Crazed

I have read so much about alcoholism. I've lived with it on and off for so many years with my EXAG. So now that she is out of rehab, why do I think that she is now fixed? That she is going to be in that 10% (which is the statistic that I have heard) that actually lives out the rest of her life sober. And that she will be swept off her feet by some new Romeo, and they will live happily ever after. All she needs to do is get a new job, get her license back, and she will be as good as new- cured!

I am a very logical person (overly so) in every other aspect of my life. And I know that my thinking is off, and that she will struggle with this disease for the rest of her life, as will whomever she is in a relationship with. Looking from the outside, it is clear and LOGICAL to see just how bad she has currently F*ed things up in her life. But what I struggle with is the ILLOGICAL thinking that after 2 months of rehab, she will now be the most desirable mate on the planet. Part the heavens! She is cured! Her next partner will get what I so desired.

So I DO get it. But then again, I DON'T get it.

SparkleKitty

Understanding comes in two parts: Intellectual and Emotional. Some of us are awesome at the Intellectual understanding because we can attack it and work it out until we get it.

Emotional understanding only comes with acceptance of reality. It is much harder, and we fight ourselves incessantly in order to maintain the illusion of something that is familiar, or to reinforce (often negative) beliefs we have about ourselves. It's frustrating, and if I knew any formula to make it easier or faster, I'd sure as heck share it with you, Crazed.

dandylion

Dear Crazed, I think it is your human tendency to protect your fantasy dreams of your future life with her with a dose of denial. Your ego(thus, self-esteem) was tied up in those dreams.

Maybe, part of the problem is that you are fantasizing into her future but not your own.

You can trust me, that after you have extracted your identity--separate from hers---and have completed your recovery work and have woven a life--perhaps with a terrific person in it---you won't give a horse's rosette who she might align herself with.
Oh, sure, you will remember her--but you won't feel the pain.
I have proven that this is true--in my own life.

dandylion

marie1960

Perhaps you are struggling with ACCEPTANCE?

I know I sure did.

I was always wishing for him to get better, be better, stay better.............

I actually feel empathy for the future Romeo in her life, I wouldn't wish the crazy, madness on anyone.

you have come a long way my friend, stay your course............

Tuffgirl

Can you also see how common this is here? So many folks think their ex's are HAPPY and SOBER now that they've dumped them, crapped on their children and family, and moved onto the next victim.

It seems to be human nature to exaggerate reality in these circumstances. Just remember one version in your brain talking, and the other is your emotions. Listen to the former.

DreamsofSerenity

Dear Crazed,

I totally agree that you are fantasizing into her future instead of your own. I think you are addicted to this woman in the same way that I was (am) addicted to my exabf. I have it easier than you do in the sense that my ex is still drinking and is as unhealthy as ever. When I think about the next person he will be with, I honestly just feel sorry for her. However, if he were sober, I can totally see myself tripping exactly like you are doing.

Emotional understanding seems to sneak up on us when we stop our minds from obsessive thought. If you think about it, an intellectual understanding of a situation doesn't mean much without its emotional counterpart. And sometimes we can think about all of this stuff TOO much. I would seriously try to find ways to focus on other things besides her. When you do, you might discover that the next time she pops into your mind, you will have a totally different perspective.

I may be completely wrong, but my sense is that you still haven't come to terms with the reality of who your exgf is. Everytime you describe her, you put her on a pedestal of practical perfection. The truth is that one can not drink so heavily for so many years without lasting consequences to her body, mind, career, and children. The reality that you are not seeing is that your exgf has a monumental job ahead of her, both in staying sober and rebuilding her life. I would not call her an ideal mate by any means. You aren't seeing this reality because you are wearing blinders and she is the only thing in your field of vision.

Again, this is just my sense. Take what you want and leave the rest. Hugs!!!!

FireSprite

I think it's pretty simplistic really; it's your heart vs. your head, logic vs. emotion. When these two things are so far apart (as in a situation like this) it causes this insane internal struggle.

It sucks, and it can be downright painful.

Crazed

Thanks for the good feedback.

I think the emotional part, and the acceptance of coming to terms with the real world, is what I am missing. It is that small piece of HOPE that is holding me back.

Nope- I am not doing that. Am not. I am not denying anything. I never deny. Not me.

(just kidding about the denying that I am denying )

Wavy

Ugh. The hope. Its the hope that does it. That sneaky little irrational hope that creeps in against all your better judgement. I hate that sneaky hope, it keeps me attached to things I should have let go a long time ago. Accepting the absoluteness of the situation, that there is no room for hope - is so very hard, because there is always that "what if", always some scenario, however unlikely, that can be fabricated where everything turns out OK. That is where living one day at a time can help keep you focussed on what is rather than what could be.

BlueSkies1

Ok, face your fears. She turns into miss wonderful and meets prince charming and they run off into the sunset together on a white horse.
Does that make you less desirable? More guilty? Less of a trooper? Less of a person?

She does not define who you are. You do that, so do it well.

NYCDoglvr

Addiction is not a rational disease, it is a mental illness and as a recovering alcoholic (21+ years), I've never met a non-alcoholic who understood how alcoholics think. I suggest letting go of outcomes, they're out of your control.