he left me and 3 kids and has cut me out of his life
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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Hi I know you are right. I hoping that al-anon helps. Just fuming today as its Xmas and saw him walk into his parents house with gf and her daughter. So tonight they will all be totally drunk whilst he drives then home whilst gf permits it. Desperately ringing police each time I know where he is when drunk to get him off the road but police fail to respond. West Midlands police force should be ashamed at their failure to get a drink driver off the road so he continues to put people's lives at risk.
I hope that some of you are right..... That better days lie ahead for me. I wish this hate would go away as I wish he would hit the gutter and have nothing and no one and maybe then him and his family will say sorry to me and admit the alcoholism. Maybe then they will stop blaming me and my son. Every time I bump into his parents they look at me in disgust. Why? I wish he would hit the gutter and realise that in his entire life I was the only woman who stood by him, tried to get him to doctors and AA just to be smashed to the ground with abuse
I know my self esteem is shattered. I just desperately hope my house sells soon so I can move to a new area where I won't have the privilege of having his parents, brother, sister all looking at me as though I am dead to them, they even ignore my kids if they are with me. I will then have a new life, fresh start and will never have to see any of them again.
He also never have me closure. One minute he says its him and then he turns it all on me and blames me and my son for relationship breakdown. Never told me how you can live someone, be looking at buying a bigger house (we were looking at houses), then days later he is gone all because he says he can't live with fact he cheated in me with a one night stand. He changed his number to stop the woman contacting him when I found out so how come this keeley who he cheated on me with texts him? .... Because he is a liar, cheat, alcoholic. The drink changed him into someone I no longer recognise. Does drink make someone cheat as he does not have a history of cheating in 20 years? So because alcohol has taken over he will always cheat and be abusive? Is that right? Sorry for all the questions it's just that today it's Xmas and I have seen him with her from my window and my heart feels as though it has been ripped out xx
I hope that some of you are right..... That better days lie ahead for me. I wish this hate would go away as I wish he would hit the gutter and have nothing and no one and maybe then him and his family will say sorry to me and admit the alcoholism. Maybe then they will stop blaming me and my son. Every time I bump into his parents they look at me in disgust. Why? I wish he would hit the gutter and realise that in his entire life I was the only woman who stood by him, tried to get him to doctors and AA just to be smashed to the ground with abuse
I know my self esteem is shattered. I just desperately hope my house sells soon so I can move to a new area where I won't have the privilege of having his parents, brother, sister all looking at me as though I am dead to them, they even ignore my kids if they are with me. I will then have a new life, fresh start and will never have to see any of them again.
He also never have me closure. One minute he says its him and then he turns it all on me and blames me and my son for relationship breakdown. Never told me how you can live someone, be looking at buying a bigger house (we were looking at houses), then days later he is gone all because he says he can't live with fact he cheated in me with a one night stand. He changed his number to stop the woman contacting him when I found out so how come this keeley who he cheated on me with texts him? .... Because he is a liar, cheat, alcoholic. The drink changed him into someone I no longer recognise. Does drink make someone cheat as he does not have a history of cheating in 20 years? So because alcohol has taken over he will always cheat and be abusive? Is that right? Sorry for all the questions it's just that today it's Xmas and I have seen him with her from my window and my heart feels as though it has been ripped out xx
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
alfie---I believe that you are going through grief. Just like in a death. Grief has many stages before fading away. You are in what I think of as the "wailing wall stage". That is o.k. and, can be very therapeutic--as long as it is kept private (don't let the kids see you) (or the neighbors...LOL). Cry, wail, say every vile thing you want to say; scream your questions to God. Do so until you are physically exhausted. It is all o.k. Cry until your eyes are swollen and the snot is running like a river. Do it as many days as it still feels good to do so. It will feel good---in an odd sort of way. That is o.k.
I went to the edge of the woods--so that nobody could hear or see me.
Trust me--it will let some of the poison our of your mind and body.
P.S.--I am so glad that you are m oving. It will not always feel this way.
dandylion
I went to the edge of the woods--so that nobody could hear or see me.
Trust me--it will let some of the poison our of your mind and body.
