PeaceInYoga

I am going to start with a situation that happened just this past holiday season, which also happens to my birthday week. The week didn't start off so great, my best friend's father died, a man I was very close to and admired, my boyfriend's mom was diagnosed with a terminal illness and I had a lot of other things going on in my career, which is a highly competitive field and also very demanding of me. Well, I decided to take my birthday/christmas week and spend it with my parents, I thought I could really use some "me" time and not have to be the 33 year old adult with responsibilites for awhile and just relax.

Well, Friday morning (my bday) I drop my BF off at the airport, drive through a snow storm (a normal one hour drive turned into four) and finally arrive at my parents' house...my dad sees that I am upset from my friend's dad's death and he tells me, "Get over it. It happens." OK...I get that and blow it off because my dad has never been one for sympathy or empathy of any sort. And I, being the oldest and strongest was never supposed to cry...that is a sign of weakness. So I take his comment in stride and proceed to the wake...some bday. Next morning we had the actual service, following the service, my mom and I decided to go walk around the mall for awhile and just decompress from all of the stress of the last two days. As we are pulling into the driveway, around 6 pm, there he is...standing in the garage with "that look." That look that you know he has been drinking and this isn't a good thing. Dad was never the jovial drunk. Mom looks at me and says, "Uh oh, looks like he's been drinking." Let's be honest, when isn't he drinking, the statement should have been "He's clearly been drinking all day and he's drunk."

My mom and I say our hello's but quickly walk into the house, he follows. He wants to go to dinner for my bday, says let's take grandma...I say sure sounds fun. But all the while, I have that same sick pit in my stomach that says, this night will not turn out well, that was putting it mildly. As the three of us were walking outside the nasty comments/swearing for no reason started and he walked directly to his keg to fill up his glass BEFORE getting into the car. My mom and I both asked him to PLEASE not drink anymore as we can tell he had been drinking all day...he takes one look at me and laughs and continues to fill up his glass. Mom screams she is not going, I always being the peace maker, get into the car and say, "let's just go and I will drive. But please no open containers." He would abide...and now he is PISSED. He stood in the garage, screaming at my mother, not even me (I am currently in my car watching and listening in absolute amazement at what is happening). He is standing there calling me a no good bitch, no one wants me around, I think I am too good, etc. Mom trying to calm him down as she has done for 34 years asked that I get out of the car and talk to him...not wanting to see my mom upset, I get out. What a mistake...he went nuts. He was in my face screaming at me and threatening physical abuse. He told me I was a "c" word and the list goes on and on.

I have had it...shaking and crying, I walked into the house, grabbed my luggage and my little dog (who is also shaking)...and here come the parents. Mom is screaming, "Please don't leave and ruin my christmas." And dad is just screaming profanity after profanity and telling me he his going to break my dog's neck, etc. I get into my car and drove myself to the nearest/safest parking lot and just lost it. I was immediately taken back to the years when he had that kind of explosive behavior except it was always directed towards my mom and I was always jumping in the middle, physically, to try and stop him from anymore harm.

I called my sister and her first words to me were, "Please go back and make sure mom is Ok. He's probably beating her." This isn't important now, but will be. I had already been in therapy because of abusive relationships...so I knew I had to take care of myself first and I drove myself back to MY house where I felt safe. If mom was getting beat, she chose that life, not me and I cannot "help" her anymore, she has to want it.

Long story short, he called just two hours later and says he was blacked out and didn't remember a thing...well I do. I don't easily "forgive and forget" especially with someone who has portrayed this type of negative, aggressive behavior my entire life. He was never the dad you wanted to run up to and give a big hug...when I was little I used to pray to God that he would get into a car accident and die or that he would get a DUI and be put in jail, anything so that he wouldn't come home and start fighting with my mom and then I would have to referee. I had countless nights that I would get maybe four hours of sleep before going to school, through all 12 years and even into college. Mom always just acted like nothing ever happened.

