jmather

My wife had been sober for 25 years and started drinking heavily again. She 's had some problems at work, we've had some problems with our relationship, we have 3 girls, youngest a junior in college. I have discussed this with one of my daughters as my wife was drunk when she was home, the other 2 don't know yet.

I want to call them all together to discuss. My wife will feel betrayed but we have to confront this with her. My oldest daughter(29) is 6.5 months pregnant and I know will be heart broken and the last thing I want to do is upset her. My wife refuses to do anything to help herself, she had stopped going to AA 4 years ago because she says someone was coming on to her at the meetings.

I'm going to an al-anon meeting tonight, hopefully that will help. I'm asking if I should mention this to her sister, mother...etc. She doesn't listen to anything I say. I know it's up to her to change, but I'm trying to figure the best way for her to get there?

thanks for any help

Hammer

Hello, and welcome.

Since your wife had been doing AA in the past -- she knows where and how to get help.

GREAT for you on going to Alanon. Sounds like you are figuring out where and how to get to help for YOU. A+ A+ A+

You will no doubt hear (from me, now, others later) that you cannot "get her there," but what you can do is be the best you can be, and . . . . that is enough.

BoxinRotz

My husband was 20 years sober n relapsed. We are on the rollar coaster this very minute about to plunge n I have no one but myself.

It's hard n I'm sorry. I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone.

jmather

thanks very much....any thoughts on getting others involved?

HopefulmomtoD

I would not keep secrets for your wife. She's drinking and her daughters have the right to know. It might be her wake up call to get her life back in order.

I'm a believer in helping them to their bottom, if possible.

I do agree with others, though, and you and your daughters should take care of yourselves.

Florence

Interventions were never successful for me with my AH, so I don't have much ESH there. What I do know is that the more open I was about what was going on with friends and family over time, the better we were all able to deal with it in a (semi-) functional way.

Other people feel weird about "telling on" the addict with their friends and family, but if they're a reliable support I just don't see the harm.

Pelican

I learned that when I try to control outcomes for an active alcoholic:

1- Ask myself what I hope will be the outcome of my involvement.
2- Ask myself what could be the negative outcome of my involvement.
3- Ask myself what is my motive for involvement.
4- Ask myself how I would react to having another adult do the very thing I plan on doing.

Then, if I feel the involvement is still necessary ~ I hope for the best but plan for the worst.

ichabod

I've always been a private person with the general philosophy that each person's life and information is his own. As such, I've never called anyone to tell them what my RAH was doing. Those close enough will know. That's not to say I never confide in people, I just do it to clear my head, not to get them involved in the drama.

fedup3

I agree with what pelican had to say about the questions you should ask yourself before you start bringing others in with your wives drinking. My prayers are with you.

LexieCat

This is kind of "iffy," but do you know any of her close AA friends? If she was sober all those years and going to AA, surely she had some. If you know any of them, you might clue one of them in to what's going on. It could be that one of them reaching out to her MIGHT make a difference. It really depends on whether she is willing.

Just a thought.

m1k3

This is a really tough question and depends on the family dynamics. I don't have any ESH to share here either. If your children are close and one daughter knows I'd be willing to bet the others do as well.

Take care of yourself and remember the 3 C's. I didn't cause it. I can't control it and I can't cure it.

Your friend,

Brokentapestry

I'm sorry to hear about this. I'm going through month 7 of my AH's relapse after 13 years of sobriety. Know that you are not alone.

I don't know if an intervention will work, as I've never done one. I will say what you already know, and that is that she will change her drinking when she wants to, and not before.

I've stopped looking at telling other people as a way to help the A, but instead as a way to help me. If there is someone that I want to tell about our situation because I know that I can lean on them in this incredibly difficult time, then I will.

Finally, I don't know how close your family is. But, I know that when I was pregnant my mom came out and stayed with us for a few weeks after the baby was born. I understand that you don't want to upset your pregnant daughter, but if she has similiar plans then she needs to know so that she can make an informed decision about this. I wouldn't want an active alcoholic houseguest when I had a new baby.

Shellcrusher

Lots of solid ideas here.
I managed to "tell on" my AW simply because I was alone and needed support. On one hand it worked. On the other, it didn't. I don't have older kids so I can't help you there. I can say that I grew up with an A mom. All us kids knew. My Dad never talked to us about it, still doesn't and that pissed me off. I wished things could have been more open.
With my current situation, the people that know because I told, can now have a very objective conversation with me about things. Having discussions without emotional clouds is a breath of fresh air. I can't say it was a good idea for me to seek advice from family members. It will always be biased one way or the other. I learned that the hard way. The ability to have a simple open and honest discussion with people is a good way for me to remain calm. I'm no longer alone in the battle.

Sorry for your situation. This must be pretty disappointing. My AW is relapsing after just 2 years of sobriety.

jmather

I am going to seek out some of her AA buddies to see if they can talk to her. I plan to tell my girls, and yes, I tried to use the fact that she won't be able to sit our new grandchild, but no response....just the though is tearing me up.
Her baby shower is this weekend so I'll wait until that's over.

Thank you all

CarryOn

Pelican gave you some great advice about determining who to talk to. I think Lexie's suggestion to try to utilize her AA support is great, especially since she was active in the program for so long.

The rule of thumb that I use is it is okay for me to inform the people that are part of my support system, but it is RAH's responsibility to inform the people that are part of his support system. Some people obviously cross systems, so I am careful about what I may share with them. In any situation, I believe being honest is the best thing I can do.