Pilar

Hi all...Ive been reading for a few days now. I attempted a post the other day, but fortunately it didn't post. It was sobby, sappy, long, and needy. I can't promise this will be any different though!

So, here I sit by the window- watching to see who drops off my ABF and waiting on him to come home. We are a year and a half into our love affair. The first year was filled with drunken revelry, some nasty fights, ridiculous shenanigans, and the realization that he had a problem.
It wasn't obvious. From the outside he has it all. Education, wealth, success. He's envied by many in our small community. I was warned that he would break my heart. I was tying up a messy divorce that had taken years to complete, raising two incredible teens, and trying to navigate my new life. I fell for this cat...hard.
Eventually I realized why he was 40 and never married. His lifestyle was stupid at times. Getting drunk 3-4 nights a week, coking it up, and spending money like a mad man. He has had 4 DUI's, numerous close calls, many favors have been handed to him- the police driving him home instead if ticketing him, etc.
Six months ago- he had a blackout episode at a bar, gave his number out and then she texted him the following day. But I had already heard the gossip. I was crushed. I asked for space and he stopped drinking cold turkey. I didn't ask him to- he just did. no ultimatums's etc. He started going to AA, attending church with me, and after several months we combined families and moved in together.
It was an adjustment. Two teens, a preteen, a cat, a dog, and a gerbil. Yikes- it would intimidate the most well adjusted man. I had reservations and didn't and voiced them regularly. Sex stopped totally after sobriety. I could sense something. Finally I said- time out- maybe I should move out? He voiced some complaints...dirty dishes, bratty kids, my crankiness! Whoa! Really, I thought- all small potatoes. But he said, we need space- you should move. It was devastating, but a relief. I could feel it coming.
He wanted to continue our relationship and I said one day at a time. I'm hurt and angry. I'm afraid if his actions when he drinks.
He went out the following weekend and relapsed. I searched him out, brought him home, etc. He has pulled away though we are still living together. I am in the midst of getting my own place. I went on a work trip last week and he went out Friday and Saturday- he didn't even come home until Sunday at 4pm. He has stopped calling during the day, but still tries to kiss And hug me while he's home.
And here I sit-he didn't come home after work, except to drop his car. I can't sleep. I'm restless, hurt, saddened, and so confused.

Katiekate

I feel for you.

This is typical stuff with an alcoholic, because booze and drugs trump everything.

He has no idea what he wants, except he wants to get loaded.

How can we help????

You are important, it's time to start thinking about what you need in your life to be happy is my guess, and what it is that you are willing to subject your children to.

Welcome to SR, sounds like you have made the first step.

Looking forward to hearing more from you. Katie xo

Hammer

mkay. Jmho, he has a rough road ahead. Would recommend you do not take that ride with him.

Tracking the kids -- the teenagers are "yours" and have been protected and will remain so through this? The pre-teen is "his?" Who takes care of that kid?

BobbyJ

I could write a book of comments on your post...Ugh!

Since Im old and have lived thru years and years of the same behavior with my XAH
I will just ask you questions. Not that you have to answer them on here, but
through out your day....think about them, dig deep, and you answer them to yourself

1. Is he an alcoholic?
2. Do you think you can change him or he's going to change because of you?
*You might be a great person and a super mom- but your not powerful enough
to stop addiction. Read and educate yourself on addiction. Neither one of you
are any different than the rest of us....

3. Why do you allow someone to treat you like that? Dont you love yourself enough?
*Remember, we have a problem just as much as they have a problem. Why do
we allow them and not anyone else in the world, treat us like a dog? Go buy
a book or get online and read about: Codependency. It will help you tremendously!

4. Let just say, that I posted the same thing as you did.....What would you
your advice be, to me?

5. If you had a daughter and saw her living/dating or in a relationship like yours...
What would you tell her as a mother??
*Me, if it was my daughter...I would tell her to dump his hiney so fast that he
wouldnt know what hit him. And take I would take to her counseling to find out
why she allows such abuse in her relationships.

