izzyrose05

So, he texted me tonight. He's still drunk. Said he wanted to be a man of honor and give me closure. Told him no thanks. Didn't need it. He said goodbye, I love you and then sent more texts saying I had to stop "slandering" him to friends. Told him I just spoke of his disease and that we were worried about him. He began to threaten me. Told me, he would get a PPO on me and have my kids taken away (for what reason, I have no idea). So I told him, that I had pictures of the bruises he left on me when he beat me up and to stay away from me until he was sober. Then, before I knew it, he was on facebook. Open to the public. Telling the world that I am a predator who threatened to try and kill him and his son and that I was involved in bdsm. He contracts as a yard man for the agency where I work as a program manager. My Boss knows of his alcoholism but has had it with workplace drama which seems to be going around. I am mortified. There are actually people who are believing him and telling him he deserves better. I don't know how to show up at work tomorrow. I loved this man. I don't understand any of this. How do I show my face at work. I have deactivated my facebook account. I just don't know how to handle this kind of humiliation. So many people in the community know him because he has raised his disabled son, but they do not know me. I don't know how many people know of his disease. It's quite evident if you know him well, but maybe they just don't.
I'm overwhelmed. Embarrassed, feeling victimized, and so freaking hurt. I can't take this.

Hammer

Yeah, that stuff can be a mess.

Some various mental illness tracks about the same.

General Advice is avoid contact. You may have seen the term No Contact? That is what the folks are talking about.

Anything you feed crazy folks = more crazy.

As far as the local gossips -- would just shrug and say you cannot discuss legal matters, or some other indirection(s).

Anything you feed gossips = more gossip.

LexieCat

I'd suggest calling the DV hotline. At the very least what he is doing is harassment, and there is a history of violence. Get a restraining order, yourself. And if he violates it, by continuing to contact you or harassing you online or in any other way, report it.

All you have to tell anyone who asks is that he is ill and has been harassing you because of that illness.

I hope you are blocking his messages.

Sorry you are dealing with this.

DG0409

So sorry to hear this. Facebook is evil!! Definitely NOT a good thing when you have a psycho addict/alcoholic ex or bf. (I have so been there!)

In the end, the people that know you aren't going to believe him.

If it comes to going to work... any chance you can just be honest to start with. Tell everybody, "Can't believe the stuff X made up on FB last night while he was drunk!!" and laugh a bit?? He's the one that should be embarrassed. What, is he afraid of a girl?? You would think so posting about you trying to kill him and all!!

I would also recommend considering a restraining order. The courts can order him to remove any BS about you from the internet as part of it as it counts as trying to cause you emotional distress.

DreamsofSerenity

Izzyrose,

I am so sorry you are going through this. I can imagine how terrible you feel. It is a huge betrayal and so effing disrespectful. It's almost like getting beat up again.

Try to step outside your emotions to get a different perspective. When I was on FB and anyone posted anything negative about another person, the only person I thought negatively about EVER was the poster. Your husband made himself look worse by doing that than he ever could have made you look.

You don't have anything to be embarrassed about. Go to work with your chin held high and people will sense that confidence in you.

izzyrose05

Thank you Everyone. This morning I need to call my Boss and explain what has happened and take yet another day off to get my belongings out of his storage unit before he destroys my stuff. Another tough day ahead but I will survive. Thank you so much for your support.

PippiLngstockng

I have some experience with this, unfortunately. It is going to be very important to remain calm, balanced and dignified. Over time, people will come to really respect you.

I have been honest with people about what has happened with my marriage to AH. Some seem to believe him. But as time goes on, AH isn't looking too good. His problems are getting more visible. Some days I am very upset. But Al Anon teachings have helped me learn to be patient and move forward and continue to find joy in life.

Keep on the path. You'll wind up in a much better place!

kasie

Awww hun, I'm sending you hugs. What an awful situation to be in.

