I feel like crying, but I don't know why?
 

I truly cannot put a finger on one specific thing that is making me so depressed today. I could use some support. I know that I'm not ready to leave my marriage yet. I know that I still love my AH. I know that I have my own faults to work on and fix and get right with myself and with my HP. Those are the things I know.

The other things I know are that: my AH drove my car illegally this weekend while I was out of town. I was on the plane when I realized I forgot to hide the spare set of keys I have, duh. I know that my AH recently lied to me about a few things, totally stupid stuff, though, but I let it bother me.

And, that is probably where my depression comes from. The realization that my AH is still drinking, still driving illegally when it suits him and when he knows he can get away with it, and the realization that I truly can do nothing about it. Well, I mean I knew that all along anyway, but it's when it smacks you upside the head sometimes and you get depressed that you've CHOSEN to live your life like this, that's when you want to cry. I feel like I punish myself for my mistakes over and over again, I hardly ever extend any grace to myself and I certainly have a hard time extending it to my husband. I feel like I'm punishing him for bad behavior. I'm not. I just don't want to connect emotionally and physically with a narcissistic lying alcoholic bully. Now, is he like that all the time? No, actually he's quite pleasant sometimes but I am always waiting for the next 'thing' to be revealed. Some of the stuff he doesn't even know that I know. My sponsor has many times reminded me that if I feel like I have to have a talk with him about driving my car, when he knows he shouldn't be doing it in the first place, that I'm wasting my breath and that I need to check my motives. She's always asking me, "How important is it to put yourself in that conversation? How important is it for you to be right, and to show him that?"

All good points, so why do I struggle? I've chosen to stay. I continue being pleasant, cooking meals, taking care of the dog, house, kid, etc. I greet him with a smile every day, but his look on his face is dead many times. He is a shell of himself, maybe from the meds he's taking, maybe because he doesn't drink when I'm around. He most recently said that he likes it when we're all home together because then he doesn't drink and he doesn't want to turn into a problem drinker. I nearly spit out my tea, as I realized that his definition of problem drinker and my definition of problem drinker were definitely on totally different pages! I keep thinking that if I act happy, it will happen. That if I act in love, I will feel in love. That if I act in kindness, I will beget something from that action. Yet, I feel nothing. I am still angry, resentful, and even madder at myself for having that 'fake it til you make it' notion. Seriously, does that even work??? Sigh, I just needed to vent. Not sure if any of this even flowed into any type of cohesive thought patterns?

I am a big believer in the fake-it-til-you-make-it philosophy...but only when it comes to short-term strategies. Getting through a meeting or a rehearsal I haven't properly prepared for. Leading a feedback discussion. That kind of thing. Whenever I know I am engaged in an activity that does not play to my strengths, I embrace the FITYMI way!

But I don't believe it works for Happiness. I think the only way you get there is Honesty and Acceptance.

I am sorry you are hurting. Hugs and strength to you on your journey. Keep your head up and your eyes open, Liz. Rooting for you.

I think you just wrote out quite a bit to cry about...

I just read or sensed impending loss in your marriage...

I advocate Alanon...you really need to be around positive people who know exactly what you are thinking and feeling....

You just can't do this alone anymore....everything is about him and his illness...

We care for you...but get some F2F help from women who can really care about you...

Best always

Yes, thank you, wiscsober! I am going to a meeting tonight. I've been in Al Anon for a while now, working with a sponsor, etc. my sponsor had a similar marriage with her ex. I asked her to be my sponsor on a whim in a meeting where I hadn't even heard her story. I know that my HP put us together for a reason, although I didn't feel like I clicked with her at first.

I just need to get my head out of my rear and go back to working my program. It's just really hard because AH works from home and he's been depressed recently. It's very difficult to live 24/7 with someone who walks around miserable and I'm trying so hard to maintain my own sanity despite the atmosphere in our home.

lizatola: yes I see that you have a sponsor and attend Alanon...sorry sometimes I scan and miss things and come up with pat answers

I am sure other SR members have good advice and consolation for you

really you are doing the best you can

Talk about stream of consciousness, get ready!
 