I hope you put these questions in your thoughts. Only you can answer them
and only you can be the one to change the situation.

Good Luck Princess

Pilar

He stumbled in after 3am. His friends dropped him off. That's the part that is boggling- these are his real, true friends- not bar buddies. They encouraged him during his sobriety and made it a point to tell him the changes are positive. Why would they participate in a relapse??????

Thanks for the welcome. I am going to go to Al-Anon. I have a lifetime of anger due to addiction growing up. My entire immediate family is consumed by addiction. I'm not sure how I let this happen. I'm so guarded. I feel like a schmuck actually.

His son lives over an hour away with his mother. He isn't exposed to alcohol at all when he's here. My ABF is very careful about that. Almost anal actually....now that I think about it- I have some resentment brewing because he hasn't been so careful to protect my kids. He's come home loaded a few times and been loud, etc. I see now that is a failing on my part for not protecting them from his alcoholism.

I really need to think about boundaries now. Can we still be friends? Do I cast the hurt aside and join him in a drink?

BobbyJ

Sitting around "thinking" about boundaries?? What good does that do?
Write them down - and stick to your guns!
A's have No boundaries within themselves or for others. They are selfish
and only care about their addiction.
So, prepare yourself....Gotta get tough....Arent you worth that??
You know the quote "Gotta love yourself first"

Friends?.....Thats like trying to be friends with a snake
Active A's arent even friends with themselves....silly!!!
If he got sober and truly changed his life around....that would be a different story
Sounds like he has years of (something) deep inside of him that he needs to work
on....just like you do....The codependency and messed up years of addiction in a family
runs deep and changes us too. Only you can fix that!

Maybe its time you learn to work
on you and see why you continue to allow these types of people in your life,
whether it be him or your drunk cousin, or other family members?

Wouldn't it be nice if YOU got nice and healthy inside of your soul....
To the point You learn to walk away, skip around or run fast from anyone that behaves crazy, treats or talks to you in such ways...Whether it be family, friends or boyfriends.

It took me awhile and alot of hard work on ME...but I got there and I will never go back
to that lifestyle again...Im worth more than that

Pilar

BobbyJ- I didn't see you post until now. You have given me much to consider.

BobbyJ

Setting "HEALTHY" boundaries for yourself might seem or feel like your a "cold" person.
It might even feel very awkward because its something that we're not use to doing.

When I stopped allowing my XAH to cause chaos, lies, manipulate, control or pity - Of course, his first reply is, "WTH? how can you be so cold to me?"
At first, I got covered in guilt, I become numb and slithered my way back down in the hole.
Stood up and tried it again, failed...Stood up and tried it again, failed
As many of my friends on this site - chewed my hiney! lol
Finally, the light came on....I set my boundarys, held them in place and didnt allow
his behavior, words, actions in my life....AND HOT DANG, it feels great!!!

Now, I apply that with all family and friends too! - If they cant be nice, honest
and sincere people - I move on. I'm not mean or snotty, actually Ive learned to say "Good-Bye - Kiss this" with a smile on my face and don't look back
Ive lost some old friends over this - but then I have gained new awesome friends who have brought so much happiness in my life (Uppers).
Guess, Ive learned that the old friends...are NOT good for me! (Downers)
I hang around...good people...good friends....and Im very picky on who I allow to be part of MY WORLD!!

My life is too short and theres too many good people out there to waste time on
people that treat me - mean or have no respect for my individuality let alone as a human. Whether it be relationships, family or friends - I've learned to love me!!!

