I daydream about leaving my ABF
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 57
I daydream about leaving my ABF
Hello Everybody, I am going to my first al anon meeting after work today. I'm very excited and can't think about much else today. Last couple of months, I've been thinking about life without my ABF and started making a list of what I would leave at MY house. Yeah, I have a feeling he won't leave if it comes down to me kicking him out. I hope you all don't think I'm crazy for considering leaving my own house, but when we got back together 2 yrs ago, he said he wasn't going anywhere. I believe him cuz his ex wife left their home. At this point I don't care cuz the bank won't let me refi anyway ( bought in 05-ouch). I'm getting tired and am just wondering.. If any of you had to move quickly like while the A was gone, how did you do it?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
So is this guy on the mortgage with you?
It would be a cold day in hell that I would walk away from my home, because some alkie was ruling the roost. I can see looking for a temporary place to live until I got him out of MY home, but the bottom line if you are the sole owner, you are the sole responsible party.
And if I am responsible party, I am going to live in my home.
I would start the eviction process.
I hope you are not thinking he will stay in the house and make the payments?
As far as dreaming about a life free of addiction, keep putting one foot in front of the other, and it will happen.
I just hate to see people throw themselves under a bus because of someone else's problem's. Protect yourself and your financial matters first.
It would be a cold day in hell that I would walk away from my home, because some alkie was ruling the roost. I can see looking for a temporary place to live until I got him out of MY home, but the bottom line if you are the sole owner, you are the sole responsible party.
And if I am responsible party, I am going to live in my home.
I would start the eviction process.
I hope you are not thinking he will stay in the house and make the payments?
As far as dreaming about a life free of addiction, keep putting one foot in front of the other, and it will happen.
I just hate to see people throw themselves under a bus because of someone else's problem's. Protect yourself and your financial matters first.
A simple guy making his way
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Maine
Posts: 7,867
Typically being an alcoholic alone is not something to run for the hills and abandon the house. Abuseive alcoholics are. You never said it but your words indicate domestic violence.
If you are doing this much prep work take the time to call a domestic abuse hotline to get resources to leave. People want to help.
If I am wrong and he is docile then do what you need to but really think about the short term gain is over the long term misery of abondoning the house. It will follow up a long time. He may not.
If you are doing this much prep work take the time to call a domestic abuse hotline to get resources to leave. People want to help.
If I am wrong and he is docile then do what you need to but really think about the short term gain is over the long term misery of abondoning the house. It will follow up a long time. He may not.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 57
He's never been violent, but when I broke up with him in the past, he had his own place. I just don't want to have to scramble around in case he does act a fool. This is why I'm going to al anon today, because my mind goes in too many directions. All I know is that I can't take much more of his selfishness and sneaky drinking.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 453
I have to agree with Marie on this...it is your house, not his so he should be leaving.
You asked what people did...I did not leave my house, but did kick my husband out...about four months after I started thinking about it. I planned. A lot. I spoke with a few select people within my support system and my counselor at length about this. We are married & all our finances are joint, so I set up a separate bank account. He paid the bills so I had to go back and track our finances to figure out where I may have to cut, etc. I did a consultation with an attorney. I carried a notebook around with me for months and planned everything - priority 1 was to secure the house (my RAH has never been physically abusive so I was not concerned so much about personal safety), priority 2 was to secure the finances.
Breathe, take time, think about what your end goal is and then plan the steps to get there. A saying at Al-Anon and here that has helped me a lot is "don't just do something, stand there". It reminds me to know what I am doing and why I am doing it. It also reminds me when I am not ready to do something, I don't have to do it. You should keep your home, but you should also be able to have a home that is peaceful & serene. Should you decide home should be elsewhere later on, that is all good & fine, but I do not recommend leaving a mortgage in your name in the hands of an A.
You asked what people did...I did not leave my house, but did kick my husband out...about four months after I started thinking about it. I planned. A lot. I spoke with a few select people within my support system and my counselor at length about this. We are married & all our finances are joint, so I set up a separate bank account. He paid the bills so I had to go back and track our finances to figure out where I may have to cut, etc. I did a consultation with an attorney. I carried a notebook around with me for months and planned everything - priority 1 was to secure the house (my RAH has never been physically abusive so I was not concerned so much about personal safety), priority 2 was to secure the finances.
Breathe, take time, think about what your end goal is and then plan the steps to get there. A saying at Al-Anon and here that has helped me a lot is "don't just do something, stand there". It reminds me to know what I am doing and why I am doing it. It also reminds me when I am not ready to do something, I don't have to do it. You should keep your home, but you should also be able to have a home that is peaceful & serene. Should you decide home should be elsewhere later on, that is all good & fine, but I do not recommend leaving a mortgage in your name in the hands of an A.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
AlAnon is an excellent idea. If you are not in danger, give yourself time to make a decision.
