will it ever end
 

Hi, everyone,
I just want to say that this is a wonderful place to get lots of good info and not to feel so alone. :You_Rock_
I guess,and if Im worng please tell me, maybe Im not getting the whole picture. my H isnt in recovery, but he has cut down his drinking alot,he now believes he can control it.still drinks and drives. I have pretty much detached myself from him.I dont go with him when he drinks,cuz if I do he drinks twice as much cuz I drive. I guess what Im wondering is, so many people spend a good deal of their life detached from their A,then they have to endure the ,hatefulness and attitude of recovery,then the A has to detach from you to focus on themself to get better along with their entire support group and most of the time that doesnt enclude you....then to top it all off,its our fault. when does it end? do you ever get to be important again? with a A in treatment what are the sucess rate for recovery and the marriage to remain intact? does the person you fell in love with ever return? I guess Im just searching for a thread to hold on to.

Hi stressed. I don't think it ever ends, I think it changes and we somehow make peace with things and make decisions. I don't know about recovery rates (I know they're not great), but I do know my A has the tools for recovery if he so chooses. And that's what it's all about -- he has to make his choices and I have to make mine. This has been the toughest thing in the world for me but also the most liberating. I feel better now than I have in a very long time and it's not because my husband has made some miraculous turnaround. I'm becoming more comfortable with me and getting better at being nice to me. You get to be important again, because you can put yourself in first place!

Well said Whiplash! We are as important as we choose to be when we stop rating ourselves on someone else's scale.

Alot of relationships survive recovery and alot don't. One spouse can recover and leave the other behind...personally I prefer to be the one that keeps moving forward. He is more than welcome to come along for the ride.

Hugs,
JT

Hi Stressedout,

I wish I had an answer for you. Everyone is different. We all have our own threshholds of pain I guess. I put up with an A b/f for 8 years eventhough he kept pulling all kinds of garbage on me. The worst thing was that he never let me get close. It's what I wanted the most and the thing he avoided the most. He used to tell me that it was because he didn't want to hurt me. I think it's because he didn't want to be the one who got hurt.

He's been in and out of AA many times over the years. I don't think he ever made it past 90 days. I never noticed much of a change during those times other than he craved ice cream for the sugar content. But then, in his case, I think he had so many other issues to deal with that drinking was only the beginning. Even if he had stopped, there would have been so many other things to deal with that he may never have been able to have a "normal" life.

So, I agree with Whiplash. It doesn't end, it just changes or evolves. What direction it takes is up to the people involved. And, as always, the only person you can control is you.


Gracie