I messed up and called him
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
I messed up and called him
Can't even follow my own advice. Woke up at 4 and couldn't sleep.
Thought and thought and finally decided to call AH and tell him directly that we need money for food. I emailed him 2 days ago. He didn't reply. Thought about all the roundabout ways to deal with this. Calling other people, like neighbors, friends, family. Lawyers. Facebook. Sick of going around the fricking attack dog who is in the middle of the yard sitting on the money.
So you know, I called my house. The one I haven't been in since last summer. No answer. Tried 3 times. So I called AH's bloody cell.
I married a total a**h***. He says his lawyers advise him to give me a sum that is only enough for rent and enough to feed us for a week or two. He is spewing horrible things that the lawyer tells him. He says if I am unwell he will get full custody. He tried to say my call was threatening and that I was saying I wouldn't care for the children if he didn't give me more money. He said I should get work and couldn't answer who would care for the children when they come home every day for the 2 hour lunch break.
Etc. he isn't using his brain to think independently. I reiterated the same thing. Forget the lawyers. I need money to feed the children. What would you like me to do to feed the children.
He just doesn't get it. There is something wrong with him. He is calm and in a complete fog. This man is brilliant. And yet doesn't have a clue.
I am sick of lawyers. They haven't helped much and they tell AH crazy horrible things to do to me. What an awful world those people live in.
I am tired of going around the attack dog. I want to kick him straight in the face. Let him attack back. I am tired of paying other people who can't do much about him anyway.
Thought and thought and finally decided to call AH and tell him directly that we need money for food. I emailed him 2 days ago. He didn't reply. Thought about all the roundabout ways to deal with this. Calling other people, like neighbors, friends, family. Lawyers. Facebook. Sick of going around the fricking attack dog who is in the middle of the yard sitting on the money.
So you know, I called my house. The one I haven't been in since last summer. No answer. Tried 3 times. So I called AH's bloody cell.
I married a total a**h***. He says his lawyers advise him to give me a sum that is only enough for rent and enough to feed us for a week or two. He is spewing horrible things that the lawyer tells him. He says if I am unwell he will get full custody. He tried to say my call was threatening and that I was saying I wouldn't care for the children if he didn't give me more money. He said I should get work and couldn't answer who would care for the children when they come home every day for the 2 hour lunch break.
Etc. he isn't using his brain to think independently. I reiterated the same thing. Forget the lawyers. I need money to feed the children. What would you like me to do to feed the children.
He just doesn't get it. There is something wrong with him. He is calm and in a complete fog. This man is brilliant. And yet doesn't have a clue.
I am sick of lawyers. They haven't helped much and they tell AH crazy horrible things to do to me. What an awful world those people live in.
I am tired of going around the attack dog. I want to kick him straight in the face. Let him attack back. I am tired of paying other people who can't do much about him anyway.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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I wouldn't assume, necessarily, that he is telling the truth about what his lawyers are telling him. Nor would I assume that he is telling THEM the truth about anything.
I think he is trying to squeeze you, to make you panic, and it's working.
Put together a plan to feed you and the kids, for right now. Forget for the moment about who SHOULD be paying. It isn't about what's fair at the moment, it's about addressing the problem.
Could the kids eat at school, or go home with a friend for lunch? Maybe work out an arrangement with one of the other moms so you could work? It may feel like you are giving in to his demands, but which is more important, being right or taking care of yourself and the kiddos?
I'm in no way defending him--I think he's a first-class jerk. Just trying to throw out some practical suggestions.
I think he is trying to squeeze you, to make you panic, and it's working.
Put together a plan to feed you and the kids, for right now. Forget for the moment about who SHOULD be paying. It isn't about what's fair at the moment, it's about addressing the problem.
Could the kids eat at school, or go home with a friend for lunch? Maybe work out an arrangement with one of the other moms so you could work? It may feel like you are giving in to his demands, but which is more important, being right or taking care of yourself and the kiddos?
I'm in no way defending him--I think he's a first-class jerk. Just trying to throw out some practical suggestions.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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So then he is doing whatever he wants to do. Disregarding any possible negative consequences.
Sometimes he'd put his face up in mine and egg me on, telling me to go ahead and slap him. In front of the kids. After saying nasty things. Anything to make me act badly.
WHat the heck?
