he left me and 3 kids and has cut me out of his life
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Hi I am we'll aware I focus on him and sk-anon said it is normal for victims of alcoholic abuse to be like that. They have advised that they sim to shift the focus on me. I spend all my time with my kids and I don't go out anywhere. Unfortunately I have to work to keep the roof over my head. The kids don't see me upset as I put a brave face on daily and cry when I am in the bath or in bed alone.
Yes I know u r all right about my focus being on him and I persistently try and try to stop. But even though I try the thoughts of the abuse towards me and my kids, the nightmares, the fear if him hurting my kids drink driving, the family living 3 doors away punishing me..... How does all this simply go away? I try and try and I don't ask to have nightmares when I go to bed about him, my family even text him to remind him not to dd with my kids but he continues to do do..... So please someone tell me how do I switch and ignore all if this and switch the focus on to me and my kids? I can't turn off my nightmares, my tears or stop him from drink driving . I don't want to continue feeling this way. I know he is an alcoholic and bad for me and the kids but my emotions and fears of him harmi g my kids cannot just be switched off like a light switch. Thanks for the advice received so far x
Yes I know u r all right about my focus being on him and I persistently try and try to stop. But even though I try the thoughts of the abuse towards me and my kids, the nightmares, the fear if him hurting my kids drink driving, the family living 3 doors away punishing me..... How does all this simply go away? I try and try and I don't ask to have nightmares when I go to bed about him, my family even text him to remind him not to dd with my kids but he continues to do do..... So please someone tell me how do I switch and ignore all if this and switch the focus on to me and my kids? I can't turn off my nightmares, my tears or stop him from drink driving . I don't want to continue feeling this way. I know he is an alcoholic and bad for me and the kids but my emotions and fears of him harmi g my kids cannot just be switched off like a light switch. Thanks for the advice received so far x
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Join Date: Nov 2013
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Alfie, I feel horrible for you.
Alcohol is controlling his life, but sadly his life is still controlling you.
I know the hell of a bad break up. I would guess most of us have lived it (although this "man" of yours wins some sort of award for being a complete and total asshat)
I know it's hard to stop thinking about him. My x narcissistic boyfriend told me he was just not ready for a relationship after being in one with me for over three years. Yet within DAYS of leaving, he was on a dating site and had checked the box "looking for a relationship"
I was CRUSHED. I wallowed in self pity (which was fine with me) for months.
I had to work, I had to keep the house running on my own, so I pitied in my spare time.
I wrote I journaled, but I cut off ALL contact and stopped trying to find out what he was doing and HOW he was doing.
Years later I caught him on the Telly with a new GF. They want to have a baby, but not get married. Or, HE did not want to get married. So many years later he was in a relationship and yet stil really not ready for one.
What you HAVE to do is focus on your kids, focus on you. Close your curtains as someone else suggested and let him have all of this "friends" who think you are the baddie.
Ask your kids not to report back to you on his and his GFs activities, my mom did that to me as a child, when my dad was a RAGING A. Puts the kids in a terrible spot.
The truth will come out, or rather it seems the truth is already out there. He is an alcoholic, he is abusive, he is cruel, he puts other persons at risk, he fights with his new GF in front of the kids, he is not happy, he is still consumed and sheltered and it will go on until it doesn't, one way or another.
and I don't know about you but that "man" is not the kind if mine I ever want in my house.
In addition to al anon, therapy worked wonders in getting through those initial months. Best wishes to you for a more sane new years.
Alcohol is controlling his life, but sadly his life is still controlling you.
I know the hell of a bad break up. I would guess most of us have lived it (although this "man" of yours wins some sort of award for being a complete and total asshat)
I know it's hard to stop thinking about him. My x narcissistic boyfriend told me he was just not ready for a relationship after being in one with me for over three years. Yet within DAYS of leaving, he was on a dating site and had checked the box "looking for a relationship"
I was CRUSHED. I wallowed in self pity (which was fine with me) for months.
I had to work, I had to keep the house running on my own, so I pitied in my spare time.
I wrote I journaled, but I cut off ALL contact and stopped trying to find out what he was doing and HOW he was doing.
Years later I caught him on the Telly with a new GF. They want to have a baby, but not get married. Or, HE did not want to get married. So many years later he was in a relationship and yet stil really not ready for one.
