New to forum - AH am I being selfish or is this normal?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 13
New to forum - AH am I being selfish or is this normal?
Hi Everyone- new to this forum. I have been married to my husband for 14 years. For years we dealt with constant stress brought on by his crazy ex-wife. He drank (sometimes too much) when he felt stressed, typically before a court date, or when she was putting their kids in the middle/all of us through hell, etc. In some ways hating her gave us a lot to talk about and focus on. My husband also has chronic pain due to former sports injuries and convinced himself that drinking helped make him feel better. He hid his drinking from me for a long time (I knew he was drinking more than he should, but didn't realize how much more or how often). When I finally confronted him, he admitted that he should cut back or quit. We also drifted apart. His drinking became his priority. He had also been laid off from his job and had a difficult time finding and keeping any new jobs for the past several years. This really lowered his self esteem and confidence. He was angry and depressed a lot especially after a night of drinking and/or smoking pot. He has been taking an anti-depressant for the last several years which has helped with his temper, but when he drinks it almost nullifies it. He kept thinking (and telling me) that he really only drinks on the weekends, which was far from the truth. Last weekend, he was hammered Friday and Saturday night. I was convinced he was cheating on me. I didn't know what to do but decided to confront him. He said he knows he needs to quit drinking and was really shocked that I thought he was cheating. He also has a bad habit of lying to me (mostly to cover up how much he drank), however now I really don't think he was cheating. We had a great talk and he said he wanted to go to AA. He looked up meeting times and actually went to one last night. He didn't go into the meeting but didn't drink or smoke pot either. He has been more affectionate to me since we talked Sunday. He is working (started his own company and is really excited. In also know he is afraid of failing and will if he starts drinking. I'm proud of him and want more than anything to have the man I love back.
I guess one of my big fears is that I will not be part of his recovery. Also I know how selfish and distant the alcohol made him and entering into recovery involves a lot of work that he will have to do on his own. I worry that it will cause him to push me away even more. Are these normal fears or am I being selfish? I want him to quit more than anything. I also want to have my marriage back. I have been the primary bread-winner, keeping our family together, making excuses, staying for the kids etc., and have felt so alone and taken for granted for several years. I hope he goes into the meeting today but also don't know what I will do if he doesn't start to get help. We have two pre-teens and I can't imagine staying in this marriage for the next 8-10 years.
Thank you in advance for any insight or advice.
I guess one of my big fears is that I will not be part of his recovery. Also I know how selfish and distant the alcohol made him and entering into recovery involves a lot of work that he will have to do on his own. I worry that it will cause him to push me away even more. Are these normal fears or am I being selfish? I want him to quit more than anything. I also want to have my marriage back. I have been the primary bread-winner, keeping our family together, making excuses, staying for the kids etc., and have felt so alone and taken for granted for several years. I hope he goes into the meeting today but also don't know what I will do if he doesn't start to get help. We have two pre-teens and I can't imagine staying in this marriage for the next 8-10 years.
Thank you in advance for any insight or advice.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
I hope you will make yourself at home by reading, posting and venting as needed. We understand!
I came to the Friends and Family forum while married to my alcoholic husband (14 years). I was sick and tired of being sick and tired from the same old, same old. Nothing changed because nothing changed.
Lather. rinse. repeat. He got wasted, I nagged, he made promises, I believed him, he justified the next binge, I pouted, he made promises with half arse attempts, I believed him. You know the cycle, right?
I found that I had lost myself. I had become a crazy lady obsessed with my husband's addiction. Just as he had become addicted to alcohol, I had become addicted to controlling/fixing his alcoholism. I became addicted to my addict.
I learned through this site and Alanon meetings, that the only life I had control over was my own. I attended at least 6 meetings before I determined if Alanon was right for me. (recommended). I also did as recommended and began to work the kind of program I hoped he would work. I became a healthier happier Pelican as a result.
Here is a link to a permanent post that helped me while living with active alcoholism:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
I hope you will make yourself at home by reading, posting and venting as needed. We understand!
