triggered by family member over my boundaries
I AM CANADIAN
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
triggered by family member over my boundaries
i had an Aunt over recently over stepping her boundaries, in my home, in the presence of my daughter and i with my Uncle (her husband).
i wrote a letter using I statements and where my boundaries are concerned...i did this with no finger pointings just stating my boundaries...
my Aunt has 8 years of AA under her belt...
i know she felt offended and her ego was bruised, but with her defense--and excuses(and motives)...she attached me for the 1st little while until she said "I am sorry"...(i feel it was not a heart felt sorry...)
I'm so upset with her attack on me, when i was stating my boundaries...
i feel she just did all the finger pointing back at me and not looking at the issue i was stating, and told her that, stay on track and on the issue...
i am a re acter...i re act quickly...i did not...its been a week and she wants to meet for coffee...mom says "she dont get it and let it go"...i want nothing to do with her now...
any advice...??
i wrote a letter using I statements and where my boundaries are concerned...i did this with no finger pointings just stating my boundaries...
my Aunt has 8 years of AA under her belt...
i know she felt offended and her ego was bruised, but with her defense--and excuses(and motives)...she attached me for the 1st little while until she said "I am sorry"...(i feel it was not a heart felt sorry...)
I'm so upset with her attack on me, when i was stating my boundaries...
i feel she just did all the finger pointing back at me and not looking at the issue i was stating, and told her that, stay on track and on the issue...
i am a re acter...i re act quickly...i did not...its been a week and she wants to meet for coffee...mom says "she dont get it and let it go"...i want nothing to do with her now...
any advice...??
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
You do not have to have anything to do with her. Your responsibility is to yourself, ensuring you're safe. I just went through this with my dad-- see the thread. YOu are not alone. And you don't have to do anything you don't want to IMHO.
Feel better
Feel better
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
No advice, but I just want to commend you for saying how you felt even when you did not know what the outcome would be. That is a huge step.
If you go will it be for you or her (or your mom)? Are you in a place that you can let her reaction go?
Those would be some deciding factors for me. I have the hardest time remembering that just because I say it nicely, kindly and with the least blame I can muster does not mean that I can "control" how the other person is going to hear it.
Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean has helped me so much to decide if I am on the right track or not.
If you go will it be for you or her (or your mom)? Are you in a place that you can let her reaction go?
Those would be some deciding factors for me. I have the hardest time remembering that just because I say it nicely, kindly and with the least blame I can muster does not mean that I can "control" how the other person is going to hear it.
Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean has helped me so much to decide if I am on the right track or not.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Boundaries are for you. Your Aunt doesn't have to like or approve of your boundaries, but if she crosses them then she will learn there are consequences. I learned that when I set a boundary, it is perfectly fine for the A to have their reaction to it. Their reaction does not have to change my course.
If you're not ready to meet for coffee, then that's okay too. You don't have to get pulled into anything you're not ready for or aren't interested in.
If you're not ready to meet for coffee, then that's okay too. You don't have to get pulled into anything you're not ready for or aren't interested in.
I AM CANADIAN
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
thanks everyone....
i guess its very hard, when she sees it as "you better go to your sponsor before you go any further"....to me it was a TYPICAL alcoholic saying it....she shoved in my face "your not perfect either Maggie", when i stated in the beginning of my letter I am NOT finger pointing...these are my boundaries....
what do you say to someone that, well, has a big ego and plays the victim every single time "someone" else says something to her?....and this is not the 1st time with boundary issues..
8 years in the program, and hangs out with other AA members but are still dysfunctional in their thinking....(notice that she enjoys victim role and choatic people)
I wonder if its just a waste of time and energy...(not that i expect it to change)
I guess what i am saying...this really opened my eyes about her. As i sit here and bonder, more information of her past couple of months behaviours are very disturbing, i know not my issue or business...but still shocking.
i guess its very hard, when she sees it as "you better go to your sponsor before you go any further"....to me it was a TYPICAL alcoholic saying it....she shoved in my face "your not perfect either Maggie", when i stated in the beginning of my letter I am NOT finger pointing...these are my boundaries....
what do you say to someone that, well, has a big ego and plays the victim every single time "someone" else says something to her?....and this is not the 1st time with boundary issues..
8 years in the program, and hangs out with other AA members but are still dysfunctional in their thinking....(notice that she enjoys victim role and choatic people)
I wonder if its just a waste of time and energy...(not that i expect it to change)
I guess what i am saying...this really opened my eyes about her. As i sit here and bonder, more information of her past couple of months behaviours are very disturbing, i know not my issue or business...but still shocking.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((fourmaggie))
I believe that not everyone who comes in the rooms of recovery are truly "in recovery" and for everyone who truly is in recovery - it is a Progress not perfection process for them as well as it is for us ~
It doesn't excuse behaviors - it just helps to shed light on it ~
So deep breath and remember the word Balance ~
Healthy boundaries are for YOU ~ other people may hear them, but they don't always honor them ~
The Next Right thing for us to do is what keeps us healthy, serene and safe ~
Detachment with love if possible, and allow others to walk their own path ~
and remember those wise words we have heard often . . .
what other people think of me is none of my business ~
Do what is healthiest and best for your own recovery!
pink hugs!
I believe that not everyone who comes in the rooms of recovery are truly "in recovery" and for everyone who truly is in recovery - it is a Progress not perfection process for them as well as it is for us ~
It doesn't excuse behaviors - it just helps to shed light on it ~
So deep breath and remember the word Balance ~
Healthy boundaries are for YOU ~ other people may hear them, but they don't always honor them ~
The Next Right thing for us to do is what keeps us healthy, serene and safe ~
Detachment with love if possible, and allow others to walk their own path ~
and remember those wise words we have heard often . . .
what other people think of me is none of my business ~
Do what is healthiest and best for your own recovery!
pink hugs!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
I am sorry you have had to deal with your aunt's attack on you.. It sounds really miserable.
