CentralOhioDad

Good Morning, All,

So, I was steaming yesterday while ironing shirts.. Of course I was steaming, I was ironing! Okay, moving on - I was steaming because my To-Do List is a mile long, and AW is asleep on the couch while DS napped because she "was tired". Oh, that's right, I'm not tired at all!

So, while I'm steaming in my head while steam-ironing my shirts, I think I figured out (one of) my problems: I expect too much. I expect that when she has a day off during the week, that she will actually DO something around the house that needs done, instead of messing around on the computer all day. I expect her to see that there are a 100+ things to do around the house and do some of them instead of lying around on the couch while I tackle the list. I've been working extra hours at work, working in the evenings at home, and would (here it comes) 'EXPECT' that she would realize how much I have to do, realize what needs to be done, and just do it! The she says, "Well, why don't you sit down and do nothing?". I said, "Because there are a ton of things to do, and they won't take care of themselves, that's why." Yes, I would LOVE to be able to sit down and do NOTHING, but I've rarely done that in the 3+ years since DS was born.

I expect that when she says she will make Sunday dinner, that she will actually follow-through and not look at me at the last minute and say, "I don't feel like cooking, what are you making?".

I've read a lot on the forum about expectations, and basically to have none when living with an A, but it didn't hit me until yesterday, and how it related to me. Now I need to figure out how to throw out every expectation I have, and just realize that I'm leading a single-parent's life without technically being a single-parent.

Rant over for the day. Thanks for reading... I'm tired.

C-OH Dad

Katiekate

In a healthy, loving relationship , it goes like this.

This is what needs to be done, xyz, I'll do x and y, okay honey I'll do z.

Then lets relax for the rest of the day and cook a nice dinner later on.

Sounds great.

I never had anything like that with my xabf.

I don't miss him

dandylion

Dear CentralOhioDad, as far as I can see, a marriage with an active alcoholic is not like a normal, happy (non-alcoholic) marriage. The business about detaching and lowering of expectations (as I see it), is to decrease the major conflicts while buying time. Time to figure out what you want and decide what to act on. To get to understand yourself in your own program of growth. Detachment and lowered expectations are to keep YOU from going crazy and stabilize a bit.

Marriage takes loads and loads of co-operation and compromise--even more so when the babies are introduced!

Very few people can live (happily) with an active alcoholic. The disease is just too selfish and all-consuming for the alcoholic to function in a healthy way.

My thoughts on your situation....

dandylion


P.S. How does one iron a shirt??? I've heard about it.....

FireSprite

Yeah, those expectations can be sneaky little things.... I would've adamently, vehemently denied having any and then have an AHA moment like you describe. It sucks too because it seems reasonable to have an expectation based on what someone tells you they will do (i.e. your "I'm making dinner" example) but the reality is that you can't when that other person is actively drinking.

We struggle with this in RAH's recovery too - it's not something that magically corrects itself once an A seeks recovery... he still struggles with effective communication so it often leads to these kinds of unmet expectations even though he's trying hard not to let that happen.

CentralOhioDad

I am actually quite good at ironing, and enjoy doing it - when I have the time. But, it's something she COULD have done while I was tackling projects around the house that she couldn't do. Ya know, that whole spirit of cooperation thing!

Now, I'm going to have to take time of during the week so that I have time and space to get stuff done, even though it need not be that way.

amy55

Once upon a time, long, long time ago, when I was married to an A, I had the "to do" list. Had at least 25 things on it.

I made the list, and left it out on the kitchen counter, because I knew that when he got drunk, he would verbally abuse me, then refuse to speak to me for a few days, then he would want to make things better, and he would go to the "to do" list, and do about 2 or 3 things on the list.

I actually thought this was normal

Ironing, --- I used to love ironing. I even ironed men's undershirts, and cotton boxers.... Now if I need something ironed, I need to wipe the cobwebs off the iron.

I have learned to have no expectations, then you do not get disappointed !!!!! But still had to get that divorce !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

m1k3

COD, try something different. Don't do for her what she can do for herself. If you wash clothes just wash yours. If you cook dinner just make enough for yourself. As for your to-do list only focus on those things that have to be done and do them one at a time, then take some time for your self.

If you don't take care of you who will? Be selfish, it's ok.

Your friend,

CentralOhioDad

This all goes back to my post of about a month ago when I wrote: "I don't have time to fart!".

Florence

Just fart!

FireSprite

Great advice Mike. I've done this & it makes an impact. AH got a bit pi$$y about it at first, but really my work load decreased significantly enough that I could not have cared any less about what his issues were. It was about me making time FOR ME to be sane. A full grown adult man can handle washing his own underwear & if not, not my problem.

Jazzman

Expectations are future resentments. Shirts are 99 cents at my dry cleaners. You need a weekend boys trip to the keys. Grab a buddy and do it man! No excuses, just do it.

AnvilheadII

COD...remember the saying we teach people how to treat us? you have taught her that she can schlepp about in a completely useless fashion and YOU will take care of everything. the consequence for her bailing on dinner at the last minute is??? YOU will cook.

your expectations are NOT unreasonable...in a partnership everybody pitches in. yesterday, sunday, is my traditional grocery shopping for the week day. now this isn't exactly the highlight of my week but 85% of the time i don't mind, just DO it. well yesterday i just flat didn't feel it...didn't wanna...and i secretly launched a campaign of dawdling to see if perhaps hank would volunteer, knowing i'd have better luck with a powerball ticket with all 1's for numbers.

didn't happen. he did however make an awesome breakfast...ok i helped, i pulled the hash browns out of the freezer and banged on them with my fist to break them up a bit. to HIS credit he didn't even mention Winco.

then we took a nice nap. and he mentioned he really should mow the yard. and later again, mentioned he should mow the yard. and i said well since half the household here has blown off ONE major task, maybe you should follow suit?? instead he ran to the little butcher/produce stand and got some baby back ribs, 3 ears of the sweetest best corn EVER and a pint of fresh raspberries. he grilled, i let him!

i did run the vacuum, sweep the floors, change the linens, get all his work clothes laundered and ready for the week, scrubbed a toilet, slammed out some dishes, emptied the trash....

even tho SOME stuff didn't get done, no one person was left to DO IT ALL. that's a classic codie trap by the way....i do, i do, and i do for you and THIS is the thanks i get??

you're not IN a partnership, COD. you're more like an indentured servant - one off from a cabana boy, only you don't fetch her drinks.

