irisgardens

I have been married to an alcoholic for 38 years, known him for 42...I was in such deep denial about alcohol that I didn't start to 'wake up' to 'things not right in my life and my own unhappiness and not getting what I wanted' when I lost a child to SIDS at age 35.

That turned into a lot of spiritual and therapeutic work and have since had three daughter do drugs...two are functional...not in recovery...and in denial and enabling Dad...and one in active heroin addiction..and my two boys drink.

We ran through all the savings over the last 10 years after I did 5 years of therapeutic work, but more private and through doctors than the steps...although I started to realize that I was being taught the steps at a certain point...letting go, feeling, being honest, detachment, one day at a time...so this crisis...I am here fully. No money...moved to hubby's 'country of origin' as he believed that he could retire here...he lost the construction business for the 3rd time I can remember, maybe 4th...four years ago and the house went with it in bankruptcy. He told me when I was on my way to work...at 57 at a high pressure Fortune 100 job...and working 13 hours a day.

Well, we did all of the above...we moved...the heroin addict daughter went out of contact and between him spending all the remaining money on building a home that didn't get finished (he ran out of money again)...didn't save for the household goods, pushing him into a job and 'helping him with the estimate' ... he expects all of that but makes bad decisions anyway without telling me...before he told me above...had gone to my mother about money and gotten a loan (she has never said yes to me in my life...but I just cut contact and am grieving so no need to process any more words now)...and now...he is working and back at not telling me anything although he knows I am afraid about money.

He has now started to say that I ruined his family relationships (to our kids) to me he said that it wasn't my fault...that they are just focused on their own kids and grandkids, and that he is definitely disillusioned, but that coming here opened his eyes. The one step I made in coming here is I made it clear he works...I am reinventing myself as an english teacher...that was the plan and agreement. It has taken 5 years of just complete depletion, hard work (for me) while he came here to scout, packed up the house...then came to start...he had all the family support and now I'm positive that he told everyone I was majorly ill...I have depression and anxiety. He also let everyone believe we had lots of stuff back there.

I blew it (for him) because I told the truth...I always do...we had been 'supposedly' working on that when we did therapy, etc.

Well, now I got a couple of interviews from a headhunter who reached out to me...and he is definitely (it is so subtle...he looks nice and gives me coffee...so I want to believe it is not so...but had an anger attack on the weekend...told the kids...they all are enabling him...first time I used that word...he has been calling them...telling them that I am having huge anger attacks and he doesn't know what to do...that I ruined his relationship with his sisters and he can't go there...that was an email...he says he didn't mean it that way).

So, I told him that he always complained about my family and criticized them and me...for being cold and calculating and analytical (about money) so I chose my marriage over money. Moving here was the ultimate test of that...as I did not pursue another job (the truth was that I was so depressed I couldn't get out of bed...but getting better here even with all the above...the pressure and stress of doing it all is so much less).

I told him that I am not going to push him or try to force him to want to be with my (he never will be...he is an alcoholic...finally figured it out)...that I need to have my feelings...and they are not meant to hurt him...had the email reviewed here...it is full of my pain and anger (justified) but it told the truth about his financial shortcomings.

I am now possibly being considered for a job...I have also been considering leaving him...but while I am here I am rebuilding a new life that is less around money and pressure (didn't get me anywhere anyway) and slowly becoming an ESL english teacher...on small small step at a time, but my HP, who I call God, is definitely opening that path through many many wonderful things...and giving me time in between to handle the anxiety and fear I go through on each new step.

I would like any counsel...know you can't tell me what to do...but I did tell him he has to finish the work here...that I feel more comfortable and healthy, even if anxious about money, being here...(I also feel that he is going to turn to the kids and use them more...and that has become clear...as he has gotten nasty when I reminded him we were letting them grow up and individuate...and that we are practicing no contact with our most recent addict...so perhaps we need to let the other kids grow too...they are ex addicts and active codependents...alll)...the cold tone that comes when I say something healthy is now unmistakable.

I have gone back into detachment and letting go as best I know it...light, positive tone...very superficial...now taking the step of trying not to 'share' everything I learn and come awake to...as have figured out he is parroting and that he is unwilling to do any support or recovery...HAS to work...nothing else. So...that is where I am.

Taking my steps...but the anxiety has been overwhelming and I do not want to send any more emails to family...in fact...in very loving ways...am doing work on myself and am going to stay in no contact for a while with kids...as they were unwilling to support me...say I am the angry one so I wrote that I am taking care of myself...and will be doing that for a long time, thanked them for their 'suggestions' or for their strong emotions...one is angry angry...she was the crystal meth addict...right there with Dad though...and the other said I needed psychiatric help...so I thanked him...said I was getting it as I have been for 20 years...he didn't answer...so good there.

Well...the real trigger is the 'possibility of the job' and having to say 'no' or not being strong...and underneath that...is the hubby relationship...I am ok with him right now as we can afford to live here, he is working again...although that usually ends up in his using 'our' savings or my salary to bail us out...so I don't plan to work too hard here and I like the teaching...less head and more heart...so much healthier for me...getting positive feedback from students...

