my neighbors daughter and boundaries
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
my neighbors daughter and boundaries
My neighbors are actually good friends to us. They have a little girl who is about four. She has NO boundaries. None. More so than any other child I have ever seen.
today I went outside and she yelled "HIGH" from next door and I looked up and she ran out to the sidewalk where a young couple was walking their baby in a stroller. She ran up to them and tried to climb into the stroller. They were totally freaked out.
No, this specific situation isn't my problem, but I wanted to help illustrate what I am dealing with here. I also babysat once - and one time only- and it was at bedtime. She was scared, then wanted a story, then wanted a drink, then was hungry, then had to go to the bathroom, then took all her clothes off. By the time her parents got home I was ready to scream and she still wasn't asleep. I told them, I'm sorry but I am never doing this again.
Yes, I am a really damaged person. But I take it one day at a time.
My biggest issue I'm learning is PTSD- which makes making and holding boundaries tricky but not impossible.
AFter I saw that today, a light bulb went off. I figured out how to deal with her. It's been a long battle, but today I figured it out.
This little girl, I"ll call her Mary, always climbs the fence to get into my yard from hers when she sees me, quickly, and then runs around grabbing things. I call for her parents and she screams when they come to get her. The whole scene makes me feel insane.
I have never seen a child behave this way. Now that summer is here, she is always in the yard. It's a real drag.
After witnessing the assault on the young couple, I realized two things. 1- it ain't me that's got the problem (cause you know I was feeling both guilty and very annoyed) and 2- I better make strong boundaries immediately and hold them firm. Else I would continue to live in hell in my own yard, and we've got enough issues at this house LOL
So, I went out to my garden. Mary yelled HIGH and ran for the fence. I said, Mary do not climb the fence to come into my yard. She did anyway.
I caught her as she climbed down and held her tight. She was screaming!! I just held her until she stopped struggling and then I said, "You weren't listening to my words. You cannot come into my yard unless I say it's ok."
Then I put her back over the fence, walked around to the front and knocked on my neighbors door.
I explained what I did- usually I just call for the parents because nothing I have said to her works anyway.
They said they were sorry and they would talk to her. We ended it nicely.
Now, she doesn't climb into my yard. She still talks to me but I can ignore that or engage with her if I want.
Here's the important part. Until I figure out how to handle these situations - cause it don't come naturally to me- I am a freaking wreck. So much anxiety, and I avoid the neighbors.
But when I recognize my own comfort level and boundary, and then enforce it kindly, that anxiety is gone! I don't resent my neighbors so much anymore. I feel like I can enjoy them again- we meet at the fence for a smoke every day and to talk - and keep myself safe at the same time. All without being aggressive or unkind. it's such a win win.
Good Boundaries = Sense of Safety and control over the only thing I can control.
today I went outside and she yelled "HIGH" from next door and I looked up and she ran out to the sidewalk where a young couple was walking their baby in a stroller. She ran up to them and tried to climb into the stroller. They were totally freaked out.
No, this specific situation isn't my problem, but I wanted to help illustrate what I am dealing with here. I also babysat once - and one time only- and it was at bedtime. She was scared, then wanted a story, then wanted a drink, then was hungry, then had to go to the bathroom, then took all her clothes off. By the time her parents got home I was ready to scream and she still wasn't asleep. I told them, I'm sorry but I am never doing this again.
Yes, I am a really damaged person. But I take it one day at a time.
My biggest issue I'm learning is PTSD- which makes making and holding boundaries tricky but not impossible.
AFter I saw that today, a light bulb went off. I figured out how to deal with her. It's been a long battle, but today I figured it out.
This little girl, I"ll call her Mary, always climbs the fence to get into my yard from hers when she sees me, quickly, and then runs around grabbing things. I call for her parents and she screams when they come to get her. The whole scene makes me feel insane.
I have never seen a child behave this way. Now that summer is here, she is always in the yard. It's a real drag.
