Brokentapestry

I feel done. It seems logical and realistic. He is an active addict, who even after 6 overdoses that required hospitalization and 3 separate rehabs, still "doesn't even know if he is an alcoholic". He's obviously not done drinking. But I want to be done dealing with this nonsense. That sounds strong and good.

But...what if? Am I really ready to make a permenant change?

So, how did you know that you were really finished?

LexieCat

Well, you "want to be done dealing with this nonsense." You sound pretty ready to me, on an emotional level, anyway.

Have you talked to a lawyer yet? That might be a good first step to determine whether you are financially and practically ready to be done.

I knew I was done because I felt pretty much the way you do. No prospect of anything changing, he had already had one near-death experience from drinking, and I wasn't up for another one. He was out of work and not looking, while I was holding down one job and looking for another. I would come home to find him passed out on the sofa, repeatedly. He signed a renewal of a lease on a house I had told him we could no longer afford. I'd had it. Sounds like you have, too.

Brokentapestry

Thanks LexieCat. I've gotten referrals for lawyers, but haven't yet called anyone. That feels really final to me, and I'm scared to make that step and admit that my marriage is over.

LexieCat

Think of it as a fact-finding mission. You need to know where you would stand, financially, if you decide that you are ready to file. You may decide not to do that for a while. But even a separation can have financial consequences, and it's best to know what all your options are.

Knowledge is power. Having a consultation with a lawyer obligates you to nothing. But it might give you ideas about planning for the eventuality that you will decide to divorce at some time in the future. Sometimes fear can hold us back from taking steps that can allow us to have a better life. Knowledge helps dispel the fear.

sunshine17

Change is hard. My thoughts are with you. All I can say is that you need to do what is best for you. It won't be easy either way.

sunnshinegirl

I think each of us reaches that decision in our own way and time. It's taken me years but I finally just had enough of living with constant anger around me and feeling like a prisoner and not being able to even open my mouth without getting yelled at. I think my need for peace just overcame my feelings for my AH. It's not easy at all and lots of pain involved. I wish you the best and there are wonderful people on this board to help you through.

outonalimb

I understand...going to a lawyer seems like a big step but Lexie is right...just look at it as a fact-finding mission. You can't make an informed decision without good information. This is important, no doubt. But there is also the emotional side of preparedness. For this, I went to al anon, found a sponsor, worked the steps, and really worked on changing MYSELF.

Have you tried al anon??

sunnshinegirl

I called a lawyer for a consult and when I did it felt like a betrayal and I was spilling secrets but it was the best decision I've ever made. I got a clear picture of my legal rights and responsibilities and could make a more informed decision. Doesn't mean you have to act on the information until you are ready but it really does help.

fluffyflea

You just know, you are calm,cool and collected not emotionally upset when you think about being done.

dandylion

Yes, Brokentapestry, I think we often cling to the comfort of our familiar pain, rather than face our fears of the future---Even when our present is miserable and the future could bring us a better life. Then, it becomes the "fear of the fear". Winston Churchill famously said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself".

It is useful to ask yourself--in hoinesty--what you are afraid of. Once you can adm it to yourself what you are afraid of---then make a list on paper. This becomes your "to do" list. Then you face each fear--one little baby step at a time. Seeing a lawyer could be a first step. (more like a moderately big step, than a tiny one). Lexie is sooo right---knowledge is power.

When did I know it was over---It was a lightbulb moment when I realized that I would have no identity--ever---if I stayed with this man. In that moment, thinking of living the rest of my life unable to be myself and never being happy again--it seemed l ike death for me. I announced that I was through and went to see a lawyer the next day. That was a verrrry long time ago. I have never regretted that decision.