P.S.--I am so glad that you are m oving. It will not always feel this way.
dandylion
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alfie, You can not argue or reason with a drunk. Believe me when I tell you I did the same thing and thought I was doing the right thing but others will tell you that when it comes to alcoholism, all reasonable logic you'd use for any other marital/daily issue does not work with alcoholism. It just does not work.
The best thing that I have found that works for me, living with an active alcoholic is detachment and quite frankly, minding my own damn business. It goes against everything I thought was right and it affected him more in the end than me foaming at the mouth over him like a rabid beast!
The best thing that I have found that works for me, living with an active alcoholic is detachment and quite frankly, minding my own damn business. It goes against everything I thought was right and it affected him more in the end than me foaming at the mouth over him like a rabid beast!
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: united kingdom
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So minding my own business would have helped ? Is that why he wasn't abusive to his ex wife? So by nagging him because I loved him resulted In him being abusive to me? I feel so down.... His ex wife never gave him kids. He cried to me when I met him as he wanted kids. He promised to never hurt me and told me he would be with me until he died. So if I detached and paid no attention to his drink would he not have abused me?
Tonight I will put kids to bed and have a good sob in the bath and kids won't hear me. I don't stop thinking about him. He is on my mind from when I wake up to when I go to bed. Even my sleep is disturbed by nightmares.
Do you all think I need professional counselling as well as going to alanon or will that be enough? I can't take the way I feel anymore. I am pushing everyone away with my depressive state. I can't focus. I forget things and I am tired all the time.
Does anyone know what would really help me get over him completely? Hypnotherapy? No contact now for 2 months and I still think of him.
Tonight I will put kids to bed and have a good sob in the bath and kids won't hear me. I don't stop thinking about him. He is on my mind from when I wake up to when I go to bed. Even my sleep is disturbed by nightmares.
Do you all think I need professional counselling as well as going to alanon or will that be enough? I can't take the way I feel anymore. I am pushing everyone away with my depressive state. I can't focus. I forget things and I am tired all the time.
Does anyone know what would really help me get over him completely? Hypnotherapy? No contact now for 2 months and I still think of him.
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My experience with dealing with my alcoholic through bitching got me a miserable life. He became more explosive than ever if I even brought up the word vodka. He was so deep in his denial and me bringing it up caused a huge rift between us. He wanted me to believe that I was imagining all of this was in my head and it wasn't that bad and I wasn't buying it. Our life came crashing down because he was drinking every day and I was complaining everyday. I was concerned for his health and my mental health due to living in this vicious cycle of alcohol abuse.
I found this site right before we were entering into the worst part of our marriage. It was getting bad and I was getting desperate for answers, knowledge, anything! I wanted to fix him but in reality, there wasn't a damn thing I could do but get myself well and detach.
I detached and you know what? It lead us straight into the depths of hell but in the end, we came out of it, not unscathed but by the skin of our teeth! I used to try to control him and where he went by flattening his bike tires because he liked to ride buzzed. His riding buzzed was a joke because he was plastered and I knew it. I was prolonging the inevitable because I couldn't always keep the bike tires flat.
On July 3rd, 2013, I did not flatten his bike tires. That day is a very tragic day for me. I weep when I think about it because I could have stopped him from leaving that day but also prolonged the outcome. He left on his bike and he did not come home for over a week. When I called him, a paramedic answered his phone and told me he wrecked his bike and asked me where I'd like him sent? He had to be flown to a trauma center. He suffered massive head injuries, bleeding on the brain and well, I will tell you if it were anyone else, they'd be dead from the injuries he sustained. I felt I had made a huge mistake by detaching. I had actually prayed to God so hard before this happened that I could not do this anymore and I gave the Lord my God my marriage, my husband and my faith that He would do what was right. And He did.
My husband survived the accident. Walked out of the hospital. I bathed him in my kitchen sink and did extensive wound care. Took him to the plastic surgeons weekly for 6 weeks. The neuro dr every week or 2 for months. And he still drank. He still gave me hell. He was still an ass to me after everything. And then he had brain surgery. And he changed. His life was flashing before his eyes as if wrecking the bike didn't do that. I remember his last drink, he was calling me a wh*re. And I looked the ******* in the face and I told him, I will not be responsible for ruining your buzz! Take your bottle and get the eff away from me. And that was the end of it which was in September.