:gaah

lizatola,

I know this is hard to live with and think about.
But, you must get through this, and get down, drill down to the truth.

It depends on what you are faking. I think if you are faking being happy with a narcissistic, lying, law breaking, alcoholic bully, then all the fake in the world will not 'make it' work.
It takes two for a marriage to work and your husband does not seem very involved at all other than being rude or using you to some degree.
He wants the family there to keep him from becoming a problem drinker?
That is one of the most self centered things I have ever heard.
(Yep, I have heard some whoppers, including from my own mouth.)

"My family is for me, to serve me, to make me happy, cause if I am not happy I will drink. And we all know what happens then."

No, liz. This is not how it works. He must have feelings for you. Feelings of love and respect. Feelings of kindness and forgiveness. In other words the feelings most human beings have. He does not have them, they are not part of his skill set. Empty dead eyes. That is him.

I wonder, where did you get the idea that this is what you deserve?
Dead eyes, loneliness, pain, disrespect in exchange for support, spitefulness in exchange for kindness. Your love for him gets nothing for you, but you keep scratching at the door.

You know, I was just reminded of something my mother used to say about my father (alcoholic Army officer, mean and anal) that his family (his wife and four children) were there to make him look good. That he produces and he has fine looking children. We were a product to be observed by the higher ups and judged by our looks and smarts. We were not children, we were objects, objects do not need love or attention. They are to be seen and not heard. How many times did I hear this? Enough to make me want to cry sometimes. :cries3:

As an NPD person, your husband looks at you with curiosity with your love and kindness and feelings and all that. Unless it affects him personally, he cannot care. It is not in him.
He drives when you are gone because he can. That's it.
You have to hide your extra keys from him like he is some dope smokin' teenager. He acts like one. Like there are no consequences.

I feel for you lizatola. This is tough stuff to deal with, realizing this was a choice you made.
But what is the flip side of that liz?

You can CHANGE your mind at any time.
Any time you want.

What is lovable about him liz? I know, given the reason for this board, we have not heard many of his good qualities. What do you love about him?

for some reason, I think you have these two things connected somehow, that loving your husband and having your own faults makes it so you.....
deserve it?
have to stay, cause you think you can "fix" him in some way?
that maybe these "faults" of yours (which I am sure your husband has pointed out to you) are connected to how your husband treats you?
maybe if you corrected these so-called faults, he would love you?
Be kind. Forgive. Be happy.
Stop drinking, stop driving, stop hating.

I know that my AH recently lied to me about a few things, totally stupid stuff, though, but I let it bother me.

Do you believe this is such a small thing that it should not bother you?
Your husband should not lie about big or small things, I am trying to understand why you think it should NOT bother you.
Why lie about anything? What do two people who have been married for many years have to lie to each other about?

I asked you to say what you loved about him. You do not have to do that, and from what you have told us here, I would have an impossible time finding a reason to like him.
You, lizatola, seem so depressed.
I have said before that when you speak of things, I am reminded of myself, if I hang on a little while longer, surely he will see how much I love him and finally and forever "get it".

In my case, my husband never got it with me. He did get it from a vicious alcoholic woman he lived with for several years. My daughter talked to him yesterday, and he is back in this state.
She said he is a changed man. Completely different. Not one beer when everyone there (all his brothers! a sure bet for off your face drunk) was drinking and even catching a buzz.
He told my daughter, never again. Maybe he finally got it.

And, you know, I hope he does have it now, cause, I know it is much better on this sane side alone, than on the sick side with an addict.

Please liz, think of yourself. You have the rest of your life to make yourself happy. It is so unlikely to come from a narcissist, well, you might as well be playing the lotto.

Stop faking it, and cry your eyes out. You will feel better.