I came to the Friends and Family forum while married to my alcoholic husband (14 years). I was sick and tired of being sick and tired from the same old, same old. Nothing changed because nothing changed.
Lather. rinse. repeat. He got wasted, I nagged, he made promises, I believed him, he justified the next binge, I pouted, he made promises with half arse attempts, I believed him. You know the cycle, right?
I found that I had lost myself. I had become a crazy lady obsessed with my husband's addiction. Just as he had become addicted to alcohol, I had become addicted to controlling/fixing his alcoholism. I became addicted to my addict.
I learned through this site and Alanon meetings, that the only life I had control over was my own. I attended at least 6 meetings before I determined if Alanon was right for me. (recommended). I also did as recommended and began to work the kind of program I hoped he would work. I became a healthier happier Pelican as a result.
Here is a link to a permanent post that helped me while living with active alcoholism:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
The link Pelican posted above was one of the most important for me in my own recovery as a codependent, obsessive wife -- hey, it was justified but I went places I'm not proud of in that role.
The 3 C's -- you didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it. Usually when I found myself getting het up about my AH's drinking, I'd put it against this litmus test. Was I trying to control or cure his drinking? Back away, Florence!
One of the biggest things was the recovery of myself and my goals -- so much of me had been lost in the cyclone of his addiction. What did I want in life? Who did I want to be? What do I value? What am I willing to accept from a partner (any partner, not just the one I happened to have) in an intimate relationship? I did this through individual counseling -- once a week for a couple of years -- and heavy participation and reading on SR. Once I began covering this ground in a meaningful way, paths started opening, opportunities started presenting themselves to me, and I had the wisdom to see them.
I also dropped the wishful and exceptional thinking and learned to look at what was right in front of me. My AH may have meant well, but his addiction squeezed blood from stones. Meaning well stopped meaning anything. Promises and good intentions don't mean anything if they aren't backed by action.
I'd caution you from seeing too much progress in your AH from standing outside a meeting. That's not progress, that's geography. The real progress happens once he's inside those doors several times a week, and he gets it, and he enjoys the good changes in his life derived from sobriety and having the company of other sober people. My AH attended AA meetings for several years (he says) but never got a sponsor, never made good contacts, and never worked the steps. He continued to relapse, and I think this is a big reason why. It doesn't make a difference unless you're engaged with and believe in the steps and language of recovery.
The 3 C's -- you didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it. Usually when I found myself getting het up about my AH's drinking, I'd put it against this litmus test. Was I trying to control or cure his drinking? Back away, Florence!
One of the biggest things was the recovery of myself and my goals -- so much of me had been lost in the cyclone of his addiction. What did I want in life? Who did I want to be? What do I value? What am I willing to accept from a partner (any partner, not just the one I happened to have) in an intimate relationship? I did this through individual counseling -- once a week for a couple of years -- and heavy participation and reading on SR. Once I began covering this ground in a meaningful way, paths started opening, opportunities started presenting themselves to me, and I had the wisdom to see them.
I also dropped the wishful and exceptional thinking and learned to look at what was right in front of me. My AH may have meant well, but his addiction squeezed blood from stones. Meaning well stopped meaning anything. Promises and good intentions don't mean anything if they aren't backed by action.
I'd caution you from seeing too much progress in your AH from standing outside a meeting. That's not progress, that's geography. The real progress happens once he's inside those doors several times a week, and he gets it, and he enjoys the good changes in his life derived from sobriety and having the company of other sober people. My AH attended AA meetings for several years (he says) but never got a sponsor, never made good contacts, and never worked the steps. He continued to relapse, and I think this is a big reason why. It doesn't make a difference unless you're engaged with and believe in the steps and language of recovery.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 43
Welcome! I have been married to my DH for 18 years next month, he drank for the past 10. He is 38 days sober, and I have struggled a lot with his recovery.
Although DH was a closet drinker, he often made sure I had a front row seat even if I didn't want one. For 10 years we played that game. Now he's getting sober and doesn't want me to have that front row seat anymore and I'll admit, it's hard to give it up!
