mv6348

I am codependent of my ex boyfriend. Hard to admit, but I am. As time passes by, I know that the right thing to do was for us to go our separate ways. Currently, I am learning so much about myself and like a strander told me yesterday "these experiences will only teach you something about you for further life experiences"

I've written in SR before. In summary, I was with my ex boyfriend for 4 years. During this process, and with lots of help, he acknowledged he is an alcoholic. He tried many times recovery, and our relationship was very rocky. Deep down I knew it was rocky, but I still cared and was hopeful. Eighty six days ago, according to him, he began his recovery process and in this process he discovered he didn't love me so he broke up with me. Of course, it did hurt, because after everything we went trough, I loved him unconditionally and I all dreamed of was for him to get better and me be part of that journey.

Strangely enough, I had to contact him yesterday for a specific situation and I congratulated him for his 85 days of sobriety. He said to me, it is 75 and I was like "ehhh?" then he said, oh you may be right, it is 85. That was a wake up call for me, because even when I really want him to be healthy, better, he doesn't seem that committed because "How can you not know your days of sobriety?" -- anyhow, I had some signals that showed me he is still struggling in his own ways. As a codependent, this is hard to deal with because you want to be there for him, but I can't be his support anymore. I need to take care of myself.

I've been (and still) am a bit confused and hurt for what he has done and for what I've allowed him and myself to experience. I've been angry, sad, confused, you name it!

As a human being, I care for his well being. He is after all, not ok and even when I know that I will never understand his process, he is a person that I care for. However, as I embark this adventure, I am discovering a lot of things about myself...and yes, even when I miss him dearly and I am coping with this loss every day, I need to start from scratch and rebuilt myself.

I may not see it right now, I may still be hurt, I may miss him, but I know that every day that passes by I am one tiny step closer to feel my better self. It is a hard journey to take and to accept because I am letting go of a person I care for, a "dream" I had, experiences, memories, pain, support, family... in summary, I am letting go of 4 years of my life that were intensified with emotions

Tomorrow I will be going to my first Codependent Meeting anonymous and I am scared... because I know I have to dig deep and break this vicious cycle that is not letting me, be myself. I am just tired of not being myself and I am just terrified because I don't know me. I lost essence of who I was four years ago when I unconsciously gave my heart and soul to this man that couldn't take care it, because of course, he can't and doesn't even know how to take care of himself.

I don't know what to expect, but a step is a step.

dandylion

Dear mv, don't be ashamed to admit to having been co-dependant---you are among good company, here (LOL). Personally, I think co-dependents are great people to know--because of so many great qualties that they DO possess!!!

A recovering co-dependent can be a truly glorious creature.

mv, You are about to step over the doorstep into an exciting future all of your own.

Rejoice!

dandylion

wicked

Yes, this is hard to accept, but it is the whole truth.
That time has passed. It is gone.
Holding onto it only drags you down with it, like an anchor.
Stay in your boat. Afloat on the sea of recovery.

You sound ready.
And, I agree with dandylion, some of the best people I know are codependent!
(like me :rotfxko)

Beth

mv6348

Thank you so much. I am taking day by day, and it is hard.

As an individual, I care for him. But, because my emotions are involved, things get tricky.

I wan to say that he is sober, but truth to be told, I don't think he is. However, at this point, I shouldn't worry about it and I should just embrace the whole situation and move forward.

It takes time, and just like a good friend of mine says.... diamonds don't get shinny over night

Katiekate

Four years in a relationship with a A is a couple of lifetimes.

That chaos is extreme.

I'm still exhausted.

rry1177

MV, as someone who is also codependent and still in a relationship with an A, I wish you nothing but the best. Of course it hurts right now, but I believe you are on the right path.