What you HAVE to do is focus on your kids, focus on you. Close your curtains as someone else suggested and let him have all of this "friends" who think you are the baddie.
Ask your kids not to report back to you on his and his GFs activities, my mom did that to me as a child, when my dad was a RAGING A. Puts the kids in a terrible spot.
The truth will come out, or rather it seems the truth is already out there. He is an alcoholic, he is abusive, he is cruel, he puts other persons at risk, he fights with his new GF in front of the kids, he is not happy, he is still consumed and sheltered and it will go on until it doesn't, one way or another.
and I don't know about you but that "man" is not the kind if mine I ever want in my house.
In addition to al anon, therapy worked wonders in getting through those initial months. Best wishes to you for a more sane new years.
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Hi thank you all. I have my 2nd al-anon meeting tonight. I will have a good chat to them. You are all correct my focus is on him and it has to stop. He will follow his own path to self destruction. It's sad as he used to cry to me when really drunk and tell me he wanted to go to doctors and AA only to deny he has a problem when sober.
It's the new year coming and I will try to sort my head out. I suppose it will be easier when I sell my home and I can move away from his lying vindictive family who live 3 doors away. Take care all
It's the new year coming and I will try to sort my head out. I suppose it will be easier when I sell my home and I can move away from his lying vindictive family who live 3 doors away. Take care all
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The person he cheated with originally didn't club him over the head and force him to cheat, he was a willing participant. A participant who knew he had a wife and kids. Can't put all the blame on her. I understand your hurt but SHE is not at the root of that hurt- he is.
You want to hurt back, you want to see karma come and for him/her to get theirs. There is an expression:
Bitterness-resentment is like drinking poisen and waiting for the other person to die.
Right now you are poisoning yourself with anger, bitterness and thoughts of revenge while they are living their lives. Going about life doing what they want and you sit watching them out your window consumed/paralyzed with wanting to hurt them back.
If him driving your children while he is drunk is the main issue then address it legally.
I tend to agree that when someone is so wrapped up emotionally with what others are doing then they don't have much emotion or time to enjoy the present. I'm sure your children are not enjoying being in the middle of your battle with your ex and his girl friends.
You want to hurt back, you want to see karma come and for him/her to get theirs. There is an expression:
Bitterness-resentment is like drinking poisen and waiting for the other person to die.
Right now you are poisoning yourself with anger, bitterness and thoughts of revenge while they are living their lives. Going about life doing what they want and you sit watching them out your window consumed/paralyzed with wanting to hurt them back.
If him driving your children while he is drunk is the main issue then address it legally.
I tend to agree that when someone is so wrapped up emotionally with what others are doing then they don't have much emotion or time to enjoy the present. I'm sure your children are not enjoying being in the middle of your battle with your ex and his girl friends.
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The kids hate it. They hate watching him argue and abuse his new gf. Fortunately there is no arguing and chaos in my home now that the alcoholic is gone. We no longer walk around on egg shells waiting for him to be abusive. His new gf now has all that.
Today I have phoned the police and his car reg is on the police national computer as a know drink driver. It's just a matter if time before he is caught. Then my kids will be safe.
Yes I am bitter and angry as he tortured me for years and the kids with alcoholic abuse. Well that's her problem now not mine. I now have a peaceful life. In time I know I will look back and be relieved that he left. I just couldn't stand his drinking anymore but was a co-dependent so I never left him. Reality is I should have left him years ago for the sake if me and my children.
Today I have phoned the police and his car reg is on the police national computer as a know drink driver. It's just a matter if time before he is caught. Then my kids will be safe.
Yes I am bitter and angry as he tortured me for years and the kids with alcoholic abuse. Well that's her problem now not mine. I now have a peaceful life. In time I know I will look back and be relieved that he left. I just couldn't stand his drinking anymore but was a co-dependent so I never left him. Reality is I should have left him years ago for the sake if me and my children.
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So glad to hear this! Put your kids first at all costs. My friend shares custody w/her XAH. I asked her how she deals with it. She says if her child does not want to go w/him, and she has a reason (dad is drinking or being mean), then she writes it in a journal and she does not send her. Her point is this. He has to take her back to court to do anything about it, which he is not willing to do (he is a drunk and not willing to spend the $ either). She is ready to point out that he is a drunk and put her kid on the stand with the journal ready when and if that does happen.