Sadly I don't have much experience in such situations, but I will share a little bit of wisdom from Mark Twain:

"Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience"

So...while it's tough, maintain your dignity, integrity and pride, hold your head up high and pretend (on the outside) that nothing is upsetting you. The less you react the less it feeds the situation. A fire can't burn without any fuel!

Stay strong xx

Lyssy

I second the sentiment that facebook is evil and commend you for deactivating your account.

One of the primary reasons I never did facebook was because of my fear of exactly what you are going through.

There is no reason you should feel humiliated. Those siding with him obviously don't really know you or your situation at all. I took measures to cut contact/information to all who did not support me and "backed" my AH. This was tough as it was family and longtime friends. I decided I would rather be by myself and lonely that have them in my life. I did not confront them or defend myself. I simply cut off all correspondence. Slowly I am making new acquaintances and expanding activities. I am looking at it as part of MY recovery. I don't need the drama or criticism in my life and obviously they were never my true friends or family if they thought that little of me. Their loss.

Glad you have an understanding boss. That goes a long ways. My work and the respect of my coworkers went a long way to boost my self-esteem.

Springs

I am so sorry you are going through this. Just want to echo, if I saw someone post that on fb, I would think horribly of the poster (and probably hide or unfriend them) and would not think badly of the person they were talking about AT ALL. It really reflects badly on AH, not you. Again so sorry you had to experience that.

soberlicious

Yep, posting stuff like that makes him look like a dummy. Anyone who takes what's written on FB as gospel needs their head examined.

Sorry you are going through this.

izzyrose05

Thanks everyone. I got what I could out of his storage unit and put it into a new one yesterday with the help of some friends. My Boss is being very understanding. People at work know him and some have even unfriended him. They all support me and encourage..no response as the best response. My Boss just shook his head and reminded me that as a single mom, I didn't need this in my life. I am feeling very supported and lucky. My facebook account remains closed. I have heard there are one or two people who have responded to his post by threatening to hurt me should I continue in my "threats". "Aye yi yi. It just makes me roll my eyes that some people just take it at face value without even knowing me. I am not worried. They do not know me and I'm quite sure it is all empty threats.

From what I gather, he rarely leaves his apartment and continues to drown in vodka most of everyday.

But I am curious. I am wondering if anyone knows of Alcoholic Psychosis because it is my opionion that he truly believes the stuff he is saying about me. Ive seen his eyes when he is drunk like this. He is paranoid and delusional and the stuff he says is so unbelievably off the wall. He is seriously a different person. I believe he is end stage and completely psychotic right now. I don't know much about alcoholic psychosis or how common it is and I suppose it doesn't matter, but Ive just never ever seen or heard of such a pattern, such a change in a person. I have been surrounded by functional alcoholics my entire life and Ive never seen this.

Just wondering.

Again, thanks for the support. I am sad. Still a little embarrassed but my head is held high and I have lots of great support.

Just hope I can stop hoping he will get sober and eventually apologize. There is a part of me that thinks of this often. I will let this go eventually I suppose.

Life goes on!!

DG0409

I think you may be right in thinking that it is Alcoholic Psychosis.

At the end of my drinking, I was starting to say some REALLY off the wall things, and part of me knew even when I was saying them that they were off the wall, but I couldn't stop. It was one of the things that really made me feel like I had a problem and needed to stop. It was scary!

Thanks for the update. It's good to hear that your boss was supportive and you were able to get the stuff from storage.

honeypig

You have nothing to be embarrassed about; you are not the alcoholic, you are not the one having a public meltdown, talking crazy and acting like an idiot. As I have been told regarding my A, "his stuff is HIS stuff." Anyone who doesn't see how it really is right now will see soon enough as he continues his downward spiral.

Eventually, as you separate from him and start working on yourself and YOUR life, you will most definitely stop hoping for him to become the person you want him to be/thought he was. You'll be too busy moving ahead to look back. If by some chance he does get sober, that is great, but most people here seem to feel that a year of continuous sobriety is the minimum requirement before seeing about trying again in a relationship, so you have plenty of time to yourself before that would even be a consideration.