We can not change them. Beg them. Poke them. Prod them into wanting what's best for them. They are essentially their own worst enemies. Let go or be dragged is a saying around here. The people here are amazing. They are the reason why I was able to get through this tragic event. I woke up and prayed to God, Please Lord just get me through today. Every step I took, I didn't think I could but here I am, almost 6 months post accident and my husband is alive and well and I think part of it is because I let him go. And, if you can believe it, he thanked me for not flattening his bike tires because if I did, he said, there would have been no reason to change because he strongly felt that it would never, ever happen to him. Well, it did.
I found this site right before we were entering into the worst part of our marriage. It was getting bad and I was getting desperate for answers, knowledge, anything! I wanted to fix him but in reality, there wasn't a damn thing I could do but get myself well and detach.
I detached and you know what? It lead us straight into the depths of hell but in the end, we came out of it, not unscathed but by the skin of our teeth! I used to try to control him and where he went by flattening his bike tires because he liked to ride buzzed. His riding buzzed was a joke because he was plastered and I knew it. I was prolonging the inevitable because I couldn't always keep the bike tires flat.
On July 3rd, 2013, I did not flatten his bike tires. That day is a very tragic day for me. I weep when I think about it because I could have stopped him from leaving that day but also prolonged the outcome. He left on his bike and he did not come home for over a week. When I called him, a paramedic answered his phone and told me he wrecked his bike and asked me where I'd like him sent? He had to be flown to a trauma center. He suffered massive head injuries, bleeding on the brain and well, I will tell you if it were anyone else, they'd be dead from the injuries he sustained. I felt I had made a huge mistake by detaching. I had actually prayed to God so hard before this happened that I could not do this anymore and I gave the Lord my God my marriage, my husband and my faith that He would do what was right. And He did.
My husband survived the accident. Walked out of the hospital. I bathed him in my kitchen sink and did extensive wound care. Took him to the plastic surgeons weekly for 6 weeks. The neuro dr every week or 2 for months. And he still drank. He still gave me hell. He was still an ass to me after everything. And then he had brain surgery. And he changed. His life was flashing before his eyes as if wrecking the bike didn't do that. I remember his last drink, he was calling me a wh*re. And I looked the ******* in the face and I told him, I will not be responsible for ruining your buzz! Take your bottle and get the eff away from me. And that was the end of it which was in September.
We can not change them. Beg them. Poke them. Prod them into wanting what's best for them. They are essentially their own worst enemies. Let go or be dragged is a saying around here. The people here are amazing. They are the reason why I was able to get through this tragic event. I woke up and prayed to God, Please Lord just get me through today. Every step I took, I didn't think I could but here I am, almost 6 months post accident and my husband is alive and well and I think part of it is because I let him go. And, if you can believe it, he thanked me for not flattening his bike tires because if I did, he said, there would have been no reason to change because he strongly felt that it would never, ever happen to him. Well, it did.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: united kingdom
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Dandelion I can't find your post. Boxinrotz thanks for sharing your story. I know it sounds bad but I wish my ex would have an accident do that he may get the help he needs. He has smashed his car up 3 times when with his ex wife but not with me as I took car keys off him. He has been disqualified before. New gf has no control over him at all...... Well she don't try to stop him.
His car has gone now from his parents 3 doors away. So I suppose I have to sit back and watch him destroy his life and drink more and more. I really thought he would give the drink up for his family and I was also his best friend from school. God I was wrong. It's just the cruelty I knowing that he thought I wasn't worth it when I was and still am from a distance, the only person that really cares and truest loves him. I can't help him no more
His car has gone now from his parents 3 doors away. So I suppose I have to sit back and watch him destroy his life and drink more and more. I really thought he would give the drink up for his family and I was also his best friend from school. God I was wrong. It's just the cruelty I knowing that he thought I wasn't worth it when I was and still am from a distance, the only person that really cares and truest loves him. I can't help him no more
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
I am very sorry for your pain. I can tell you are hurting.
You say often in your posts "Why does he get to land on his feet?"...
