Finding positive in the mix...

Old 06-09-2013, 02:52 PM
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Finding positive in the mix...

When I think about the time that I spent with my STBXAH and all of the negative that was present at that time and is still present now that we are working out parenting time, it is hard to see anything positive. I realized last night while I was sitting at the ER with my son and stewing over the fact that the court was forcing me to let STBXAH know about everything medical and every time I do he shoots back a nasty text about why he isn't coming, that the end result wasn't all negative. There have been positives that have come about from my time with him and my leaving. I realized that even though I was annoyed with him for fighting for rights for a son he doesn't care about, I wasn't upset in any way that he wasn't there or feeling as if I needed him. Right then and there it hit me....My time with him has made me a stronger person in every way possible. Things that used to evoke a nervousness in me and make me feel as if I needed him (or someone) to make it through, no longer do. It was an empowering realization. We all seem to see a lot of the negatives in our lives, but we fail sometimes to look at the positives.

My dealings with the A in my life caused me to come out the other side of the tunnel a strong, independent woman who knows that she can do anything without the aid of another human being when I put my mind to it.

What are some positive traits or situations that have developed in your lives thanks to your time with the A in your life?
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Old 06-09-2013, 04:03 PM
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Originally Posted by Tryingtoletgo3 View Post

What are some positive traits or situations that have developed in your lives thanks to your time with the A in your life?


<Crickets Chirpping>

hahahahha.

naw. Just joking.

There has to be something.

Will ponder this a bit.
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Old 06-09-2013, 04:10 PM
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good stuff! great post!

one of those A's would be my mom. weird, I remember when she began to distance herself from me (single parent, only child) shortly HER mom died. I was 12. from then on I really don't remember much GOOD stuff...it was like my mom was just DONE trying to be a parent...she went on a lot of trips, business you know, and I was left to my own devices...not starving, god,there was food and I was FAR from deprived...it's that, I was left alone. even when she was home she worked late (mind you she was the manager of the apt building we lived in, her office was one flight up). and then there was her "boss" Bill...who came over almost every night, after dinner....and then it was always...Theresa Renee, go to your room, Bill and I have business to discuss." almost EVERY night...one moment it's mom and I, next moment HE is there and I am sent away. (should I mention that he was married with 12 kids???? and I was friends with the kids???).

it was hank, actually, that got me to thinking about all the good things my mom had been to my life, and such a big part of who I am today. he said...your mom must have been a helluva woman to raise a gal like you. I have a framed pic of my mom, standing on the stern of our boat, The Dilly, when she was commodore of the Ketchikan Yacht Club...all 5'4" of her, in her cute little above the knees white pleated skirt, dark blue jacket, white pumps, and captains hat....saluting. hank, who had never met my mom, began to salute back sometimes.

and I began to tell him the stories.....he knows the only verbal advice my mother gave me was Don't Ride Around in Cars with Boys and ALWAYS put your napkin in your lap! (Theresa Renee? yes mom. Do you plan to EAT that napkin? no. then get it off the table and into your lap.

what were the lessons there? don't be stupid and put yourself in harms way....and always remember your manners. safety. respect.

not bad lessons, eh?
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Old 06-09-2013, 08:22 PM
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Yeah for the silver lining!

Detachment! I am still learning it, but I am finding many situations in which I can apply it. The non-A situations are sometimes easier, but I feel they give me good practice for applying it to my A.
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Old 06-10-2013, 05:34 AM
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Ok, had to ponder a while for a good while.

Answer -- Drove the rest of us much closer to God.

Daughter to Alateen, me to Alanon.

So I guess that is some good.

So I suppose All Things Work Together For Good -- For Those Who Love God.
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Old 06-10-2013, 05:56 AM
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It's ironic, really. I've always been taught to be polite and put other people's needs above my own. And that everything can be solved if you just sit down and reason with people.

Being married to an A taught me that there are people who cannot be reasoned with, and that its not just colorblind people who are incapable of seeing the world the way the rest of us do.