After witnessing the assault on the young couple, I realized two things. 1- it ain't me that's got the problem (cause you know I was feeling both guilty and very annoyed) and 2- I better make strong boundaries immediately and hold them firm. Else I would continue to live in hell in my own yard, and we've got enough issues at this house LOL
So, I went out to my garden. Mary yelled HIGH and ran for the fence. I said, Mary do not climb the fence to come into my yard. She did anyway.
I caught her as she climbed down and held her tight. She was screaming!! I just held her until she stopped struggling and then I said, "You weren't listening to my words. You cannot come into my yard unless I say it's ok."
Then I put her back over the fence, walked around to the front and knocked on my neighbors door.
I explained what I did- usually I just call for the parents because nothing I have said to her works anyway.
They said they were sorry and they would talk to her. We ended it nicely.
Now, she doesn't climb into my yard. She still talks to me but I can ignore that or engage with her if I want.
Here's the important part. Until I figure out how to handle these situations - cause it don't come naturally to me- I am a freaking wreck. So much anxiety, and I avoid the neighbors.
But when I recognize my own comfort level and boundary, and then enforce it kindly, that anxiety is gone! I don't resent my neighbors so much anymore. I feel like I can enjoy them again- we meet at the fence for a smoke every day and to talk - and keep myself safe at the same time. All without being aggressive or unkind. it's such a win win.
Good Boundaries = Sense of Safety and control over the only thing I can control.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
Well done.
That's funny, I had a similar problem in my neighbourhood. I live in a row of terraced houses. I am friendly with one neighbour and their little girl, who then would bring her little friends over to see my garden (we have a little shared strip of land between the houses).
Saying hello to neighbourhood kids? That's fine. Having them come in my kitchen when I'm baking? Well, okay, if I know them. Having random neighbour kids knock on my door all afternoon (as soon as I am seen returning from work)--and shouting through the cat flap when I didn't answer? Yeah, not so fine. I had to shut it down hard and talk to some parents and it's okay now.
I think I was thinking that by being friendly with the kids I was going to make friends with the neighbours. Well, no. I have made friends with neighbours over time anyway. However the ones with the pushiest, neediest kids I'm definitely not friends with. At best I felt used--I mean, some of them sat on their stoops watching their kids come over to my house, like I was some kind of after-school entertainment service. And at worst--I mean, what the heck?--I would never let my (hypothetical) child go into some adult's house unless I knew them very very well. It's bizarre and dangerous.
Glad it's resolved now. High five! Interesting common problem.
That's funny, I had a similar problem in my neighbourhood. I live in a row of terraced houses. I am friendly with one neighbour and their little girl, who then would bring her little friends over to see my garden (we have a little shared strip of land between the houses).
Saying hello to neighbourhood kids? That's fine. Having them come in my kitchen when I'm baking? Well, okay, if I know them. Having random neighbour kids knock on my door all afternoon (as soon as I am seen returning from work)--and shouting through the cat flap when I didn't answer? Yeah, not so fine. I had to shut it down hard and talk to some parents and it's okay now.
I think I was thinking that by being friendly with the kids I was going to make friends with the neighbours. Well, no. I have made friends with neighbours over time anyway. However the ones with the pushiest, neediest kids I'm definitely not friends with. At best I felt used--I mean, some of them sat on their stoops watching their kids come over to my house, like I was some kind of after-school entertainment service. And at worst--I mean, what the heck?--I would never let my (hypothetical) child go into some adult's house unless I knew them very very well. It's bizarre and dangerous.
Glad it's resolved now. High five! Interesting common problem.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Nice when we can make the connections, eh?
I'm glad you took matters in your own hands. Where we got the idea that we parent in a vacuum baffles me. Our children interact with the world - the world should also offer them life lessons we may not be able to.
