Scratch That. I'm glad I f**king Called
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Scratch That. I'm glad I f**king Called
I got it from the horse's mouth. He's following legal advice that tells him to give us less than half the court-ordered pension. Enough for rent and one meal per person per day.
I feel stronger, clearer and sick to death of all the legal crap and advice from idiot counsellors.
Look, soon as I find another source for help, he's gonna feel off the hook. I am not taking my children to go begging for help.
I just worked out, and felt stronger than I have in months.
I feel stronger, clearer and sick to death of all the legal crap and advice from idiot counsellors.
Look, soon as I find another source for help, he's gonna feel off the hook. I am not taking my children to go begging for help.
I just worked out, and felt stronger than I have in months.
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I get how you feel, Pippi, but think about it. You are not looking for another source for help because "he's gonna feel off the hook." You are putting the battle against him above the practicalities of providing for yourself and your daughters.
One thing I have learned over the years of dealing with this disease and other challenges is to ask myself, "Do you want to be RIGHT? Or do you want to be HAPPY?" It seems counterproductive to deprive yourself and your children of food and other necessities for the sake of proving what a jerk he is.
Just my two cents.
One thing I have learned over the years of dealing with this disease and other challenges is to ask myself, "Do you want to be RIGHT? Or do you want to be HAPPY?" It seems counterproductive to deprive yourself and your children of food and other necessities for the sake of proving what a jerk he is.
Just my two cents.
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What happened to him getting his a$$ thrown into jail? I liked that plan. He'd still be getting more meals a day than he thinks you guys should have though.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. The worst part about it for me would be the anger I'd feel towards him. I want to b*tch slap the man and I've never met either one of you.
Keep feeling strong, Pippi!
I'm so sorry you are going through this. The worst part about it for me would be the anger I'd feel towards him. I want to b*tch slap the man and I've never met either one of you.
Keep feeling strong, Pippi!
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Bitch slap. Love it!
Yeah. I was having a hard time with the oart where he can't return to this place. That's a lot of long term drama. For the children especially.
I am so too nice though. I warned him that he could go to jail for not paying the pension. This morning. I told him that I didn't want my children's father in jail. He poo pooed me.
Ok. Now I warned him. And so if he had consequences to face, he sure has it coming.
Thinks he's above the law. We'll see.
Made an appointment to file a criminal complaint. If that's what life is pushing us towards, all right already. It isn't my first choice. My first choice was a peaceful loving family life. Clearly, AH wants a drama.
Yeah. I was having a hard time with the oart where he can't return to this place. That's a lot of long term drama. For the children especially.
I am so too nice though. I warned him that he could go to jail for not paying the pension. This morning. I told him that I didn't want my children's father in jail. He poo pooed me.
Ok. Now I warned him. And so if he had consequences to face, he sure has it coming.
Thinks he's above the law. We'll see.
Made an appointment to file a criminal complaint. If that's what life is pushing us towards, all right already. It isn't my first choice. My first choice was a peaceful loving family life. Clearly, AH wants a drama.
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Update: I have an appointment in three days with my lawyer. To see about AH going to jail for not paying the pension. That phone call really showed me how mean he is determined to be. His strategy is to make us poor and make me fall apart. How he could do that with the children he loves suffering along side me is incomprehensible.
I am really not wanting this drama. Even if I get pension money, it will cost in legal fees, too. But at least I will be able to pay some debt off. Assuming he pays.
Then he is going to be in a crazy fury. I took that Mosaic threat assessment test that Shooting Star mentioned. I scored an 8 out of ten for risk for more violence. Of course, the keeping us in financial uncertainty is a form of violence already.
This also just goes against everything in my character. I was the kid on the playground that was afraid of the bullies. I ran away from them all the time. I am strong and brave in many respects.
What is holding me back here? I want to behave kindly. I question whether this is just too mean. AH was also put in jail once for dv, and he never let me forget it. I am afraid he is going to want revenge more than ever.
I just feel at this point this is what everything is leading up to. It seems almost inevitable.
Sorry if this is a bit of a ramble.
A friend has possible paid work for me. Can't seem to move forward though today. Sometimes this whole situation feels awfully heavy and then I have nights when I can't sleep much and I'm overwhelmed.
I know I'll feel better soon though.
I am really not wanting this drama. Even if I get pension money, it will cost in legal fees, too. But at least I will be able to pay some debt off. Assuming he pays.