It appears to me that everything you do is about him in some way.
Have you ever considered what life would be like without him?
What would you do everyday?
Smile, laugh, have fun with your son, go to the park with your dog?
Volunteer somewhere and give that love to someone who will gratefully accept any attention from a kind, caring and compassionate person such as you.
Give yourself over to your higher self and imagine life in the happy lane!
I am working on that.

Struggling with you (my oldest son is addicted and has a schizoid affective disorder, I cannot treat him, he is out of my field set and I am his mother. That hurts, but I cannot help him anymore. It is actually making me physically ill.)

Beth

I hope there is something in these words, words, words to make you smile or think of yourself lizatola. You deserve so much more.

You struggle because this is HARD.

It's exhausting to not know which husband you'll be dealing with. It's exhausting to try to hold it all together, and with a smile, too. If I remember, you homeschool your son? Yep, exhausting! It's exhausting to know that the person you should be able to trust above all others will deliberately deceive you. It is okay to cry a bit to relieve some of this tension that is building up, and maybe you shouldn't fault yourself for being down sometimes.

Yeah, you have chosen to stay. I get it - I'm doing the same. But really, this is not an easy road, and let's face it, we have chosen from some lousy options. I can't be a Stepford wife all the time. I second guess myself, kick myself, wonder if I'm nuts, cry. Then there are the good days, and there is the love and the life we have built, and the hope that he will decide he deserves more.

Just be nice to yourself, okay? You don't have to be perfect.

:c029:

I have been there too!
Trying to care for everyone and appearing "up" as best as I could, but I had a major depressive disorder.

I struggled to get out of bed!

Yup, back to Al Anon you go, and talk to your sponsor.
I am using meetings online and on the phone, it is easier that way without a car.

I have to ask for help.
dammit. :)
I need practice.

Beth

Liz, I believe that feeling is coming from a soul that is crying out to be free. The core of yourself crying to be realized. A cry coming from deep within the self---where the closest connection to the universe exists.

The soul--our very essence of life wants to live.

dandylion

No, actually he's quite pleasant sometimes

I think THIS is the crux of the matter. when he's not being a narcissistic lying alcoholic bully. sounds like purgatory, yeah it's hot, but there is a nice breeze when they open the door to let the next busload in.

We are raised to believe that hardships are meant to be conquered and overcome. Some of the greatest challenges I have faced in sobriety revolved around problems which I felt were the result of someone else's poor choices. It is easy to get "stuck" waiting for someone else to rectify a situation they created, hoping to be rescued from the prospect of making painful choices and actions necessary to bring our lives back in balance.

Acceptance is far more than mere acknowledgement that a problem exists. Most alcoholics can superficially accept that they have a drinking problem - but to recover they must accept without reservation that they are and always will be an alcoholic. Once we accept a hardship, without any buried expectation that somehow we will be relieved of its burden, we can truly move forward irrespective of the ultimate disposition of the hardship.

I know this hurts Liz, but I am so happy that you are feeling.

I think you have been asking for that gift for a long time. I truly believe we can't get through it without feeling it.

I know I was scared to feel it for a long, long time. Once I felt it, I could let it go.

People have said so many wise things here, Liz, and I echo their support, compassion, and caring for you.

One thing strikes me from your post. Because your husband works from home, and you home school your son, most of your time is spent in a closely locked circle with just the three of you as major players. I know you and your son travel for tennis tournaments, and he has outside activities, and your husband travels for work also. But the bedrock living is done just with the three of you.

It is insular, and I think it helps keep you locked in this circle. My therapist once said, talking on my dysfunctional childhood family who I tried to escape, that living in a dysfunctional family is like living within rubber walls. Everytime you try to exit, they bounce right back in. The whole family system exists in a dysfunctional stasis, and it NEEDS that structure, and it has a life of its own.