It not whether or not you land on your feet, but where your feet are when you land. You are on the ground.....and with his uncontrolled addictions and personality issues, he is on very thin ice. Eventually, he will fall through - be it physically, financially, spiritually, emotionally, etc. Don't stand next to him....'cause when the ice breaks, he'll take you down with him.
Also, his abililty to stand is only because he has lots of dyfunctional people propping him up - his new GF, the one he is cheating with, his family. When all those props fall away, he will drop like a stone. You are working on standing on your own two feet without props - be proud of that!
Just worry about making the ground under your feet firmer, and work on on not worrying about where he is standing.
You say often in your posts "Why does he get to land on his feet?"...
It not whether or not you land on your feet, but where your feet are when you land. You are on the ground.....and with his uncontrolled addictions and personality issues, he is on very thin ice. Eventually, he will fall through - be it physically, financially, spiritually, emotionally, etc. Don't stand next to him....'cause when the ice breaks, he'll take you down with him.
Also, his abililty to stand is only because he has lots of dyfunctional people propping him up - his new GF, the one he is cheating with, his family. When all those props fall away, he will drop like a stone. You are working on standing on your own two feet without props - be proud of that!
Just worry about making the ground under your feet firmer, and work on on not worrying about where he is standing.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Your ah is a drunk a liar and a cheat.
The comment he made about him sleeping with that woman was a mistake is bs.. they communicated AFTER the fact. Hes just nasty please dont listen to anything that comes ouf of his mouth.all of it his hateful bs. Yes...even about you..my has said the same...that he hates me doesnt want to look at me and he even not only cheated but talked bad about me to others. All crap!!!!
I too understand being lonely. I am very lonely. I try so hard to smile and in the inside I hurt terribly. I hurt oh so very terribly. With friends . Family.... my self worth even with them is diminished. I walk around with this dark cloud of pain but hold strong best I can I try hard to kick some reality into my head.
Try it....think about your ah and tell me, is he sain? Is he kind? Is he trustworthy? Is he gentle? Giving?A good father? A good person? A good husband?
When you really and I mean truly think about him.....as he is not as he should be. Youll see how sad a little man he is. How hateful and ugly he is..
How beautiful you are and that his words and actions against you arent because of you Its v
Because he needs someone to abuse...he needs someone to push when down...someone to talk about. The closest person...that someone just happens to be you because your there not because its true.
Hes a mean loser! Good luck and I hope you find happiness.
Remember your the scaoehoat...your the reason. ..
My ah made me it and your is making you it.
The comment he made about him sleeping with that woman was a mistake is bs.. they communicated AFTER the fact. Hes just nasty please dont listen to anything that comes ouf of his mouth.all of it his hateful bs. Yes...even about you..my has said the same...that he hates me doesnt want to look at me and he even not only cheated but talked bad about me to others. All crap!!!!
I too understand being lonely. I am very lonely. I try so hard to smile and in the inside I hurt terribly. I hurt oh so very terribly. With friends . Family.... my self worth even with them is diminished. I walk around with this dark cloud of pain but hold strong best I can I try hard to kick some reality into my head.
Try it....think about your ah and tell me, is he sain? Is he kind? Is he trustworthy? Is he gentle? Giving?A good father? A good person? A good husband?
When you really and I mean truly think about him.....as he is not as he should be. Youll see how sad a little man he is. How hateful and ugly he is..
How beautiful you are and that his words and actions against you arent because of you Its v
Because he needs someone to abuse...he needs someone to push when down...someone to talk about. The closest person...that someone just happens to be you because your there not because its true.
Hes a mean loser! Good luck and I hope you find happiness.
Remember your the scaoehoat...your the reason. ..
My ah made me it and your is making you it.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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Thank you all for your posts. You are right he is an abusive alcoholic cheat. He is drinking more since we split and his family and new gf allow it and don't think he has a problem. To drink 7 days a week sometimes to the point he can hardly stand, to have severely shaky hands in the morning, to drink drive and to previously be convicted for it, to look a mess and stink of booze each morning.... I struggle to see why they defend him and make out its my mashed up head thinking he is an alcoholic. For his best friend to disown him and his family as he told then he is an alcoholic, for his golf friends and 1 work friend to tell him he has a drink problem, to pull up on the car park at work to drink secretly, to hide cans around my house...... Who are his family kidding when they say its me who is the problem. Are they stupid to hold him up and support him by ignoring the problem. Guys..... Does that sound like an alcoholic to you as it sure dies to me.
