RLF

This is my first time posting here so I apologize if this is long. I'm feeling lost, sad, confused and can really use some emotional support from others in/having been in a relationship with an alcoholic.

I have been involved in my relationship for almost 6 years. Married for almost 3 years, divorced him, then remarried him when I saw that he was getting sober. We have almost been married the 2nd time for about 8 months and we are already separated with him living out of state now.

The first time we got married we were living in Oregon. At that time we both drank. I was a social drinker that could take or leave it and would stop at 2 drinks, he drank more. We both got laid off of work and lost our place and moved to California to be near my 2 adult daughters from a previous marriage. It wasn't until we got to California that I discovered that he lost his job in Oregon due to his drinking. His drinking started to spiral out of control. He didn't come home for hours at a time and I found empty vodka bottles everywhere. Several months later I discovered that he had been in contact with prostitutes. I was absolutely devastated and felt with all I had been through with his drinking that that was more than I could deal with and so I left. He fell apart and got in to a treatment program. I supported his recovery 100% and participated in everything the program offered for family members. I felt that since he was taking his own initiative to get help I would give our marriage another chance. Two weeks after he finished the program and us being back together he relapsed. I was a wreck crying, shaking, and got physically ill and had to run to the bathroom to get sick. Over the next 2 years it got worse with his constantly criticizing me, lying, hiding the drinking, contacting escorts, placing personal ads on Craigslist, going to massage parlors, etc. I left about 8 times and went back. Sober he is sweet, fun, loving, my best friend, drinking he is mean, verbally abusive, not reliable. I kept holding on to who he is sober.

He's not in denial he is an alcoholic and doesn't blame anyone else for his drinking. I didn't lie, make excuses for his drinking, or cover up for his consequences when he got into trouble.

What prompted my divorcing him before was that I kept finding more of his contact with prostitutes and he'd blame me saying I wasn't intimate enough or showed enough affection. I would talk with him and tell him my being criticized all the time, and his betrayals seriously effected my desire for intimacy with him and that if I would be treated with kindness and he regained the broken trust my desire would come back full swing. He'd respond that he understood and knew it would take time, that I am the love of his life and all he really desires is me. I'd start to feel better in the relationship and start to have more trust, we'd be intimate than I found more of his betrayals. I felt he didn't appreciate me. I was expected to be fully into everything and when he didn't get that right off the bat I'd get criticized more. I felt he was impatient and wanted me to be okay like I'd never been hurt by the stuff he did. I'd tell him I need to build on things slowly, but that wasn't enough for him so he felt justified (I'm guessing) to seek intimacy elsewhere. I left and divorced him.

After our divorce we'd run into each other around town, started talking again, and seeing each other. He seldom drank, was reliable, the person I fell in love with before. We realized we both still really loved each other. He asked me to marry him again and I told him only if I keep seeing his hard work towards sobriety and that I needed 100% loyalty, that I didn't want a wash, rinse, repeat situation. My daughter's have been hurt by seeing my being hurt being in this relationship and that for all involved we had a lot of work to do to get through all of this to a happier life. He stuck with his sobriety and we had better communication than ever before. I was happier than I ever thought possible with him and my daughter's were happy for us. Six months later we got married. I loved him more than I ever did before and looked forward to a better future together.

Three months after we got remarried his father had 2 heart attacks in 1 day and we thought he wasn't going to make it. My husband's drinking started full force along with his criticism, verbal/emotional abuse, lying, not coming home for hours, everything except no contact with other women (that I'm aware of). His father recovered, my husband and his drinking did not. It got so bad that he would pass out while we were out doing things together. One time on a sidewalk that resulted in him being taken to the hospital in an ambulance and him saying "F#ck you" to me when the emts were telling him we were trying to help him. Things got so bad after several days of being torn down verbally, dealing with him passed out, I took off my ring and said I can't do this anymore.

He went to visit a friend out of state and 2 weeks later came back to get all of his things and moved to that state. I have been a wreck since he's been gone. It's been 6 weeks and the first 3 I could barely eat or sleep and would cry all the time. Nothing feels the same with him gone. I am reminded of him everywhere I go and think of him all the time. I feel lost, devastated, confused, sad, scared to move forward. I felt so sure I was done with him, but the emotional pain has been so strong it feels almost unbearable at times. We talk frequently on the phone. He says he loves me and breaks down sobbing often. I can't bring myself to file the divorce papers and he has asked me not to file yet. I don't want to live in chaos with his drinking anymore and I don't trust him. I found out 4 days after he left he was posting/responding to Craigslist personal ads for casual encounters.

In addition to all of this a week before he left I was robbed at gunpoint, and 2 weeks after he left my doctor told me I have cancer. I had to move out of our place and am staying with one of my daughter's temporarily until I can get a place. It's been hard to find any place with what I can afford with my part time job. I am completely overwhelmed and can't afford counseling. The only free place I've been to the counselor didn't understand the dynamic of alcoholism even though I specifically requested someone to talk to that had experience with all of that.