4MyBoys

From my perspectvice, this is one of the things I miss the least after leaving. I too was living the life of a single parent already. Except that I was having to do all the cooking and cleaning for an extra person who was really uninvolved in our life. I might as well have been doing the laundry and cooking dinner for a hobo living under my house with as much help in the house as I was getting from the STBX. Oh don't get me wrong he spent hours working outside in the barn or on the tractor every day. Translation, drinking while driving the tractor or drinking and smoking in the barn....

When I moved out I was scared to take on what I thought would be all the responsibility of the household but guess what nothing changed! If anything if was easier. If something was left undone I am the only one to blame. No more getting mad at dishes left undone or dirty clothes left on the floor.

I really think you need to approach this one while taking the drink out of the mix. (Pun intended). Would you consider this a happy marriage with the division of duties divided like this even if no drinking was involved? When your marriage gets to the point you can't even work on details like dinner and laundry together anymore, I think you are heading for trouble.

Good luck, I hated, hated, hated, feeling so angry at someone for not wanting to be an active part in my family. I feel for you.

4MyBoys

EnglishGarden

You are among friends, Ohio. Just keep sorting it all out. (Oops,,,,that sounds like I meant the laundry. I did not!)

lizatola

Yeah, I've had to do this too. When I came back from a 4 day weekend and saw that the master bathroom toilet was a mess: black sooty stuff in there with tp, I asked AH, "What the heck happened in there?" He didn't even know what I was talking about. He flushed it but the bowl was disgusting. I decided I was tired of cleaning up his toilet messes. I left the bowl brush and cleaner sitting right in front of the toilet for him. He could choose to move them or he could choose to scrub it. He scrubbed it. Passive aggressive on my part? Yes, probably, but I am so dang tired of cleaning up his messes, asking him to be more considerate, and then getting nothing done in return. I totally understand the expectations thing, too. And, to add my own vent, I don't understand why my AH will take on a huge project like painting the patio(around the whole pool) on his own yet neglect the projects that need to be done that I've asked him to do? To him, painting the deck/patio(which was fine but faded) was more important than other things.

Although, I really can't complain too much. He does help with laundry and he can iron his own shirts cause I don't know how to iron, LOL!

Crazed

I feel for what you are saying, COD. Just remember, it is OK for you to every once in a while lay around a just do nothing!

theseithakas

I never really thought of this situation as a codie/A dynamic, but now I can see it, especially with the "look at all the things I do for you and you do nothing for meeeee!" kind of attitude that I'm prone to have.

I never know how to solve this problem. I can't really just do enough for myself, because if I just do my own dirty dishes, there are still dishes in the sink. ABF helps sometimes, it's just much more sporadic than I prefer. Oh COD. I feel your pain.

Lulu39

My XAH used to do that, except he would start making Sunday dinner (when he was drunk) but halfway through would start making drunk calls to people/ abusing me/ ranting about something. Then he'd turn off the dinner or let it burn while he drank more/made drunken phone calls/yelled at me and at at around 9pm announce to the family that "I don't feel like cooking for you ungrateful people any more! Finish cooking it yourself or make something for yourselves!".

There were many, many, many occasions when he presented me a plate of burnt crap for dinner at bedtime, those times I waited until he wasn't looking and tossed it in the garbage or gave it to the dog. If the crap he served up was timely or not burned I often threw it out anyway because to actually GET the food I'd have to tolerate 3 hours of drunken abuse while he cooked it and by then I was so upset and ready to explode I couldn't even swallow any food.

Yes.

Being a single parent got easier for me when I kicked him out and went from being a technical single parent to a real single parent.

CentralOhioDad

But then I feel like I'll get even FURTHER behind!!

outonalimb

(((COD))))

My heart goes out to you because I've been where you are right now.

Because you are dealing with a progressive disease, it's only going to get worse. Less and less of your needs/expectations are going to be filled. Remember, she isn't doing this TO YOU, she's just an alcoholic. She's sick. And the disease is taking over more and more each day. I'm only reminding you of this because when I was doing what you are doing (which was pretty much EVERYTHING) around the house and to care for our son, I carried around alot of resentment and anger while doing it. I mean, who wouldn't be angry and resentful? The thing is, this anger and resentment will harm you physically, spiritually, and emotionally. It takes its toll whether you realize it or not.

I know you've gone to at least two different consults with attorneys. I know you're working to understand this disease and figure out how to best deal with and eventually disengage yourself from it on a daily basis. It takes time. It's a process. In the meantime, try to remember that she's just sick. Consider her incapable of doing the things you want and expect and go about your day accordingly. Its' sad. It's hard to live with active alcoholism. But you've got to take the focus off of her and keep it on YOU.

I like the suggestion that you get away for a boys weekend. You need a break. the best thing you can do for you and your son is take care of yourself. That's even more important than keeping the house clean and the shirts ironed.

I see remarkable progress in you. Keep going. We're all cheering you on and holding you up.

Mary