Talking with a therapist has helped, as well as Al Anon mtgs and reading Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. I am slowly realizing that I can't control it or cure it, and I definitely didn't cause it. I am supporting him now in different ways - I can't and don't want to control his recovery like I tried to control his alcoholism.
It's not like I ignore the fact that he's an A, nor do I avoid it. I just try not to concentrate on it, and try to concentrate on his good characteristics. And it's helping, I find him doing the same to me.
My DH needs to walk this recovery road his way, without me telling him how or where to take the next step. I need to walk my own road too. My therapist said even tho they are separate roads, we can focus on the things we have in common and soon those roads won't seem so separate or distant anymore.
You need to find your own road, and allow him to find his. It's not easy but for your -and his - recovery, it has to happen.
Although DH was a closet drinker, he often made sure I had a front row seat even if I didn't want one. For 10 years we played that game. Now he's getting sober and doesn't want me to have that front row seat anymore and I'll admit, it's hard to give it up!
Talking with a therapist has helped, as well as Al Anon mtgs and reading Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. I am slowly realizing that I can't control it or cure it, and I definitely didn't cause it. I am supporting him now in different ways - I can't and don't want to control his recovery like I tried to control his alcoholism.
It's not like I ignore the fact that he's an A, nor do I avoid it. I just try not to concentrate on it, and try to concentrate on his good characteristics. And it's helping, I find him doing the same to me.
My DH needs to walk this recovery road his way, without me telling him how or where to take the next step. I need to walk my own road too. My therapist said even tho they are separate roads, we can focus on the things we have in common and soon those roads won't seem so separate or distant anymore.
You need to find your own road, and allow him to find his. It's not easy but for your -and his - recovery, it has to happen.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 13
It helps to know I'm not alone
Thank you Florence and Pelican. This is so hard. I have found some comfort in some of the posts that I have read and more from your responses. However, I am also angry and embarrassed. I know my husband didn't choose this but his choices created the situation we are in. I feel very alone and somewhat ashamed. I don't want to tell my parents or our friends for fear that they will judge or feel sorry for me or my AH. I am angry at the thought of not having a normal social life as a couple (not that we had much of one to begin with). I'm starting to think things like "he didn't drink every night," "what do I do if he can't go inside the meeting tonight," and lots of other thoughts which I know are either really selfish on my part or leaning toward maybe it's not that bad. Most of all I feel sad and alone. As I said I'm still really new to this so for now I guess I will just keep reading and trying to work on myself.
Thank you again for your responses.
Thank you again for your responses.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
We're discouraged from giving advice here, but if I may, I encourage you to keep reading, keep asking questions. Maybe consider doing an Al-Anon meeting or individual counseling too. I strongly believe we need to create spaces for ourselves to work through this stuff, even if it's just an hour a week. Do something nice for yourself -- a coffee and a long walk? A bike ride with your kids? a solitary afternoon matinee? Library and a pedicure? Whatever is in your wheelhouse and kind to your bank account. But while you're dealing with this, find some ways to de-stress and recharge your battery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 13
Thank you. You hit the nail on the head when you said your husband doesn't want you to have a front row seat to his recovery. It doesn't seem fair that we get the bad but not the good - probably better though. I know I have to stop trying to control the process - but why do I feel like I'm missing out? Like the drinking and his resulting behavior, words, anger, etc were shared but the healing etc is his. As I type this I realize how ridiculous I sound. I know things will be better for us if he is better and I shouldn't feel left out. I just hope he decides to go to the meeting tonight. He doesn't want me to ask him if he's planning to go or talk about it at all. He said that me asking about it makes him not want to go. Cue sigh and disappointment. I'm not going to mention it again or get my hopes up. Thanks for listening.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear mdcrab, try to look at it this way---Stepping away from his "recovery' takes a tremendous weight off your shoulders--you have already carried a lot of baggage from this disease---why should you carry one thing more??? It is HARD to be policeperson--to have to watch over another grown adult. You must already be emotionally exhausted, anyway.
You need all of your energy for yourself, now.
