izzyrose05

I'm a 42 year old single Mom and my fiancé just fell off the wagon for the third time in a little over a year. He drinks at least a fifth of vodka a day. Each time, he makes it longer in sobriety. First time was two months, then three and this last time he made it four. When he is sober, he is the most kind, patient, loving and generous man in the world. When he is drunk he is almost psychotic (he is paranoid and delusional about me in particular), angry, aggressive and has been violent in the past when I tried to argue with him. (I learned my lesson the hard way..I know better now). We don't live together but we have been planning our life together. I thought this last time he could really do it. It seems whenever our lives get too complicated and stressed and there is an excessive amount of stress with all of our individual responsibilities, he turns to vodka. I gave him money to save for me as I am not good at saving. It was my new furniture money for my children and I as we just moved. Now that he is drunk, he wont give me my money and threatens to sell all of my belongings in storage. (yes, it's in his name). I believed in his ability to stay sober this time. I believed that to love is to put my trust in him. I'm scared of what will happen to my belongings and he has now cut me off and refuses to speak to me. The last thing he texted to me was that I "tried to kill him and that if I ever tried to come near him or his son again he would get a PPO on me".
I am beside myself. We go from happy and loving and planning to complete and utter destruction of a relationship. My brain tells me that when he gets sober again he will come to his senses. My brain tells me I can't go back to him. Or maybe he never will come to his senses. I don't know how he can justify blaming me for his inability to stay sober. I did put pressure on him to make a commitment. He did propose afterall, but now I'm the evil one. I think he really believes it. I'm sure I wont get my money back. I'm so scared and hurt. I know this man loves me. I'm not sure how long he can drink a fifth of vodka a day and not lose his jobs and his son. I feel cut off and isolated. I want to try to talk to him. Get him to see what he is doing to his life and to us. But I think it's too late. I'm tired, I'm now going to have to face the end of this but there is still a part of me that wants to believe he can do this? The periods between his drunk benders which usually last for about three weeks are getting longer. Does that mean anything? I'm scared for him as his drinking is so excessive, he literally stops functioning within a week or so of when he relapses. It's been 6 days so far. What is wrong with me that I am so sad over being rejected by an active alcoholic. I should be running in the opposite direction and being thankful he only got my money. But I just KNOW there is good in there. I KNOW when he is sober he is worth it. I'm so confused. I don't know if he will contact me or not. Don't know if I should try to contact him or not. My emotions go from anger, to sad, to hurt over and over. Not even sure why I'm writing other than to just vent I guess.

Hollyanne

Sounds like a bit more than alcoholism here.
Just take time out to take care of yourself and your children for the moment.
Let him run his course.
Don't contact him or respond to his texts/phonecalls.
You really need to consider what effect this relationship is having on your children too.
Read here. There are some amazing people at SR.
When he has cooled his jets, get your money, get your stuff in your name and get away from this relationship for a while.
He has a long road ahead and while you might want to help, you can't.
Also, who is looking out for his son?
Does the son have somewhere safe to go?
Again, not your responsibility to take care of the son, but you do have to get the mother/grandparents/aunts/uncles to take over.
Best of luck to you, and welcome to Sober Recovery.

LexieCat

Ditto what Hollyanne said (including the welcome!).

The periods of "sobriety" mean little unless he is working a recovery program. Since you haven't mentioned it, I assume he is trying to do it on willpower alone, with has notoriously poor staying power.

Chances are that his threats to keep your money and destroy your stuff are empty ones. Know this: an alcoholic CANNOT be trusted--until he has a substantial length of SOLID sobriety (longer than a year, and that holds up in spite of stresses). The world is full of stressors. For ALL of us. If he can't deal with stress without drinking, he isn't truly sober.

And yes--this situation is horrible for the kids--all of them.

Hammer

wow. "Mom" in the first line, and I did not catch a thing about the kids.

Just him/drunk/him/drunk/him/drunk.

jmho. Kids come first. Take care of the kids.

Why do you think you need a him/drunk/him/drunk/him/drunk in your life, anyway?

btw, welcome to the site.

AnvilheadII

if I threw a 3 carat diamond in a swamp full of alligators, would you go get it? of course not...because the diamond isn't worth the RISK.

this is a man who cannot get the upper hand on his alcoholism and has obvious ANGER issues, has purpatrated violence against your person, threatens you and is now withholding your money from you and your belongings. the diamond is very small compared to the mouths of the alligators.

thank goodness you don't live together - that means you and and your children are safe from his rage. you may not ever see that money again, which is an expensive lesson but one well worth learning, never put any one else in charge of your finances or your future.

you said the periods of drunkenness/bingeing are getting longer and does that mean anything. YES, alcoholism is progressive...it goes one way only, WORSE. your children deserve a SAFE and SECURE environment. and a raging drunken maniac is neither safe nor secure.

stay away.
stay safe.

