LD0810

So I've known it would come to this because with every passing year I've become more invisible to my husband so last week i posted about being at my wits end & thinking it was time to contact a solicitor but was struggling to make the call...

However on Friday my 7 yr old told my step daughter that she didnt like coming home cause mammy & daddy always fight so an hour later I made app & I see family law woman on Tuesday

I approached hubby about this hordeous turn of events & he said to me " well you better sort yourself out"
So it's all my fault well F you, I thought that news that broke my heart might penetrate what I call his bubble of denial but nothing, not even a sratch. So I told him I've the app to see how to get him out

I was away with my friends at weekend and was kinda hoping some time apart might see him reflect
So when I asked him he just said if I wanted a separation then fine

I am gutted I thought maybe he'd fight for us & the kids
I said to him so you won't reduce your drinking to save our marriage & live with your young kids and you think you've no issues with alcohol!!! Apparently if he complied with my "get sober or get out" ultimatum that he'd be letting me label him as an alcoholic which of course he's not...

Sure what the hell am I meant to do with that
I explained that I did not WANT to separate but that he's left me no choice, told him I still love him & then he said "I don't think I still love you"

So without a doubt the booze is winning this one....
God it's my sisters wedding in 3 weeks & we are all in the wedding party & I've to give a speech as our father is dead, how am I going to pull this off?? Being at the wedding & my marriage on its knees & how am I going to cope with telling the kids...

wicked

Oh my,
the welcome I wrote just got lost.

I am so glad you found your way here LD0810.
This is where you need to be asking questions about what is happening in your life.

As you found out (I am so very sorry) ultimatums to alcoholics are an excellent excuse to drink. It was one of my very best favorite reasons to drink.
"I am a grown up and blah and blah and blah"

He cannot give up alcohol for you or your marriage or your children,
that is not the choice to him,
his choice is live with a buzz or live without a buzz,
option two is terrifying.

so, sit back, do a little reading of the stickies and learn that this is no battle for you.
It is for him only.

What can you do to improve YOUR life today?
Then what can you do to protect your children from any more alcoholism?

The solution usually lies in the area of the problem.
Detaching from the problem which is alcohol.
If he stays attached you have to detach from him.

I am sorry for that.

Breathe in and out.
You have a few days to a wedding.
Stay here and fix today.
Tomorrow will come anyway.

Praying for peace,

Beth

dandylion

Dear LD0810, first, take a deep breath---as wicked suggested. I am sure that you feel like your life is falling apart, right now. But, first things first...one step at a time.

Actually, his reactions sound pretty typical of an alcoholic in denial. It is typical for them to be defensive and even hurtful. For now, just consider that everything he says is the alcohol talking. Because it is!!

You and the children must come first. I just checked on the internet and see that there are m any alanon and alateen meetings in Dublin. Prior to the wedding, I suggest that you get to as many meetings as you can work in. There you will find warm and welcoming support that will assist you in getting through. These are people who have been in your shoes and understand how you are feeling.

You might begin reading the Stickies at the top of this main page. They contain a wealth of experience and information that will come in handy for you.

Good for you on the action that you have already taken. Often we don't know what courage we have until there is no other option.

You will get through this. You are not alone. Come here to read and to post as often as you need. You are among friends.

sincerely,
dandylion

LD0810

Hi
Thanks for the advice
I think I've put a gun to my own head to make the decision to separate and I feel it's come about because I've only really 100% known for 3 months & I was hoping with me attending alanon & my changes in behaviour may spark one in him

Plus it's only in the last week that I've lost hope of this

So I'm taking a deep breath & giving myself a break
This doesn't have to happen at any great speed I can do this in my own time

I'll go for app tomorrow to see where I stand & where he stands
Any tips on living with activity? Thank it's not during the day, he drinks at night when we all in bed & he's never angry etc always so happy whilst drinking...