I thought about this very hard when I decided I am going to separate. I have not done so yet but I will very soon. Is my AH really going to call the courts and tell them that I was unwilling to put our children in the car w/him and take me back to court? I highly doubt that! My older daughter who is 14 has a phone, I plan on getting my little daughter (8) a phone also so they can contact me anytime no matter what is going on.
Hugs...it is a step at a time and you are doing the right thing. Eventually the hurt will be less and less and you will be happier and happier!
I thought about this very hard when I decided I am going to separate. I have not done so yet but I will very soon. Is my AH really going to call the courts and tell them that I was unwilling to put our children in the car w/him and take me back to court? I highly doubt that! My older daughter who is 14 has a phone, I plan on getting my little daughter (8) a phone also so they can contact me anytime no matter what is going on.
Hugs...it is a step at a time and you are doing the right thing. Eventually the hurt will be less and less and you will be happier and happier!
Originally Posted by alfiepug3 
The kids hate it. They hate watching him argue and abuse his new gf. Fortunately there is no arguing and chaos in my home now that the alcoholic is gone. We no longer walk around on egg shells waiting for him to be abusive. His new gf now has all that.
Today I have phoned the police and his car reg is on the police national computer as a know drink driver. It's just a matter if time before he is caught. Then my kids will be safe.
Yes I am bitter and angry as he tortured me for years and the kids with alcoholic abuse. Well that's her problem now not mine. I now have a peaceful life. In time I know I will look back and be relieved that he left. I just couldn't stand his drinking anymore but was a co-dependent so I never left him. Reality is I should have left him years ago for the sake if me and my children.
Today I have phoned the police and his car reg is on the police national computer as a know drink driver. It's just a matter if time before he is caught. Then my kids will be safe.
Yes I am bitter and angry as he tortured me for years and the kids with alcoholic abuse. Well that's her problem now not mine. I now have a peaceful life. In time I know I will look back and be relieved that he left. I just couldn't stand his drinking anymore but was a co-dependent so I never left him. Reality is I should have left him years ago for the sake if me and my children.
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The reality is that he left you physically but you keep him in your daily life emotionally. Sure the yelling and screaming is gone from your house but still remains in your thoughts.
Get yourself busy with life, not what was or will be for HIM. Focus on YOU and what YOUR life will become.
Glad you have notified the authorities and they can hopefully catch him while he is drinking and driving.
Get yourself busy with life, not what was or will be for HIM. Focus on YOU and what YOUR life will become.
Glad you have notified the authorities and they can hopefully catch him while he is drinking and driving.
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It takes time to recover alfiepug, I am not sure people always see the impact abuse has had on them before they are recovered and look back.
It is great that you were the primary earner, money is not everything but one worry less does count for something.
If you oldest son has adhd tendencies it will be easier for him with predictability at home, well that is easier for all children.
I do hope you will find your new home soon.
Who knows, you could be settled in your new home before easter.
Early spring during easter holiday will be a fine time to get a new garden in order.
It is great that you were the primary earner, money is not everything but one worry less does count for something.
If you oldest son has adhd tendencies it will be easier for him with predictability at home, well that is easier for all children.
I do hope you will find your new home soon.
Who knows, you could be settled in your new home before easter.
Early spring during easter holiday will be a fine time to get a new garden in order.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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Oh Alfiepug, I hate to read of your pain but I also take comfort that I am not alone in my feelings as my situation seems quite similar to yours with accidently sent texts for new gf etc, and tortuting myself that he is happy with someone else. I am proud of the fact that I maintain for my gorgeous children and like you, I go out to work and pay the bills for the house which was always mine but also wake up alone and feel like you do, think. However, some days i am starting tohave a slight and almost guilty flash of relief that I am not carrying him anymore on a day to day basis. I am sending you hugs. I hope we both get to better places very soon. xx
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Hi all I went to my 2nd alanon meeting Friday and told them that my focus is on him all the time. They said this is perfectly normal when someone was in an abusive alcoholic relationship. They said they were all like that when they first started attending al-anon. They aim to help me focus on me.
