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I feel like crying, but I don't know why?

Old 06-14-2013, 05:18 PM
  # 61 (permalink)  
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[QUOTE=lizatola;4011335]I truly cannot put a finger on one specific thing that is making me so depressed today. I could use some support. I know that I'm not ready to leave my marriage yet. I know that I still love my AH. I know that I have my own faults to work on and fix and get right with myself and with my HP. Those are the things I know.

The other things I know are that: my AH drove my car illegally this weekend while I was out of town. I was on the plane when I realized I forgot to hide the spare set of keys I have, duh. I know that my AH recently lied to me about a few things, totally stupid stuff, though, but I let it bother me.

And, that is probably where my depression comes from. The realization that my AH is still drinking, still driving illegally when it suits him and when he knows he can get away with it, and the realization that I truly can do nothing about it. Well, I mean I knew that all along anyway, but it's when it smacks you upside the head sometimes and you get depressed that you've CHOSEN to live your life like this, that's when you want to cry. I feel like I punish myself for my mistakes over and over again, I hardly ever extend any grace to myself and I certainly have a hard time extending it to my husband. I feel like I'm punishing him for bad behavior. I'm not. I just don't want to connect emotionally and physically with a narcissistic lying alcoholic bully. Now, is he like that all the time? No, actually he's quite pleasant sometimes but I am always waiting for the next 'thing' to be revealed. Some of the stuff he doesn't even know that I know. My sponsor has many times reminded me that if I feel like I have to have a talk with him about driving my car, when he knows he shouldn't be doing it in the first place, that I'm wasting my breath and that I need to check my motives.

Your motives could be financial survival. I assume your car does not have the alcohol machine on it? He could be loaded & drive into a school bus. You could be sued as well because the car is in your name.
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Old 06-21-2013, 08:58 AM
  # 62 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
I've felt that way since childhood, I never knew anything different. I went from being uncomfortable in the same room with my dad, to being uncomfortable with my crazy college roommate for 3 years, to being uncomfortable with my AH. Seriously, when you don't know it can be different, you just don't know.
This is true for me too, Liz

It's a struggle to grasp what is good for you, and how to change the self-sabotaging we do. We developed habits very young--splitting our perceptions.....like, someone who gives us the attention we crave but later starts hurting us. So hard to keep in mind that just because he is occasionally well behaved/feels good or ok to be with doesn't mean the really bad parts are bearable if we just sweep them under the rug.

I find the craving for belonging and " being a part of" is very hard to direct--once you've emotionally bonded to someone who hurts you, it's hard to change things.

Growing up in a dangerous place makes it so hard to trust that anything good and heart-filling will ever come our way....yet we want it so badly.

I hope you can navigate and gather strength and trust.
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