I let it go...got through the holidays. Now it's January and my grandfather gets sick. I live out of town, have a demanding career (love it) and have a life. Now, do not get me wrong, I love my grandfather more than anything, I was the "apple of his eye" and I could never do anything wrong in his eyes. He never liked my dad, in fact, barely spoke to him and I believe it's because he saw him for what he really is. The day my grandfather died, I walked into my grandma's house and not one person talked to me, including my mom. Things between the two of us since the night of his attack, never went back to normal. I was always my mom's best friend and always protecting her, well now I was beginning to protect myself. I went to hug her and she literally pulled away...after just a few hours there I went back to my house. And that was it.

Fast forward to this past May...my BF and I were going on a trip. My mom and I talked about some issues she had with me back in March (her normal calls these days, "I have some issues with you....") and I just sit there, listen and let her say whatever it is she has to say. Keep in mind this is a small detail I left out...I am a skinny person, always have been, but for some reason my family isn't happy about that. I work out and eat well and try to live a very healthy lifestyle. They however, do not. They smoke, drink and do zero exercise. And because, I do all of these things, I must be "too good" and my mom says things to me like, "You're so skinny no one thinks you're attractive anymore, You are just so gross, You have no shape, You're anorexic," the list could go on for days.

Anyway, back to the trip, I went to pick up my dog who was at my parents for the weekend. I was there for literally four minutes before my dad exploded again, this time over my weight. Asking me how much I weigh...they ask me this EVERY TIME they see me. Trust me, I was gross looking back in Jan, Feb, March because of all of the stress from them! Now in May I've finally gained 20lbs back and feeling great and healthy...I had been away from them. So I try to explain this and then think WHY? If it's not my weight, it's going to be about the way I raise my dog, the way I talk like I'm too good...something, anything for them to pick at me and start a fight. Well, I wasn't fighting, I grabbed my little dog said thank you and walked out...as I am walking out I hear my mom tell him that was inappropriate and he yells that he doesn't give a F(@*. So I got into my car, drove away and decided that was it. I would not be subject to his abuse and his bullying any longer. I do not have to take this crap.

Fast forward three weeks and there it is the phone call from mom...keep in mind we talked daily sometimes up to three times a day before his outrage in
December. At first the conversation was pleasant, then it became "You didn't come see me enough after grandpa died, you don't call your grandma enough, you don't see your sister enough, you have friends who you don't see anymore, you posted pics on FB with your BF's mom...where's mine?? HAHAHA. Are you kidding...not, "hey honey, saw your pics from your vacation, looked beautiful, how was it?" It was about how MY pics offended HER. It was then that it all clicked...she is just as sick as he is. I think she has finally come to the point of, "Can't beat 'em, join 'em." She then proceeded to tell me, "You HAVE to talk to your dad and work this out." I told her, I will...someday, when I am ready. Her phone call was followed up with one from my father that said, "You and I are going to have a day of reckoning really soon."

Since then, I have decided to completely cut off contact with both of my parents...I cannot have contact with my mom, who is now verbally abusing me, continue to defend him and pretend like nothing ever happened. If that's how she wants to conduct her life...that's fine, but I will not.

I am struggling here with the guilt, but I know that it is for the best. My sister is pregnant and getting ready to have the first baby of our family and I don't even feel as if I can be a part of it. My sister is whole story within herself (recovering alcoholic and heroin user)...like to party with dad while growing up, that was their form of "bonding." Healthy uh?

I did not go to her baby shower out of fear that my dad would be there...after they heard the news I wouldn't be there the phone calls started. I was getting calls from friends, aunts, cousins, etc. And sure enough, good old dad showed up. But see, he and my sister are now BFFs and she doesn't "remember" anything that happened from our childhood and that I am being ridiculous and I should be ashamed for callling him an abusive alcoholic and that I should be ashamed for the way I am treating our mom.

I can literally do nothing right for my family and now, everything is starting to click. I always felt like I was never "good enough" for any guy I ever dated, let them treat me like **** and it's because that is how my own family treats me! Now, I am with someone who does NOT fight...in three years he has never called me one name and there have been many times when I almost effed that all up because of the way I fight. I fight like "they" do and I don't like it. So for the past six months with the help of a therapist, many books and my significant other I am working on changing myself and will not tolerate their sick, toxic behaviors anymore. I told my sister, if she wants a relationship with me we will have to do it without my parents being involved. They always have to be in control and are still in the mindset of "We are the parents and you will do as we say." My sister spends almost every weekend with them and talks to them both daily and it's hard and very sad for me.

