izzyrose05

The Blame Game is so vicious. Is there no logic at all in their mind. How can they take pure and whole love and turn it into evil in their perception. I am being held responsible for everything wrong in his life. The fact that he can't find help to care for his son, the fact that there is no time in his life for down time, the fact that I want to spend time with him. I am evil. I am destructive, ****..he thinks I'm the devil.

I am quite sure he is an End stage alcoholic. Drinking continuously. Drunk continuously. His car hasn't moved in days. He is spiraling towards death or rock bottom or something horrible. It seems inevitable. How long can someone go on like that? His cells are literally floating in vodka. I imagine until the money runs out or until he dies. I want to make peace with this. I don't want to see him die. I want him to wake the heck up and see what he is doing, what he is done, but I fear when or if he ever does, he will not be able to live with the guilt or the shame.

Is this my codependency? Is this heartbreak? I don't know. I just know I am stuck. So damn stuck! I feel as if I'm in limbo waiting for the end, the beginning, the climax that puts this all to an end. I'm never going back to him, but this waiting for something to change. This inevitable circumstance to occur is a daily torture. I don't know if it's days or weeks, but I can't imagine it to be much longer than that. How can someone stay full of vodka morning noon and night? He can't go for more than an hour or two without drinking before the tremors and vomiting start. He doesn't drink for pleasure anymore. He drinks out of a physical need not to be in pain. He's not working. He's living off of the money I saved for my furniture, it will last a while but I really don't know if he can last as long as the money. I can't help him. He hates me when he is like this. He is Jekyll and Hyde.

I am having such a hard time keeping my chin up and going on day after day. Although I do it. I put the smile on my face and I go to work and I play with my kids but I am dying inside wondering if he is going to drop dead or if he will go on seeing me as the enemy, the devil forever.

I can live with the ending of the relationship, I just don't know how to live with being the evil one. Even though I know it's his disease. Even though I know it's not true. It just hurts. I hurt. I don't know how to find closure with this. Maybe it's just time. Maybe that is my only answer. Maybe I will never the get the closure.

I wish for just one sober conversation with him. To tell him I wish him well. To tell him I loved him the best I could and to tell him I believe in him to get better. And then, I can walk away an know there is only goodness between us. I don't want to live with his hate. I don't deserve it. I don't!

LexieCat

I dunno how long it can go on--my second husband, I'm shocked he is still alive. He almost died while I was with him, before we got married and then went back to drinking. It's been fifteen years since I left, but somehow he is still alive (he drank very much like your fiancé).

My SUGGESTION is that you quit waiting around for whatever is going to happen, to happen. Get on with your life. He is not sane, so what he thinks or believes about you or about anything does not need to be taken seriously. You are only prolonging your OWN suffering by hanging around to watch this slow-motion train wreck.

KKE

You're not the evil one and you're definitely not to blame.....

The blame stuff i find the hardest thing to cope with. When i first came on this board I genuinely thought I was to blame. I now know that's utter cr#p. I'll never forget how it felt though, being told it was my fault that my partner drank. It's just horrible.

Hope it gets better for you....

owathu

Yes, this. It was my fault he was drinking, so he had to leave. Straight into the arms of another alcoholic. Sure, he made mention of "getting sober" of "finding himself'...Sure honey, I believe you, I am the trigger, it's all me and you need to leave to save yourself.

I almost wish that I was. At least he would have gotten help and stopped drinking. THAT, that would have been a good reason to leave.

It wasn't me. It never was. My enabling just delayed the inevitable.

DreamsofSerenity

Your post almost made me cry because I am so not coping well with the blame thing either.

My ex and I are split up and I honestly feel like he hates me. The last contact I had with him (which was a massive mistake) was so toxic it upset me for weeks. All he does is radiate rage and anger toward me. My friend who knows him and has been through AA, says he is just projecting all the hatred he has for himself onto me. Maybe that's true, but it still sucks.

I wrote his brother a letter but didn't send it. In it, I said almost exactly what you are saying: that I tried to help him and tried to love him. I, like you, would give anything for a sober conversation with him. I want there to be something positive remaining between us. Instead there is nothing except blame and pain.

I can't be around his hatred anymore and am commited to remaining NC. I hope you can do the same. You don't need to watch someone kill himself and you definitely don't need to be blamed for it. You can not save him or get through to him. He is lost to you. Have a conversation with a photo of him, and bury it under a tree somewhere. You would get more closure that way!