Sorry for the confusion I have been split for 7 months but no contact for 2 months. I think I am struggling because of the high levels if abuse and intense narcissm. It's as though I meant nothing to him, he never validated our relationship and he walked without having any remorse, empathy or regret for us splitting. He never once looked back or pleaded. My exes from previous relationships did express regret and chased me. He never did chase or beg and walked without looking back as though I was nothing. I am struggling with it all because of how quick he walked without even once looking back. I begged and pleaded for him to come bAck for months until I found out about new gf then I cut him dead out of my life. Not one text, phone call have I ever received from him telling me that he is sorry, he made a mistake. People I know don't think I will ever get remorse or regret even though I am the only one in his life that loved him unconditionally and cared. That's why it hurts. He is too narcisstic to be bothered about losing me. Alcohol has also taken over his life
I struggle as he never had a sense if my worth and he truly feels he has lost nothing
Sorry for the confusion I have been split for 7 months but no contact for 2 months. I think I am struggling because of the high levels if abuse and intense narcissm. It's as though I meant nothing to him, he never validated our relationship and he walked without having any remorse, empathy or regret for us splitting. He never once looked back or pleaded. My exes from previous relationships did express regret and chased me. He never did chase or beg and walked without looking back as though I was nothing. I am struggling with it all because of how quick he walked without even once looking back. I begged and pleaded for him to come bAck for months until I found out about new gf then I cut him dead out of my life. Not one text, phone call have I ever received from him telling me that he is sorry, he made a mistake. People I know don't think I will ever get remorse or regret even though I am the only one in his life that loved him unconditionally and cared. That's why it hurts. He is too narcisstic to be bothered about losing me. Alcohol has also taken over his life
I struggle as he never had a sense if my worth and he truly feels he has lost nothing
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 250
Hi Alfie,
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Addiction is a family disease and it sounds like his family members are in denial about his drinking. You are here, reaching out for help, but they may not know to do that yet. Eventually, they'll figure it out, but for some family members it can take years before they see a situation for what it really is.
You're worried that he's moved on to a happier place without you and found a new love. Someone who spends as much time drinking as he does is NOT happy, they're in a lot of pain and using alcohol to numb or escape from the pain. If he's spending so much time drunk, how much time can he really devote to a relationship? His gf is coming in way behind his alcohol and she can't be happy about that either.
You deserve to be treated with kindness, love and respect. You have beautiful children that are looking up to you for guidance, love and support. Don't let him rob you of your goals and dreams, and all the good things you have in your life. I know it's hard to let go, I'm going through a divorce myself with someone who is an addict. It was not easy to detach, but it saved my sanity. Physically detaching was one thing, mentally detaching has taken more time, but I'm getting better at it.
When we attach so much of our self-worth, our value and our happiness to another person, we're headed for trouble. Take this time to work on YOUR own recovery. The most important relationship we can have is the one with ourselves. We can't be in a healthy relationship if we, as individuals, are not healthy ourselves.
Hugs
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Addiction is a family disease and it sounds like his family members are in denial about his drinking. You are here, reaching out for help, but they may not know to do that yet. Eventually, they'll figure it out, but for some family members it can take years before they see a situation for what it really is.
You're worried that he's moved on to a happier place without you and found a new love. Someone who spends as much time drinking as he does is NOT happy, they're in a lot of pain and using alcohol to numb or escape from the pain. If he's spending so much time drunk, how much time can he really devote to a relationship? His gf is coming in way behind his alcohol and she can't be happy about that either.
You deserve to be treated with kindness, love and respect. You have beautiful children that are looking up to you for guidance, love and support. Don't let him rob you of your goals and dreams, and all the good things you have in your life. I know it's hard to let go, I'm going through a divorce myself with someone who is an addict. It was not easy to detach, but it saved my sanity. Physically detaching was one thing, mentally detaching has taken more time, but I'm getting better at it.
When we attach so much of our self-worth, our value and our happiness to another person, we're headed for trouble. Take this time to work on YOUR own recovery. The most important relationship we can have is the one with ourselves. We can't be in a healthy relationship if we, as individuals, are not healthy ourselves.