Another point--if you do not involve yourself--you remove yourself as a potential target for blame-shifting---a favorite ploy for alcoholics when things are not going the way they want. It forces him to take all of the responsibility. Taking responsibility is another thing that alcoholics avoid.
His recovery details--not your problem, babe.
dandylion
You need all of your energy for yourself, now.
Another point--if you do not involve yourself--you remove yourself as a potential target for blame-shifting---a favorite ploy for alcoholics when things are not going the way they want. It forces him to take all of the responsibility. Taking responsibility is another thing that alcoholics avoid.
His recovery details--not your problem, babe.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 43
Mdcrab, huge HUGS. I have been, and sometimes still am , exactly where you are. Be kind to yourself, this wasn't created in a day and it won't be solved in a day. Baby steps, and celebrate each one you take instead of being angry you're not taking giant ones.
Dandylion is right - his recovery details, his his problem. DH finally told me, it's hard for him to manage his addiction, recovery and body chemistry and cravings AND deal with trying to reassure/continually please me that he was doing it right. And I realized if I wanted both of us to get better, I had to step back and concentrate on me and allow him to concentrate on him.
I tried to send you a message but I don't have enough posts yet to send a private one. I just wanted to let you know, I understand. Hugs.
Dandylion is right - his recovery details, his his problem. DH finally told me, it's hard for him to manage his addiction, recovery and body chemistry and cravings AND deal with trying to reassure/continually please me that he was doing it right. And I realized if I wanted both of us to get better, I had to step back and concentrate on me and allow him to concentrate on him.
I tried to send you a message but I don't have enough posts yet to send a private one. I just wanted to let you know, I understand. Hugs.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by dandylion 
Another point--if you do not involve yourself--you remove yourself as a potential target for blame-shifting---a favorite ploy for alcoholics when things are not going the way they want. It forces him to take all of the responsibility. Taking responsibility is another thing that alcoholics avoid.
His recovery details--not your problem, babe.
dandylion
His recovery details--not your problem, babe.
dandylion
In the recovery process, I picked up slogans (mantras that I can repeat to myself).
If it didn't know what else to do, I could say the serenity prayer (over and over as needed)
Grant me the Serenity to accept things I can not change, (other people)
Courage to change the things I can and (me, myself, and I)
Wisdom to know the difference.
That got me through a lot of stressful days!
Then I shortened it to:
Not my problem, Not my problem, Not my problem
That was helpful when he started the "Whoa is me" quacking. Quacking is the nonsense that alcoholics say in order to justify their lack of responsibility.
I then learned more about the codependency traits that kept me attached to my alcoholic's disease and to unhealthy relationships. In this process, I learned to form a mental picture of how to separate my issues/responsibilities from the other adult's issues/responsibilities:
Picture two hoola-hoops. One for me. One for my alcoholic.
Anytime I find myselff trying to fix, prevent, recover things my alcoholic can fix, prevent, recover on his own, I remind myself to Stay in My Hoola Hoop
Another one I picked up from here is:
Not my Monkey; Not my Circus
All of these and others have helped me to stop myself from the crazy thinking that came from living with addiction. Getting myself to stop the "future tripping" and stay in the moment has helped me to live:
One Day at a Time
and sometimes it is One Moment at a Time.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
Yep...I did, said, lived and felt the same way you did
No fun!!!
Until I decided I wanted to live a better life for me
Now, my life, my kids, my dogs....live a normal happy life
My XAH: still lives in misery
His choice, No fun!!
No fun!!!