My experience is that when I vocalize my boundaries to people who have over-stepped their boundaries with me, it does not go well. People who are inclined to over step boundaries and not own that or apologize aren't apt to be people who will be open to hearing what others boundaries are.
I think it is excellent you have set boundaries but you may want to consider whether it is helpful to you in the long run to state those to people like your aunt.
Could you instead just act on those boundaries vs stating them to her? (for ex/ not have her to your home if your boundary is that you won't tolerate how she treats you?).
It is not right that she reacted negatively to you but can you see in hindsight how you might have been able to predict that she would react that way given who she is?
I used to think I was letting people get away with things if I did not call them out or let them know what my boundaries were.... I found that too often, interacting and talking to toxic/boundaryless people just left me more upset than I already was.
I try (not well always) nowadays to have my actions be the way I express my boundaries. My mother for ex is someone who has been overly invasive and negative in my life. Rather than tell her that my boundary is to not tolerate her behavior, I simply limit my interaction with her.
Does that make any sense?
My experience is that when I vocalize my boundaries to people who have over-stepped their boundaries with me, it does not go well. People who are inclined to over step boundaries and not own that or apologize aren't apt to be people who will be open to hearing what others boundaries are.
I think it is excellent you have set boundaries but you may want to consider whether it is helpful to you in the long run to state those to people like your aunt.
Could you instead just act on those boundaries vs stating them to her? (for ex/ not have her to your home if your boundary is that you won't tolerate how she treats you?).
It is not right that she reacted negatively to you but can you see in hindsight how you might have been able to predict that she would react that way given who she is?
I used to think I was letting people get away with things if I did not call them out or let them know what my boundaries were.... I found that too often, interacting and talking to toxic/boundaryless people just left me more upset than I already was.
I try (not well always) nowadays to have my actions be the way I express my boundaries. My mother for ex is someone who has been overly invasive and negative in my life. Rather than tell her that my boundary is to not tolerate her behavior, I simply limit my interaction with her.
Does that make any sense?
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
ok wanttobehealthy that is brilliant! I experienced the same thing. Today, the last thing I want to do is explain myself (initially) to someone who just trashed me.
I think I was looking for validation. And when I got slapped in the face, again and again, I realized I don't need validation from the folks who don't respect my boundary, i just need to create the boundary and hold it firm.
great conversation! thanks!
I think I was looking for validation. And when I got slapped in the face, again and again, I realized I don't need validation from the folks who don't respect my boundary, i just need to create the boundary and hold it firm.
great conversation! thanks!
I AM CANADIAN
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
Originally Posted by transformyself 
Today, the last thing I want to do is explain myself (initially) to someone who just trashed me.
I think I was looking for validation. And when I got slapped in the face, again and again, I realized I don't need validation from the folks who don't respect my boundary, i just need to create the boundary and hold it firm. great conversation! thanks!
I think I was looking for validation. And when I got slapped in the face, again and again, I realized I don't need validation from the folks who don't respect my boundary, i just need to create the boundary and hold it firm. great conversation! thanks!
thanks you wonderfull PEOPLE
I AM CANADIAN
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy
I am sorry you have had to deal with your aunt's attack on you.. It sounds really miserable.
My experience is that when I vocalize my boundaries to people who have over-stepped their boundaries with me, it does not go well. People who are inclined to over step boundaries and not own that or apologize aren't apt to be people who will be open to hearing what others boundaries are.I think it is excellent you have set boundaries but you may want to consider whether it is helpful to you in the long run to state those to people like your aunt.
Could you instead just act on those boundaries vs stating them to her? (for ex/ not have her to your home if your boundary is that you won't tolerate how she treats you?).
It is not right that she reacted negatively to you but can you see in hindsight how you might have been able to predict that she would react that way given who she is?
I used to think I was letting people get away with things if I did not call them out or let them know what my boundaries were.... I found that too often, interacting and talking to toxic/boundaryless people just left me more upset than I already was.
I try (not well always) nowadays to have my actions be the way I express my boundaries. My mother for ex is someone who has been overly invasive and negative in my life. Rather than tell her that my boundary is to not tolerate her behavior, I simply limit my interaction with her.
Does that make any sense?
My experience is that when I vocalize my boundaries to people who have over-stepped their boundaries with me, it does not go well. People who are inclined to over step boundaries and not own that or apologize aren't apt to be people who will be open to hearing what others boundaries are.I think it is excellent you have set boundaries but you may want to consider whether it is helpful to you in the long run to state those to people like your aunt.
Could you instead just act on those boundaries vs stating them to her? (for ex/ not have her to your home if your boundary is that you won't tolerate how she treats you?).
It is not right that she reacted negatively to you but can you see in hindsight how you might have been able to predict that she would react that way given who she is?
I used to think I was letting people get away with things if I did not call them out or let them know what my boundaries were.... I found that too often, interacting and talking to toxic/boundaryless people just left me more upset than I already was.
I try (not well always) nowadays to have my actions be the way I express my boundaries. My mother for ex is someone who has been overly invasive and negative in my life. Rather than tell her that my boundary is to not tolerate her behavior, I simply limit my interaction with her.
Does that make any sense?
its funny, i have been slowly detaching from her since October of last year....we usually meet for coffee...but my UNCLE "showed up to my house" for a visit...i dont know if she was jealous or felt left out of HIM not asking her to come with him...(thats why i think she was so rude when she came in)...i have not seen my Uncle in my home in years--alone--just for a simple visit.....(self esteem issues? dunno)--not my issues
thank you so much everyone for your help....
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