irisgardens

I am sad today.

I am not clear enough to really say my feelings all the way, but I realized in the past year that I have a husband (whether selfish or alcoholic or both) who simply doesn't care.

I have been married for 38 years and have lived a successful life...job, 5 children...when children got addicted...took break from work and worked on recovery with them and for myself...growing and maturing.

Husband's business went down 4 years ago and we lost our house. We have had financial issues all of our lives, but I didn't know until 15 years ago when he asked me to straighten out his business, quit the corporate management job and 'help' him and be mother from more 'at home' that he had been using my salary to subsidize his business.

Then, we had a daughter into drugs...raves and ecstasy and cocaine...and we were also doing 'tough love'...so did all of that...and then her sister did it...another 12 years...in the meantime, bailed out his busness and went back to work in the corporate sector. well, business went down again and this time, he wanted to 'retire' to Chile...his place of birth although we lived 38 years in California.

Well, it's been almost a year...and he wants me to go back to work...has been manipulating me for a while now. I got an offer this week...and will be returning next week. My kids will not receive me. I had no support here; was just being told that I 'had' to do this; 'had' to do that, etc. I went through a major spiritual crisis and told him and kids that I wanted to stay with him...here. He told me that he wants me to go back to work there and he will follow.

I wrote an email explaining my disappointment about the past 10 years of financial struggle. I sent it to the family. Now THAT is the whole thing...and still, he says that he will doesn't want to tell the kids that we worked things through...and that why do I want him to set the record straight with the kids. He also won't call my mother who loaned money to him. No matter how much I ask.

And yet, I am doing everything I can to make things work...and he is making it clear that I need to work...which I do, but with all of this...I am not believing that it has anything to do with me...at all. I am also seeing messages on his face book that act like he is going to do something...but all is very unclear and non-specific.

I am just doing one thing at a time...but I also believe that the email I sent was probably the 'kiss of death' with my husband...he always got to say anything to me...but I also know that people who manipulate hate the 'truth' being told. I am positive that he is manipulating the kids against me...and I am going to need to 'let go'. It didn't start today and I can't control it.

I wouldn't write this if I had hope, but somehow...with all that is wrong...I can't figure out anything beyond realizing that I am so manipulable and am used. I wrote the kids to tell them that my marriage to AH was worth more than money but then, he told me he wants me to go.

I wish that I didn't see things so clear. It is very hard. I, do, however, with this clarity need to ensure that I take care of myself and let the other steps come...when and how they may.