LexieCat

Anvil, I think what she said is that the periods of "sobriety" (not drinking) in BETWEEN the binges were getting longer, and did that mean anything. IOW, is it a sign he may be getting better.

My feeling was no.

DG0409

Sounds to me like you KNOW what to do.

I just KNOW that there is BAD in there, too. (I can tell from the things you've written.) He's NOT sober. He's NOT worth it.

And he's more than a drunk. I was a drunk, but I never would have kept somebody else's money. That just makes him a F***ing jerk! I worked and paid for my own alcohol! And I wouldn't have kept somebody else's stuff if it was in my storage, either.

izzyrose05

Yes, I know what I must do. I am saying goodbye. OF COURSE my kids come first. I promised they would NEVER see him or be around him like that and they never have. I also promised my oldest if he fell off the wagon again after the second time, I was gone. I'm gone. I was hoping we could do it without anger and rage. I am hoping when he sobers up we can say goodbye amicably. As for working a program. He did work AA. Think he made 88 meetings in 88 days before he fell off the wagon the second time. This last time, he did not work a program. He said they made him feel bad about his Alcoholism and that he felt that he was more than JUST an Alcoholic and his group never seemed to focus on anything good. Everyone was always talking about what horrible people they had been for years and years. He said he found it helpful to a point. Important to have as part of recovery but he did not see it as necessary to be all of his recovery. I meditate and make time to do things for myself when I am stressed. I told him he had to give something up in his life because he has no time between taking care of his son, two jobs and a relationship with me. There was no down time and he has not learned any coping skills. I offered to help him learn meditation. I encouraged him to go back to his church. He didn't do any of those things. He just worked worked and worked. It's just very sad. I do hope for closure. Leaving things this way is so hurtful. I don't care too much about the money. I would seriously be upset if I lost my furniture. I have heirlooms in their and now I know he can never be trusted again. At least not without a solid recovery period in place. But I promised my kids I'd walk away. He let them down. I don't believe he is in denial, I'm just not sure he cares much anymore. His son is 23 with severe Cerebral Palsy and requires total care. He has raised his son on his own since his son was 5 and mom took off. He does everything from bathing to feeding to brushing his sons teeth every single day. He struggles to find caregivers so he can work his own business and go to a job. There are caregivers in his sons life that know of his Dad's disease and they usually swarm in to help out until Dad sobers up again. I love his son, but I can't do much about it. I have my girls to raise. It is what it is. I am grateful for finding this site to help me process and find support. Not much time in my life for Alanon meetings though I am desperate to go. Thank you for your support. And yes, I meant the periods BETWEEN relapses were getting longer. I was hopeful in meant progress. Doesn't matter anyway.

LexieCat

Just so you know, izzy, going to lots of meetings isn't "working a program"--"working a program" means working the 12 Steps, which is what gets rid of all the shame. It's far from negative and depressing. If all he was doing was sitting in a chair at meetings, I'm not surprised he didn't get much out of it. That doesn't CHANGE anything, though it does help, to a degree, as he said.

Keep taking good care of YOU, and I really suggest that Al-Anon would be helpful to you.

Recovering2

I'm sorry for what you're going through Izzy...but glad you're realizing that you have to leave the situation for the sake of your kids. This is a heart breaking disease, and it's hard to learn to get out of the way and let people make their choices...even when they make really bad choices. The A loves one thing at the end of the day...alcohol. Lexie is right...going to meetings does not equate real recovery. It's been my experience that the A will find all kinds of reasons why AA or treatment isn't for them....just means they aren't ready to embrace real recovery.

I would suggest, for now, that you go no contact. Focus on you and your kids, and leave him to his Higher Power. Find an AlAnon group, start working on your own recovery.

BlueSkies1

This sounds like a rather extreme case. Complete sobriety for several months and then complete drunkenness with paranoia and threats. Inbetween, yes I can see he's a good man, taking care of his very needy son, and two jobs. I think you are very right that part of his problem is no down-time from all of that. He's taken on too much.
I think you need damage control at this point for your own things in storage and the money he is holding for you. If he's very angry at this inubriated stage, yes, he may spend your money. There's a good chance that he won't mess with your things in storage because that actually is work, to even get rid of your furniture.
My damage control suggestion is that you ride this drunken period out as best you can, being as non-abrasive as you can until he gets sober again. I personally wouldn't refuse to answer his attempts at contacting you, but I would try to simply be agreeable, meaning non-abrasive but not agreeing to any harm done. If you keep yourself busy until he sobers up, and he is obviously busy enough with drinking with everything else he has going on, these weeks may hopefully fly by.
Then it is going to be time for that talk once he is sober. Not until then if you can avoid it, because he sounds very threatening and paranoid.
Once sober, get your money back first if you can. Get your things. Open your own storage unit near his to move your stuff quickly as possible with as little effort as possible to move that stuff.
Then I would tell him that you can't go on like this. I would gently suggest he seeks counseling. (I do think that he is suffering from something more than alcoholism--as I think most alcoholics are). His mood swings, and they way they cycle, makes me wonder if he won't be diagnosed with bipolar or something like that.
But it's up to him to seek out that help. You know you can only suggest it.