They think I am doing this as some sort of punishment to them, but I am really taking care of myself.

Sorry for such a long post...I am new here and tried to get as much of my story out there as possible. I guess it's nice to see that I am not crazy and there are other's out there. My mom thinks just because he didn't hit us...that makes everything else OK and I am being overreactive.

soberlicious

No, you are not crazy. Good for you for breaking the cycle and learning new ways to communicate.

PeaceInYoga

Saddest part...it has been over three weeks and this sick man just saw one of my friends at a bar (imagine that) and is bragging about his threatening vm. What kind of sick man brags about wanting to cause physical harm to his own daughter. I am trying not to be sad, but it makes me so sick to think he is blaming me for this. And saying it's inappropriate the way I talked to my mom. UGH. UGH. UGH.

Florence

My relationship with my parents is a balancing act. I only started having a good relationship with my sisters when I did it outside of my parents vicinity.

Hi and welcome also.

PeaceInYoga

I am at a point that I will only have any type of contact with that man in the presence of a therapist. If there is any chance that he will be anywhere I could possibly be, I will not go. I refuse to continue to put myself in those situations. I am not reliant on them for any type of support...financial or emotional.

PeaceInYoga

I am now realizing when my therapist told me three years ago that healing is hard and this is going to be a struggle. The truth is very ugly, it's hard to accept that, that was my life. But not anymore. I am not going to lay awake in bed at night and wait to hear that car coming down the street and get that instant sick feeling in my stomach. I am finally learning to let go of all of the clutter and negativity.

ZenMe

The beauty about being an adult is you get to make your own decisions and not have to put up with or do anything you don't want to do. I hate going home. My dad isn't an alcoholic but has crazy anger issues. When in lived with them, At home (not in public of course) if the soup is too cold or too hot he goes on a 3 hour tirade yelling and degrading my mom and me. As I've gotten older I can shut him down because I stand up to him but doesn't stop him from throwing a chair against the wall.

So I seldomly visit and they wonder why...at some point you grow up, accept the fact they won't change and realize putting yourself in a bad situation is all on you, not them. Sounds like you are fed up and a really strong girl. Way to go sticking up for you. Dont let them reel you back in to their Bs. My dad once threatened my dog, got bit and cried like a baby. Haha

LexieCat

Welcome, Peace, and so glad you are working on building a peaceful life for yourself.

The therapy sounds great, and you might also want to consider Al-Anon, as well. I think it is very smart for you to take a good long break from your parents.

Hugs,

unsureoffuture

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now with your family. Have you tried Alanon yet? You could greatly benefit from the support. You are an adult child of an alcoholic, you have a sister with substance abuse issues, a mother who is co-dependant. It sounds,like you are taking very positive steps to free yourself from the drama. Remember you cant control anyone else's behavior and you cant make them be rational people. Detach and work on yourself. No one should ever threaten you or your dog. That is just unacceptable an is a form of domestic violence. Perhaps you could find another person to watch your dog when you are out of town. You may want to contact a local Domestic violence program in your area for resources and support. It may be a handy thing to have for you, your sister and your mom if she ever decides she is ready to change. I'm sorry you had a bad birthday/holiday. You should maybe take another week and have a "re-do". Grab some friends, celebrate do something positive for yourself. You deserve it.

Florence

Dealing with my AH also helped me learn new ways to deal with my dysfunctional family of origin. Therapy was important for me to finally figure out how to draw circles around what was my responsibility and what was my mom's, my sister's, my AH's, my dad's, etc. This came in very useful once I internalized the Al-Anon practices and principles, because this information helped me process some of their crazy in a different, detached, and yet more empathetic way, and helped me develop personal boundaries and other methods of dealing with their crazy that was far less detrimental to me. I have *some* relationship with all of these people and I get some pleasure (and some headaches still) out of all of it, but mostly because I've changed how I relate to them, and not vice versa.

PeaceInYoga

I would say for the past six months I have taken a real "personal inventory" if you will, on my role. Without question, I played a role, at times maybe a large role. And through this process with my family, just in the last two weeks, I have become stronger and I can see how it is effecting my other relationships and setting healthy boundaries within those relationships.