I can tell you this---living with active alcoholism in your daily life is 100 x harder than living without it!!!

dandylion

bless5

I knew I was done when I decided that I was so very unhappy in the marriage, and i was going to be happy..... With or without him. It was no longer about him, it was about me and my happiness. And I wasn't happy with an obnoxious ass of a husband. He wasn't the man I married anymore and life's too short to be miserable. He knew i was done. i wasnt in love with him anymore. i didnt make threats, just stated facts. if he continued to drink i was leaving our 25 year marriage, end of story. My RAH has been sober almost 5 years and the kind, loving man I married is back. But, and this is a big BUT, he knows I would still leave in a heartbeat if he starts drinking again, cause this girls not into reruns!

AlAnon and the book Courage to Change did wonders for me! Wishing you strength and love!

honeypig

When I found out what had actually been going on w/my RAH(he was a very successfully closeted drinker), I was angry. When he had no intention of getting sober, I was REALLY angry and ready to divorce him that very second. I was advised by cooler heads at Alanon to take a year of working MY program to consider things and get a clearer and less emotional picture (I was not in any physical or financial danger, and it is a nearly 20-year marriage, hence the advice to take time in deciding). That is what I'm trying to do, just observe as impartially as possible and get my side of the street cleaned up. The idea is to make a decision based on facts, not emotion.

At a meeting, I heard a woman say pretty much what Earthworm said above--When she was done, she knew it. She said she never looked back; it was just set in stone and she knew.

At the same meeting, interestingly enough, another woman had been given the same advice as I had been given, only it was many years ago. She had NEVER gotten to the point where she was calm and cool and knew for sure that the marriage was over, thus had stayed and continued to work her program, and that was a decision of a different kind.

I'd also like to second those saying that seeing an attorney can be a fact-finding mission, and even if you decide to file, I believe you can stop divorce proceedings pretty much any time up to the final decree, yes? So there is really nothing to lose by checking into your options and being prepared if/when you decide to file. It may feel like a betrayal or feel too final, but we are after facts, not feelings, here, right?

Wishing you strength and clarity w/this situation!

LifeRecovery

I actually was pretty emotional when I knew....but it was an emotion I had not felt a lot of yet.

I was angry. I was done thinking it was all my fault. I had laid down a boundary (not a threat a boundary) and it had been crossed. For me the anger allowed me to take care of myself for the first time.

I was not ready for this a moment before however. Luckily when it happened I was on my way to a therapist appt.

I did go to a lawyer as a question finding situation....and then did not "use" their services for another number of months.

Hammer

WHEN was/is it enough?

And what justifies and makes it so?

Good question(s). We have hit around variations of that discussions probably 10 times on here in the last month.

I am kind of seeing it as the end shot of a High School basketball game. Somewhere in the upper MidWest. Snow drifted up 3 or 4 feet on the doors, and with the heat full on and most of the town crowded in the gym, it still only 50 degrees F in the gym, but nobody cares. Score near tied and just before final buzzer goes off, a kid launches a shot from near half-court. The ball is just hanging . . . hanging . . . and sailing towards the goal, with the final buzzer drowning out crowd noise . . . and . . .

Hammer looks around and says -- F. It. I am soooo tired of this f-ed up game. I just don't care anymore -- and starts walking towards the door.

Here is what I am thinking . . . .

You just say F-it. I do not care. I am so tired of this game. F-it.

-------------------

Back to packing for the kids' vacation.

Linkmeister

I was told by people wiser than me that only you will know when it's over.

I knew I was done when, after yet another drunken tirade directed at me, I said the words "it's over" to him - all I felt then was relief and a giant weight lifted from my shoulders.

The anger and resentment toward him that had dogged me for so long in our relationship was replaced with a feeling of calmness and determination to live my life on my terms, not based on whether he was about to relapse, whether he was actively drinking or detoxing from another binge.

That was two years ago and throughout that time, I took some upgrading courses, made lots of friends, went to meetings, worked, and for the first time, enjoyed myself and the life I had carved out. Throughout that time, I saw him occasionally in a store or out in town and each time, I knew he was still drinking. Those times confirmed that I had made the right decision to leave him as I knew that he had no desire to stop drinking.

