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hitting below the belt, cutting up MY RECOVERY IN AL ANON

Old 06-25-2013, 05:34 AM
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hitting below the belt, cutting up MY RECOVERY IN AL ANON

yep...she has done it...now she is hitting below the belt and cutting me up and my recovery...

if you followed my last thread, my friends...it continues...

this thread was talking about the A in recovery and the selfishness in the first few months
all i wanted was VALIDATION on my letter:
I am going through something rite now, almost on the same level but she is 7 years sober...in simple, i wrote a letter on her actions in MY HOME and stated my boundaries and the lack of respect from her in my HOME(in the presents of my 10 year old daughter)...it has blown out of the wood works...she is reading/manipulating things in my letter that is clearly not there...and she uses fighting words back at me, because well, like AL ANON has taught me---i have a back bone, and sticking with my guns(pun intended)...I am taking this full face value, and clearly see she does not get it...( and also cutting up my recovery and says "no wonder i dont go to al anon, there is no recovery there..)and i feel sorry for her, but...this is about me and my boundaries.


I have never ever told her how to work HER PROGRAM and now she dictates how i should run mine--to suit her needs...

true A?
feed back please!
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Old 06-25-2013, 06:03 AM
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(((((fourmaggie)))))

She is an A!!!!!!! She has 7 years and is still learning about herself and does not take kindly to what 'she perceives' as someone telling her what to do or that she was wrong, and YES her ACTIONS in your HOME were WRONG.

Step away, go No Contact. It took years (and I do mean a lot more than 7) to learn how to accept what I perceived as criticism of me and/or my actions, and to take another look at me.

Somewhere down the road she either do a step 9 or 10 to you or instead will let this sit in her 'basket' and grow into a real good excuse along with others to pick up again.

You did nothing wrong. Take those DEEP SLOW breathes to calm yourself. In AA you will hear said "some are sicker than others" and we ain't talking about the newcomers, lol.

This sounds like one of those instances that "Let Go and Let God" applies real well!

Love and hugs,
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Old 06-25-2013, 08:55 AM
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Remember "just because someone says it doesn't make it true"

We don't have to give "weight" to other people's opinions ~ nor do we have to defend ours ~

The great answers to those types of attacks are:

"I hate you feel that way"
"That's an interesting view point"
"you could be right"
"Oh"
or
no response at all

My thoughts are ~ It's your program and others may give suggestions but no one can tell you how to work your recovery - that's between you & your HP!
Just my thoughts ~ please take a deep breath and do what is healthy for YOU!!!

pink hugs!
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Old 06-25-2013, 09:20 AM
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Originally Posted by fourmaggie View Post
I have never ever told her how to work HER PROGRAM and now she dictates how i should run mine--to suit her needs...
She only has the power to dictate your program if you give it to her! Let go or be dragged!

I might examine your expectation that she would respond favorably to your letter. Boundaries are for US. We can't make others respect them, like them, follow them, or even give two hoots about them! If she steps over yours, best to simply not have her in your home any more. You don't owe anyone an explanation!!!

I am so frustrated on your behalf! But you are strong and can move past this!!!
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Old 06-25-2013, 09:27 AM
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Originally Posted by fourmaggie View Post
all i wanted was VALIDATION on my letter
Yup, this is the problem--wanting/expecting validation. You don't NEED validation. How she feels about your boundaries are up to her. If she doesn't RESPECT them, by abiding by them, then she isn't welcome.

Sounds like a basic, childish rant. I would IGNORE.
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Old 06-25-2013, 10:07 AM
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Fourmaggie-

I suspect you wrote that letter in part for yourself (what great self-care), and in part to get the validation you mentioned.

I suspect the person you wrote it to is not capable of providing you those pieces now, or maybe ever. That is not your responsibility. It does not matter what you wrote, how you wrote it etc....she might never be able to "hear" what you wrote.

Does that need to detract from you, your care of yourself, the fact that you created a boundary etc?

I had to write out (and carry everywhere) what I was responsible for at one point in my life. I dont' know if it fits exactly but it helps to remind me of it.

I am responsible for me. For me that means I am responsible for my behaviors and reactions. I am not responsible for my feelings (cause they just happen), but I am responsible for what I do with them.

I am not responsible for other people's feelings or THEIR reaction to any of the above.
(That does not mean that I don't have to be considerate and a decent human being), but for me this is part of what the caretaking behavior of mine got me into trouble. I thought I could someone "explain" in a way that would make someone hear me, listen (or care). That if they did not it was MY fault in how I said it or did it.

This is something that remains challenging for me, but it has been such a great part of my recovery and helped me to live MY life so much more it is worth it.
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Old 06-25-2013, 02:18 PM
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@SPARKLEKITTY...trust me, when she started, i told her stop taking my inventory and work her own and to take her crap to someone who cares, like her sponsor...I was not gonna be dragged by this comment by her...

