Pacificbrz

What to do now?!? My bf will be leaving rehab soon I was contacted by a family member to let know he was doing well and committing to a long term recovery plan. I guess I'm trying to figure out what is next. I have decided to take a wait and see approach. I've just about come to terms that our relationship may end to allow him time to focus on his recovery. I can't pretend it won't hurt but I realize he has to do what is best for him. To be honest I'm not sure that is what is going to happen. So I do have reasonable expectations that we will stay in contact and possible a relationship. I am ok with that because I do believe we all deserve the opportunity to to make changes in our lives to better ourselves. I truly hope for his sake this is the path he will take. To protect myself if we continue to talk I want to know what is his plan to stay sober. I don't want to pressure him but it seems fair that we have open communication and he knows that I support him but I can only do this as long has he's trying to maintain his sobriety. I also thought it's best to focus on our friendship which really is the core of our relationship and not the future. I guess really take it day by day and not put pressure on ourselves. He's mentioned wanting me to go to AA with him to better understand his story and I guess how things work. I'm willing to go and want to be supportive because we all need a support team. Even in his toughest times he's always been a tremendous source of strength to me. After everything I've read I know this next year is critical to him and can be the difference between staying sober or not. I feel that if our relationship is meant to work...us taking time to focus on oursleves than things will happen as they are supposed to. So am I naive in my thoughts?!? I don't want to put pressure on him so I am not going to contact him and wait to see what he thinks he needs to that is best for him. What's best for me today I'm not sure and just take it one day at a time. I'm focusing on work, my kid and just life in general. In the end I want both of us to be happy... We want the same things in life and have talked about it a lot. Right now I realize he's not ready for that and we may never be on the same page it hurts to say that but it the truth and I know it. It maybe best to just walk away but he's truly a very beautiful friend to me and if I can help or support I would like to do it. It's almost like I've been able to detach my love and friendship for him but maybe it's been easier to do because we've be out of contact. I'm to the point now I'm not even sure of what I'm saying anymore. It's just been so difficult to see someone you love, like and care about struggle and seem out of control. I just pray he can get back on path because he's had many many years of sobriety in the past and would love for him to have his life back. I know I have mine and I can move forward without him it will be sad but I can do it. I don't know... Just trying to figure out what is next. I am going to tell him about this website. I'm not sure he knows about it but I see how helpful it is to so many including myself. Hopefully it will be beneficial to him

Recovering2

No one can tell you what do do in your relationship. Only you can decide if you leave or stay. I will share this...if you want to stay and try to make it worth you have to BOTH work on it It won't be enough for him to work on his recovery, you have to work on your side of things. Find an AlAnon meeting near you, and start working on your own side of the street. Try 6 meetings, they can be different locations, before deciding if it's for you or not. You're not in this relationship by accident.

The first year of recovery is difficult. I don't know how long your ABF has been in treatment, but the first 1-2 weeks they are usually still in a bit of a fog from detox. The real work doesn't start until they get home. So don't listen to what he says....watch what he does. He will need to continue AA and/or counseling. Expect mood swings as he adjusts to an alcohol free life. In the meantime, educate yourself. Honestly, if you're NC with him I would leave it at that. Get the message to him that he needs 1yr of recover before you talk...the leave him to his HP.

dandylion

Dear Pacific, Recovering2 has just posted exactly what I would like to say to you. The early recovery period (first year) is very stressful for most people. I advise to draw on the experience of those who have gone before you.

We are here for you any time you want to post. You are not alone.

sincerely, dandylion

Pacificbrz

Thank you for your kind words of support. Today has just one is those days dealing with the sadness of lost dreams, plans and hope. It's ok just part of life and one of those things to just keep moving forward and try not to look back. It could of been a lot worse especially after reading a lot of post. I really have had it easy. No violence, no mean hurtful words probably the worse of it all has been the silence and not knowing. It's just one of those things..my dad always told me to just suck up the bad and keep going. I guess some days will be easier than others.

AnvilheadII

i'd suggest NOT telling him about SR...this is YOUR safe haven and if he finds it on his own, which would demonstrate his effort to SEEK out other means to support HIS recovery so be it. what happens next in his journey is UP TO HIM. he's been in rehab, trust me, they've talked about support and meetings and options to help an addict stay clean.

treat your own life as if YOU just got out of rehab. be consumed with making your own life all that you wish it could be. with no contingencies. pour your energy into assuring your child's life...health, happiness, joy, education. take care of you and your child and all else will unfold exactly as it should.