Now, my life has gone through another positive change, proving that all things happen for a reason. I had moved across the country 4 1/2 years ago to be with my EXABF and this winter, had the misfortune to get laid off of a job it took me forever to find. So, using the tools I learned in Al-Anon, I sat down, made a list of pros and cons and made the decision to move cross country once again, back to my hometown. Best decision I made and I am happier here once again, bought a house and am settling in.

For me, the end was a beginning, a journey, one that I was destined to take and I have no regrets about my decision to move back and forth, the time we were together and finally, to leave the EXABF and to make the move I did.

Brokentapestry

Hi everyone. Thanks for the replies. I feel done, but keep hearing a voice in my head saying but it has only been six months. What if this time is the real time? What if he pulls himself together, and can finally be the man that I want, and I've already left?

That looks dumb when I write it down.

Ugh. I hate this, and am feeling anything but calm.

AnvilheadII

honestly? chances are quite "high" he will NEVER be the man you WANT. he'll just be the man you have.

my last husband, great guy, while I was never CRAZEEE in love with him, I admired him, respected him, found him quite adorable at times. we were together a total of 14 years. got married at the 7 yr mark...when he had proposed I didn't WANT to say yes, I just didn't know how to say NO. for chrissake, we were at high tea at the empress hotel in Victoria, celebrating our "anniversary" - all these people around in this very public setting and his holding out a ring box.

the DAY we got married I realized i'd made a mistake. however, having just committed myself, I made the best of it. after all, he was a good guy. it was ME who didn't belong, didn't fit, didn't want to be there.

so I planned, and strategized, and cut expenses and saved, and kept a running spreadsheet on WHEN we could each afford our own stuff without being together. plus I had a daughter going thru high school and then off to college and I didn't want to rock HER boat.

a "mere" 7 years later, I was ready to go. mike was never gonna be the man I WANTED, whatever that was. it wasn't him who failed to live up to my expectations....we just no longer belonged together. and so I left...and I have never looked back. not one single iota of remorse. I gave him the house, with the recently remodeled kitchen and bath, the dogs, an exceptional credit score, a ford pickup that I had traded my mother's CORVETTE for, and the ability to survive on his own.

and I got a little cinder block apt in the ghetto, with the car alarms and mariachi music blaring.....and LOVED IT. I took the bare minimum from the house, went shopping at the dollar store, didn't even have a stereo. and reclaimed MY life.

LexieCat

You said, in your first post, that "he is obviously not done drinking." Whatever makes you think his recovery is imminent? You said he is still an active addict.

It's sort of like throwing every cent you own into a slot machine. After all, "What if one of these is about to hit the jackpot?" Seriously. With no evidence of serious intent to change, that's about what your reasoning amounts to.

Brokentapestry

Anvil, get out of my head. You're freaking me out. You've written my story. I didn't want to say yes either. I'm just too much of a good girl to say no. It would have been rude.

AnvilheadII

you'll love this then....so after much angst and fret over having THE TALK...i'd say this, he'd say that, he'd be all crushed, i'd try to be reassuring, he'd beg for counseling....etc etc....I mean after all he LOVED me right? he'd be hurt, crushed, despondent, desperate.

so I say to him that i'm thinking of leaving "for a while" - he said, ok when? I said, probably within the next couple weeks.

he said, do you want to borrow my truck?

seriously dude? that's all you got? I was....stunned. yes I wanted to leave, but GEEZ, NO fight?

and that is how it ended. I left, I offered to show him where I was living, he said nah...but I could have the coffee table and the nice(er) tv from the bedroom instead of the tiny one from the RV. and 14 years were....done, just like that.

did he hurt? I dunno. I presume so. i just left him in the best condition i could. and got on with MY life. which today is FABULOUS. this is my view from my life today....which was SO not what i envisioned when i left...it it what happened when i let LIFE happen!