Closer to an end, but...

Old 06-08-2013, 01:16 PM
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Closer to an end, but...

I signed the settlement agreement yesterday, one step closer to making it XAW instead of STBXAW. That'll make typing easier haha! No big emotions, no great reflections, just another day. It seems like a fair settlement for both of us I think. I'm thankful there is no alimony, I didn't want to pay her so she could buy alcohol. Last few times I saw her we got along pretty good and it always ended with a big hug. When I saw her a few weeks ago she said she was 120 days sober, I told her I was proud & she should be too. Guess it's easy to stay sober in rehab and jail though. Says she's going to 3 meetings a week, good for her, maybe she realizes how important my "little meetings" were/are to me. Guess it doesn't matter what she thinks, she has her recovery, I have mine. Hopefully this month things will be final and we can both move on.

But.....(VENT ALERT) Saw a friend who told me she recently commented on FB that she HAD to stay drunk through our marriage. Really? So the drinking had nothing to do with our troubles? The sprains & broken bones that left me alone to take care of everything, the unemployment leaving only my income to support us, the DWI's, the car accidents, the 2 month hospital stays, the lying, the cheating, the unexplained disappearances? Oh ya! those had nothing to do with the drinking and they (including the drinking) CERTAINLY had nothing to do with the troubles in our marriage! Poor dear, had to stay drunk to deal with my steady income and faithfulness!

OK, I admit I had a part in it as well, but that's not what this vent is about! It was just a slap in the face after all I dealt with. But I guess I was the one dealing with it, not her. She was numb & these were not issues for her then, why should they be now? I'm thankful this is almost over.
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Old 06-08-2013, 01:43 PM
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Dear OhBoy, I understand how you feel, hearing that. Some day, you may realize what parts you played in the "dance" (knowingly or not). But, as for the fallout from alcoholism, I don't think that ever feels "Just". At best---maybe, "Just Is" (and, then, left in the past).

When I think about my marriage to my children's father--oh, so many years ago--I think that I was so very young (22yrs.) and very, very nieve. I did not have enough self-esteem to stand up to him sooner--that was my part. Young and soft. I don't take responsibility for the rest of it, though.

I think that the fact that you can go through this part without falling apart shows that you are truly ready to go on.

Congratulations on your growth.

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Old 06-08-2013, 06:02 PM
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Friend, soon she will no longer be your wife and you can officially leave her to take care of herself (not that she didn't always have that responsibility, mind you).

My AXH said the same thing after I left him, he went to rehab and the started drinking again. At one point, he asked me by email if I had ever considered WHY he had to drink so heavily when we were married when he hadn't before and when he was able to go to rehab and quit as soon as I was out of his life.

It's quacking. That's all it is. It's also not taking responsibility for your own actions which would be worrisome for a person who's supposedly recovering... But it's a process.

I don't think you need to worry about how she describes reality. You know the truth.
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Old 06-08-2013, 06:33 PM
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Originally Posted by lillamy View Post
At one point, he asked me by email if I had ever considered WHY he had to drink so heavily when we were married when he hadn't before ...
I got the same thing. Ignore it. You know full well no one forced booze down her throat. No one forced her to make the choices she made. She is responsible for her choices, not you.

I think its rather sad when I hear alcoholics say stuff like this. Sure, an unhappy marriage is stressful, but when one person is drinking that stress away, it makes fixing anything IMPOSSIBLE.

Hang in there,
~T
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Old 06-08-2013, 09:39 PM
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I have to agree with the others, it sounds like such ignorant denial & refusal to take full responsibility. (And OT - that dagnab FaceBook again!!)

Hang in there, it sounds like you can already see the light at the end of the tunnel!
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