Then he is going to be in a crazy fury. I took that Mosaic threat assessment test that Shooting Star mentioned. I scored an 8 out of ten for risk for more violence. Of course, the keeping us in financial uncertainty is a form of violence already.
This also just goes against everything in my character. I was the kid on the playground that was afraid of the bullies. I ran away from them all the time. I am strong and brave in many respects.
What is holding me back here? I want to behave kindly. I question whether this is just too mean. AH was also put in jail once for dv, and he never let me forget it. I am afraid he is going to want revenge more than ever.
I just feel at this point this is what everything is leading up to. It seems almost inevitable.
Sorry if this is a bit of a ramble.
A friend has possible paid work for me. Can't seem to move forward though today. Sometimes this whole situation feels awfully heavy and then I have nights when I can't sleep much and I'm overwhelmed.
I know I'll feel better soon though.
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Regarding bullies. I knew I was smarter and stronger than the neighborhood bullies. I ran because I didn't want to get mixed up with them. I didn't want my spirit touched by their meanness. That's what I am experiencing again. AH is so so mean now. I just want to live my own life. I don't want to be near him. Does that make me cowardly? My instinct when he is like this is to distance myself from him. But like the neighborhood kids, that makes him come after me all the more.
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YOU don't have the power to put him in jail. The State does. He is violating a court order, and it will be up to the judge how to enforce that. Judges don't take kindly to having their orders ignored.
He is the one violating the rules, and he does so at his own risk.
And good news on the possible paying work--I hope you follow through with that. It won't get him off the hook, but you need to feed yourself and your kids.
He is the one violating the rules, and he does so at his own risk.
And good news on the possible paying work--I hope you follow through with that. It won't get him off the hook, but you need to feed yourself and your kids.
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Thanks, Lexie.
I guess I know it is up to the judge to decide what to do. But when My mother placed the call that sent the police, and the police decided - against my wishes - to put AH in jail, it is only me whom AH held accountable. For 5 years the children and I all heard frequently how horrible I am to have done that.
And that was nothing. This is jail on another continent from the airport, as he arrives to see the children.
He is going to want to put an end to me after that.
I guess I know it is up to the judge to decide what to do. But when My mother placed the call that sent the police, and the police decided - against my wishes - to put AH in jail, it is only me whom AH held accountable. For 5 years the children and I all heard frequently how horrible I am to have done that.
And that was nothing. This is jail on another continent from the airport, as he arrives to see the children.
He is going to want to put an end to me after that.
A work in progress
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Well, then you'd best have a safety plan in place. But you can't have it both ways. If you want to enforce the order, you have to let the court know he isn't abiding by it. He's made it clear he has no intention of doing the right thing. So your options are either to live without the support or to let the government machinery extract it.
I'm not sure how it works in the country where you are living now, but in the US, the person owing the support holds the key to his own release. The minute the money is paid he is free to go. So if he stays in, it's only because he is being too pigheaded to pay. Again, that's how it works in the US--it may be different there.
I'm not sure how it works in the country where you are living now, but in the US, the person owing the support holds the key to his own release. The minute the money is paid he is free to go. So if he stays in, it's only because he is being too pigheaded to pay. Again, that's how it works in the US--it may be different there.
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Hi Pippi,
I really can't imagine how hurt/angry/stressed you must be feeling right now. And I totally agree that what he is doing to you and your kids is abuse.
I also understand why you are reluctant to engage him in an all out battle. You must be frightened of him. I know I would be terrified.
That said, you somehow need to keep moving forward because it doesn't sound like your ex is going to suddenly see the light. At some point you are going to have to put all your emotions about the situation aside, and put your trust in your lawyer and the people on SR who know how to deal with these types of situations--I do not have a clue.
Hugs
I really can't imagine how hurt/angry/stressed you must be feeling right now. And I totally agree that what he is doing to you and your kids is abuse.
I also understand why you are reluctant to engage him in an all out battle. You must be frightened of him. I know I would be terrified.
That said, you somehow need to keep moving forward because it doesn't sound like your ex is going to suddenly see the light. At some point you are going to have to put all your emotions about the situation aside, and put your trust in your lawyer and the people on SR who know how to deal with these types of situations--I do not have a clue.
Hugs
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
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Incidentally, the last guy I lived with was arrested one morning for missing a couple of payments. The Sheriff's Officers who arrested him took him to the ATM and then directly to court where he paid and was free to go. It was not a big deal (though he was rather PO'd about it).
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A question: Is there a part of you that feels like you can convince your ex to do the right thing? There seems to be this subtext in some of your words that you are trying to convince him to be different.
