New - Husband in recovery for almost 2 months
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
And Married? I have to say, at first I felt I was a victim of HIS behavior. I hadn't done anything wrong! I was the GOOD one in this mess! Dammit, how UNFAIR!
A few months into Alanon, I see much more clearly. As I said above, I didn't cause his addiction, I can't control it and I can't cure it. But I have a whole host of my very own issues that I need to take care of, that I CAN'T blame on him. All that is wrong in my life is NOT his fault (again, dammit, as now I have to accept responsibility for my OWN life....).
Things began to look different to me once I took my fingers out of all the things that WERE NOT mine to deal with (very freeing!) and realized all the OTHER things that WERE mine to deal with (very eye-opening).
There was a wonderful post here in which the poster said there came a moment in her recovery where she suddenly fully understood that she was part of the problem. Amazingly, she felt no shame about being part of the problem but instead felt empowered, b/c if she was part of the problem, and had the power to change herself, then she was part of the solution also, and not dependent on someone else's actions for her happiness.
Hope you can find some use in that somewhere down the road.
A few months into Alanon, I see much more clearly. As I said above, I didn't cause his addiction, I can't control it and I can't cure it. But I have a whole host of my very own issues that I need to take care of, that I CAN'T blame on him. All that is wrong in my life is NOT his fault (again, dammit, as now I have to accept responsibility for my OWN life....).
Things began to look different to me once I took my fingers out of all the things that WERE NOT mine to deal with (very freeing!) and realized all the OTHER things that WERE mine to deal with (very eye-opening).
There was a wonderful post here in which the poster said there came a moment in her recovery where she suddenly fully understood that she was part of the problem. Amazingly, she felt no shame about being part of the problem but instead felt empowered, b/c if she was part of the problem, and had the power to change herself, then she was part of the solution also, and not dependent on someone else's actions for her happiness.
Hope you can find some use in that somewhere down the road.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: GA
Posts: 32
Thanks, Honeypig. I am going to go to a meeting, but finding the time when he's at daily meetings til almost 9:00 and somebody has to watch our child. It's all about him right now. That's why I'm so mad, why should I have to go to these meetings. I didn't do this. I'm trying really hard to make sense of this. Thank you for your advice. I'm trying to get to that place.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
FWIW, neither soda nor gummy bears nor nicotine ever caused anyone to black out, to become violent, to kill anyone behind the wheel.
Many alcoholics crave sugar after quitting drinking. It is physical.
It's less harmful to others than drinking, so you'd be wise to quit stressing over it.
Many alcoholics crave sugar after quitting drinking. It is physical.
It's less harmful to others than drinking, so you'd be wise to quit stressing over it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: GA
Posts: 32
That would be easy if he wasn't spending so much money on all of it. Like I said, we are in a bad place financially because of all of this & it's going to take a while for us to dig out. So, yeah, I'm stressed over it. And I knew that there was a physical craving for sugar, but how long does that last? I know for me, the more sugar I eat, the more I want. But I do agree with you, it's better than alcohol, no question. I wouldn't even care if we had the extra money, but right now, I just want to make sure we have food & I don't consider gummy bears and sodas food.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I get your point, but if it is what he needs right now, I think you would be wise to let it pass without comment.
Just the voice of experience here--pick your battles. This isn't one you NEED to fight.
Just the voice of experience here--pick your battles. This isn't one you NEED to fight.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Yikes, this is all really familiar, down to the missing money and coke and gummy bears.
Eventually for me it all came down to a couple of things. My expectations around my marriage, budgeting, my expectation that he would be gainfully employed and not drunk, were not unreasonable. My longing and desire for a marriage of equal partners who enjoyed each other's company was not unreasonable. My expectation that my walking wounded alcoholic husband would be able to fulfill these expectations was unreasonable.
I struggled for a long time trying to figure out what the hell had gone wrong in our marriage. Never in my life could I have predicted it was alcoholism, and that basically all of our major issues were vodka-soaked. Once I realized this was the case, eight years of unexplainable behavior and stories snapped into clarity and I realized the depth and breadth of the lies. The guy that was always waiting for me after work with a lovely cocktail was doing so to cover up that he'd been drinking ALL DAY. The guy that could never make enough money at his chef job to pay for more than gas and cigarettes was actually hoarding most of his paycheck for himself. The guy that was so depressed, about whom I was always worried, was actually just drunk.