Sometimes he'd put his face up in mine and egg me on, telling me to go ahead and slap him. In front of the kids. After saying nasty things. Anything to make me act badly.
WHat the heck?
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Location: Anchorage, Alaska
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I think you summarized it well in your initial post. The man is a first class a$$. During my divorce, no matter how mad the girls' Dad would get at me, he always paid support. Now, as I've built a great career, his checks are few and far between, but back then, when I was starting out, the checks arrived on time. He KNEW the money supported HIS kids. He would grumble and moan about it, but he KNEW why he was doing it.
Yours is, like Lexie says, making it hurt. I assume he thinks if he squeezes hard enough, you will beg to come home. And then he's got you under his thumb.
Can you find something that allows you some flexibility while earning money at the same time? Back in my day, I was in college full-time and worked at a warehouse in the mornings while the girls were at school, and babysat neighbor kids in the afternoons when school was out. Watching 5 kids for 3 hours a day was a nice chunk of change in my pocket each week! Between my two "jobs", student loans, and child support, we could keep the house, my car, and food on the table.
Get creative!
Yours is, like Lexie says, making it hurt. I assume he thinks if he squeezes hard enough, you will beg to come home. And then he's got you under his thumb.
Can you find something that allows you some flexibility while earning money at the same time? Back in my day, I was in college full-time and worked at a warehouse in the mornings while the girls were at school, and babysat neighbor kids in the afternoons when school was out. Watching 5 kids for 3 hours a day was a nice chunk of change in my pocket each week! Between my two "jobs", student loans, and child support, we could keep the house, my car, and food on the table.
Get creative!
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Location: Alaska
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Oh, Pippi. I certainly don't understand what your STBX's thought process is, nor do I understand AXH's thought process. I think it's in part because I do not approach the thought of taking care of and raising DS from an alcohol-filled, drug-addled, or abusive mentality. I'm pretty sure I do not want to be intimately knowledgeable of that thought process....
AXH used to yell down in my face during any argument and would back me up against walls or into corners. When I finally put my hands out on his chest to try to keep from being smashed into the wall, he'd yell that I was physically abusing him. That it was assault, that any cop would see it too and he'd make sure I'd never see DS again. It's a control tactic: "see you can't claim abuse, because it's YOU that's being combative." Never mind anything that came before that he did.
AXH used to yell down in my face during any argument and would back me up against walls or into corners. When I finally put my hands out on his chest to try to keep from being smashed into the wall, he'd yell that I was physically abusing him. That it was assault, that any cop would see it too and he'd make sure I'd never see DS again. It's a control tactic: "see you can't claim abuse, because it's YOU that's being combative." Never mind anything that came before that he did.
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Oh, and kind of OT, but related to the job vs. daycare issue: I just remembered that at DS's school, the school hires a teacher's assistant for the Preschool and Kindergarten classes. During pre-school, the assistant for DS's class had a baby who grew into a toddler (as kids do 
) throughout the year. She was allowed to bring her little one with her to the class during her work day.
Another friend works for a birth center (pre-natal care and mid-wife services) and she's able to bring her daughter to work after school to play with the kids who are there while their mother has her appointment for a soon-to-be new sibling.
I've always kind of had the impression that employers in the US are a bit backwards and behind the times when it comes to opportunities such as these (mom's being able to care for young children at the workplace). It might be a completely off-base impression, IDK. But are there employers there that might offer the same 'benefit'?
) throughout the year. She was allowed to bring her little one with her to the class during her work day.Another friend works for a birth center (pre-natal care and mid-wife services) and she's able to bring her daughter to work after school to play with the kids who are there while their mother has her appointment for a soon-to-be new sibling.
I've always kind of had the impression that employers in the US are a bit backwards and behind the times when it comes to opportunities such as these (mom's being able to care for young children at the workplace). It might be a completely off-base impression, IDK. But are there employers there that might offer the same 'benefit'?
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by PippiLngstockng 
So then he is doing whatever he wants to do. Disregarding any possible negative consequences.
Sometimes he'd put his face up in mine and egg me on, telling me to go ahead and slap him. In front of the kids. After saying nasty things. Anything to make me act badly.
WHat the heck?
Sometimes he'd put his face up in mine and egg me on, telling me to go ahead and slap him. In front of the kids. After saying nasty things. Anything to make me act badly.
WHat the heck?
Do. Not. Take. The. Bait.
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