This is an argument that I had with my ex(es) -- and really with myself -- for a long time. I didn't want to believe that the men standing in front of me were who they said they were. But they were. They were exactly the punishing, arrogant, selfish people they proved to be.
I refused to see it. I believed there were good things about them. After all, what would it say about me that I chose to be with these mean people? So I coerced, manipulated, begged, pleaded, and warned them over and over again to the potential consequences of their terrible behavior. I fretted about it. I worried over it. I tried to come up with newer, better ways of talking to him about what he was doing. None of it made any difference.
In hindsight, I wish I just dealt with him (them) as he was. I wish I'd seen them with the same indifference they assigned to me. Something my lawyer said to me last week -- there's no room for emotion in the law. There's room for a lot of facts. No emotion. Take the emotion out of this situation and you have a guy that's ordered to pay $X, he isn't, and the party to whom he's supposed to be paying needs to see that $$ and it preparing to make it happen. You're not doing a damn thing wrong here. "Mean" isn't a part of it. He's obligated to pay this money. If he's angry with you about it? **** him. He shoulda followed court orders, eh?
This is an argument that I had with my ex(es) -- and really with myself -- for a long time. I didn't want to believe that the men standing in front of me were who they said they were. But they were. They were exactly the punishing, arrogant, selfish people they proved to be.
I refused to see it. I believed there were good things about them. After all, what would it say about me that I chose to be with these mean people? So I coerced, manipulated, begged, pleaded, and warned them over and over again to the potential consequences of their terrible behavior. I fretted about it. I worried over it. I tried to come up with newer, better ways of talking to him about what he was doing. None of it made any difference.
In hindsight, I wish I just dealt with him (them) as he was. I wish I'd seen them with the same indifference they assigned to me. Something my lawyer said to me last week -- there's no room for emotion in the law. There's room for a lot of facts. No emotion. Take the emotion out of this situation and you have a guy that's ordered to pay $X, he isn't, and the party to whom he's supposed to be paying needs to see that $$ and it preparing to make it happen. You're not doing a damn thing wrong here. "Mean" isn't a part of it. He's obligated to pay this money. If he's angry with you about it? **** him. He shoulda followed court orders, eh?
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Lexie, yes. Once he pays, they apparently put him on a return flight to the US and he can't come back to this country.
DoS, thanks! Yes, sometimes I am quite frightened of him. I feel like there is a destructive force in him and I can't see where this is going to end. At other times I feel perfectly strong. It's a roller coaster ride and I want off!
And Florence, you got a lot of it right. Absolutely. AH used to seem so nice. And then there is Hyde. I think I have functioned as AH's conscience in the past. I believe there is a part of him that wants to do right. And with me having quit him, the demon has taken over. The nice guy was either a pretext or is weak left on his own without my reminding him how to behave.
I have a hard time believing that Hyde guy is all there really is to him. I feel bad for Jekyll. I want Jekyll to win in the end. For the children. For me, too.
This thing is deep. It was easy to get him out of the house. And to get the restraining order and separation wasn't all that bad. Filing a police report was harder. Didn't even slow him down, though.
I guess I have to leave him in the hands of the law. I suppose I am enabling, as GettingBy rightly points out.
I just have to answer for myself that I have tried all other, more peaceful, paths. And this is the last resort.
Thanks to you all for your thoughtful replies.
DoS, thanks! Yes, sometimes I am quite frightened of him. I feel like there is a destructive force in him and I can't see where this is going to end. At other times I feel perfectly strong. It's a roller coaster ride and I want off!
And Florence, you got a lot of it right. Absolutely. AH used to seem so nice. And then there is Hyde. I think I have functioned as AH's conscience in the past. I believe there is a part of him that wants to do right. And with me having quit him, the demon has taken over. The nice guy was either a pretext or is weak left on his own without my reminding him how to behave.
I have a hard time believing that Hyde guy is all there really is to him. I feel bad for Jekyll. I want Jekyll to win in the end. For the children. For me, too.
This thing is deep. It was easy to get him out of the house. And to get the restraining order and separation wasn't all that bad. Filing a police report was harder. Didn't even slow him down, though.
I guess I have to leave him in the hands of the law. I suppose I am enabling, as GettingBy rightly points out.
I just have to answer for myself that I have tried all other, more peaceful, paths. And this is the last resort.
Thanks to you all for your thoughtful replies.
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What is holding me back here?
This also just goes against everything in my character.
I want to behave kindly.