I'm torn what to do. I know what's in my best interest but my heart pulls me towards him. I am sad all the time now. This is all so much harder than I thought it was going to be. Harder than when I left him before. He sent me a text today saying that marriage vows say for better and for worse. I know he doesn't want me to continue on with the divorce. I'm not sure what I want to do with that anymore.

Sorry if I've rambled on. Just need to know I'm not alone in dealing with this whole addiction dynamic.

CarryOn

Welcome RLF, sorry for what brought you here. I'm relatively new here too, but I assure you others will be along shortly with greetings, experience, etc.

You did not say what you did for you the first time through, did you go to Al-Anon? I have found it very helpful, and a place where I can find others that can relate. Please surround yourself with those that can offer support and help you take care of yourself.

I'm so sorry to hear of your cancer diagnosis. I'm a big believer in the idea a Higher Power will not give someone more than they can handle, so I believe you will get through this, likely with strength & new knowledge. I will pray for you & send positive thoughts. You are not alone. (((Hugs)))

wicked

Hello RLF,


No wonder you are overwhelmed! You are suffering from cancer, PTSD (I am thinking from your marriage and being held at gunpoint) and you are married to an actively drinking down in the trenches drunk.

Okay, you must get support for the cancer first.
I am not a medical professional, just someone who has some experience with some of your problems.
At the hospital, there should be a social worker there who can help you find the help you need.
Also, as a victim of a violent crime, there could be a support group or victim's advocate who could get you counseling and help for your traumatic experiences.
I hope there would be no charge for any support groups for cancer.
There is no charge for going to AlAnon, please start going as soon as possible.
Is there a reason you must get out of your daughter's house quickly?
Oh, I think at AlAnon, you could get some ideas about counselors too.
You are entitled to a lot of help. A lot.
I understand your head is spinning and you think the way to stop it is to go back to what you know!

Please, do not go back to hell just because it is familiar, it is still hell.
You know there is better for you, and if you do not know it,
you must get help to find it.

Okay, does he do his part now? As in support you in your time of trauma and need?
After your diagnosis and being held up at gunpoint?
You are staying at your daughter's house, and he is posting for casual encounters.

This is what you get with him. 4 days after he left. Not even one week.
Have you been tested for any STD's yet?

It sounds like you are trying to break an addiction to him.
Emotionally addicted to chaos and heartbreak.
I do understand that too. I have done it myself.
I was able to get out. You can too.

Please try to give it some time without speaking to him.
Going no contact will allow your brain to function better.
Looking from the outside, he looks like a self-seeking, self -serving, selfish drunk.
I was one, and he fits the bill.
He is not treating you with the dignity and respect any human being deserves.

Please keep coming back RFL, I do care how you are doing and hope you come back for the others who will surely post more tonight and tomorrow.

I am glad you found us.

to Sober Recovery

Beth

recovering alcoholic, recovering codependent, recovering ACoA.

EnglishGarden

A warm welcome to you, RLF, and here you will connect with those who do understand your profound grief, loss, loneliness, and fear. This is a dark night of the soul for you, it is agonizing, overwhelming. And you need not be alone while you are experiencing it. I believe that isolation is devastating for the woman whose heart is breaking because of her love for an alcoholic. I think addiction itself has a plan, and that plan is to rob both the alcoholic and his spouse of the love and support they so desperately need. The alcoholic cuts off all meaningful human relationship as he becomes more obsessed with alcohol. And the spouse cuts off meaningful relationships as she becomes more obsessed with him. Addiction has them both in its grip.

It is like a broken record here, but because we all know that many people cannot afford one-on-one counseling, we urge the spouses of alcoholics to break out of their draining isolation and to attend Al-Anon meetings. When one does this, it is not always the meeting itself which brings about the transformation in her. It is the act. The act of pulling herself together, praying to whatever higher power she chooses for help to get her through that door into the Al-Anon room, the act of sitting for one hour and actually suspending her obsession with the alcoholic. Al-Anon meetings I think are a kind of labyrinth. The repetition of the Al-anon format that is read aloud, the language that speaks to the tortured heart of the newcomer: "We, too, were lonely and frustrated, but in Al-Anon we learned that no situation is hopeless, and that it is possible to find contentment and even happiness whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not." If you find a solid group, a group with a solid core of longtimers who have worked the 12-steps, have lived with both active and recovering alcoholics, who have been where you are today--ill, defeated, uprooted, broke, and longing for the person they love to stop drinking and come back to them--you will find health, hope, roots, resources, and faith enough to find a serenity you cannot imagine today.