Until I decided I wanted to live a better life for me
Now, my life, my kids, my dogs....live a normal happy life
My XAH: still lives in misery
His choice, No fun!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 13
Does it ever have a happy ending? I'm still new to this site so I have a lot of posts to read but I feel like most people end up with "my STBX..." Or "my XAH/W" etc. I'm not judging, just scared. I have decided to go to my first alanon meeting today. I know it won't be easy, fast or painless, but I feel so sad and hopeless that my AH will never go to a meeting and things won't change. He isn't drinking and hasn't for 5 days. But he also hasn't gone to a meeting. He has admitted to me that "this is it" after last weekend. He knows that he can't keep drinking because it is killing him, he is going to "try" again to go to a meeting on Monday. I reminded him that there are meetings every day -which made me seem controlling etc. I had such high hopes but my guard is up and I don't know when to draw the line or how. If I can't control the process or make him go, how long do I let him keep breaking promises? He says he has to do it on his time, when he is ready, and that he probably should have never mentioned it to me because he knew I would nag him. He doesn't drink every day and our kids (11 and 12) don't know that he is an alcoholic. They see his outbursts and anger sometimes but it's normally the day after. I have threatened divorce (in anger) before and the kids were devastated. At this point, I don't think they would understand or be able to deal with us splitting up. I'm so torn and confused. I just want to wake up and have everything not be like this.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
I'm still new to this site so I have a lot of posts to read but I feel like most people end up with "my STBX..." Or "my XAH/W" etc. I'm not judging, just scared.
Try to stay in the present, and life will be easier to handle one day at a time.
No need to make any big decisions today, just go to the meeting. You will meet lots of wonderful people who have been where you are and want to make you feel welcomed.
Also, I understand wanting to believe, but, like you I got tired of the words.
Words, words, words, and more words.
It was time for action, and I got a wall of words.
Learn all you can about addiction and yourself while you are going to AlAnon.
Watch for actions, and the end of excuses, rationalizations, minimization and personal exceptionalism. I had that covered "I am not like THOSE people."
Beth
Thank goodness I finally I got it
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear mdcrab, as I pointed out in m y previous post---any watchfullness;any commentary
on his efforts for recovery (or non-efforts) are going to make him angry and use you as an excuse, and blame you--blame you for everything. This is called blame-shifting and it is a favorite tool of the disgruntled alcoholic. NOTHING YOU SAY OR DO IS GOING TO AID IN HIS SEEKING RECOVERY--in fact, just the opposite. Recovery is his responsibility--and only his (not yours).
Your job is to figure out what you are willing to live with--or NOT live with. You draw your own boundrys and your own timelines. Think of your boundrys as the way of standing up for your wants, desires and needs. Alanon is a safe and supportive place where you can figure out your boundrys. There is no judgement there, but, there is a lot of support and experience from people who have been in your shoes.
Even if he does seek true recovery--early recovery can be a very stressful time for the spouse--so, you are going to need support and you will need to detach from him to a great extent.
As you study and find out more about the nature of alcoholism and what recovery entails, you will learn that recovery is much more than just going to a few AA meetings. It is a lot of work, requiring total comittment and honesty; working with a sponsor and working through the twelve steps. Time will tell you if he is willing to do the work of embracing sobriety. He will do it when he is ready--not necessarily when you want him to.
You will have to take care of you and the kids no matter what he does--or doesn't do. The alcoholism damages you, and, especially the children, just as it does the alcoholic.
You can work through this---one day at a time--one step at a time. I encourage you to make the first step toward alanon. And, mum is the word on his recovery.
sincerely, dandylion
on his efforts for recovery (or non-efforts) are going to make him angry and use you as an excuse, and blame you--blame you for everything. This is called blame-shifting and it is a favorite tool of the disgruntled alcoholic. NOTHING YOU SAY OR DO IS GOING TO AID IN HIS SEEKING RECOVERY--in fact, just the opposite. Recovery is his responsibility--and only his (not yours).
Your job is to figure out what you are willing to live with--or NOT live with. You draw your own boundrys and your own timelines. Think of your boundrys as the way of standing up for your wants, desires and needs. Alanon is a safe and supportive place where you can figure out your boundrys. There is no judgement there, but, there is a lot of support and experience from people who have been in your shoes.
Even if he does seek true recovery--early recovery can be a very stressful time for the spouse--so, you are going to need support and you will need to detach from him to a great extent.
As you study and find out more about the nature of alcoholism and what recovery entails, you will learn that recovery is much more than just going to a few AA meetings. It is a lot of work, requiring total comittment and honesty; working with a sponsor and working through the twelve steps. Time will tell you if he is willing to do the work of embracing sobriety. He will do it when he is ready--not necessarily when you want him to.