Hope you read this and learn something from it....Love Yourself, Once you do...
You wont allow anyone to treat you bad. I have a guy friend who has been sober for 3 years now, he's been a great inspiration to me - One thing he taught me and it sounds weird, but I did what he said - Undress yourself in front of the mirror every morning, touch yourself and tell yourself how beautiful you are. Look into your own eyes. Do good things for yourself. Treat yourself to new things, shoes or whatever. Exercise. Join new clubs or groups that you would never think of doing. Go to church. Plant flowers. Call a friend that you havent talked to in awhile. Invite new friends over for dinner. Travel, even if its a quick trip down to the river. Go to big or small events in town. Paint. Take pictures. Dance. Cook up a storm. ....Those were his words!

I soaked them in and have been a mission ever since!!
and I love it.....My world has changed (FOR THE BETTER)

theseithakas

After my ABF relapsed last month, he started to half-blame the friends that he was with on the night in question. And for a minute, in my head, I was kind of like, "yeah, why DID they 'let' you drink?" Then I realized that, you know, it's not his friends' responsibility to keep him sober. It's his responsibility to keep himself sober. In my view, the only person who participated in his relapse is him. He's the one who knows the consequences of his drinking, not his friends. Placing blame on his friends is easy to do, both for the A and for us, because it takes some of the heat off him, but it's really not about his friends.

AnvilheadII

doesn't sound like much a of a love affair........more like a nightmare.

you and YOUR kids don't need this. no one does. he has nothing to offer except heartache, misery, drunken shenanigans, and the destruction of everything normal and stable in your life. sorry to be blunt, but it is what it is.

his friends are not the problem. they are not responsible for his drinking OR to help keep him sober. that's on him.

a good boundary would be I will not live with active addiction. period. and then take the appropriate steps to assure that. you are right it IS your job as mom to protect your kids. you can break the cycle of children growing up affected by addiction.

RollTide

Pilar,

I saw one really positive thing in your post. You said ABF instead of AH.

I accepted the unacceptable for way too long...made the mistake of getting married and living in total insanity. I think God for the day that I finally had the nerve to file for divorce. Now I seek healthy people in my life and have had to eliminate those who are unhealthy and not good for me. My life is much better.

It's hard to even think straight when you are in the middle of the storm. This place helped me more than anyone can ever know. It was truly a lifeline in a time of crisis. Also, Alanon was good for me (and still is).

Pilar

I feel oddly calm and comforted by your posts. After reading them- I reviewed my weekend. I was strong and detached, happy and nonconfrontational. I focused on me and my kiddos. We went to the movies, we talked and packed.
I did so well until Sunday. He stayed home Saturday night- it angered me immensely. I wanted my space, I wanted my anger. He got a movie and brought home gelato. A glimmer of the man I know and love. I awoke Sunday for church. I didn't wake him to join me. He got up and asked to go with. At church he was ON. Grinning and greeting, shaking hands and kissing babies...I wanted to vomit or kick him in the shin. He was loving, I was distant. He was over the top attentive, I was civil. We grilled out and he invited friends over. So insensitive, I thought. My "stuff" is boxed up and on display and the walls are barren. He became bf of the year. Kissing me, calling me baby, Raving about the food, drinking beer, grilling like a champ...all the while I feel like this is an altered world.
I let the insecurities creep in and started looking at his phone. Why do I do that?!?!?! I see a text from an unknown person. It seemed shady so I pretended to be him. The person let him know that he had some stuff. I said "Sure, I'm interested. What is it?" My heart was racing, I was hiding and texting....maybe this person is talking about mulch, or maybe rare books. Appaarently I don't speak illegal drug talk because He responded vaguely with "Whatever it is you're looking for." I wanted to text back a big "EFF You, Shiester McShady. Lose my bf's number and BTW- I'm turning your number in to the police." But I didn't. I deleted out convo and left his first text. I remained calm and decided- this isn't my problem. My problem is finding someone to help me move my stove a d refrigerator. My problem is getting new tires. My problem is deciding if I want an eclair for dessert or a sundae.
I did check his phone and he deleted the said text message. I copied the number just because I am envisioning calling the police and setting off a chain reaction drug bust that gets bf's attention...but I won't. I'm going to delete it.
This morning he reverted back to stoic, unavailable bf.