Ltlys

Well, A LOT has happened in the last few days! On Friday evening out of the blue my RABF sent me a text. He asked how I have been and made small talk. He asked me if we could get together and talk. It was an enevitable conversation. I agreed to drive over to the nearby town he is staying in. I was so nervous and scared. At the same time I was overcome with a thrill of getting to see him and see how be was doing. I was quite pleased that he contacted me finally. I had stuck to my guns, honoring his decision to work through some things and contacting me when he was ready.

It was a beautiful reunion. I was so happy to see him sober and clear headed. I prayed for a clear head and for strenght to do the right thing. We talked for hours about how we are both recovering. Exchanged insight and sayings about our programs. We were both able to say how the 12 steps and slogans in both our programs applied to all the areas of our individual recovery. It was amazing! He spoke of his treatment and his therapy and of all the wonderful couselors and fellowship of his experience. Our connection was close and for a long time we just sat on the couch and just held each other. In 52 days I have not felt those feelings of content and love. It was simply facinating and wonderful.

I went back last night and we did the same thing. We exchanged books and worksheets that we thought would be benifical for one another. I fell asleep there last night and held each other close. I had longed for that for so long... As did he. That feeling of complete euphoria was there. It was like getting to know each other for the first time.

Throughout the last two months I have been experiencing so many emotions and I had so many questions of "why this and why that"? I just wanted answers to those questions. It was weird though, that by talking about the things we have learned and experienced through both of our recovery programs that non of that seemed to matter anymore. I didn't need to say how hurt, upset and angry I had been because we both knew that the disease of alcoholism and the Co-dependence was running the show in the past. All we know was that by continuing to work our programs and applying the 12 steps and slogans that all the past stuff doesnt really matter. We have the tools to use for the future.

Im thrilled with how good he is doing he seems to really be serious about his recovery. As happy as I am today Im so scared of relapse on botb our parts. I have read and heard so many stories of relapse and relationships not being able to continue as a result. Im so happy and hopeful right now and I dont want to ever feel those feelings of heartbreak and despair ever again.

I also know that now more than ever I need to take each day at a time and not project into the future. I am not in control of how our relationship will end up. I guess I just need some advice and encouragement. On how to not slip back into my destructive ways. How to process and handle starting over without sabatoging how far we have both come. And Im curious if any of you think I am completely nuts for even hoping that he and I could have a great future together?

Tuffgirl

I don't think its nuts to hope for a great future together. I think its nuts to base everything on hope.

Thing is, you don't have any control over any of this, except yourself, your behavior, your thoughts, and actions.

You can worry and fret all day everyday for the next decade, and you still don't have control over anything except yourself.

I'd throw in a "more to be revealed" but if you really are working your own program here - you already know this.

So go live life instead of spending so much time focused on "will he, won't he, will we, won't we??!!!" Develop a healthy attitude based on living a life that is satisfying to you, not based on the need to be in a relationship. That way, if it works out, great bonus! If it doesn't, you still have a wonderful life to live! Make sense?

LexieCat

No, you aren't nuts for hoping that. You are, however, getting ahead of yourself quite a bit. You've had a couple of nice evenings. You are both riding a pink cloud. Pink clouds don't last forever. Even if he never drinks again, you both have a rough road ahead of you. It may turn out great--I've seen many cases where it does. But it can also crash and burn.

Take it a day at a time. I'm not predicting a disaster for you, but I am thinking you may wind up rather disillusioned at some point if you don't keep your feet on the ground.

Hope you both stick with your programs. It's easy to start feeling like things are "all better now" and get blindsided when you least expect it. For both of you.

dandylion

I agree Ltlys, it is still way early in the game. Old patterns, attitudes and behaviors die hard, and it is soo easy to drift back into channeling your energy into the relationship and seeking the relationship to satisfy your needs.

I don't think you are crazy---just keep going in your present direction, and--TIME TIME TIME.

If it is in the cards, I believe that time will tell.