Yesterday, I was at the grocery store watching a family in the vegetable section. The parents were allowing the kids to handle all the produce and the youngest (probably about 4 or 5) was dropping stuff on the floor. The Mom would pick it up and put it back on the display. And I mean tomatoes and avocados - things that are not meant to be dropped! The kids were out of control, and the parents seemed oblivious to it. But the other shoppers weren't, that's for sure. A lot of irritated folks in the produce aisle.
So sad when parents refuse to rein in their kids. And it means the rest of us have to.
Good job!
I'm glad you took matters in your own hands. Where we got the idea that we parent in a vacuum baffles me. Our children interact with the world - the world should also offer them life lessons we may not be able to.
Yesterday, I was at the grocery store watching a family in the vegetable section. The parents were allowing the kids to handle all the produce and the youngest (probably about 4 or 5) was dropping stuff on the floor. The Mom would pick it up and put it back on the display. And I mean tomatoes and avocados - things that are not meant to be dropped! The kids were out of control, and the parents seemed oblivious to it. But the other shoppers weren't, that's for sure. A lot of irritated folks in the produce aisle.
So sad when parents refuse to rein in their kids. And it means the rest of us have to.
Good job!
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Thanks Ya'll. I'm so grateful to be able to discern what I have control over and what I don't. When I start judging folks, I need better boundaries.
When withdrawing doesn't work, I have to be proactive. Physically wrestling with the neighbors kid is something I was avoiding, but now that I set that boundary with her, she's SO much more receptive to my boundaries. It only took once, too, she's WAY more easily dealt with that a practicing alcoholic. lol
When withdrawing doesn't work, I have to be proactive. Physically wrestling with the neighbors kid is something I was avoiding, but now that I set that boundary with her, she's SO much more receptive to my boundaries. It only took once, too, she's WAY more easily dealt with that a practicing alcoholic. lol
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
Originally Posted by Tuffgirl 
Yesterday, I was at the grocery store watching a family in the vegetable section. The parents were allowing the kids to handle all the produce and the youngest (probably about 4 or 5) was dropping stuff on the floor. The Mom would pick it up and put it back on the display. And I mean tomatoes and avocados - things that are not meant to be dropped! The kids were out of control, and the parents seemed oblivious to it. But the other shoppers weren't, that's for sure. A lot of irritated folks in the produce aisle.
So sad when parents refuse to rein in their kids. And it means the rest of us have to.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I think it's the erosion of basic manners, which can be directly tied to massive brainwashing through TV and movies, which is what happened when we unlearned how to listen to our own ancient wisdom.
I don't own TV or watch cable (netflicks though obsessively some times) and when I'm at others houses who have TV on I freak right the heck out.
When did small female children start dressing like hookers? Why are all the actors in the movies now sarcastic to and with each other. Why are people princess parenting? I just got home from the grocery store, there was a little girl- I kid you not- about 4 in a princess dress and gloves and crown walking around the store ordering her parents around.
You're daughters aren't princesses! They're suppose to be contributing members of society who can act with compassion and wisdom. They're just creating narcissists.
End rant/
I don't own TV or watch cable (netflicks though obsessively some times) and when I'm at others houses who have TV on I freak right the heck out.
When did small female children start dressing like hookers? Why are all the actors in the movies now sarcastic to and with each other. Why are people princess parenting? I just got home from the grocery store, there was a little girl- I kid you not- about 4 in a princess dress and gloves and crown walking around the store ordering her parents around.
You're daughters aren't princesses! They're suppose to be contributing members of society who can act with compassion and wisdom. They're just creating narcissists.
End rant/
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
I try to just stay away.
I had to be the @ss of my apartment building over some minor stuff.
So, now, everyone gives me the evil eye.
Can't wait to move.
Kids ringing the buzzer, it doesn't work to speak through, so I gotta go check it out.
Down two flights. Back up two flights. I try to keep stair climbing to a minimum cause of my arthritic knees.
Well, after manager talks to mom, she points me out to the kids and says,
"That's the one that got us in trouble."
HUH?!?
