unindated

I know it is common for an alcoholic to deny that they have a problem, but is it equally common for an alcoholic to admit that they have a problem, but deny that events, situations and arguments are caused by their drinking?

An alcoholic friend of mine would say/do things when they have had a drink, and then when I would ask a reasonable question the following day regarding their behaviour, be evasive of the situation. Not only that, they would manipulate the situation into somehow being my fault, purely based on the fact I'd like them to explain their unreasonable behaviour. The common response being that they are never going to agree with me, when all I've asked is an explanation.

LexieCat

Absolutely. They admit they sometimes drink "too much" but deny that their lives are unmanageable, or that they are hurting anyone other than themselves.

Don't try to argue issues with an alcoholic. You cannot reason with them, and you are only going to walk away feeling like YOU are the crazy one.

unindated

Yeah, it definitely makes me think I'm going crazy. I keep having to come back to this site, read threads, and ask what seems like obvious questions, to make myself seem sane.

OnawaMiniya

Oh, yes. Nothing is my husband's fault. It's always "my" fault. Fortunately, I'm decent at distinguishing between what is his personal responsibility and what is mine, so I don't feel so confused by thinking things are my fault when they are not at all, or when it takes two to tango. He, on the other hand, finds a way in his twisted brain to make it 100% my fault.

Another thing he does regularly is tell me I said something I did not say at all, or, he gets what I said completely backwards.

In both instances, I feel there are times when he TRULY BELIEVES in the things he is insisting (particularly when he gets something that I've said completely backwards, because he's not really listening, and also because I'm getting more sure every day that he has alcohol induced brain damage), and at other times, I know full well he is just trying to manipulate and confuse me.

He will from time to time admit (albeit reluctantly) that he has a problem, and not necessarily directly. I mean, things he says allude to the fact that he knows he has got issues. But the vast majority of the time, no matter how insane his behavior is, if it is pointed out, he just sticks with the "I don't have a problem" defense. I'm sure it is because deep down they are embarrassed by what they say and do. I know that my husband is deep down, though I'm not going to hold my breath waiting for him to straight up say that out loud to me, directly, not by insinuating.

wicked

Some alcoholics will have no memory of the conversation or behavior.
I have had too many blackouts to count.
talking to people, driving a car! not remembering how I got home.
It is only by grace no one was hurt in an accident or worse.
Blackouts can happen for a few minutes or a few hours, one never knows.

So, when you ask a drunk what happened while they were drunk, you are not going to get a direct answer either by design, deceit, or straight out lying to your face.
You feel crazy because you are expecting a straight answer from a drunk.
It will not happen. Not while actively in addiction.

I am sorry that you get confused and hurt.
It is best not to engage at all with an alcoholic, about anything he/she says or does while active in addiction.
It is about protecting the drink at all costs.
Lying is pretty low on the scale of things some will do to protect their "image" or keep drinking.

Beth

You are the sane one.
Do not expect the truth.
Expectations are future resentments.

NYCDoglvr

Active alcoholics have a huge problem in taking responsibility for their words and actions. That's once reason it's so hard to get sober. They have to repair the "wreckage of the past". "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."