Hugs
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Alfie...when someone has that deep of addiction they put it over and above everyone and everything else. It is their one and only love. Does he have a GF? Sure. Is she his #1...nope. Just like, sadly, you were not. Only him and his addiction.
It is horrible but you have gotten away from this. Stop thinking about how bad this is for him. He is a grown adult making a CHOICE. Alcohol has taken over because he has chosen to let it. He could get help, he CHOOSES not to.
Hugs. I do recommend counseling it would help you greatly.
It is horrible but you have gotten away from this. Stop thinking about how bad this is for him. He is a grown adult making a CHOICE. Alcohol has taken over because he has chosen to let it. He could get help, he CHOOSES not to.
Hugs. I do recommend counseling it would help you greatly.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I think professional counseling would benefit you along with al-anon. It seems that for the last 6 months you’ve been unable to let go and were willing to negotiate with the “devil” in order to keep the “devil” in your life.
Addicts only make promises to get you off there backs. I’m sorry you wanted to badly to believe him when he allowed you to believe there was hope that they two of you would get back together. It would appear he did that while in between girl friends.
Any time you try and get between an addict his drug of choice there is going to be contempt and the addict will always push YOU away rather then their drug.
Your mind seems to be wrapped around this woman as if some how it’s HER fault that he is now with her and not you. Water seeks it’s own level – they both drink have that in common, it’s a given he’s going to find someone who accepts his drinking.
NOW is YOUR time to help YOU and get on with YOUR life. Call a professional and set something as well as look into al-anon.
It does get better but like the addict – YOUR going to have to WANT TO GET BETTER instead of bitter.
Addicts only make promises to get you off there backs. I’m sorry you wanted to badly to believe him when he allowed you to believe there was hope that they two of you would get back together. It would appear he did that while in between girl friends.
Any time you try and get between an addict his drug of choice there is going to be contempt and the addict will always push YOU away rather then their drug.
Your mind seems to be wrapped around this woman as if some how it’s HER fault that he is now with her and not you. Water seeks it’s own level – they both drink have that in common, it’s a given he’s going to find someone who accepts his drinking.
NOW is YOUR time to help YOU and get on with YOUR life. Call a professional and set something as well as look into al-anon.
It does get better but like the addict – YOUR going to have to WANT TO GET BETTER instead of bitter.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: united kingdom
Posts: 20
Hi I don't dislike his new gf. It's not her I hate it's the one he cheated on me with as she knew about me and the kids from the beginning. This keeley is now in the picture again now that he is with his new gf. She seems to come back on the scene each time he has a new partner.
I am really upset his new gf allows him to drink drive my kids around and her daughter so I now feel I am contending with both of them. Their behaviour is putting my kids at risk. Now it looks like I have to stop all Access to the kids as I was hoping his new gf would not let him drink drive. I was wrong.
To be honest I feel sorry for his new gf as the kids tell me all about her crying, him swearing and abusing her. She doesn't deserve that. But what the kids don't deserve is the 2 of them risking my kids lives. Morally it's wrong to get in the car with a drink driver knowing innocent kids are at risk. 6 times me and my friends and family have complained to West Midlands police . So yes she accepts his drinking but he is terribly abusive to her and my kids have to see all that. Our daughter even asked her dad to hug his gf when he made her cry but instead he drove off leaving her stranded at a pub.
You are right I haven't moved on as I am bitter and angry. I need to be clear though I do not want my ex back. I just want a sorry and validation that I meant something to him. I never got that. You are right that I am angry as I was emotionally a used for years and I cannot shake it off. I want karma to bite him. Don't forget he destroyed his first wife, then me and now he continues to destroy his new gf and his own kids. Abusive narcisstic men like that do not deserve good karma..... Not after what they have done. I wish you could understand that the abuse really was horrific and I have nightmares. So why does he deserve to be happy? Why? Yes I am angry, bitter and my life is focused on him when it should be focused on me. I would not wish anyone to be in my shoes.... I exist I don't live, the tears don't stop. I have just started to go to al-anon. Why wouldn't I want him to get bad karma as he is risking my kids lives. I want him off the road but the police fail to respond when he has drunk excessively with my kids present. Now I become the enemy as his parents live 3 doors away and they will target me for stopping access to the kids.