I went through my pregnancy feeling so alone. I worked, he played. He checked himself into a 30 day rehab before I was even back from maternity leave, leaving me to deal with recovering from a BAD c-section by myself. I know he watched my son drunk. I found him trying to care for my infant daughter drunk. Eventually for me, the thing was that no matter how nice he was or how soft-hearted I felt about him -- and I still feel that way -- he had crossed so many lines that staying with him was basically a referendum on whether or not I hated myself. Unacceptable behavior is unacceptable.
I filed for divorce a couple of months ago. Whatever he does with his life now, I wish him well. But my kids and I don't need a front row seat to the circus.
Eventually for me it all came down to a couple of things. My expectations around my marriage, budgeting, my expectation that he would be gainfully employed and not drunk, were not unreasonable. My longing and desire for a marriage of equal partners who enjoyed each other's company was not unreasonable. My expectation that my walking wounded alcoholic husband would be able to fulfill these expectations was unreasonable.
I struggled for a long time trying to figure out what the hell had gone wrong in our marriage. Never in my life could I have predicted it was alcoholism, and that basically all of our major issues were vodka-soaked. Once I realized this was the case, eight years of unexplainable behavior and stories snapped into clarity and I realized the depth and breadth of the lies. The guy that was always waiting for me after work with a lovely cocktail was doing so to cover up that he'd been drinking ALL DAY. The guy that could never make enough money at his chef job to pay for more than gas and cigarettes was actually hoarding most of his paycheck for himself. The guy that was so depressed, about whom I was always worried, was actually just drunk.
I went through my pregnancy feeling so alone. I worked, he played. He checked himself into a 30 day rehab before I was even back from maternity leave, leaving me to deal with recovering from a BAD c-section by myself. I know he watched my son drunk. I found him trying to care for my infant daughter drunk. Eventually for me, the thing was that no matter how nice he was or how soft-hearted I felt about him -- and I still feel that way -- he had crossed so many lines that staying with him was basically a referendum on whether or not I hated myself. Unacceptable behavior is unacceptable.
I filed for divorce a couple of months ago. Whatever he does with his life now, I wish him well. But my kids and I don't need a front row seat to the circus.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: GA
Posts: 32
That sounds familiar with the c-section. He didn't leave me alone while he checked into rehab, but he did pass out on the couch the first night we were home from the hospital & you know how nearly impossible it is to pull yourself up from a sitting position after you've basically been gutted. I can't believe how much I didn't know, when I already knew so much and just rolled with it. Sigh. Oh, and since our daughter was born the day before an Irish drinking holiday, he left me in the hospital alone to go get some "real food" and I found out that he went and had some beers. Nice. Asshat.
It's like I didn't know the extent, but deep down, I think I knew.