It is the only suggestion I can offer you tonight which I know could work for you. You may not like the first meeting, or the people in it. But take the free literature, try it a second time, or try another meeting. Remember, it is the very act of going that is the subtle and powerful beginning of dramatic change in your life. So many of us here went into our first meeting broken, men and women here alike. And many of us--men and women alike--cried openly for the first few meetings. One of my close friends cried at every meeting for a year. But she kept going and she healed.

I would also like to suggest that you add another 12-Step meeting to your life, to see whether it might be a fit for you, a safe place among others who understand, and that would be an S-Anon meeting, for partners of people with sex addiction. Sex addiction manifests in a variety of behaviors, some people think their partners do not have a sex addiction because they do not know what behaviors fall under that definition. But if you go to a meeting of S-Anon and listen, take home the free literature, perhaps you will find some answers and perhaps some comfort to be among those who have had your problems and understand as no one else can.

These are the crises which force us to face reality. In our love for an addicted person, we fight against reality, but sooner or later, we realize we must face it and work with it.

Your priority now is to get excellent medical care to make a thorough recovery (I have many friends who have done just that) and to, I hope, find the care of the soul you need so very much today.

Don't give up on finding another counselor. The famous psychiatrist Carl Jung said it is not so much the training of the counselor, the educational merits. It is about the feeling one has with that person. If you like the individual, and the feeling seems to be mutual (after a few sessions to get over the awkward opening), then that is the person for you. You can both learn from each other. And if it feels safe to you, then you will know your Guardian Angel has given you his or her blessing.

There is tremendous hope for you. Keep posting on SR, but also, find those safe places and safe people where you are, to take your pain, to be loved for who you are. That is what you need.

Tuffgirl

Welcome, RLF. I can't say it any better than the posters above - such great posts! - but I do want to extend a warm welcome and to let you know you are not alone in this journey.

However, you are married to an alcoholic asshat, and by that I mean he has his head so completely stuck up the other end he can't see daylight anymore. Addictions do that to people. It's quite common.

What you feel today, right now, won't last. It's temporary, and although it feels like it will be your demise, it won't be. Right now you have too much on your plate, so maybe try to take things one at a time. What is the utmost priority here? You and your physical health. Set everything aside and focus on that. Second would be your emotional health. We can't have balance in our life without the two being in harmony. Find a good physician and find a good therapist.

Notice I didn't say anywhere that your marriage is a priority. Right now, it's not. His priority is finding sobriety again and sticking with it this time. Tell him this, and be very clear about it. You have the rest of your lives to be married. Right now, you both need to focus on your health, or the marriage will be very short-lived anyway.

Al-Anon is a wonderful resource, and keep posting here, too.
Peace,
~T

DG0409

It seems to me that he only thinks that applies to YOU. Doesn't seem like he's honored his marriage vows during the worse times and maybe not during some of the better ones.

I think him saying that is just meant to be manipulative and make you feel bad. This is just my opinion, but I think he's already broken the marriage vows so it's ridiculous for him to think you should still have to keep up your side.

Sending lots of hugs your way.

Florence

^^^^ This!

Also, have you considered going no contact with him to give yourself the time and space to get your ducks in a row? It was helpful for me to go as no contact as possible to start untangling myself emotionally from the alcoholic/codependent web.

EverHopeful721

^^^Agreed!! HIM telling YOU that marriage vows are for better or worse is manipulative, disgusting and downright laughable when he is out trolling for women through personal ads!! So YOU have to honor them, but HE doesn't??? NO WAY!!! You need to concentrate on yourself right now and put your health, both physical and mental, above ALL else right now, including HIM. Maybe I'm just misinterpreting what you wrote, but it seems as if the cheating isn't always necessarily dependent on the drinking....and if that's the case, then even if you take alcohol out of the equation, he is still a cheater. You deserve so much better, RLF.....I really hope you are able to put yourself and your health first and move away from this painful, hurtful situation, which is only going to have an adverse effect on your health. Sending hugs.

RLF

Thanks to everyone for your warm welcome. It really has made me feel a lot better.

This is my 3rd attempt at responding. I've lost several hours already writing out a response only to be logged out by the time I'm done and ready to post and then find out I've completely lost everything I've just typed out.

So once again just want to say Thank You.

DG0409

I type my longer responses in Notepad or Word on my computer and that way, I don't lose them if I get logged out or have internet problems. Then when I'm ready to post, I just copy & paste.

I've lost stuff before, too and it's so darn frustrating.

honeypig

Yes, was just going to suggest exactly this. Some posts can't be composed in 5 minutes or less!

EnglishGarden

It's good to hear from you again, RLF. Those hours weren't lost. The time you spent writing was probably very important and helpful for you. But anytime you want to start a new thread (or continue this one), there are many here who will be ready to offer supportive feedback!