Florence

What do you do with a meddling parent who is always trying to orchestrate a reconciliation between you and your abusive ex -- for you, for her, for the children, for whatever reason?

My mother is elderly, codependent, and trying to run my life despite my every effort to exercise boundaries is her hobby. She does not respect boundaries. I'm the only sibling that lives in town, my sisters are out of town. Weirdly, she's fine until she starts using the internet -- it's like she can't help herself on Facebook, Twitter, etc. She loves to "friend" my friends and then try to gossip with me me how awful and disgusting they are. She'll post something about my kids, then "tag" me and my STBXAH and our mutual friends. (!!!!!!) I have since blocked her on Facebook and Twitter but she still tries to see what I'm saying and doing online. Since I stopped talking to her about my divorce, she's slipped that she looks it up on the county court website.



She did this before with my ex-NPD, which is part of the reason I had PTSD symptoms for so long. He made a crazy accusation about me, she believed him despite all evidence to the contrary. Just toxic.

Anyway, this time I blocked her. I told my sisters what she's up to. I told her to stop sending me emails saying she's praying for a miracle. She mostly has but occasionally they slip through. It's seriously like she can't help herself. I try to tell her to cut it out and she flips out and says I'm being mean. What else am I missing? Detachment, probably.

I don't want to cut her completely out of my life, and I still occasionally (very occasionally! thank god) need their financial help and help with the kids, but this is nuts. I'm not even that mad -- despite the continuous violations of my boundaries and privacy -- because it's like an Everyone Love Raymond episode or something. I'm very frustrated and annoyed that I have to take action against my mom because she can't hear the word no. Someone take away this lady's iPad for chrissakes.

dandylion

Dear Florence, to my knowlege, honestly, I don't know of anything more you can do. Realistically, she isn't probably going to change. Ignore it; compartmentalize it; detach.
If you don't expect any different --you won't be too disappointed.(LOL).

My impression is that she does have some other redeeming qualities, and, I'll bet the kids like the idea of having a grandma. If this is true--I implore you to reconsider something so drastic as to cut her out of your life. Sometimes, when we are annoyed by the "bad" parts, we forget the "good" parts.

I buried my 92yr. old mother 41/2 m o. ago. Florence, she was not an easy woman--NOT...AN...EASY...WOMAN........!! I would give anything I own to have just one more hour to talk to her.

Perhaps this is the down side of being the one who lives the closest..

dandylion

Florence

She does have redeeming qualities, and what relationship we have today is hard-won. She is a very, very difficult woman (codependent, untreated anxiety), but I have a terrible time imagining cutting her out of my life at her age (~70 with mediocre health).

I try not to have deep, personal conversations with her for this reason. She totally spins out to La La Land. Last night I slipped and talked with her about my sadness and fears about the divorce and of course (duh!) she sent me an email last night saying she was praying for my STBXAH's miraculous recovery and our reconciliation and spent today spouting on Facebook about "our" life together.

laurie6781

Dear Florence:

I went NC with my mother for 5 years. Finally when Hurricane Andrew, until the very last minutes was headed straight for them I called, spoke with my dad for a bit and then as I had asked he put Mom on the phone.

Kept it short as she still had things to do to protect her MaCaws, etc.

But after that, when we talked she was so much better and not as intrusive and apparently that 5 years had given her some time to really think things through. We were then able to have a pretty good relationship for the next 12 years until her demise. She was 72 when our relationship was revived.

My boundary is very simple: I will not associate with, talk with, or have in my home any 'toxic' person, even if they are family.

Love and hugs,

fourmaggie

sounds like a woman who does not value HER self worth....

was wondering if she also bored, and just loves to stir the pot...

unsureoffuture

I so sorry you have to deal with this. Could it be she is just bored and needs someone elses drama to make her feel better about her own life and anxiety issues? Perhaps involving her in some type if activity may help..pottery painting, book club, volunteering? It's bad enough when you are going through something like this but then to have all your life posted on Facebook for all to read is another thing. I can see how frustrating that might be.

Florence

Both, I think. My therapist used to muse that my steps to break away from my AH offended my mom so much because she stuck it out with my chronically depressed dad, and just desserts and broken mirrors and all that. My choice to divorce was a reflection on her decision to stay in a dysfunctional marriage or something.

wicked

Ah yes, <rubbing my chin philosophically> I see now.
You did not do as she did, you did better.
Sad, but that could be very true.
How would she take it if you said something along those lines.

"Hey! Ole lady (my daughter calls me this when I am actin a little crazy or crying over a rainbow ), what you did showed ME how to do it better.
I live a better life because of your example.
Your grandchildren are much happier now, and they love their grandmother.
If I were still married to that man, your relationship with them would be less and less.
(and then distract her with some feat that a grandchild performed recently).

I am just spitballin' here. My mother would have never put my business on facebook or any other social media. She grew up with silence is golden.
Other than no contact until she connects no "no media talk about my daughter" with a relationship with you and her grandchildren, that is all I have.
My mother has been gone for fifteen years now, and boy, I miss her loads.
It's not fair!

I am sorry, even though I pour out my guts and more here, it would bother me to no end if someone else breathed a word of my business.

Beth

Hey! I could start up a training camp. You gotta pass to have that relationship with your child and grandchildren! Hand them the tablet, then yank it away, no!
give me pushups! I said no facebook about your relatives.
only friends.
LOL

LexieCat

See, maybe this is the key. The woman is stand-up material.

I totally get how annoying and frustrating it must be, OTOH, does anyone really take her seriously? Are her actions really harming you other than being somewhat embarrassing?

I think limiting the personal stuff you share with her is probably a good idea. Beyond that, she is just being a goofy mom. Seems like half the population has one. Sorry for the aggravation, though.

Katiekate

Somehow I was able to detach from what my mother says and does, but not from her.

It wasn't worth trying to get her to see that she was crossing a boundry, it exhausted me.

I just stopped taking it personally. She is truly uninterested in my feelings.

I accept that.

wicked

wow! that is incredible!
thank you katie kate.

Beth

lillamy

Block her? I know that's not easy (I'm having some FOO problems right now too, what with my sister trying to wreck my current relationship from thousands of miles away) but I'm leaning towards it.

fourmaggie

funny...i see my mom in a different light...
and now i see my late husbands mother in a different light...

as years go on...one was more reading for growth and learning...MY MOM...
my late hubbys mom?(havent seen or heard from her since hubbys death 11 years ago) but nothings change...she still loves to be that choatic and victim woman, even more so now that her son is gone....*shakes head*

i choose not to live like that...