And you're right, life DOES go on, and it even gets better sometimes! Hang in, you're on the right path.

transformyself

Years ago, a woman from out of town married one of my Elders. She was 35, he was 65.

After about a year, she: backed up two moving trucks to his house, emptied it of everything. EVERYTHING. She took his medicine off the walls, had just gone out and bought massive amounts of TP and paper towel etc. After this, we filled his house back up quickly. He found out she had taken out credit cards in his name. She bankrupted him.

I was FURIOUS. I wanted to go to the police He told me, "Transform, we do nothing. Nothing.

She told people he was sexually abusing his grandchildren, and that he abused her. She got all kinds of support in the community.

Within a year, all of the people who supported her came to Ed and apologized. In time she showed her true nature.

This was such a hard lesson for me. and it didn't even happen to me! I am grateful I was able to see this example though.

When people attack you, in such an insane and egregious manner, I promise you that in time others will see them for what they are.

Hold your head high Sister. Let that pain and fear go. Just let it go and leave him to his HP. In the meantime, what have you done today to make your life better? To bring you joy and laughter?

izzyrose05

So I was OK. dealing with the crap and moving forward. Now I hear he is calling me a narcissistic ***** and how his son and him are going to need therapy after me. Oh yea, and apparently I've used up his credit cards too. This is the most insane behavior I have ever heard of. Every time I think I can keep my chin up, another unprovoked attack on my character happens on Facebook. Theted nothing to do but keep going and ignore it but WOW!!! This has to be one of the hardest circumstances I have ever had to face
Women are tripping all over themselves to be his "support" after the evil hell I have put him through.
Karma better hurry up. This is almost unbearable!!!

DG0409

Well, he's right about one thing: He DOES need therapy, but not cause of you!

I think it just shows he is so immature to post that stuff. True or not, things like that are supposed to go in your private journal, not on the internet!

I think one of the hardest things to watch is other women getting involved. My XA was engaged shortly after we broke up and my heart aches for the girl. It was hard to understand how she could be so stupid after I talked to her and told her what had happened to me, but I know he can sound so sweet, so he must have told her I was a psycho liar and a bunch of crap about what I did to him. (I kind of wonder what ever happened to them. I hope the girl made it out without too much damage, but I know that isn't likely.)

It was a real eye-opener how quickly he went from wanting to marry me to being engaged to somebody else. It made him seem like even more of a psycho to me.

Those women that are tripping over themselves to be his support will soon be tripping over themselves to get AWAY from him.

Karma might take it's sweet time, but it will be worth it!

DG0409

One other thing, are you able to tell whoever is giving you updates about what he's doing that you don't want to hear about his updates? You really don't need to know or care what he is posting on Facebook.

Please, do keep your chin up. Don't let his psychoness get to you.

Florence

Something we say here is that what someone else thinks/says about me is none of my business.

Something I say to myself is that there's no way in he** I can let a crazy person's opinion of me define me.

My ex ran my name through the mud, made wild accusations, no one in my life believed me although the judge at our custody hearing ripped him a new one. Ten years later, there is still fallout from the things he said about me -- but it's all from people I don't care about, don't want in my life, who are still enmeshed with him.

So he doesn't like me. M'kay.

Today with my STBXAH, he is comparatively restrained, but he's playing the game with my STBX-in laws so that they all agree I'm the bad guy and he's my victim. It's like the last eight years didn't happen. All he's doing is circling the wagons, keeping his best enablers nearby. Your ex is looking for new enablers too. He needs someone to validate his self-pity. There will always be someone out there sick enough to sign up for that job.

Lucky it's not you anymore!

Brush the dirt off your shoulder, do a little dance. Find a way to look for light in the darkness. This is an exercise in learning optimism. Remind yourself why you're so awesome, and os lucky to be away from him, and receptive of the doors opening in front of you. You were brave enough to leave.

LexieCat

Agree with DG--ditch the updates. If whoever is giving them to you cannot resist, then block that person, too.