It's like I didn't know the extent, but deep down, I think I knew.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 179
My husband told me he was contributing a lot to retirement, that that is where all the money went. I was so naive I believed him and didn't mind sacrifices now b/c I thought we were investing in our future. He also would carry a lot of cash and buy beer all in cash. I relate the cliff crumbling feeling. Al anon makes me feel like I'm on a path forward to recovery not a crumbling cliff.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Just a comment on the PTSD and witnessing the seizure. I experienced the same thing. My husband had one while trying to detox from among other things Benzo's. Had to be rushed to the hospital, and go through a medical detox. Bad memories still. Luckily I got into therapy shortly after, and my therapist did compare the whole event along with his entry into rehab, like a traumatic event. Give yourself some time to process all that is happening. I really feel there are definite emotional stages we go through. If you can get into some therapy for yourself, I would recommend this.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: GA
Posts: 32
Allforcnm, thanks. How long ago was it? My husband came home from
His meeting last night & told me that his sponser's wife was there and asked how i was doing & he told her that I was great. Lol. Ummm, no. Far from it. But my daughter was jn the room & i couldn't say otherwise. He and I haven't even really talked about it yet. It's like I can't even bring myself to talk to him. I can talk to my friends and family about it, but not him. I really need to just find the time and go see a counselor and go to al anon, I know that. But just venting in here has helped me in the past couple of days. Thanks so much
His meeting last night & told me that his sponser's wife was there and asked how i was doing & he told her that I was great. Lol. Ummm, no. Far from it. But my daughter was jn the room & i couldn't say otherwise. He and I haven't even really talked about it yet. It's like I can't even bring myself to talk to him. I can talk to my friends and family about it, but not him. I really need to just find the time and go see a counselor and go to al anon, I know that. But just venting in here has helped me in the past couple of days. Thanks so much
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 170
MarriedADrunk, welcome to the boards. There are so many wonderful people here to support you. I agree with the others that you don't have to make any big decisions right away. Just take care of yourself, go to Al-Anon meetings and post here. My AH is also spending us into bankruptcy so I understand how very stressful it is to see all that money disappear. You also might want to find a therapist to speak with. Just take one moment at a time right now and take care of yourself.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You might want to give his sponsor's wife a call--she may be in Al-Anon. I think it's nice that she thought to ask him how you are doing. She understands, I'm betting, that this is a rough time for you--not that she necessarily knows the details. It's a pretty good bet that any married newcomer to AA has a spouse who's going through some rough times.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: GA
Posts: 32
She does go to al anon. There is a meeting at the same
Time as his meetings & that was when he first met her. The problem is that we don't have anybody to watch our daughter if we go at the same time. She actually gave me a book that she had just bought for herself. I need to meet her and thank her, but it's like there's no time for me, it's all about him. And that's why I think it's so crazy that he thinks I'm ok. I'm SO NOT ok. I'm just happy that I'm finally getting the chance to get back in the gym. Thanks so much to everybody that has responded to me. It means a lot.
Time as his meetings & that was when he first met her. The problem is that we don't have anybody to watch our daughter if we go at the same time. She actually gave me a book that she had just bought for herself. I need to meet her and thank her, but it's like there's no time for me, it's all about him. And that's why I think it's so crazy that he thinks I'm ok. I'm SO NOT ok. I'm just happy that I'm finally getting the chance to get back in the gym. Thanks so much to everybody that has responded to me. It means a lot.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'd call her and thank her, anyway, and talk to her on the phone. She may know of meetings where there is childcare. How old is your daughter? Some people bring their kids to meetings with them--depending on the age, and how disruptive they are. Many groups don't mind as long as the kids are quiet and well-behaved. Again, she may be able to tell you about that.
And even without meetings, you can talk recovery on the phone with her. Maybe you can get together for coffee or something. She might have some other phone numbers for other people in Al-Anon you can talk to, as well.
You NEED your own recovery--just as your husband needs his. Maybe you can eventually work out a schedule where you can make a meeting at least once a week or every other week. There are usually more AA meetings than Al-Anon meetings, so usually the alcoholic's schedule is a bit more flexible. Most people want/need to make their home group meetings without fail, but other meetings can be skipped occasionally.
When you talk to your husband about how you are feeling, I would suggest bringing that up--how can you get to at least one meeting every week or two?
And even without meetings, you can talk recovery on the phone with her. Maybe you can get together for coffee or something. She might have some other phone numbers for other people in Al-Anon you can talk to, as well.
You NEED your own recovery--just as your husband needs his. Maybe you can eventually work out a schedule where you can make a meeting at least once a week or every other week. There are usually more AA meetings than Al-Anon meetings, so usually the alcoholic's schedule is a bit more flexible. Most people want/need to make their home group meetings without fail, but other meetings can be skipped occasionally.
When you talk to your husband about how you are feeling, I would suggest bringing that up--how can you get to at least one meeting every week or two?
