McKrazy

well, this pains me to say, and it's still pretty new in thought, but I find myself "planning" the exodus. Alanon suggests not making any big decisions for the first 6 months to the program. I'm not going to, I think that's a wise suggestion. But more and more I find myself looking at that magical date, and making choices and plans that are about just me and my kids and how to pull out of this self-destructive life-style. I know many of you are great at detaching and can lead "normal" lives and be serene. I just keep thinking, that even if I, a 41 year old woman who MADE these terrible choices that have landed me here can detach, do I expect my 6 year old to? And I keep seeing this word picture of myself looking at my H, walking past him, making dinner in the next room, going places with him, all with him holding this gun to his head, because that's how it feels. I'm watching someone commit suicide and I'm subjecting my kids to that, too. It's all becoming more plain to me, and it scares me, but it's freeing, too. Wierd, huh? And as of Feb. 15(my alanon "birthday", which puts the six months on my actual birthday....hmmmm) when I was listening to this speaker saying the definition of love is wanting and committing to the best for someone even at a personal sacrifice, well then, I do love my husband, and I can't watch him kill himself any longer, and maybe the only way to let him choose life, is for me to stop being a part of his. For too many years I've heard how I'm the root of all his pain and medicating anyway. (now, don't believe I buy that anymore, so leaving would force him to come to terms with that stinking thinking, too.)
wow, I just spewed, didn't I. Now, I'm just going to brace myself and wait for my codie friends to come forward. I lean on you guys so fully and so respect what you've learned and share.....
please share away.... I'm listening.
Pam

Gabe

Pam,
Gooch posted this in another thread:

"I've learned that the most important part of a relationship and the definition of love (for me) is 'the nurturing and advocacy of anothers spiritual growth, which includes wanting the very best for them even when you can't be a part of it.'"

It's hard to think that removing yourself from the situation is a solution. But sadly, sometimes it is.
Big hugs,
Gabe

Lorelai

Slow suicide. One of the things that really got to me was reading a website called losingtom.com. It chronicles the physical effects of alcoholism over a period of years. I guess it finally hit me that he's not going to stay like this forever. His drinking isn't the same as it was five years ago and it's not going to be the same five years from now. He will eventually find - recovery, insanity or death. When the reality of that hit me, it physically hurt.
L

Magichappens

That decision is yours and yours alone. Al-anon can help you find the peace to make sane choices, and one's that are true to ourself. Do the best you can, one day at a time, and it will work out. You have my prayers and support in your decision to take care of you and your children. Hugs, Magic

myles1

McTired,

Sounds like good, healthy, practical thinking to me.

It's important for your kids to see healthy action if not on his part then definitely on yours.
Ngaire

McKrazy

thanks myles, it's weird, but it also feels like copping out, and I guess after trying for 18 years at something, it's hard to "give up". if you're a praying person, I sure could use any you got right now. life sucks today.

JT

McTired,

Life only sucks if you let it. You know better than that.

It sounds like you are at a crossroad and in the end you are the only one that can choose which path you are going to take. Al Anon will teach you to try gratitude and I am sure you have. There may not be enough to be grateful for. Al Anon will teach you to keep your own side of the street clean. But even if you do that the other side might stink it up too much for you to stand.

I am a believer of giving it my best try before I bale. But if I have tried it all and it ain't cuttin' it...bale I would.

Only you can know that,
JT

myles1

McTired you'll know when you've done all you can and you'll know when it will be time to leave if you do. And you'll be at peace when that time comes.

Ngaire

BlueMoon

********************{Pam}}}}}}}}}}}}}
smiling at that - i don't think ANY one can actually do that 24/7 tho!
it takes practice - right now, i'm going thru some crap and the things i've learned help me get thru the really rough + jagged bits - and i can actually appear to be calm while doing it - sometimes, i can actually appear to be calm and at the same time really feel that way!
and, unfortunately, sometimes i'm just a blithering wreck, scared to death and depressed - part of what i've learned is that it is my choice how i feel - that sounds SO trite! but it's about picking up the tools you have and using them -

and ya know what!? that's exactly what you're doing
it does get easier, it does get better - (problem is, i don't know WHEN dammit! )

and another 'ya know' - - - your post helps me remember that i'm not the only one - Thank You!

Hang in there! together, we can do this!!!

stressedout

Hi,all
Mctired,I sure know how you feel. Im just really lucky I dont have to worry about children,even tho mine are always worried about me. I sometimes feel like Im walking on the edge of a razor and if I fall off,bingo he has an excuse. I just try to keep myself together and its so very hard, I find myself looking into the future without him. Im still hoping he will get into rehab of some sort. I try not to push him but I did tell him after he had come home the other night he needed to see a doctor,he started to get ugly asking me why, I told him cuz eyes arent supose to be that color,maybe I shouldnt have said anything,but damn I dont want to have to watch him die! as far as I know he hasnt made an apt yet. I love my husband very much but this is very painful I hope everything works out for you and you find the happiness that you are seeking a note for LoreLai I wanted to read the web "losingtom.com" but I couldn't find it is there another place to look? thank-you Debbie

Lorelai

Debbie - Sorry - it is www.losingtom.org It's a website dedicated to a documentary film a woman did on her father who died of alcoholism.

McTired - How are you doing today? Hope you're having a much better day !
L

McKrazy

better. I met with my pastor and got a lot of confirmation about my decision to give this situation a plan and then leave if nothing changes. I just so much know I can't watch him destroy himself anymore, and maybe me leaving is the only thing that would serve as a catalyst for change. I don't want to uproot my kids, dive into poverty level living, be by myself, but all of those things could very well happen anyway as I watch this stupid disease progress. That's the part that I'm finally seeing and not just hearing about. It's getting worse, and I have to be responsible to these 3 people I swore to be in charge of. I can't control H, and I can't allow him to control our house. I love him enough to let him make the choices he needs to make, and I love him enough I can't watch him make no choice anymore. That's a choice in itself. I feel peace about the decision, even while I feel scared and sad and disappointed to see so many years end. I guess I hope this doesn't have to be the end. But we all know how foolish that thread would be to hang on to.
Thanks for caring. The next number of months will have me here and on my knees every minute I think.
Thanks all of you,
Pam

Lorelai

How much easier this would be if we could just hate their guts - huh? Everyone I know who is divorced spits venom whenever they talk about their ex. I don't think I could ever get to that point with my H - I've always loved him and I probably always will.

HOWEVER, I don't think that I have to live with him to love him. I can see a point where we are apart but I can still give him a big hug when he comes to see the girls and ask about how he doing and really care about how he is doing. I can also see him coming to the door drunk and me telling him to leave with no guilt whatsoever.

Choosing to live without the alcohol doesn't mean that you have to hate him and that idea makes it easier on me. My life - my rules.
Glad you got to talk to your pastor and glad you're here with us.
Hope you have a good day - L

Magichappens

We will be here for you. Do you have f2f meetings you attend? That might be something to include in your plan. Hugs, Magic

Rose56

McTired, my prayers are with you today. May God grant you moments of peace and rest. I understand the sadness of watching the slow death. I too have struggled with the "should I stay or should I go" stuff. Your plan sounds very logical and respectful too. Keep in mind that in a few more months you may feel differently - either very ready to leave or newly committed to stay. Whatever choice you make will be the right one, because you have made the choice to be in alanon and to work on you! The magic will happen for you, it works if you work it.