I just wanted them to stop bothering ME!
Yeah, I am moving out, the stairs in the past year, too much.
And the kids that live around here, are awful.
I have not met one respectful, friendly or nice child here.
Not one. And there are at least 20 school age kids here, I see them at the bus stop.
These little knotheads throw rocks at the turtles in the pond.
Chase the ducklings and throw stuff at them.
There is a swan in there now, I wonder who is gonna get there butt bit by that swan.
DNS had to come here and speak to the little monsters about hurting helpless creatures.
I feel better now.
Sigh.....
Yup, I gotta move. And soon.
I had to be the @ss of my apartment building over some minor stuff.
So, now, everyone gives me the evil eye.
Can't wait to move.
Kids ringing the buzzer, it doesn't work to speak through, so I gotta go check it out.
Down two flights. Back up two flights. I try to keep stair climbing to a minimum cause of my arthritic knees.
Well, after manager talks to mom, she points me out to the kids and says,
"That's the one that got us in trouble."
HUH?!?
I just wanted them to stop bothering ME!
Yeah, I am moving out, the stairs in the past year, too much.
And the kids that live around here, are awful.
I have not met one respectful, friendly or nice child here.
Not one. And there are at least 20 school age kids here, I see them at the bus stop.
These little knotheads throw rocks at the turtles in the pond.
Chase the ducklings and throw stuff at them.
There is a swan in there now, I wonder who is gonna get there butt bit by that swan.
DNS had to come here and speak to the little monsters about hurting helpless creatures.
I feel better now.
Sigh.....
Yup, I gotta move. And soon.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Originally Posted by transformyself
Wicked that's horrible! You didn't get them in trouble, the parents are douches.
Can you compel your landlord to fix the speaker?
Can you compel your landlord to fix the speaker?
My idea is to "fix" it permanently!
bwahahahahaha!
When I complained about the buzzing, the management person there,
(very nice woman but completely ineffectual) laughed and said,
well, damn! I didn't know they worked!
I said, they don't work two ways, that is why I am upset.
"We will have someone look at it."
More buzzing today.
That's okay.
Mr. Swan and I are friends.
We have been talking.
LOL
I had no idea swans were so HUGE!
I see them from a distance usually on a big lake, not on this little pond here.
I am looking for a slightly better place, hopefully with washer and dryer in the unit.
Good god, I miss that. They are on the first floor now.
But this floor is nice, no one tromping around overhead.
We have not had a gutter on the roof, so it pours directly onto the porch,
which gets moss and rots.
I know they will not fix the buzzer any more than they will the gutter,
they fired the one hard working guy here when new management came in,
and this place has been hitting the skids since then.
Three years now. Been here a total of six.
Last week they wanted me to pay the pet deposit again,
because they couldn't find it!
:rotfxko
I must be getting tough in my middle age, I would have just paid it at one time.
I said,
"how did I move in without paying?"
prove I did NOT pay it.
yep, these people are idiots. no one kept good records,
so they are scrambling to make things right for the federal govt,
you know for uh, oh, i forgot the name of the program.
but, I know a rush for records when I see it.
I have been there.
Keep looking people, I am outta here!
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
Originally Posted by transformyself
basic manners
of course all familys have some sort of dysfunction...
we have lost MANNERS now adays...dunno, i can go on and say why but it comes down to either they dont KNOW BETTER because of what there home was like, or its just plain laziness...
I am at my kids for manners every single day...
i just showed my son about "his form of maniluplation" to me the other day and how i am not going to be guilted by it....but hey, thats me....
just call me
WONDER MOM WOMAN!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: NC
Posts: 199
A great example of how I can use Al Anon principles in day to day life. I'm an elementary school teacher. I see this kind of thing with kids all the time. It gets worse every single year. When we discipline them for it in school, we have parents breathing down our back and emailing us in a tirade. It's sad. I dread seeing what this generation will be like when the grow up. Manners and self control are a thing of the past.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
