LovingMom

You guys know me...I am basically a level headed soul. I try and like at least something about everyone. I have tried all of SonnyBoy's life to find that one certain something that would make him stand out from others. Not be exactly like his brothers...Something that only he could do. I did the same for my other boys. L as the oldest picked up a horn at church and began playing like he had taken years of study..his brothers couldn't do that..Ryan can be pitched a ball and swing and connect with total ease...the others can't do that. SonnyBoy was able to draw...from pre-kindergarten..he would pick up a pencil and from his fingertips a story would unfold in colors and kohl...And he threw it all away. As he got more and more stoned..he lost the ability that was truly a gift..neither his father or I can draw a straight line. He came over to the house for his birthday dinner on Friday night. It was nice...a bit strained...but on the whole...nice. We gave him his gift..what he had asked for. We thought we were safe in our choice...we gave him new pencils and kohls and oils and pads and canvases....everything he wanted or needed to begin drawing and painting again. I even found his favorite brushes. He pawned the lot the next day. I guess in my mind I knew it might happen. I put my name and phone number on a little card in the bottom of the case. He never even looked...I didn't try to hide it..The pawnbroker found it easy enough. I'm sure the Sonny checked out the card to make sure there wasn't any cash tucked in there...(I have been known to do that from time to time). He asked if the grandparents had sent him anything..No..even they knew better. When will I..as a mother...as HIS mother learn? When will I get it through my thick skull that he is a DRUNK and a DRUG ADDICT? And that he and the situation will NOT change just because I love him so much. When will my heart understand that love can't fix what doesn't want to be fixed? When will this child of my love...grow the He** up!! Does he honestly believe in today's world that he can just float through? That there is always going to be someone there to clean up after him? Even I don't do that anymore...and that's huge!

I don't know guys...I thought that I was doing better than this...but when I got that phone call asking if I knew my art supplies had been pawned...my heart just kind of died a little.

I have already had to live though getting the phone call..."Mrs. B....do you have a son named SonnyBoy? Well we have him in custody here in Dallas...do you want to come pick him up?" I dread the day/night that I get the call every parent dreads...."Mrs. B.....Did you have a son......." But I know..sure as God made little green apples....it will happen.

I have lived though the deaths of three of my children already. The death of my marriage to a harlot that dropped him like her bad habit the second it was legal for them to be together...lol.....So much....toooo much.

Okay...I'm done.

Mom

Gracie1953

LovingMom,

As I read your post, my heart just sank. What you have been through is more than most people could bear. My problems seem trivial by comparison. There are many here whose thoughts are with you. Keep coming back and let us know how you are doing.


Hugs,

Gracie

Gabe

Hugs Mom.
Lots of hugs from me to you.
Gabe

Lorelai

(((LovingMom)))
Please don't be sorry for posting what you feel. We all care. I'm sorry you have to go through this. Moms seem to have an endless supply of hope.
Sending you love & hugs - L

jojo

Mom -

I, too, am sorry for the pain you are feeling. In a way, I feel lucky that the A in my life is a husband and not one of my children. It is easier to detach or even walk away from a spouse. Each time something happens I think it makes it a little easier to move away emotionally. I'll say a prayer for you and Sonny Boy. Hopefully, the day will come when he will want to get clean and stay that way. Until then you can only put him in God's hands. Take care of yourself.

Hugs, Jo

Helping Myself

Oh LovingMom, I'm so sorry that happened. My sister just got out of treatment for drugs and I don't know if she is serious about it or not, but if she had expressed an interest again in one of her many talents I would have gone out of my way to help her get back into it. So I can somewhat understand how much you wanted it to be true and believed SonnyBoy. You have lived through so much pain already, way more than any one person just have to handle. You are a VERY strong person...stronger than I could ever be. I truly admire you and I deeply feel for you. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Take care.

LovingMom

You know..I really do want to see the best in Sonny...but I am being slapped left and right by his worst side. Often times I just ride it out..but for today, I am not going to ride this wave. For today, I am going to take myself out of the water and stay dry.

I do know on one level that only I am responsible for how and when he can effect me..but he is my son all the time. I cannot switch that off. Oh well....for now..I am just an office manager and can only think of one thing at one time.