You will have to take care of you and the kids no matter what he does--or doesn't do. The alcoholism damages you, and, especially the children, just as it does the alcoholic.
You can work through this---one day at a time--one step at a time. I encourage you to make the first step toward alanon. And, mum is the word on his recovery.
sincerely, dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 13
Went to my 1st meeting
Well, I survived - sobbing pretty much the entire hour, but I couldn't be happier that I went. I got a lot out of the meeting and realized that I am not alone. Most importantly, I learned that I don't have all of the answers for my AH or myself and that I have plenty of my own issues to keep me busy, I don't need to concentrate on trying to "fix" my husband. I will go back tomorrow.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
I have plenty of my own issues to keep me busy, I don't need to concentrate on trying to "fix" my husband. I will go back tomorrow.
So happy for you mdcrab.
Keep coming back.
Beth
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
In the beginning I know it's confusing when everyone is telling you to work on you,
when the little voice in the background keeps on saying.."what about him, what about our marriage?"
My 1st Alanon meeting I was like a scared deer in front of headlights
2nd one - was lame and I cried alot
3rd one - I literally jumped out of bed (at 6pm - sad and depressed) threw on my clothes and drove like a banny rooster to the meeting
Keep going to them, if you dont like one, try another one...They help tremendously, the BEST thing I ever did for myself!
Lots of marriages and relationships are ruined..I think every ones situations are different on this..
For instance: One of my gf's husband went into rehab, came out and they got back together.BUT he never stole money from her or abused her, physically, emotionally or mentally. He always treated her like a princess, sober or not. He was a great dad. He just had a problem coming home from the bar after work, a couple nights a week. He never drank at home or in front of his wife or kids...I laugh, cuz I always tell her, she had the "perfect AH"...(not funny, but in her case..its the oddest one Ive seen)
..I tried it, but my XAH lied, cheated, abused and stole from me even after he got out of rehab. He wasnt done drinking, as much as I wanted to believe he would of stopped....I dont know if he jumped ship or if I jumped ship -or the doors were just open for me to walk thru, to find peace in my life and my kids lives...
And Ive seen some who have stayed in their marriages and have ended up burying their spouse from alcoholism and/or drug abuse.
I believe, Each person and their lifestyle/culture/morals is different
but the fact is: Alcoholism/Addiction doesnt care..about any of that
Medically and physically it is out to kill....
So my advice is...Keep on working on YOU!!! They have a tendency to screwing
up our heads and our lives....But why do we let them do that to us???..Ask yourself
that one!...Is it love, fear, convenience, guilt,etc that keeps us holding on for more?
and KEEP posting on here....asking, reading and learning that you are NOT alone!
when the little voice in the background keeps on saying.."what about him, what about our marriage?"
My 1st Alanon meeting I was like a scared deer in front of headlights
2nd one - was lame and I cried alot
3rd one - I literally jumped out of bed (at 6pm - sad and depressed) threw on my clothes and drove like a banny rooster to the meeting
Keep going to them, if you dont like one, try another one...They help tremendously, the BEST thing I ever did for myself!
Lots of marriages and relationships are ruined..I think every ones situations are different on this..
For instance: One of my gf's husband went into rehab, came out and they got back together.BUT he never stole money from her or abused her, physically, emotionally or mentally. He always treated her like a princess, sober or not. He was a great dad. He just had a problem coming home from the bar after work, a couple nights a week. He never drank at home or in front of his wife or kids...I laugh, cuz I always tell her, she had the "perfect AH"...(not funny, but in her case..its the oddest one Ive seen)
..I tried it, but my XAH lied, cheated, abused and stole from me even after he got out of rehab. He wasnt done drinking, as much as I wanted to believe he would of stopped....I dont know if he jumped ship or if I jumped ship -or the doors were just open for me to walk thru, to find peace in my life and my kids lives...
And Ive seen some who have stayed in their marriages and have ended up burying their spouse from alcoholism and/or drug abuse.