I question whether this is just too mean.
Is it not mean to shortchange the Mother of his children so she cannot provide adequately for them?
Look, Pippi, you need to fight for your kids and what they rightfully deserve. Strong and courageous people don't run from bullies. They stand toe to toe and hold their ground!!
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Pippi,
I totally get why filing the criminal complaint is so frightening. You have no idea what you will unleash in him. It is impossible to even predict how it will all play out. It is crossing a big line and you won't be able to take it back. That is SCARY.
However, if what's stopping you is that you are trying to reclaim the nice part of him and not accept the reality of who he is (like Florence said), well, that is not a reason not to do it.
on the other hand, if you are legitimately scared for your safety if you file, that is a totally different issue.
It's like Lexie said, you can either file the criminal complaint, or get a job and try to make some money to support yourself. You really only have two choices. Hoping he will become empathetic and responsible is not a third option, IMO.
Sending you strength and courage--not that I have a lot myself but every little bit counts.
I totally get why filing the criminal complaint is so frightening. You have no idea what you will unleash in him. It is impossible to even predict how it will all play out. It is crossing a big line and you won't be able to take it back. That is SCARY.
However, if what's stopping you is that you are trying to reclaim the nice part of him and not accept the reality of who he is (like Florence said), well, that is not a reason not to do it.
on the other hand, if you are legitimately scared for your safety if you file, that is a totally different issue.
It's like Lexie said, you can either file the criminal complaint, or get a job and try to make some money to support yourself. You really only have two choices. Hoping he will become empathetic and responsible is not a third option, IMO.
Sending you strength and courage--not that I have a lot myself but every little bit counts.
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Thank you for helping me puzzle this out.
1. I am definitely scared at how he will behave once he's been arrested and then released. Fears include kidnapping and worse violence, his abandoning all responsibility, hurting himself, you name it.
2. I suppose I want him back to being mr nice guy. The divorce would be so much easier that way. Life was way gentler on our family when Dr Jekyll was in charge of him.
It used to be that Hyde made only a rare and brief appearance. I often thought that I was only imagining him.
3. When I sent him out of the house, filed for separation - I really believed he would turn things around and get better. Now, I have very little reason to believe any action is going to improve matters. I see this next stop as dramatic and almost inevitable. I doubt anything positive will come, except some cash to tide me over for a bit.
4. It's sinking in that I am going to have to make money. As much as possible. I just need some time to sort out work and family life coming together in a way that seems doable for us.
It's a lot to figure out. I i realize I've just got to.
1. I am definitely scared at how he will behave once he's been arrested and then released. Fears include kidnapping and worse violence, his abandoning all responsibility, hurting himself, you name it.
2. I suppose I want him back to being mr nice guy. The divorce would be so much easier that way. Life was way gentler on our family when Dr Jekyll was in charge of him.
It used to be that Hyde made only a rare and brief appearance. I often thought that I was only imagining him.
3. When I sent him out of the house, filed for separation - I really believed he would turn things around and get better. Now, I have very little reason to believe any action is going to improve matters. I see this next stop as dramatic and almost inevitable. I doubt anything positive will come, except some cash to tide me over for a bit.
4. It's sinking in that I am going to have to make money. As much as possible. I just need some time to sort out work and family life coming together in a way that seems doable for us.
It's a lot to figure out. I i realize I've just got to.
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I suppose I want him back to being mr nice guy. The divorce would be so much easier that way. Life was way gentler on our family when Dr Jekyll was in charge of him. It used to be that Hyde made only a rare and brief appearance. I often thought that I was only imagining him.
Sending support today.
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Is there any way some time might sort this problem out? I mean, maybe he is still really angry you asked him to leave, and maybe his anger will dissipate over time?
If you could lay low for a while, either borrow some money from someone and/or make some somehow, would he then see there is no one to fight with anymore, mellow out, and do the right thing for his kids?
I'm just throwing it out there. It sounds like so much is at stake right now that maybe if you could just buy yourself a little time, the answer would become more clear to you..
I like your approach of hanging out with the kids and petting the cat. I always pet my cats too when I feel like things are out of control.
If you could lay low for a while, either borrow some money from someone and/or make some somehow, would he then see there is no one to fight with anymore, mellow out, and do the right thing for his kids?
I'm just throwing it out there. It sounds like so much is at stake right now that maybe if you could just buy yourself a little time, the answer would become more clear to you..
I like your approach of hanging out with the kids and petting the cat. I always pet my cats too when I feel like things are out of control.
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