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hey alfiepug.
be gentle with yourself, you are grieving the loss of the relationship (perhaps more so grieving the loss of what you hoped and worked hard for that relationship to be), whilst nurturing your children, earning the means to keep the roof over your head and trudging through the daily needs of life. On top of that you have fears for the safety of the children whilst he drives, the loss of your wider family and his continued abuse and blame.
that is not nothing. I am nearly 4 years on from the point you are at, and I promise you it gets better. my life now is hectic but filled with joy, I have an inner strength and stability that is not shaken by the antics of others. I needed counselling to get there, and time, and to go through those stages of grief, and that is all really tricky when real life insists on racing ahead. Some days the only thing I achieved was not being sacked and ending the day with both kids still alive. But each boundary, and each step forward got easier.
the pain does go, almost whilst you aren't looking. you are strong, even if you don't feel it right now, and without an abusive alcoholic holding you back you are going to thrive. that doesn't mean it will all be plain sailing, it won't, but one step at a time you will get through all of this and rediscover your joy.
hugs, and I've missed how old your kids are, but at mine's school, they have a counselling/emotional literacy programme, which is very laid back and both of my kids have used when they were struggling with things.
be gentle with yourself, you are grieving the loss of the relationship (perhaps more so grieving the loss of what you hoped and worked hard for that relationship to be), whilst nurturing your children, earning the means to keep the roof over your head and trudging through the daily needs of life. On top of that you have fears for the safety of the children whilst he drives, the loss of your wider family and his continued abuse and blame.
that is not nothing. I am nearly 4 years on from the point you are at, and I promise you it gets better. my life now is hectic but filled with joy, I have an inner strength and stability that is not shaken by the antics of others. I needed counselling to get there, and time, and to go through those stages of grief, and that is all really tricky when real life insists on racing ahead. Some days the only thing I achieved was not being sacked and ending the day with both kids still alive. But each boundary, and each step forward got easier.
the pain does go, almost whilst you aren't looking. you are strong, even if you don't feel it right now, and without an abusive alcoholic holding you back you are going to thrive. that doesn't mean it will all be plain sailing, it won't, but one step at a time you will get through all of this and rediscover your joy.
hugs, and I've missed how old your kids are, but at mine's school, they have a counselling/emotional literacy programme, which is very laid back and both of my kids have used when they were struggling with things.
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hi alfie,
that is great about your second meeting. most of us were so focused on the A at the time, but learned to put that focus back on ourselves like your alanon friends said.
my perspective really started to change when i saw how i have choices about how i can act/react/etc and that i had a lot of control over my own life even if i had no control over anyone else's choices.
that is great about your second meeting. most of us were so focused on the A at the time, but learned to put that focus back on ourselves like your alanon friends said.
my perspective really started to change when i saw how i have choices about how i can act/react/etc and that i had a lot of control over my own life even if i had no control over anyone else's choices.
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alfiepug3, this was tough for me to read as I left my family as well (Wife and two small children ages 5 and 3). I was with my separated spouse for 12 years and married for 7. Our marriage began to get worse and worse and most of it was related to my drinking. I then started an inappropriate relationship with a woman at work (she is since out of the picture) but my drinking continue to get worse. I now find myself devastated, alone, financially insecure, and my spouse will not take me back. Alcohol has ruined my life. I hope in your situation he realizes this...gets sober and returns. However, it sounds like he's going to need professional help and that is exactly what I am in the beginning steps of. Best of luck and stay strong for your children!
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Hi all thanks for your responses. In response to one question my children are 4 and 6..... The oldest is my 18 tear old son from 1st marriage.
Thank you broom as well for your response. Thankfully you are getting help. You have remorse for what you did. Unfortunately my ex has absolutely zero remorse. Not once has he looked back in 7 months and like another poster said, he fed me false hope if getting help for alcoholism in between girlfriends. Not once has he looked back. He has never validated our relationship and its as though I meant nothing to him. He shows no pain, no remorse, he is with another girlfriend who also drinks heavily and only yesterday I get to hear she has inherited a third share of a house and she wants to pay for my ex and my kids to go on holiday. I must admit I am jealous of his new gf as she has him and I really thought me and the kids meant everything to him and he would get help to save our family. He chose a new gf instead and I remain devastated. It's not her fault I know but she has the man who was my best friend at school, a person I believe was my soulmate, the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and I am left totally bewildered as to how one minute we are looking at getting a bigger home and then he cheats and he has gone. What really hurts is that since we split he actually believes he is not an alcoholic, he is not a cheat, he is not abusive and it's my head. He told me to die of cancer and that I was not worth a try. All so purely evil for simply living him.