Think about life in your home alone.
Try that on for size, instead of the other way.
If it is your house alone (only you on the mortgage) I am with Marie. I would not let some drunk run me out of my house.
(and I am a drunk!
)
Beth
Think about life in your home alone.
Try that on for size, instead of the other way.
If it is your house alone (only you on the mortgage) I am with Marie. I would not let some drunk run me out of my house.
(and I am a drunk!
)Beth
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
It's much easier to change some door locks and pile his stuff outside than it is to get your stuff together and split while he is at work...
However, to answer your question: I wasn't leaving an A, just a relationship ruined by constant fighting. Probably about the same difference lol.
I wanted out while he wasn't there just to avoid one more battle... So, I called my 3 best girl friends, we planned a day, I took it off work and so did they. Acted like nothing was wrong that am, got in my car to "drive to work." Grabbed a coffee and some boxes I had stashed at a friends, and the girls and I circled back and got at it.
I was out, and the key was on the counter by the time he got home from work that day. Peace out, d-bag.
YOU CAN DO IT!
However, to answer your question: I wasn't leaving an A, just a relationship ruined by constant fighting. Probably about the same difference lol.
I wanted out while he wasn't there just to avoid one more battle... So, I called my 3 best girl friends, we planned a day, I took it off work and so did they. Acted like nothing was wrong that am, got in my car to "drive to work." Grabbed a coffee and some boxes I had stashed at a friends, and the girls and I circled back and got at it.
I was out, and the key was on the counter by the time he got home from work that day. Peace out, d-bag.
YOU CAN DO IT!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
When you kick his butt out, you can live a life free of addiction, free of drama, free of nonsense, free of chaos.
Seems we get caught up in so much of their crap we actually forget what a normal peaceful life is.
You can reclaim your life.
The way I see it, you are one step ahead of the game YOU have a home, HE doesn't.
Seems we get caught up in so much of their crap we actually forget what a normal peaceful life is.
You can reclaim your life.
The way I see it, you are one step ahead of the game YOU have a home, HE doesn't.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You will need to be prepared for the "oh, but I don't have anyplace to GO..."
When I kicked out the last guy I was living with (he was not an alcoholic, but had other issues--I was the one who left the alcoholics I was married to), my response to that was, "not my problem." To be fair, I had told him I wanted to split up and that he needed to find a new place to live. One day I found out he had been lying to me about something for a long time, and I snapped and kicked him out that day. I took the day off from work to make sure he did it.
The thing is, if the house burned down he would find a place to stay. It's easy for that excuse to drag out a breakup indefinitely. If you are feeling VERY generous, you could give him a couple hundred dollars for a few nights' stay in a motel. And you should also check the eviction statutes in your jurisdiction--some places you actually have to go through a formal eviction process if he refuses to leave.
When I kicked out the last guy I was living with (he was not an alcoholic, but had other issues--I was the one who left the alcoholics I was married to), my response to that was, "not my problem." To be fair, I had told him I wanted to split up and that he needed to find a new place to live. One day I found out he had been lying to me about something for a long time, and I snapped and kicked him out that day. I took the day off from work to make sure he did it.
The thing is, if the house burned down he would find a place to stay. It's easy for that excuse to drag out a breakup indefinitely. If you are feeling VERY generous, you could give him a couple hundred dollars for a few nights' stay in a motel. And you should also check the eviction statutes in your jurisdiction--some places you actually have to go through a formal eviction process if he refuses to leave.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Dublin, Ireland
Posts: 29
Hi, I agree with the advice of others here that you should get him to leave your home. No easy task I know but trying to fund new accommodation while worrying about payments on your home will be very tough. I had to kick my exabf out 6 months ago.. it was tough! I woke him up from a drunken state, opened the windows and curtains told him to pack his stuff and leave. Then I left the house for 3 hours. I contacted his parents and one of his friends to let them know, they were all aware of the problems and how I wasn't coping with the situation anymore. When I came back he had his bags packed, argued with me so I called 2 of my friends and my brother who arrived immediately and my exabf left. Don't get me wrong, I was a shaking and crying mess... still am some days but I am glad I went through it because I still have my home now.
Everybody's situation is different but you can do it, get lots of support around you, pack his bags if you have to or do what I did. But you have to do it in order to keep some form of normality in your own life. Good luck sweetie, keep strong x
Everybody's situation is different but you can do it, get lots of support around you, pack his bags if you have to or do what I did. But you have to do it in order to keep some form of normality in your own life. Good luck sweetie, keep strong x
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