Struggling with something
 

ABF has now been sober for a little over a month. He's been going to AA regularly. Far be it from me to evaluate his recovery, but things have been good between as. I've really looked to these forums for support - when I feel stressed or I'm feeling like I'm acting all clingy and codie, I turn here and gain a lot of clarity. I know I don't post very often, but I read all the time.

What I'm struggling with right now is the..weirdness I feel about staying with ABF. Because I actually do want to stay with him. But, when I read these forums, I see so many situations that are objectively not healthy situations. And I feel like the vibe I get from most ( which I understand) is that if you're not married or have kids together or whatever, you should leave because being with an alcoholic only begets misery.

Am I kidding myself into thinking that my situation is ok? Am I just bring young, dumb, and naive for staying?

Dear theseithakas, one thing that I can point out to you is that you do not really know him at this point. He doesn't even know himself--not the real him. If he is an alcoholic, he has been using alcohol to numb his feelings (good and bad) in order to cope with life--so his reality of the world around his has been distorted and blunted. Not until he has stabilized in his recovery so that he can meet life's challenges without alcohol will a more accurate picture of him emerge. He will not be the same then as h e is n ow. He will see the world and others (including you) in it in a new light.

Why not wait until the person--minus the alcohol emerge and then make your decisions accordingly?

I do think it would be good for you to arm yourself with knowledge about this disease that will always be something that he will have to deal with. Knowlege is power. Alcoholism is definitely a disease that brings some stark realities with it. Wise not to bury your head in the sand on this one.

sincerely, dandylion

You're totally right dandylion. I realize this time how difficult this is going to be after seeing him sober (well...dry drunk) for ten months and then seeing him relapse seemingly out if the blue one night last month. Looking back, I see clearly now that it was very much not out of the blue, particularly for someone not working a program. Who knows if he had been drinking in secret prior to that. Oy. This disease. I suppose I'll just see what's to come.

theseithakas, I know how difficult and disappointing a relapse is for us. Also, how difficult early recovery is, also.

Just remember that you have the ability to make decisions for yourself at any point along the way. You decide and pick what you want for your life. You do not have to be controlled by this disease. You are not just a passive observer, here.

dandylion

I totally agree, I think having awareness & knowledge of what you are up against is crucial... and the ability to live life one day at a time. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst in a way, I guess? Early recovery is a challenge for both A's & codies alike, hang in there & remember to take care of YOU!

they say....MORE shall be revealed. good now might not be good later...but there is something to be said for enjoying the good of the now.

as time goes by, as the years go by, we may revise our definition of good. did we mean good enough? or as good as it gets. or just.....good. good is more than the absence of BAD....good is a living breathing visceral thing that lifts us UP.

you are always in charge of your choices. which differs from feeling like the downhill end of the sh*tstorm...stuck, with everything completely dependent on what THEY do. at some point we have to breathe our own air.

Being with an active alcoholic is generally dysfunctional and more often than not, completely unsatisfying. Sometimes its downright abusive or dangerous.

However, being with a recovering alcoholic is a whole 'nother story. I do believe people can change. I've seen miracles happen in the rooms of AA. I know recovering addicts who have made amazing life altering changes and become really honorable and upstanding people. Will that be your BF? That remains to be seen.

Bottom line - if you are happy with this relationship and it meets your needs, and he is happy and his needs are met too, then why would you question staying in it?

If things are going well - enjoy that!

P.S. I posted before I read Anvil's post above mine. We pretty much said the same thing! LOL!

My direct experience and that through family and friends who have been a codie or the alcoholic leads me to believe that most cases there should be and ends up being a split. Hopefully sooner than later.

Tuff girl brings up a great point. I would ask you this. Are things truly good? Are you still stressing about where he may be, if he's secretly drinking and if he's drunk will he act inappropriately or hurt himself or someone?

And if you aren't stressing because you have detached are you truly happy? Or do you find yourself wishing he'd do this or go with you there. Show up on time and be dependable?

My gut tells me you use these forums as a way to deal with the pain whenever he negatively affects you. wouldn't it be nice if you didn't have to deal with the pain?

We get addicted to the ah because it's like a roller coaster. When things are up they are amazing! When things are down it sucks! They also come back and show short lived remorse.

I've made some assumptions I know. I just think that you need to truly evaluate your current position. You are in the bubble and need outside perspective. Plus if what is mentioned here is true that after being truly sober for a while he will be a different person then you are investing time in a different person... It may not pay off.

If you are truly happy after going for a true heart to heart walk with yourself. Then by all means stay.

The wisdom you all gave is unending. Looks like I need to really sit with myself and figure out what's what in the coming months. Thank you all much.

A truly recovered alcoholic is a hero. He has battled one of the worst diseases there is and survived. He has a special kind of wisdom and strength that someone who hasn't fought the disease can never have.

An active alcoholic is a neverending source of intense misery and pain.

The problem is you don't know what you are going to get with your bf, and only quite a bit of time will tell.

If you were my daughter, I'd want something else for you. I would not want you to risk your happiness on something so powerful over which you have no control.

Can you take it really slowly with this guy and wait to see how he does staying sober?

I am a recovered alcoholic (recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body and still recovering around emotional things) for 32 years now and I too will say:

How about you checking out some Alanon and/or some one on one counseling with an addiction therapist for you? It never hurts to know ourselves and it actually become an attribute in deciding what we really do want in our lives.

Love and hugs,

Yup, agree with the above.

In a way, I think I married my first husband because he had done so WELL--and stayed with him for so many years because, dammit, he was and is a good guy. Unfortunately, I think my conception of him as a hero of sorts (and this was on ME, not how he portrayed himself to me) sort of blinded me to the fact that as lovely a person as he is, we really weren't right for each other as life partners. I don't think it was his alcoholism that caused our eventual split, but it was maybe an overabundance of admiration on my part that caused me not to examine carefully enough the kind of people we both were--our personal quirks, the things we like to do, etc. I don't know if that makes any sense. In a way I felt I owed it to him. And again, this was not something he laid on me, but something I laid on myself.

I think the others here are right--he can be an awesome person, and a shining example of recovery, and still not be right for you once the dust has settled. Nothing wrong with continuing to trudge the path together until things become clearer, but keep in mind that even with full recovery, and even with no relapse, human beings are flawed. You are, he is. Not everyone belongs together and will be happy together.

I appreciate everyone's thoughts. Lexie - I hear what you're saying loud and clear. I was previously in a relationship with a man for three years - not an A, by any stretch. Lovely guy all around. I thought for sure that we would get married. We lived together, too. One day I woke up and realized that I was profoundly unhappy, unfulfilled, and bored. It's not that he did anything, necessarily- like I said, he's a great guy. It was just that we weren't a good fit for each other.

Point being, I know that relationships, with or without an A, can end for that reason. You're right that I should be cognizant of that in this situation.