need some ESH about RAH moving back home
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 78
dandylion, you didn't misrepresent. I understood that you meant serious changes would take years.
Tonight, he came to my daughter's game and I realized that he is a depressive state. I was able to detach from his pressure and see him more clearly. I so appreciate the responses on this thread. It reminded me that my focus needs to be on myself and my kids. I told my kids today that they could decide when/if he can come home. I'm too easily manipulated at this time.
Tonight, he came to my daughter's game and I realized that he is a depressive state. I was able to detach from his pressure and see him more clearly. I so appreciate the responses on this thread. It reminded me that my focus needs to be on myself and my kids. I told my kids today that they could decide when/if he can come home. I'm too easily manipulated at this time.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think it is totally unfair for you to put that burden on your kids. YOU are the adult, it is YOUR responsibility to decide whether or not he comes home. If you are too easily manipulated, then get some support to grow a backbone. Certainly they should feel they can talk to you about their feelings about whether he comes home, and certainly you should take those feelings into account, but it is on YOU to make the decision.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear mry---I'm guessing that you are in some kind of funk tonight....I wouldn't be surprised--you have had a lot thrown at you today--a lot to digest. It is easy to get so beaten down and confused---almost paralized to make decisions.
I believe that after a good night's sleep that you will remember how children tend to blame everything on themselves when the family is in turmoil. They should be shielded from adult worry over things they can't control---and making adult decisions. If it is too much for you to deal with---You KNOW that it is too much for them.
I understand that your emotions are probably all over the place, right now.
You don't have to make any decision tonight. Tomorrow is a new day.
Get a night's sleep and face this fresh tomorrow.
You don't have to go through this alone.
dandylion
I believe that after a good night's sleep that you will remember how children tend to blame everything on themselves when the family is in turmoil. They should be shielded from adult worry over things they can't control---and making adult decisions. If it is too much for you to deal with---You KNOW that it is too much for them.
I understand that your emotions are probably all over the place, right now.
You don't have to make any decision tonight. Tomorrow is a new day.
Get a night's sleep and face this fresh tomorrow.
You don't have to go through this alone.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Hi Mry,
I am an adult child of an alcoholic as well as a recovering codependent who married a man who developed addiction and eventually had to divorce him after much angst, guilt, seperation, reconciliations and the associated pain of those events.
After raising my children myself and avoiding relationships until they were adults I enmeshed myself in another relationship with a recovering alcoholic for 4 years. It was a huge mistake and poor judgment on my part but in looking back the relationship and its insanity resulted in who I am today... someone who found herself and unraveled a lot of pain and repressed issues from my family of origin.
The roller coaster of insanity and the mental exhaustion of dealing with the partner who is alcoholic and usually dual diagnosis took a great toll on me and my now adult children who suffered with their own childish, irresponsible, immature father their entire life only to watch their mother repeat the same mistake!
Fortunately, despite my own poor judgment I did have my children in counseling as children and they are both non-addictive despite the huge amount of genetic potential for that and have very healthy relationships and wise beyond their years in social IQ. The cycle of addictive relationships was broken with this generation.... mostly with the lack of respect having seen their father through their eyes as they grew up and realized how really pathetic he is.
And that is what I wanted to share with you ... that as an old timer in Alanon and recovery as a codependant the most important goal you can have is to insure you have a strong network of recovery surrounding your children and yourself. As they grow up with a potential dual diagnosis father either in their home full time or as divorced parent they will suffer... they will most likely suffer more with him in the home unless he is in AUTHENTIC recovery and if he is in genuine and authentic recovery you will know this... the selfish, demanding, manipulating addict will become a memory.
Words are not needed... promises... manipulations when authentic recovery is in action because you will sense it, feel it and see it in what he does... it is a program of action.
My second love whom I adored when sober was often in recovery but he would choose to abandon it for his true love... alcohol and the beast would reappear. He would be the most amazing, kind, wonderful person... I adored him sober... but that person always chose to leave his sweet loving personality for the beast. The longest he made it sober was 9 months. The norm was 3 months but sometimes he made it 4, 6 or 7 months before the nightmare would begin again.
Life is uncertain. Life with an active alcoholic is hell. Life with a recovering alcoholic is not pretty nor easy and certainly no guarantee of last, permanent change!
A year is almost impossible for someone not committed to authentic recovery... a pretender cannot make it!!!!
That is why the year window of relative peace of the "wait and see what will really be revealed" is so very, very good for you and most especially good for your children.
If only I had made that choice from that beginning... a one year window of NOT living together and letting the addict find his own path and recovery. This is critical because if they cannot maintain recovery and sobriety without YOU then you will automatically start to drift into trying to control their recovery and the sick pattern starts all over again.
Take care of those children by protecting them from a family of origin that will haunt them and scar them for the rest of their life. Use all of your resources to be the GREAT example of how to establish healthy boundaries that pattern loving but firm standards of behavior for all members of the family. Help those children understand the disease that is affecting their family so harmfully and why you must help their dad by allowing him the dignity to find his own way out of addiction... or not find his way out if that becomes his choice.
Time is your friend. Do not be pressured! Does he want a divorce? Good. If he gets his act together he can come back and court you like the gentleman you WANT for the rest of your life! Or not.
Don't settle. Don't give in to manipulation. Don't make the mistakes I made.
One year. In one year you will know. You will have all the answers you need.
And my ex? He is killing himself in Vegas drinking and gambling. He sends me pictures and he is bloated and his mind is going. This gifted writer who used to pen amazing romantic poetry to me cannot string together a sentence hardly. He sends me the same pictures because his memory is going. This beautiful man made the choice to return to the poison after 9 months of sobriety. And I do believe he will truly die this time. He does not want to go back to AA... he wants to drink. I don't think he every really broke up with alcohol... sigh.