This is part of what you are fighting, and I found it despairing. Maybe try to bring in as many new influences as you can, and get yourself out in the world and opened to other people, ideas, ways of being, as you possibly can.

This way of living is like living with carbon monoxide unknown to you permeating your house. You don't see it happening, but eventually it will kill you.

ShootingStar1

This really hit home with me. It's so true, the dysfunction that has occurred insidiously through the years. It's been like a slow leak, though, and awareness has brought me to where I am today.

I am spending lots of time with the dog right now, trying to keep him from licking his wounds that he can STILL get at even with the dang cone of shame on. He had his stitches and staples removed today so that was good and it appears that he's healing. He's very skittish outdoors, though, so I took him for a short walk tonight once the sun was setting behind our mountain and the temp dropped a bit.

I have a lot of connections: church, Al Anon, homeschool group(both in real life and an online community of friends who've been together for 7 years now), and my tennis team of ladies. Some know my story, some know nothing, but I know they are all supportive and loving people.

I have worked very hard all these years to make sure I didn't wallow in AH's issues. When he turned down an invite to a party, most times I would make sure that I would go with our son. I kept our son active in the darkest of days when my AH's depressions were really bad. Zoo trips, science center, 1.5 hour long bike rides after he finished school work, hiking, walking, etc. I made sure we weren't all sitting around staring at each other basically. I just never realized how much this all affected me until recently. To put so much effort in to put forth a facade of 'normal' was exhausting. I remember having a friend confide in me about her husband's binge drinking and violent outbursts. I remember thinking, "Gee, I'm so glad I don't have to deal with that." I never really recognized the abuse that was going on, and this was well before the drinking started with AH again. I was truly blind. I had friends who called me for marriage advice because my marriage seemed so solid. God, what a farce that was. I didn't even see it, but looking back I do now and it makes me really sad. Who was I to give marriage advice, and who the heck were these friends of mine who thought I had a better marriage than theirs? Ah and I were definitely good liars because I think we both knew deep down there were serious problems, we just kept sweeping them under the carpet and ignoring the elephant(s) in the room.

wow, this is amazing. And now, you cannot unsee it!
You are a strong woman lizatola.
Look how long you held this together.
Truly, you will get better.

Beth

I invested way too much time peeling another layer off.

Thinking if I/we can just get past this, life will be better..............

I do not have the answers for you Liz, but what I really did learn in a painful way,

is,

I can only blame/project/wish.. for so long..

the rest I have to own....

It's like the old sayin.....

fool me once, I'm the fool,

continuing on the same path has NOW become,

MY CHOICE.....

So what is it you are trying to choose Liz?

Yeah, because his drinking depends on whether everybody is all home together or not.

Big hugs to you. I know it may sound childish but i felt like that at one point when I realized that I had put myself willingly into a situation that had become impossible, and I realized that it might not have a happy ending. Like I had up till that point lived in a world where everything except death was reversible. And where it ended with "and they lived happily ever after"...

I still think it will. It might not be the ending that we wanted; the story may take a twist and turn in another direction.

But don't give up on yourself. You have the power to create the life you want.

Today
 

Hoping that today brings you some peace, Liz. And maybe 'seeing' a bit more that of what you need to find in yourself in your journey.

C-OH Dad

Liz, you are in a process of unfolding awareness. In many of the threads you start, you have grasped a new insight and it has made an impact.

Right now, I think that many of these insights are residing inside you as separate thoughts. They have not yet integrated into an overall picture of the truth of your life and your son's life enmeshed with your AH.

I believe that will come. Each of these insights is terribly difficult, and in your case, as in mine, I believe we are fighting through toxic training and beliefs that have been infused in us since childhood, like the tea steeped in a teacup forever. It is not simple to undo this.

You are brave, you are courageous, and you are making great progress in getting to the heart of what your life is about. Each step in that direction helps. And at some point, sooner rather than later, you will know enough to find yourself turning to the question "what do I want to be next?"

ShootingStar1