So now I have also decided to look into paying for private counselling. I can't do this no more.... Suffering in agony just hoping that one day he will express remorse and realise I was worth something to him. I can't continue to suffer in silence, cry myself to sleep, exist rather than live, while he continues life with a new gf and is probably happy. I am not happy, I remain single as I can't go near another man after what he did. But I will never let him no my pain and no contact will continue till the due I die.
So for now I will get professional help and move on to try to find a good life for me and my kids. I will also need to try to realise that our relationship will never be validated and I never meant anything to him and never will x
Thank you broom as well for your response. Thankfully you are getting help. You have remorse for what you did. Unfortunately my ex has absolutely zero remorse. Not once has he looked back in 7 months and like another poster said, he fed me false hope if getting help for alcoholism in between girlfriends. Not once has he looked back. He has never validated our relationship and its as though I meant nothing to him. He shows no pain, no remorse, he is with another girlfriend who also drinks heavily and only yesterday I get to hear she has inherited a third share of a house and she wants to pay for my ex and my kids to go on holiday. I must admit I am jealous of his new gf as she has him and I really thought me and the kids meant everything to him and he would get help to save our family. He chose a new gf instead and I remain devastated. It's not her fault I know but she has the man who was my best friend at school, a person I believe was my soulmate, the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and I am left totally bewildered as to how one minute we are looking at getting a bigger home and then he cheats and he has gone. What really hurts is that since we split he actually believes he is not an alcoholic, he is not a cheat, he is not abusive and it's my head. He told me to die of cancer and that I was not worth a try. All so purely evil for simply living him.
So now I have also decided to look into paying for private counselling. I can't do this no more.... Suffering in agony just hoping that one day he will express remorse and realise I was worth something to him. I can't continue to suffer in silence, cry myself to sleep, exist rather than live, while he continues life with a new gf and is probably happy. I am not happy, I remain single as I can't go near another man after what he did. But I will never let him no my pain and no contact will continue till the due I die.
So for now I will get professional help and move on to try to find a good life for me and my kids. I will also need to try to realise that our relationship will never be validated and I never meant anything to him and never will x
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Hi all. Had a load if grief yesterday off the ex. Out of the blue 2 months since I have been in strict no contact the ex sends an abusive text. Ex not happy at me being friends with Julie, a school friend of mine who he hates. He calls her a skank just because his sister doesn't like her so now he don't like her. He also calls me a tramp in the text.
Anyhow I ignore him. He was due to pick kids up at 7 from childminders so I phone at 7.30 to check he picked them up. He heard my voice on phone and he demanded childminder pass him phone so he could speak to me. I informed childminder to tell him I did not want to speak to him and to tell him not to text me in the future.
Well my refusal resulted in him shouting in the background telling me to drop dead, he was calling my friend Jayson a lanky streak if p**s (he thinks he is my bf but I am single!), he then threatened to come to my house. All in front if kids. The childminder informed him she would not tolerate this behaviour in her house. My kids started crying. I will be asking them when they come back whether they still want to go to daddy's. my sister is texting him today to say any more of that abuse in front of kids and access will stop.
I don't get it. I stay out of his life. I don't contact him and we split up 7 months ago and i went into strict no contact 2 months ago. The child minder said he was in a bad mood when he arrived and she has never seen him like that. I have done nothing to him, I leave him be. Why is he being like this? Is his life not going to plan? What?
Anyhow I ignore him. He was due to pick kids up at 7 from childminders so I phone at 7.30 to check he picked them up. He heard my voice on phone and he demanded childminder pass him phone so he could speak to me. I informed childminder to tell him I did not want to speak to him and to tell him not to text me in the future.
Well my refusal resulted in him shouting in the background telling me to drop dead, he was calling my friend Jayson a lanky streak if p**s (he thinks he is my bf but I am single!), he then threatened to come to my house. All in front if kids. The childminder informed him she would not tolerate this behaviour in her house. My kids started crying. I will be asking them when they come back whether they still want to go to daddy's. my sister is texting him today to say any more of that abuse in front of kids and access will stop.
