. A lot of addicts have co-occurring mental illnesses, like chronic depression or bipolar disorder along with the addiction. Unfortunately it's basically impossible to know for sure until they quit for awhile and their bodies level out. Sometimes what looks like a litany of issues is actually just alcoholism.

As I learned more and acted more on my new education on addiction, it became increasingly important for me to talk with others about my experiences, weigh my options and get input, and really dive deep into self-care. Individual counseling was very, very important for me, as was finding a safe space like SR to talk to other people who have similar experiences. Addiction is pretty dire, and it's important to give yourself a strong foundation so that when you falter you have something sturdy to lean on.

Hi and welcome.

honeypig

Hillwalker, do you understand that "finding the kind, gentle chap in there somewhere" may very well be impossible at this point, regardless of how much you love him and wish he'd come back?

Alcoholism is a progressive disease and only in one direction--it gets worse, and it consumes the alcoholic until he is scarcely recognizable. It seems it has progressed quite far for your husband. Whether you can see it or not, you are sick too in your own way from dealing with this.

Your situation is not unique, and you are not alone. Please take some time and read the posts of others here. I think you'll eventually start to see the similarities and then understand what you can and cannot do regarding the situation.

dandylion

Hillwalker, I can assure you that others know your husband is an alcoholic. his family must live very far away? Of course, his drinking buddies, neighbors and acquaintances are going to be reluctant to confront him---but, they have eyes, just as you do. Families also have their own denial going.

dandylion

wicked

This is perfectly normal, to feel a bit scared. It could lead you to a fabulous life, free
from the hell of addiction.
I am so glad you found this forum, there is much wisdom here and wonderful people,
all willing to share their experience, strength and hope with you.

I would not buy anything for my ex husband.
If he wanted to drink and do drugs, he had to get it on his own and do it outside of our home.
I felt no obligation at all to hasten his death.
And addiction will end in death.
It may be long, slow and painful, (like my father, died from cirrhosis) but always fatal.
Alcoholism progresses too, it will just get worse and worse.

He has to be the one to want to stop and he has to be the one to seek his OWN recovery.
You can seek your life recovery through AlAnon.

You will learn about setting boundaries here and in Al Anon.
As in, "I will no longer go and buy alcohol for you."
I am still learning about boundaries.

Please come back and share how you are doing.
You deserve a good, happy and fulfilling life,
caring for a progressive alcoholic is none of those things.

With hugs for you,

Beth