Divorcing an A has taught me that I have the absolute right to stand up for my needs and the needs of my children. I have learned to speak for us, calmly and strongly, even if on the inside, I'm terrified.
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Old 06-10-2013, 06:26 AM
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For me, it unintentionally sent me down the rabbit hole & forced me to see things in a different way as an adult woman with an AH vs. a child of an addict. I thought I had done my healing & understood my damage but when I started to deal with having an alcoholic spouse it triggered something in me and I more clearly saw the duality of events then & now. He hid most of his abusive drinking from me for a long time so I was slow to learn that our problems were the result of alcohol; my dad was much more obvious. They situations are so very different in a LOT of ways, but the similarities are also stunning. I was really lost at first when he started AA & didn't understand anything about seeking my own recovery until I found SR & started reading, reading, reading.

In finding my way through my own recovery I feel like I'm healing my Inner Child alongside my Adult Woman; and focusing on what is best for DD & keeping her from having TOO much damage down the road somehow feeds back to helping me deal with my IC too... it's like a giant circle of energy.

I was a strong & confident person before all this sucked the life out of me & I know that I will be stronger & MORE confident again because the changes I am making are significant & lasting & go all the way down to the core of who I am.
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Old 06-10-2013, 09:07 AM
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For me, it is really teaching me a LOT about not doing for others what they can (and should) do for themselves. I honestly never thought I did stuff for others (w/o them asking/needing/wanting it, even!) nearly as much as I did!

Example: Today RAH comments that now that he is not hungover every AM, he is finding that he can't drink regular coffee like he did w/o feeling like "the skin on my face is standing up." Past response would have been for me to start preemptively mixing my decaf half and half w/his high-test so it wouldn't bother him, and he wouldn't have to remember that it causes a problem to drink high test or actually take the action of pouring some decaf into his cup along w/the regular. Current response? Said, "You know, I keep a container of brewed decaf on the counter for me to drink throughout the day; you are more than welcome to take some to cut your high-test with."

That may seem really small and really stupid, but it is an AMAZING step for me. Plus, I see how incredibly, astoundingly, overwhelmingly often I did this in the past, not just for him but for virtually anyone who crossed my path and needed ANYTHING! Good lord....

So thanks for the thread; this is an interesting topic. Hope it gets more thoughts.
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Old 06-10-2013, 09:35 AM
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Originally Posted by honeypig View Post
Plus, I see how incredibly, astoundingly, overwhelmingly often I did this in the past, not just for him but for virtually anyone who crossed my path and needed ANYTHING! Good lord....
I completely agree with this too - this kind of awareness made me look beyond RAH & into other relationships. Again this relates to my ACoA issues, but the most notable problems were with my mother & sister & the roles we had each taken around my father's addiction & then his subsequent death.

For decades I have interpreted my sister's problems as mine to fix/solve, which was wrong for both of us. With both of them I have always been in the driver's seat whether I liked it or not because otherwise no one was driving at all & I simply have the strongest personality.... .. eventually we all thought of this as my choice, that I liked having this kind of control. As a result, over time, everything relating to my family felt like an obligation.

In reality, I would like to be carefree & spontaneous & feed my creative side more so that's what I work on now. I've pulled my energy back from them & their lives & sometimes I may go too far & isolate myself because I'm not yet sure where my boundaries are.
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Old 06-10-2013, 09:43 AM
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The more I think about this, more comes to light. Before my STBXAH I let people walk on me. That part of me is gone now thanks to him. In a way, he made me look at myself and see the parts that had developed that I knew weren't who I wanted to be. Another big change is that I will never feel the obligation to lie for someone again. While we were together I felt like I had to lie for him to protect him. He would tell me to lie so that others would see him for who he wanted to be perceived as and not who he actually was. I know now that someone who requires dishonesty, isn't worth the time and in actuality, even though the lies were meant for others, I was really just lying to myself.
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