They can learn how to be sober, they can talk the talk, they can string together some white knuckled time but they can't do a year if they are not committed and really authentically doing a strong program of recovery.
So... even if he starts looking like a recovery rock star.... one year. one year.
Thats my E, S and H. Not a fairy tale but its the truth and for those of us who have been there... we want to share so you can avoid our poor choices.
I am an adult child of an alcoholic as well as a recovering codependent who married a man who developed addiction and eventually had to divorce him after much angst, guilt, seperation, reconciliations and the associated pain of those events.
After raising my children myself and avoiding relationships until they were adults I enmeshed myself in another relationship with a recovering alcoholic for 4 years. It was a huge mistake and poor judgment on my part but in looking back the relationship and its insanity resulted in who I am today... someone who found herself and unraveled a lot of pain and repressed issues from my family of origin.
The roller coaster of insanity and the mental exhaustion of dealing with the partner who is alcoholic and usually dual diagnosis took a great toll on me and my now adult children who suffered with their own childish, irresponsible, immature father their entire life only to watch their mother repeat the same mistake!
Fortunately, despite my own poor judgment I did have my children in counseling as children and they are both non-addictive despite the huge amount of genetic potential for that and have very healthy relationships and wise beyond their years in social IQ. The cycle of addictive relationships was broken with this generation.... mostly with the lack of respect having seen their father through their eyes as they grew up and realized how really pathetic he is.
And that is what I wanted to share with you ... that as an old timer in Alanon and recovery as a codependant the most important goal you can have is to insure you have a strong network of recovery surrounding your children and yourself. As they grow up with a potential dual diagnosis father either in their home full time or as divorced parent they will suffer... they will most likely suffer more with him in the home unless he is in AUTHENTIC recovery and if he is in genuine and authentic recovery you will know this... the selfish, demanding, manipulating addict will become a memory.
Words are not needed... promises... manipulations when authentic recovery is in action because you will sense it, feel it and see it in what he does... it is a program of action.
My second love whom I adored when sober was often in recovery but he would choose to abandon it for his true love... alcohol and the beast would reappear. He would be the most amazing, kind, wonderful person... I adored him sober... but that person always chose to leave his sweet loving personality for the beast. The longest he made it sober was 9 months. The norm was 3 months but sometimes he made it 4, 6 or 7 months before the nightmare would begin again.
Life is uncertain. Life with an active alcoholic is hell. Life with a recovering alcoholic is not pretty nor easy and certainly no guarantee of last, permanent change!
A year is almost impossible for someone not committed to authentic recovery... a pretender cannot make it!!!!
That is why the year window of relative peace of the "wait and see what will really be revealed" is so very, very good for you and most especially good for your children.
If only I had made that choice from that beginning... a one year window of NOT living together and letting the addict find his own path and recovery. This is critical because if they cannot maintain recovery and sobriety without YOU then you will automatically start to drift into trying to control their recovery and the sick pattern starts all over again.
Take care of those children by protecting them from a family of origin that will haunt them and scar them for the rest of their life. Use all of your resources to be the GREAT example of how to establish healthy boundaries that pattern loving but firm standards of behavior for all members of the family. Help those children understand the disease that is affecting their family so harmfully and why you must help their dad by allowing him the dignity to find his own way out of addiction... or not find his way out if that becomes his choice.
Time is your friend. Do not be pressured! Does he want a divorce? Good. If he gets his act together he can come back and court you like the gentleman you WANT for the rest of your life! Or not.
Don't settle. Don't give in to manipulation. Don't make the mistakes I made.
One year. In one year you will know. You will have all the answers you need.
And my ex? He is killing himself in Vegas drinking and gambling. He sends me pictures and he is bloated and his mind is going. This gifted writer who used to pen amazing romantic poetry to me cannot string together a sentence hardly. He sends me the same pictures because his memory is going. This beautiful man made the choice to return to the poison after 9 months of sobriety. And I do believe he will truly die this time. He does not want to go back to AA... he wants to drink. I don't think he every really broke up with alcohol... sigh.
They can learn how to be sober, they can talk the talk, they can string together some white knuckled time but they can't do a year if they are not committed and really authentically doing a strong program of recovery.
So... even if he starts looking like a recovery rock star.... one year. one year.
Thats my E, S and H. Not a fairy tale but its the truth and for those of us who have been there... we want to share so you can avoid our poor choices.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 78
Lexicat, I appreciate your comments. My kids do not want their dad to come home. My telling them that they could decide was meant to relieve their worry that I would let him come back before they felt okay with that decision. It was not meant to transfer the burden of the decision to their shoulders.
dandylion, thank you for your kindness. Your point is well taken and I'm sure that I'm not shielding them enough. Thankfully, they do not blame themselves and truly get that their dad has some serious problems.
Hopeworks, that was really helpful. My RAH has never made it past 9 months and he is approaching that point. One year was my decision when he moved out. I loved what you said - when/if he is in true recovery I will know.
Thanks for my online backbone adjustment.
dandylion, thank you for your kindness. Your point is well taken and I'm sure that I'm not shielding them enough. Thankfully, they do not blame themselves and truly get that their dad has some serious problems.
Hopeworks, that was really helpful. My RAH has never made it past 9 months and he is approaching that point. One year was my decision when he moved out. I loved what you said - when/if he is in true recovery I will know.
Thanks for my online backbone adjustment.
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