@LEXIE, you are right...Ma says "she dont get it"

I have been detaching from her since October, and not engaging, but this happened in my home infront of my daughter and that did it....never again...

where does it leave the relationship? dunno...for now, i am just quietly walking away from her...she is family, but that is far as it goes...when functions are put on, its usually in my home and to be polite and proper because she is married to my UNCLE...
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Old 06-25-2013, 03:01 PM
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oh fourmaggie,

I can almost feel your frustration and anger.
I have these feelings for one of my siblings, and underneath is a fear that our
relationship will never be repaired.
Of course, I am speaking only for myself.
I am very hurt that she seems to have no idea how much she hurt me.
She actually lived with me for awhile, and almost came between my daughter and I.

I learned I cannot trust my own sister.
That is heartbreaking to me, and it is easier to be mad.

Thank you so much for sharing this with the forum.
I have not spoken to my sister in three years, and that is sad.
But, she cannot be trusted as far as boundaries, addiction and our relationship goes.

Maybe someday, I will become fearless when it comes to her, but it is not now.
For now, my amends to her must be made long distance.
It has helped me, and now I remember it is time again to run the steps.

Well, maybe low crawl, slowly.

fourmaggie, I appreciate your candor and how your heart is on your sleeve.
I bet you make an excellent and loyal friend.

Beth

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Old 06-25-2013, 05:07 PM
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Hi fourmaggie, I'm going to take a different path than the other posters. I was surprised when you said you wrote up some boundaries and then shared them with your sister.

For me, my boundaries are personal. They have to do with how I am going to handle different situations should they arise. For example one of my boundaries is that I will never ride in a care where the driver has been drinking. Doesn't matter who the driver is, I'm not getting in that car. Boundaries are for me. They keep me safe. They are my lines in the sand and plans for how I will react should they be crossed. I don't share them with anyone.

Your friend,
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Old 06-26-2013, 05:21 AM
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Sounds like you are doing the best you can.

Here is my discovery -- Distance = Safety. Know your boundaries, detach from crazy, and back WAY off.

She (by action) is already telling you she is a mess. Her messing on you will not get her clean, but it will mess you -- as you are discovering.

The kids and I are taking a MAJOR break from crazy. Three week vacation trip without Mrs. Hammer (her choice, again by action, she is a mess). So we have little-to-no crazy, except for what we brought along of it.

In other news. We are going to the National Zoo, today. Personally my favorite critters are the Poop Throwing Monkeys. Reminds me of some of this stuff. Maybe think of like that? Stay clear of the Poop Throwing Monkeys in your life. A's tend to be Poop Throwing Monkeys.
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Old 06-29-2013, 03:20 PM
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Originally Posted by m1k3 View Post
Hi fourmaggie, I'm going to take a different path than the other posters. I was surprised when you said you wrote up some boundaries and then shared them with your sister.For me, my boundaries are personal. They have to do with how I am going to handle different situations should they arise. For example one of my boundaries is that I will never ride in a care where the driver has been drinking. Doesn't matter who the driver is, I'm not getting in that car. Boundaries are for me. They keep me safe. They are my lines in the sand and plans for how I will react should they be crossed. I don't share them with anyone.

Your friend,
i dont have a sister...it was my sister in law and the reason i showed her the letter was I AM A GOOD REACTER and i did not want to do any finger pointing, she read it and told me it was fine, never ask what she thought because she knew it was in my HOME, her home is her home, what she does is not my business...
(i dont like to be told who or whom should be invited with or without an invitition in my home...it was a private function...)

This HAS happened before, and i stated to MY UNCLE the invite was for himself and his wife PERIOD, no one else...she took it apond herself to do what she does best manilupate this function to suit her childish needs...

she has now crossed the line by giving out my private email address out to her daughter and her daughter gave me a "slap" letter...this was a family only email address...i have now see the light that no matter she does its OK in her eyes to benfit herself....

I have walked away and let go and let god
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Old 08-06-2013, 06:05 AM
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Originally Posted by Hammer View Post
Sounds like you are doing the best you can.

Here is my discovery -- Distance = Safety. Know your boundaries, detach from crazy, and back WAY off.

She (by action) is already telling you she is a mess. Her messing on you will not get her clean, but it will mess you -- as you are discovering.
i had to underline this...because i had a meeting with her to tell her to her face that i want no contact with her....

she texted me wanted to meet...i said sure, (time for me to tell her face to face..NOTHING MORE)

when we sat down, the first thing she says "well, i thought you should go 1st to defened yourself with your behaviour to me..." i looked at her and said "right, because your the always THE VICTIM here...."

she blamed everyone else for everything...caught her in many lies and was insane to sit with her....

i did it!! i walked away with telling her to her face that i want nothing more to do with her, that she is not a nice person....

ooh of course she defended her self by taking MY INVENTORY...this is a true act on what alcoholics do, right? even if sober for 71/2 years...

ps i wanted to mention she married my recovering alcoholic UNCLE who has 16 years of recovery..???two AA married together, its a continous cycle of who is the co dependent today and who is the narassist TODAY...

DISTANCE is a good thing...

thanks for listening....
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