Good luck with your continued recovery!

dandylion

LaTeeDa

This too shall pass. You will not be happy and hopeful forever. That's just life. We always want the good stuff to last forever and the bad stuff to never happen, but that's just not how it works. If you live your life in fear of what may happen, you tarnish the goodness of the present moment. Revel in it while it lasts, but keep working on your recovery so that when the inevitable happens, you will have the resources to weather the storm. And by the inevitable, I don't necessarily mean he will drink again, just that into each life a little rain must fall.

Actually, I started a thread about this once that explains it a little better. I will go find it and bump it for you. It's called "This too shall pass..."

L

Ltlys

Thanks everyone!

I am aware that this blissfullnes wont last forever. I know how hard recovery is. Its something we will both always have to work at.

I have discovered that living apart, especially him living in another town, will be an advantage for both of us to work on ourselves. Specifically for me because I can detach myself a bit more knowing he is not "right around the corner."
I know its not always gonna work out to just go over and see him.

I could be wrong but, it seems that this living situation has been my higher powers gift to me, to see that I can make it on my own and be alone. Idk, just a thought!

Aside feomthe three Al Anon books I have is there any helpful literature out there specifically relating to recovery? I love the daily reminders in my little books and the excerpts in my Al Anon book but, wonder if there is more detailed stuff, especially a Co Dependent's recovery process relating to the Alcoholic?

I would definitely like to read some stuff about all of it!

Thanks again Ya'll! Have a blessed Sunday!

Tuffgirl

The Language of Letting Go - Melody Beattie. Excellent daily reader!

AnvilheadII

All we know was that by continuing to work our programs and applying the 12 steps and slogans that all the past stuff doesnt really matter.

um, yes it does. recovery isn't the call of "olly olly oxen free" like when the game of hide and seek is over. 12 step recovery is about delving INTO our past because THAT is where the lessons are. i fear you are living in fantasy land. remember you two were supposed to be on a beach somewhere? there was supposed to be a commitment? but instead he bailed - yes he went to treatment, but he also cut you off...walked out on you and the kids with barely a word or a glance. alcohol didn't MAKE him do that.

now almost conveniently that the big to do is off, HE'S BACK. and if i understand correctly said nary ONE WORD about his conduct, how he ditched and ran, not even a word to acknowledge how you must have felt.

when we are grounded in reality we don't swoon because they called. we would not NEED them to feel contented and loved. he's still your FIX. be careful. and maybe ask him if he plans to pay you back for that trip?

KKE

Will be interesting to see how long it takes for his sister to show up at yours!

Ltlys

Anvilhead

I guess maybe I should have rephrased that statement. It wasn't that the events of the past didnt matter. More like, we did't bring up specific past indiscretions specifcally because we both sort of understood how sick both of us were previously. That, by talking about our programs and what we have taken from them, that we didn have to hash out every argument or fight. If I had started in on " why did u do such and such or treat me this way" and vice versa it would have been me doing exactly what I always did. It was more of an understanding between the two of us that, yes, we both messed up royaly but neither of us were in our right minds. When I said it felt like ithose things didnt really matter what I should have said was that we couldnt go back and change any of the damage done only use those events as learning tools. That it didnt matter what the indiscretion was, we both knew it wasnt right. That prolly doesnt make any sense either.

As far as the cutting us out his life so abruptly... Yes I was baffled and hurt and confused. Yes, me and my girls were heartbroken. Isnt he always considered an Alcoholic though? Isnt it a disease I cant understand? I don't have a clue why he was such a jerk about it. Should I have asked? Would he have even been able to give me an answer? I had to let him make his own decisions and live his life. I cant change his decisions or actions. If I had gotten into all of the why's and begging for answers, I would not have been applying any of the things I have learned so far. You are right, alcohol didn't make him do those things. Yes, I would like to be appologized to. I still cant make him do that. If he is working his program then sometime I will get that appology. Since I am working mine... I have accepted that I am powerless over alcohol and other people. I cannot change their actions. I am letting my higher power be in control. Should I be questioning my higher power about why this new turn of events took place or trust that it knows whats best?

Yes, not being able to go on that trip still upsets me. It obviously wasn't meant for us to take that trip though. That trip was supposed to be a gift to him from me. I dont think I have any right to ask him to give me money back for that. Yes I may be out of all that money but I believe, had things not happened the way they have, that all the money in the world would not make up for what may have happened had we gone on living in a bad situation.

