Nothing new...

Old 06-06-2013, 03:30 PM
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Nothing new...

Hi,
I spent a couple of evening reading many posts and I felt I am not as alone as I thought.
I came from a different country and I grew up in a very happy and "normal" family.

When I got here I found everything so beautiful, the people, the climate, my job.
I have a great job that I enjoy very much and a small but good group of friends.
2 years ago I met HIM, love at first sight, passion, fun, love and more love.
I found the man of my life and he told me he found the love of his life.
After some time of fun I started noticing that what should have been a "once a week" drinking habit was in reality a "once a day" thing.
2 or 3 or 4 (sometimes 8 or 10)beers after work and half/one bottle of wine at dinner, actually while cooking.
I work in the wine industry and I grew up in a region of the world where wine is a common thing to drink, but in moderation and not every day.
I have never been in contact with an alcoholic before.
So, when al the typical craziness started I could not understand what was happening to me.
He started drinking heavily after 3/4 months into the relationship, or perhaps he started earlier and I could not recognize it, and the back out process begun.
With cycles of 3 weeks we had amazing time together and terrible fights.
He blamed me to be the cause of the fight. When my father was in his death bed I tried to call him to have his support...he was drinking with his buddy and when finally, after 2 hours, he called me back was just to blame me for my selfishness. I went to pick him up completely drunk in bars, I have been "invited to leave" I have been abandoned for days, most of the plans that we made have been cancelled by him at the last minute....and always because of my "controlling and angry behavior".
The goos moments are incredible, he is the most wonderful man on earth....until the 3rd beer...than the demons wake up and he transforms into a completely different person.
I tried to leave him many times and I keep to go back over and over.
I am seeing a counselor since 6 months, I was in a deep depression due to all this good/bad and the impossibility of finding a pattern in his behavior.
Now I am stronger, I told him that I will love him the rest of my life but that I cannot stand his drinking and I need to have a little peace.
He replied that he does not want to quit drinking, that if this is a deal breaker than we need to move on.
It has been so hard tho hear those words! Of course he was drunk at the time.

Now I am trying to move on, I have some good days and some very bad. I miss him, I miss the sober one, the be loving, fun, tender man that he is when is not under the influence of that terrible thing.

We had plans, to move in together, to buy a house, to visit different places.
Now...I bought a house for me, I am going visiting places by myself and I am moving in with a broken myself that I hope will fill better....one day.
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Old 06-06-2013, 03:39 PM
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the story is not new, but YOU are so
sorry for what brings you here....
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Old 06-06-2013, 04:01 PM
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When all this started I thought I was alone and I felt ashamed for what I was going through. He could convince me that it was just my fault.
I am so glad that this site exists!! You guys helped me a lot!!
:-)
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Old 06-06-2013, 06:07 PM
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that seems to be a theme...being blamed for things that are NOT our doing.

next time you feel that instant connection, electric thing? run like hell.
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Old 06-06-2013, 06:22 PM
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You have done the right thing.
Congrats on making a healthy choice for yourself.
Lots of support here for you.
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Old 06-07-2013, 01:56 AM
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Dear Winecountry....KUDOS to you! Even though this has been a painful process for you, you didn't waste YEARS in denial! That speaks to your own inner compass. He was not willing to address his drinking to benefit the relationship, but that is characteristic of the alcoholic's stinking thinking. It is a progressive disease, so the guy you loved would show up less and less.

You are headed toward a healthier life. I would suggest you read "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie. It is a daily read that will help you confirm your decision and move forward.
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Old 06-07-2013, 09:20 AM
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Welcome! According to my ex, I am a horrid person. I am crazy. All I want to do is fight. I am not happy unless I am angry. I am boring, I never want to do anything. I am lazy. I am selfish. I never pick up after myself, I never take a shower and make myself presentable. My wardrobe is hideous. My kids are spoiled rotten no good brats. Even my cat sucks. Good for you for seeing him for what he is early enough that you didnt almost start to believe it.
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Old 06-07-2013, 09:34 AM
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Sungrl---You want to hear something sad? My children's father---my now ex of many, many years---gave me the same treatment! One day, I said---enough is enough and proceeded straight to divorce. Best decision I ever made. Decades later--I hear that he hasn't changed one bit.

He wasn't even an alcoholic!!!!!!! (very narcissistic).

My worst decision ever--To marry him. My best decision ever--To divorce him.

dandylion
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Old 06-08-2013, 11:02 PM
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Winecountry - I hope you can comfort yourself somewhat with the thought that you are not alone in this, you sound as if you are in a similar place to where I am right now with my XAB. I am also from another country originally, not had much contact with alcoholics, was "invited to leave", had plans to move in and marry and was told if it was a deal breaker "we" had to move on etc, etc! And, yes, I was made to feel as if I was the crazy one and a 'stick in the mud'.

We broke up and have had no contact for a couple of months. It's still extremely hard for me but reading this forum the past few weeks has definitely helped and hearing all the encouraging words! Especially when not many people in my life have experienced this themselves and think I should just 'get over it' now he's gone.

Thank you for sharing...your post encourages me that we can do it by working on moving on, planning new things and not letting their disease take over our lives. That doesn't mean we have to switch off all our emotions and feelings! But we are in the process of success!
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