Hugs hugs hugs

LookASquirrel

Hi. This is my first post on here. I've been reading for months.

I specifically did a search for blame.

My AXBF just cut off all contact with me a month ago...when I lovingly had a talk with him about my concerns. We've known each other five years and it's been up and down. We're both in our 50s. Altho' we were now "just friends", he was working as a subcontractor in my side business.

He's functioning, but the long-term physical damage is becoming more and more apparent and he's cutting people out of his life who he sees as a threat to his addiction. It took me a while to realize just how far his disease had progressed. Of course, in his opinion, the physical problems aren't the alcohol. He's just a victim of "poor heredity" where his health is concerned.

So he left a voice mail for my best friend. She's a licensed counselor. He left her a message that he didn't want to restart contact (which he cut off without a reason) because I'm "crazy". He said he hopes that I get the help that I need and that he is "just fine" now that he's cut me and my craziness out of his life. She was incensed and refuses to dignify him with a response. She says he's just looking for a professional to say that he's okay and I'm not--and that he won't get that from her!

Now he's contacting my competitors and linking with them on LinkedIn, and offering to work for them. I'm concerned that he's telling them his version of reality, too.

He did me a favor by leaving my life. I just wish that he would totally leave and not continue to inflict damage that I may not even know the extent of.........*sigh*

izzyrose05

Welcome, LookASquirrel

I am pretty new here myself. Searching out support for the terrible sadness and inevitable acceptance of what is. And that's really all we can do. Find acceptance and healing through support and time.

I have to remind myself many many times a day when my thoughts drift to the hurt he is causing that there is NO logic. I have to stop seeking an answer that makes sense. Our minds want so desperately to make sense of something that simply doesn't. It hurts even more that there may be a few people out there that believe the lies and do not understand the extent of the disease but most do know. Most can see it with their own eyes. A life that was full deteriorating back to something isolative, scary, alone and destructive. It is a cycle for my now Ex Alcoholic. Everyone who knows him for any length of time has seen it. He has some enablers. I was one as well.

We know the truth. We must find a way to be at peace with that because it may be all we ever get. We must try to let go and forget and accept what we cannot control. Just do what we can to make every day as good as it can be. This is what I'm doing. It's incredibly difficult. I am sad much of the time but I keep smiling. I went out last night with friends. I will try to go to the beach today with my kids. Stay busy. Stay positive and I have to believe that it will eventually get easier.

Goodluck to you my dear. And Welcome!!

dandylion

izzyrose---that was so beautifully put.

dandylion

LookASquirrel

Thank you, izzyrose. And I know this intellectually--that there is no sense; no logic. I am reminding myself to work on me. I may even decide to dissolve my business and go in an entirely different direction. Who knows? This is my time to allow myself to experience what is really the best me rather than trying to create a minimally functional and unhappy FrankenHolic. Somewhere I lost track of the important things.

May our journeys be enlightening and loving!

Tuffgirl

This is well said.

You do know your truth. It's the only way to beat the blame game. You know your truth, don't lose sight of that.

Also know its inherent to alcoholism that the addiction protects its perimeters. It's not about you. It would be anybody standing in the way of him and his addiction.

This part of it is the hardest to forgive. I still struggle with it, and I am divorced and more than a year of no contact. For the most part, I understand and accept it was simply a defense mechanism. I know I wasn't the things he said about me. But the idea that someone who professes love can be so cruel still baffles me. I may never understand that, and for the most part, I am ok with accepting it even if it makes no sense.

Keep focusing on you, and doing things that make you happy. And never forget you know your truth.

Peace,
~T

Brokentapestry

It's funny, I was coming on here to post about my struggle to reason with someone who is unreasonable! I guess that a lot of us are facing similar hurdles. While I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, I am so grateful to all of you here for sharing your stories.

He blames me for his drinking. He was trying to get sober, I said "no" to something, and so obviously he had to go drink. I'm a b#tech. I'm the problem. I know that I'm not at fault, but it is just so strange to realize that my very level headed, reasonable husband is no longer that way. He is this new unreasonable stranger, and it takes a while to adjust to that. He still looks l like him. But he is a different person.

I have found no contact to be so helpful. I've got the space to properly mourn him. I would recommend the same for you.