I am really upset his new gf allows him to drink drive my kids around and her daughter so I now feel I am contending with both of them. Their behaviour is putting my kids at risk. Now it looks like I have to stop all Access to the kids as I was hoping his new gf would not let him drink drive. I was wrong.
To be honest I feel sorry for his new gf as the kids tell me all about her crying, him swearing and abusing her. She doesn't deserve that. But what the kids don't deserve is the 2 of them risking my kids lives. Morally it's wrong to get in the car with a drink driver knowing innocent kids are at risk. 6 times me and my friends and family have complained to West Midlands police . So yes she accepts his drinking but he is terribly abusive to her and my kids have to see all that. Our daughter even asked her dad to hug his gf when he made her cry but instead he drove off leaving her stranded at a pub.
You are right I haven't moved on as I am bitter and angry. I need to be clear though I do not want my ex back. I just want a sorry and validation that I meant something to him. I never got that. You are right that I am angry as I was emotionally a used for years and I cannot shake it off. I want karma to bite him. Don't forget he destroyed his first wife, then me and now he continues to destroy his new gf and his own kids. Abusive narcisstic men like that do not deserve good karma..... Not after what they have done. I wish you could understand that the abuse really was horrific and I have nightmares. So why does he deserve to be happy? Why? Yes I am angry, bitter and my life is focused on him when it should be focused on me. I would not wish anyone to be in my shoes.... I exist I don't live, the tears don't stop. I have just started to go to al-anon. Why wouldn't I want him to get bad karma as he is risking my kids lives. I want him off the road but the police fail to respond when he has drunk excessively with my kids present. Now I become the enemy as his parents live 3 doors away and they will target me for stopping access to the kids.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
An affair was actually what got me dealing with the elephant in the room....my loved one's problem drinking.
I found counseling in addition to Al-Anon really helpful.
A statistic that I found very helpful in affair recovery was this. It takes 2-5 years to recover from infidelity. I also came to learn about the grief cycle and found the cycle for me to be very true. I had to experience (a variety of times). Denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance. I did denial once, bargaining, anger and depression a couple of times and am starting to get to acceptance. I had to experience this for both the use of alcohol, the consequences AND the affair. I still, some years out have found that I only feel worse when I beat myself up for where I am not, and don't step back and appreciate how far I have come.
There are a variety of books on healing from both addiction and affairs that helped me. Also I found that healing from one helped healing from all.
For me the feelings toward your ex were part of my healing process. They felt mean, petty and uncomfortable, but I had to feel them to get through it. I did not want to get stuck in those emotions, but it was important for me to have room to have them.
I found counseling in addition to Al-Anon really helpful.
A statistic that I found very helpful in affair recovery was this. It takes 2-5 years to recover from infidelity. I also came to learn about the grief cycle and found the cycle for me to be very true. I had to experience (a variety of times). Denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance. I did denial once, bargaining, anger and depression a couple of times and am starting to get to acceptance. I had to experience this for both the use of alcohol, the consequences AND the affair. I still, some years out have found that I only feel worse when I beat myself up for where I am not, and don't step back and appreciate how far I have come.
There are a variety of books on healing from both addiction and affairs that helped me. Also I found that healing from one helped healing from all.
For me the feelings toward your ex were part of my healing process. They felt mean, petty and uncomfortable, but I had to feel them to get through it. I did not want to get stuck in those emotions, but it was important for me to have room to have them.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
Your focus seems to be so much on him, his family, his girlfriend, your anger.
Understandable, but I wonder how your kids are faring in all this?
Perhaps if you put more attention and loving energy their way,
everything would start to get a bit better.
You obviously care very much for their safety and well-being.
Daily fun and attention from the one parent left is critical right now,
and if you are also working, when is their time?
It might help all of you. . . please take care.
Understandable, but I wonder how your kids are faring in all this?
Perhaps if you put more attention and loving energy their way,
everything would start to get a bit better.
You obviously care very much for their safety and well-being.
Daily fun and attention from the one parent left is critical right now,
and if you are also working, when is their time?
It might help all of you. . . please take care.
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