Hope

Old 06-20-2013, 08:51 AM
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In another thread, someone mentioned hope as something that prevents them from moving on. Instead of hijack that thread, I thought I'd start a new one.

I was very stuck on hope as well. I hoped my exa would stop drinking so he and I could live happily ever after. I have realized through reading on SR how unrealistic that hope actually was. It was not a simple hope like hoping I'd find a lost ring or necklace. It was hoping I'd find something that never existed in the first place. It was like hoping that when I found the silver ring I lost, it had turned to gold. I think I finally get that it just isn't going to happen.

Like all alcoholics there were two sides to my ex: the ideal man I fell in love with, and the mean abusive drunk. I've learned on SR that even if exa gets sober, he won't become his better alcoholic half, he will become someone else entirely. The ideal man was only half of a whole mess. He had the luxury of being able to act like a hero during the day because at night he could go home and hide from everything in the bottle.. He acted ideally because he was mirroring the person he knew I wanted him to be. He was not real.

I don't think my ex will ever get sober, but if he does, would I want a man who has twenty plus years of emotional maturity to catch up on, and a likely untreatable personality disorder? Do I want MY life to revolve around HIS battle with alcohol and probable relapses? No.

I'm starting to see that hoping anyone will be anything they are not is very unhealthy for me. I am not sure that hoping an alcoholic will change is any different than refusing to accept them for who they are, and/or refusing to accept the situation for what it is. I used hope as an excuse to not work on myself for a long time and felt justified in doing so because hope has such positive connotations.

Hope should never be an excuse not to act. If the boat has sprung a leak, she better start bailing out water or she is going to sink. She can hope she won't sink while she is working to get the water out of the boat but she better not just sit there doing nothing but hoping. I need to work more actively on my recovery. Right now I'm just hoping life will be kind to me. I'm not sinking anymore but my boat has about an inch of water in the bottom and I've done a crappy patch job on the hole.
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Old 06-20-2013, 09:20 AM
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Thanks for posting this. Hope is often another name for denial and rationalization, characteristics shared by both the alcoholic and codependent. You've obviously learned a great deal and I appreciate your balanced approached. You pointed out something important -- getting sober doesn't turn a drunk into a prince. There's a saying I've heard in the rooms of AA: if you take the alcohol away from a drunken horse thief you have a horse thief. Addiction is a mental illness and some people do turn their lives around after a lot of hard work. It takes honesty and willingness to go to any lengths to stay sober and change the way we think.

Again, thanks!
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Old 06-20-2013, 09:41 AM
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Very well said, dreams!!

The ideal man was only half of a whole mess. He had the luxury of being able to act like a hero during the day because at night he could go home and hide from everything in the bottle.. He acted ideally because he was mirroring the person he knew I wanted him to be. He was not real.
This is especially poignant to me. I had to come to the same painful realization about my marriage. For a long time, I felt conned. He was such a chameleon; becoming whatever the closest person to him at the moment wanted him to be. In reality, he was an angry, resentful, entitled drunk who had a whole lot of growing up to do. And I became his #1 target for those negative emotions.

Letting go of a warped sense of hope was hard. It doesn't mean we stop "hoping", it means what you describe...we stop letting "hope" equal inaction.

We've talked here often of these addiction-fueled relationships as being the hardest to let go of. For me - a lot of it was tied up in the hoping and wishing he would be the guy I thought he was.

Acceptance is realizing he is the guy he is. He is not the guy for me. And that's ok. And I wasn't doing any favors to him, wishing and hoping he'd change!

Putting "hope" in a more realistic perspective allows us to let go of the fantasy and create our own reality, whatever it may look like.
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Old 06-20-2013, 09:59 AM
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Thank you for that description Dreamsofserenity. I hung on to the false sense of "hope" for years. It took me a long time to realize the same thing. I held on to hope for so long that my ADH would stop drinking and magically everything would be perfect and we would live happily ever after. When in reality my ADH has multiple underlying issues (mental illness, immaturity, low self esteem etc) he is not willing to tackle or even address. He refuses to seek help for his alcoholism. He will most likely NEVER get sober and NEVER be that person I need him to be. I held on far too long thinking it was best for the kids but now realize it's not. I recently made the decision that I need to cut my losses and leave. He will never change. If by the grace of God he does then good for him but even then he will not be the one for me. I see that so clearly now thanks to this board and Alanon. It was like looking through a cloudy glass that is now crystal clear.
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Old 06-20-2013, 03:15 PM
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Thanks for all the wonderful comments. It is so nice to know there are people out there who understand how I feel, and in some cases EXACTLY how I feel.

I'm starting to believe that recovery from alcoholism and codependency is almost impossible without the help of people who have already recovered. I seriously don't think I ever would have come to the realizations I have without reading as much as I have on SR.

NYCDoglvr, Yes! Hope IS another name for denial and rationalization. I only just realized this, and it was like a lightbulb going on inside my head.

Tuffgirl, My ex was also an angry and resentful drunk, and I was also the #1 target of his negativity. The role of perfect person they play while sober is probably to make up for their crappy behavior while drunk. They want us to believe they would be ideal men without their drinking just as much as we want to believe it.

Unsureoffuture, When they have underlying mental illness they refuse to address, I agree that their chances of recovery are very low.They can't deal with the mental illness until they are sober, but the mental illness is driving the drinking. The more I've learned about alcoholism, the more I believe there is something deeper wrong with my ex.

This is totally OT but can anyone help me figure out how to include quotes in my replies with the little blue boxes? What is wrong with me that I can not figure this out?? 99% of the time I post on SR by iphone. Today though, I sat down at the computer to do it hoping I could figure the blue box thingee out. I went on FAQ's and couldn't find anything. I've been on SR for six months and still can't do this. It's embarrassing! Uggh.
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Old 06-20-2013, 03:20 PM
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I decided that hope is like a nice little trinket. It has it's place, up on a shelf. Once in a while it's good to take it down, dust it off, and admire it for a bit. But then you put it back and get on with living your life.

L
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Old 06-20-2013, 03:22 PM
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Dreams:

Enclose the part you want to quote with [ QUOTE ] in front and [ /QUOTE ] at the end. Leave out the spaces, which I added so it wouldn't make my words into a quote. Alternatively, you can click the quote button in the lower right and it will quote the whole post. Then you can just delete the part you don't want to quote.

L
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Old 06-20-2013, 03:34 PM
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Originally Posted by Tuffgirl View Post
Letting go of a warped sense of hope was hard. It doesn't mean we stop "hoping", it means what you describe...we stop letting "hope" equal inaction.
I really like this. A friend of mine described the struggle that she is in with her A. He keeps making bad choices. And her choice keeps being to wait and hope for him to make better choices. She feels trapped by her own inaction. I recognize this feeling so much.

Hugs to you!
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Old 06-20-2013, 04:51 PM
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa View Post
I decided that hope is like a nice little trinket. It has it's place, up on a shelf. Once in a while it's good to take it down, dust it off, and admire it for a bit. But then you put it back and get on with living your life.

L

I love this!!
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Old 06-20-2013, 04:51 PM
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And thanks for the tech support!!!!
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