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Originally Posted by marriedadrunk 
Allforcnm, thanks. How long ago was it? My husband came home from
His meeting last night & told me that his sponser's wife was there and asked how i was doing & he told her that I was great. Lol. Ummm, no. Far from it. But my daughter was jn the room & i couldn't say otherwise. He and I haven't even really talked about it yet. It's like I can't even bring myself to talk to him. I can talk to my friends and family about it, but not him. I really need to just find the time and go see a counselor and go to al anon, I know that. But just venting in here has helped me in the past couple of days. Thanks so much
His meeting last night & told me that his sponser's wife was there and asked how i was doing & he told her that I was great. Lol. Ummm, no. Far from it. But my daughter was jn the room & i couldn't say otherwise. He and I haven't even really talked about it yet. It's like I can't even bring myself to talk to him. I can talk to my friends and family about it, but not him. I really need to just find the time and go see a counselor and go to al anon, I know that. But just venting in here has helped me in the past couple of days. Thanks so much
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: GA
Posts: 32
Originally Posted by allforcnm
It was about 14 months ago now. The memory is not as sharp and vivid, but I think it will always be with me. The therapy helped me to talk about the feelings I had, and the fears that were behind them. I didn't use al-anon or anything, just therapy. My husband and I did marriage counseling also, started that through his rehab & it was helpful for both of us. I was able to talk about that day with him, and he was able to grasp how it affected me. And my parents were there also when it happened so we all talked about it together. So it was good to get it all out, but it is ok if your not ready. He may not be ready either. We all must go at our own pace. As long as we keep moving forward, then light appears at the other side. And keep venting and getting the emotions out . Its a positive thing !
My memory of the event wakes me up at night and invades my mind during the day.. It's getting fewer & far between during the day, but I always wakes me up at night. Maybe because it happened when we were sleeping? Thank God I did wake up when it happened. There have been sometimes where the memorycauses fear in me, but that's getting fewer & far between. It's like I think that I getting it out of my head, then it just comes right back. I am going to make an appointment with a counselor this week. I need something one on one, I think. For that, anyway. And we for sure need marriage counseling. I was getting ready to ask him to do that with me, even before all of this happened. But it's almost like the last 2 months I've been paralyzed to do anything. My goal for this week will be to make that first appointment.
Thanks for your help.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
OMG, Flo. Living This.
Eventually for me it all came down to a couple of things. My expectations around my marriage, budgeting, my expectation that he would be gainfully employed and not drunk, were not unreasonable. My longing and desire for a marriage of equal partners who enjoyed each other's company was not unreasonable. Yeah. That.
Sadly, yeah, that, too.
Yeah, swap out Addiction of The Day with a dose of Mental Illness on the Side, and Yeah all that, too.
At least no C-Section on the Guy Side of things.
My version is a three week vacation for me and the kids. On the road to DC, now.
It is the vacation we cancelled so she could go to rehab before Christmas.
Mrs. Hammer's "job" is now Too Important to come along. Yeah. Whatever.
As our daughter says -- "Three Weeks! No Crazy! Yeaaa!"
We are reading the 12 and 12 together on the trip.
Originally Posted by Florence
Eventually for me it all came down to a couple of things. My expectations around my marriage, budgeting, my expectation that he would be gainfully employed and not drunk, were not unreasonable. My longing and desire for a marriage of equal partners who enjoyed each other's company was not unreasonable.
My expectation that my walking wounded alcoholic husband would be able to fulfill these expectations was unreasonable.
I struggled for a long time trying to figure out what the hell had gone wrong in our marriage. Never in my life could I have predicted it was alcoholism, and that basically all of our major issues were vodka-soaked. Once I realized this was the case, eight years of unexplainable behavior and stories snapped into clarity and I realized the depth and breadth of the lies. The guy that was always waiting for me after work with a lovely cocktail was doing so to cover up that he'd been drinking ALL DAY. The guy that could never make enough money at his chef job to pay for more than gas and cigarettes was actually hoarding most of his paycheck for himself. The guy that was so depressed, about whom I was always worried, was actually just drunk.
At least no C-Section on the Guy Side of things.
I filed for divorce a couple of months ago. Whatever he does with his life now, I wish him well. But my kids and I don't need a front row seat to the circus.
It is the vacation we cancelled so she could go to rehab before Christmas.
Mrs. Hammer's "job" is now Too Important to come along. Yeah. Whatever.
As our daughter says -- "Three Weeks! No Crazy! Yeaaa!"
We are reading the 12 and 12 together on the trip.
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