Maybe ur right maybe I am being way to naive. Maybe I am not grounded in reality. I have done that many times... Let my head get away from me. I appreciate ur opinion. I have appreciated everyone's thoughts and concerns. I just know I have doing so much to fix myself. Yes, I am just staring on this journey and I have a long way to go. Had I not gotten this far I know I would not have been able to have ever had a calm conversation with him. I would have went ape sh*t on him. I may have even done something horrible. I have to believe that things ate going just the way they were meant to be right now.

Ltlys

KKE... Thats another thing that has oddly enough worked out... At least for now. She just all of a sudden quite coming by or talking to me at all. She was suppose to come in for an appointment last wednesday and she never showed or called or anything!
I had been praying for protection from harmful situations and negativity. I prayed for things to be as they should be with his sister and I.

Maybe i have been relieved of her negativity. At least for now. She might start up again once she learns that we have spoken. For right now, today, I am enjoying not worrying about her. I will continue to pray for things to be as they are intended to be in my relationship with both of them.

marie1960

I truly wish your guy strength and courage in recovery.

Not to sound like a heartless insensitive jerk............. But........ if I read your post correctly, it's only been 52 days?

Putting the cart in front of the horse doesn't work.

Keep the focus on you.

Wishing you all the best.

Ltlys

LaTeeDa did u find that thread? Where do I need to go to read it?

Rosiepetal

In my opinion it is very important that you both continue on your own recovery paths.
I agree you need to live one day at a time at the moment.
I am currently with a RABF who has almost 6 months sober.
It is still early days but we are happy at present.
I know that there is a risk of relapse but it is a risk I am prepared to take.
I can't live in fear of relapse, neither can I look too far into the future of the relationship.
There is no hurry, easy does it & one day at a time.
Good luck.

LaTeeDa

Yes I did. It's here: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...hall-pass.html

m1k3

Ltlys, there is noting wrong with hope but a big rule to remember.

Hope clouds observation.

When you are full of hope it is easy to look at warning signs and ignore them because this time is different. So, hope away but keep your eyes wide open and accept reality as it is, good or bad.

Your friend,

Tryingtoletgo3

Just a personal thought after reading all of your posts and what you have been through with him, his family, your daughters.... Please be careful allowing him back into your daughters lives. You are an adult and are making your own decisions, but your daughters are forced into the decisions you are making for them. It sounded like they were greatly affected and hurt by what went on with him in the past and there are terrible consequences emotionally long term for children who are subjected to situations like that over and over. It seems from all of your posts that he has mental health issues on top of his alcoholism (or underlying and causing it) that have not been addressed in any way and that normally means that he will continue to relapse unfortunately. I know the pain of loving an A and losing them. I am struggling with the loss of my STBXAH right now and his actions and the actions of his family are scarily similiar to those that you described with your ABF.... Recovery or not, NO WAY will I ever let our kids be subjected to his actions again though, regardless of the pain I feel over the loss. At this point, it seems like you are just trying to subdue that pain and fill the void he left in your heart. Please take time to assess the harm having him back in your life can do to your girls and put them first!

Ltlys

Yep, its true.... Im nothing but a fool.
Always will be I guess.

For a several hours that pain and heartache was gone and It felt so good. Yeah I know thats not right... I didnt care I needed it to go away. He is my drug, and I just relapsed.

I don't know where to go from here.

LaTeeDa

Please don't sentence yourself to a life of pain and disappointment. If I can change, anyone can.

Refer to what Anvil said about lessons learned from the past. There is a lesson here for you. Could it be that depending on someone else to make you happy isn't a very sound plan?

L

Tryingtoletgo3

They can take the pain away momentarily at times, but it normally comes back stronger and with vengeance. It just isn't worth it from my experience. I know the pain you are feeling and my heart breaks for you. Be thankful that you aren't stuck with any connections to your A that will prevent you from making a break. You don't share children and that will make it much easier for you to get away from the craziness and constant turmoil that comes with the A... Be strong and it will pay off for a lifetime.