I don't get it. I stay out of his life. I don't contact him and we split up 7 months ago and i went into strict no contact 2 months ago. The child minder said he was in a bad mood when he arrived and she has never seen him like that. I have done nothing to him, I leave him be. Why is he being like this? Is his life not going to plan? What?
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You deserve better than this.
YOU.
Yes, YOU.
Peace.
Edit: wow, didn't realize this thread was from so many months ago.
But that still stands.
You deserve better than that b******. And you will find a better life.
He won't.
He CAN'T. He is a self sabotaging drunk.
Peace.
YOU.
Yes, YOU.
Peace.
Edit: wow, didn't realize this thread was from so many months ago.
But that still stands.
You deserve better than that b******. And you will find a better life.
He won't.
He CAN'T. He is a self sabotaging drunk.
Peace.
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Been to al-anon 3 times now. Also had my first private therapy. That really helped. I sobbed none stop for an hour. I am doing my best to out the focus on me but it still hurts. It really hurts. Had 3 horrific nightmares last night that woke me up each time about him and the abuse. Really upset me. Didn't want to go back to sleep each time but I had to.
And I am struggling to live my life but I manage to. I am selling my home and want to move to kenilworth and now suddenly the ex tells his mates he is house hunting in kenilworth. What! He knows nobody around there but I do. It's an area he don't set foot in. I told nobody that's where I want to move to so I know he isn't doing this to upset me as he has no idea. Now my plans are gone and the houses I looked at gone. I simply can't move to an area he will live in.
And you are all so correct. My focus is on him and her. I stood by him for years and tried to get him to go to gp and AA. Put up with the abuse. Have him my all just to be left for one woman, then he meets yet another woman. He is happy ..... Well I think he is. You know what it's like when you have thoughts that he is happy with new gf and my life is full of loneliness. No remorse, no regret, nothing.
I know he is no good for me. But it hurts. Just feel down today and I am fed up. Been single for 7.5 months and can't let another man near me. I am emotionally dead when it concerns other men. The abuse has mentally scared me whilst he lives his life as an alcoholic but he is happy. If he is not happy then why is he moving in with her after 4 months. I know it's wrong and it is wrong but I want him to experience the sheer pain and agony that I am going through. He hurt his girlfriend, then his first wife, then me the mother if his kids and each time he comes up happy and smelling of roses. What did I ever do.... Nothing.
It's easy to say keep busy. Yeah I am busy with kids. But then I am at home all the time with hardly any adult company. So I wallow in grief hoping karma gets him and that he understands how I felt and feel. But I believe I am doing my best. I go to al-anon and private counselling. Never in my life have I needed counselling.
I just hope one day I am happy. That's all I want
And I am struggling to live my life but I manage to. I am selling my home and want to move to kenilworth and now suddenly the ex tells his mates he is house hunting in kenilworth. What! He knows nobody around there but I do. It's an area he don't set foot in. I told nobody that's where I want to move to so I know he isn't doing this to upset me as he has no idea. Now my plans are gone and the houses I looked at gone. I simply can't move to an area he will live in.
And you are all so correct. My focus is on him and her. I stood by him for years and tried to get him to go to gp and AA. Put up with the abuse. Have him my all just to be left for one woman, then he meets yet another woman. He is happy ..... Well I think he is. You know what it's like when you have thoughts that he is happy with new gf and my life is full of loneliness. No remorse, no regret, nothing.
I know he is no good for me. But it hurts. Just feel down today and I am fed up. Been single for 7.5 months and can't let another man near me. I am emotionally dead when it concerns other men. The abuse has mentally scared me whilst he lives his life as an alcoholic but he is happy. If he is not happy then why is he moving in with her after 4 months. I know it's wrong and it is wrong but I want him to experience the sheer pain and agony that I am going through. He hurt his girlfriend, then his first wife, then me the mother if his kids and each time he comes up happy and smelling of roses. What did I ever do.... Nothing.
It's easy to say keep busy. Yeah I am busy with kids. But then I am at home all the time with hardly any adult company. So I wallow in grief hoping karma gets him and that he understands how I felt and feel. But I believe I am doing my best. I go to al-anon and private counselling. Never in my life have I needed counselling.
I just hope one day I am happy. That's all I want
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