I believe, Each person and their lifestyle/culture/morals is different
but the fact is: Alcoholism/Addiction doesnt care..about any of that
Medically and physically it is out to kill....
So my advice is...Keep on working on YOU!!! They have a tendency to screwing
up our heads and our lives....But why do we let them do that to us???..Ask yourself
that one!...Is it love, fear, convenience, guilt,etc that keeps us holding on for more?
and KEEP posting on here....asking, reading and learning that you are NOT alone!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 13
Thank you wicked and bobbyj. I'm so glad I went to the meeting tonight and did something for ME! It feels so good to know that I'm not alone, judged or helpless. I have made a choice to help myself and to stop enabling and trying to control the uncontrollable. It's really eye opening to see how much I can do for myself that will make a positive impact. I feel like I've started to put a puzzle together that's pieces will eventually fit instead of attempting to force pieces from 2 separate puzzles into one.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Northwest
Posts: 25
Mdcrab, at least your husband has made an attempt to change and has went to a meeting or two. My husband is refusing to quit drinking and will not go to any kind of meetings or counseling whatsoever. He only says he will "cut down" which never lasts for more than a few days. He also lies about how much he drinks and when he starts drinking. He buys more than he says and replenishes the fridge so it looks like he didn't drink as many beers as he has...... Your story is similar to mine in ways. I try so hard to control the situation and his drinking that it takes away from my life and also from being there for our 10 year old daughter who is the biggest victim in all this. I agree with the others. It is your husbands recovery. Only he can do it, you can say and do everything possible, but it is entirely up to him. You can encourage him, but you can't do it for him. Take care of yourself and your kids and let him recover if he chooses to. This I need to practice myself so we shall see..
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 13
Hi luvcaitlin- just wanted to be clear...my husband has "gone" to one meeting but only made it as far as the parking lot and chickened out. I know know that the more I try to explain to him what "I know will work best for him" - the more he will resist. To my knowledge, he has not had a drink since last Sunday. He knows that I am going to alanon and I tell him that I am getting help, not to one up him or to try to get him to go to AA, but to admit to him that I have realized that I need to work on me (not him), in order for ME to have some peace, purpose and happiness. I've told him it's not a competition or a race and that just like his getting better is his job, my getting better is my job. I love him very much and want nothing more than for us to rebuild and be happy together again, but I know now that it will take both of us on a "separate but equal" path to make this happen. I've decided not to worry or "what if" my life away. He may drink again, he may choose not to commit to AA or his sobriety, and as a result we may not always be together; but he also may choose to do all of those things and we may live happily ever after, but neither end-game scenario is going to happen tomorrow or the next day so I'm going to focus on today, myself, my kids and let him do the same/or not . I have to tell you I feel empowered just writing it down! I feel like a HUGE weight has been lifted and I also think a big part of that is that my DH sees that I have moved on (not from our marriage, but from trying to control him and his drinking).
Believe me I'm sure I will not give up worrying completely...no one likes a quitter, lol, but I'm really going to continue to make the effort.
Someone on this blog said something to me that really resonated...if I don't try to control or micromanage his recovery, I won't incur any blame if he stumbles. I think he knows this and not setting myself up to be blamed feels really good.
Stay strong, take care of your daughter and yourself. You are doing the best you can do by participating in your journey to a better life. And try not to worry about what if "....."
Jenny
. I have to tell you I feel empowered just writing it down! I feel like a HUGE weight has been lifted and I also think a big part of that is that my DH sees that I have moved on (not from our marriage, but from trying to control him and his drinking). Believe me I'm sure I will not give up worrying completely...no one likes a quitter, lol, but I'm really going to continue to make the effort.
Someone on this blog said something to me that really resonated...if I don't try to control or micromanage his recovery, I won't incur any blame if he stumbles. I think he knows this and not setting myself up to be blamed feels really good.
Stay strong, take care of your daughter and yourself. You are doing the best you can do by participating in your journey to a better life. And try not to worry about what if "....."
Jenny
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