FireSprite

Here is my FAVORITE RAH moment - at about a year-ish into sobriety, I was still trying to hammer home exactly what I meant when I called him selfish.... he doesn't see the small stuff, just the large strokes which show that he loves us & cares for us so how can anything that he does be selfish?? (insert big fat eyeroll)

RAH is headed to the linen closet to get toothpaste/deodorant/whatever.. our Master Bath doesn't have storage so he's grabbing what he needs & heading right back there.

I call out, "Hey grab 3 rolls of TP for the Master Bath while you're in there? There's none in there."

Him, "Oh, I don't need any."

Me: : (seriously at a loss for words & not willing to start an argument over TOILET PAPER)

Him: "OH!!!"

Me (to myself): THIS IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!!!

wicked

FireSprite,

My recovery was about living life as life is, including all responsibilities of running a household with very little money and raising two children.

Are you saying he used his "recovery" for two years to avoid responsibilities of a grown married man?
Why was this expected and allowed?

I could only go to meetings in my trailer park (thank god) because I could not afford a car. They were women only and one woman watched the children while we had the meeting. We rotated that. I do not understand really how a man can use recovery as an escape from reality when recovery is all about reality and dealing with life on life's terms. Not when he feels "recovered", but during recovery, which is a life long process.

Sorry for the off topic rant.

I have been in a mood today.
I am going to exercise and feel better.

Thank you for reading and thank you kkelly for being here!


Beth

(the moody one LOL)

FireSprite

Yes & no - I think that when things got overwhelming & he started to feel shaky then all efforts focus on recovery first, all focus is on staying sober & not picking up a drink. (which IS critical) For him, this sometimes was exclusive to every other thing going on.... it would cloud his mind so much so that he would just shut down & only have the ability to focus on himself & his sobriety for days at a time. And no, not for the entire 2 years he's been sober.... worse in the beginning and gradually getting better degree by degree over time. And techincally he wasn't trying to AVOID his responsibilities, but it seemed that way to me, the sober person left standing there fixing whatever issue sent him running for the hills in the first place. In the beginning I didn't understand all of what was going on in him emotionally & physiologically so *I* interpreted it to mean "expected & allowed". Even reading here a prevailing comment is that the recovering person HAS to put their sobriety first in order to be successful at quitting, and in fairness there WERE times where it was all he was capable of handling at once.

I don't think it's the same way for EVERY person in recovery and I don't think it's necessarily tied to being a man. (lol) I also don't think it's an excuse, per say, I think that he really, really stuggles with that "arrested development" so even though he's an almost 40 year old grown man, he's also a 15-yr old boy inside sometimes & can't always bridge the gap between these 2 parts of himself.

I have to also point out that he is stubbornly refusing any additional therapy outside of AA & while he really seems to connect with his sponsor, he does NOT work the steps & I don't know how critical that is in playing a role in all of this. (although I suspect it has a pretty decent impact, it seems like without that important aspect he's reached a point of just being stuck) I pointed out to him recently that while he is still active with AA, he seems to be only making time for it when he's feeling like he's in crisis and that can't be good (but not my side of the street, so I can't really say or do more than that).

I don't think I'm explaining this well, Beth!

wicked

oh yeah, i did not mean every man for sure. LOL No way. I hate those kinda stereotypes.
But, my ex thought he should get a pat on the back for paying minimum child support after the wreckage he left behind, and yeah, I still have some resentment after it came up this past weekend.
He was also a very immature and I was overly responsible and angry about it.
So, we are divorced and he does not do the minimum to support his children.
I guess we all have our problems that we run to recovery for, not just addiction.
Mine was depression so bad, I thought everybody had it or was faking it. (being happy)

I guess men not doing what they are "supposed" to(in my eyes only judgment ick) gets my engine revving. I see that now. And I am now calling for help.

Thank you for your response FireKitty, sometimes, I can talk the tough talk, but walking that walk, well, I falter sometimes.

Beth

FireSprite

Dear Beth, I stumble while trying to walk my talk all the time... I just learned to do it with grace so that it looks more like a dance move, lol.

Sorry to have triggered you, but I always appreciate it when you & the others here at SR challenge my way of thinking, it helps me to see things from another perspective & grow.

dbaguy

Kelly. I just want to say to completely understand how you feel. Everything you are writing resonates with me in some way and in fact I was just posting something similar a couple of days ago (and my wife only just finished her first month of sobriety). Getting over all of those things in the past is not easy and I'm struggling with that right now as well as having those feelings of anger, being pissed, resentful... I have no advice on it, no great words of wisdom, but you're not the only one taking on this journey. There are a lot of us going through the same discoveries, facing the same problems, and trying to understand how we are going to cope with the changes and deal with what it all means. I find some solace in that fact. You're in good company .

LexieCat

Detachment is every bit as essential when dealing with an alcoholic in early recovery as it is dealing with one who is still drinking.

With my first husband (the one who stayed sober), I learned to just walk away when he was in one of his "stuck" places. A couple of times I left the house (just for a few hours) with the SUGGESTION that he call his sponsor. (LOL, he recently told me that I would tell him to "call Joe and tell him to FIX you!" I don't remember that statement, but I very well might have made it.) He got much, much better, and today you couldn't ask for a more thoughtful or considerate man. We got divorced for other reasons, but his recovery was about as good as one could ever hope for.

Early sobriety is tough on everybody. I'm grateful I lived alone when I got sober--I wouldn't have wanted anyone to have to put up with my mood swings, occasional self-pity, extreme helplessness and paralysis at times. I'm pretty good now, I think, but I wasn't in the beginning. Over time, if the "recovering" alcoholic is still the same self-centered jerk, then yes, there is a problem. If the alcoholic is working on recovery, though, and continuing not to drink, there is definitely hope for improvement.

NYCDoglvr

Eight months is early recovery and I understand why his focus must be on getting sober. And I've been through the pain of having expectations that didn't work out. You're right on target about hitting Alanon hard, it's a life saver ... we put the focus on our problems instead of constantly pointing out someone elses problem.

wicked

Yeah, you know what I mean, I meant to do that.
(falling down and getting all skinned up)

Beth