I agree with you that you have to end things as they are now. It sounds very emotionally damaging to you and impossible to go forward with any wedding plans.
I am sorry this has happened to you but glad you had the common sense to come here and seek your own help before you married him. You're stronger than you know! Smarter too!

m1k3

I was married for 36 years to an alcoholic. In the beginning it wasn't obvious but as the years rolled on it got worse and worse. My advice based on my experience is run away.

You have already traveled several miles into hell, and bringing your kids with you no less, it is much easier now to turn around and walk out. The more you walk in, the more you commit to this relationship, the harder it will be to leave.

Your friend,

Cyranoak

You are engaged to an alcoholic who drinks a fifth a day. And you have a child. Are you really planning to bring that man further into your child's life? For the love of God please reconsider. I'm at the other end of the decision you are planning to make and I'll never be able to make it up to my daughter or myself (my now alcoholic/addict daughter). If you love your child at all, if they are even slightly important, please make a different decision. You are at the edge of the abyss that leads to hell on earth. Are you really going to jump voluntarily and drag your child down with you?

And please, if you haven't already, try some Alanon meetings. They are for you, not him.

Ltlys

Hey Izzy...Just reading your story now. I am so sorry that you are going through this situation.
I just wanted to tell u a small portion of my story and what I have come to realize in the last month and a half.
Because my AB's illness had progressed to the point where I was terrified for his life, I was forced to give him an ultimatum for my girl's sake. I wasn't however the one to deliver this ultimatum directly. I knew I needed to enlist other family members of his. They were all males. His BIL, his BIL's brother, his BIL's father (who happens to be a RA himself, and actually does a bit of volunteering for an area treatment facility) and a co- worker (who is a RA). All of these guys agreed it was time to do something. I just couldnt keep my children in this environment anymore. I knew this had to come from others, besides myself, or he wouldnt even consider getting some help. I did say that he had to get some help or he had to move out of my home.
Apparently, after a lot of discussion he agreed to go. They took him that evening. I was surprised that he agreed. Only a small part of me was relieved though, because I knew he would hold a a lot of resentment toward me a out it. That was the 3rd of May (a Friday). He called me only one time (the following Thursday) to tell me he was moving out upon his return, he did not want me to come visit, and he did not want to do any counseling sessions with me. I was COMPLETELY DEVESTATED.
I sent him a text one day saying how badly I missed him. This was his exact response to that text: "I know. I did what everyone wanted me to do. Now I have a program to work while I'm here and when I'm done." That was it as far as contact with me. One phone call and one text.
May 31st, he got out of treatment, came to my house, loaded up all his belongings and moved to a nearby town to live with his BIL's brother. (One of the guys who took him)
I have no idea whatsoever if he is working a program. I have not see. Or heard from him since that day. I learned during the time he was in treatment that 1 week prior to the day he left that he had bought a ring and was going to propose on the "Birthday trip" to Key West that I surprised him with. That trip was for the end of this month (June). I felt my whole sense of being slide from my body when I heard that. That was all I ever wanted was for us to be a family. I felt numb. I felt like I ruined my shot at finally getting my dream.
I had to cancel the trip. A non-refundable, non-transferable trip I might add. That put a dent in the pocketbook (ouch!)
I guess what finally helped, if only just a little, was knowing that if none of this would have happened, I would have accepted the proposal of an active/ progressing Alcoholic. No doubt I would have married him and, would have probably ended up going through even more hell than I feel I already have.
A blessing in disguise I suppose. I hate that saying sometimes! Maybe the no contact is his only way of staying sober. Im not sure. Im trying my hardest to "Detach with Love" here. Its so hard. I have been attending Al- Anon and it is helping to view things a little differently now. So has SR! Im learning and working each day.
Hang in there... Give ur girls hugs whenever u feel down. Go to Al Anon! Keep posting here. I myself am hoping to "Give time time"!!!! Only one being that gets control of the situation... It sure as Heck is 't me!

izzyrose05

Thank you Ltlys,

We will both survive. It's all just so sad and it just is what it is. Can't wait for the day when I can stop thinking about him and the situation so much. It consumes me. I have to force it out of my mind. I know this will all end, It just can't happen soon enough. Goodluck to you sweetheart.

NYCDoglvr

Two qualities shared by alcoholics and codependents are denial and rationalization. I hope you don't screw up your life by hanging on to an alcoholic. God bless.

izzyrose05

No, not in denial, though perhaps a bit codependent. Thanks for your blunt assessment. I know what I need to do. I'm already doing it. Just processing it all with the help of you folks. Thanks