I now have to 'ask' for all money, but am being frugal and asking for what I really need...the psychotherapist appt, a yoga class...one thing at a time...

Thanks for listening.

Hammer

YES. ONE Thing. Pick One Thing.

You ever watch one of those Plate Spinners?

They spin one plate on a stick, then another, another. Soon the whole table and cupboard are up spinning on sticks, and the guy is running around in circles trying to keep them all from crashing.

ONE Thing. Pick One Thing.



These are professionals. Do not try this at home.

Recovering2

Lather....Rinse....Repeat Does not sound like your situation is ever going to change, since your AH is still drinking. You are in your late 50's? So how much longer do you wait to have a serene life? You say you're okay with him right now, but already expect it will lead to "bailing" out. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Tuffgirl

The best thing I can offer is that if you have strong faith in your HP, than ask for guidance and know that you can trust your intuition. If teaching seems right, go for it. If leaving the marriage seems right, do it. If staying seems right, stay.

Thing is, you can't control anything else or anyone else. Your kids will do what they want and believe what they want. Your husband will continue doing what he wants. You, however, have the complete power to change your entire life if you want. Or change one thing at a time. Or just change one thing and call it good.

You have to take care of yourself. No one else will. And you have this one life to live...that's it. Don't waste it worrying and fretting over things you can't control.

Remember the Serenity Prayer. I recite it daily!
Peace,
~T

irisgardens

Thank you to all--I am choosing to take care of myself...and that is what I am going to focus on right now...one day at a time...I tend to go into action mode...am reciting the serenity prayer again...and spending time with people who care and doing the things that make me feel good in healthy ways. This isn't specific...but you all helped...and am going to do more of my work here...need to stay healthy...I am enjoying teaching...and well, the children have their own lives...realized that I need to let go. Just for today...doing what I need to. Calmed down...feel more serene...praying for clarity...

irisgardens

I really like about picking ONE thing. The plate spinners example is absolutely what I was and have done...when I am the unhealthiest. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Hammer

Thank you for taking it kindly. It looked sort of jerky on review, just now.

Truly as much for me, as you. I have learned it painfully.

When I deal with customers who are what they consider "multi-taskers" (and I call Attention Deficit Disorder Managers), I tell them what I figured out in college:

They can have:

(1) A+ Project, or
(2) B quality Projects, or
(3) C quality Projects, or
(4) D quality Projects, or
(5 or more) F quality -- plates all broken on the floor.

What quality do they need to choose for their particular projects they want me to do?

Not that all things need to be an A+, either.

Another caution I give is: Never do A+ work on a C- job.

My sponsor also tells me -- If a Job is worth doing . . . It is worth doing half-assed.

I agree.

Life is for living, not for stressing.

irisgardens

Hammer...that is even better...I was a classic 'perfectionist' manager and always burning people out...started changing about 25 years ago...it was awful to come awake and realize that I was 'killing people' in the search of something that doesn't exist...'perfection'. Have made lots of progress...but I love the way you said that...and am going to adopt the phrase...If a Job is worth doing . . . It is worth doing half-assed.

I actually left a career as a top manager, as it was making me crazy with perfectionism and anxiety and whatever...and I didn't like what it did to the people around me...or me. Your words are so right on. I have always done high pressure work, because I get it done...but just don't have the heart anymore to burn out people or push down all the pressure...and that kind of took the 'excellence' rating out of me for all those managers who love to use the 'enforcer' to get it done and get the credit.

Right now, am working to re-invent myself as an English teacher and it is so much more fun to teach...even though my pay is so much lower...I love teaching and giving people the opportunity to learn and get what they want out of things.

Thank you again...I tend to 'get' direct.

wicked

This is wonderful Iris. I just watched a documentary on Netflix titled "Happy".
It seems to me that people are happiest when doing things they like, giving to other people and being surrounded by like minded people.

That is what I got from the program anyway, but I feel you are on your way, already knowing what it is that you want to do.
It is not about money, it is about fulfillment, or even something more like altruism.

You keep your focus on your dreams, and slowly, or maybe even quickly the bad stuff will fall away. They cannot make you go out and make a million bucks, so do what you want, when you want, where you want to do it.
It sounds like a fabulous dream to me.

Beth

irisgardens

aaaahhhh....Beth...thank you!

wicked

You are very welcome, and I hope I am on the path close behind you.

Making decisions that do not involve supporting others who can very well support themselves. (even visualizing that makes me feel warm and happy)

Then, on to where I want to do it. I can live simply and happily on my monthly disability and give back to society in any I can.

A dream come true.

Beth

SoloMio

Yes, I relate on many levels.

I particularly relate with running as fast as I can to make a lot of money so that it can just get flushed right out of my life with all the nonsense.

If you're going to be broke for a while (temporary cash flow problem, I like to call it), you might as well be broke doing something you love instead of just spinning your wheels. As for myself, I've watched so much money that I've earned over the past 10 years just evaporate, mostly due to my own stupid choices (like cosigning a business loan for him--his business went under, and I'm left with the fallout, and like cosigning a mortgage for his mother for a house that should have sold in 2007, and which is STILL on the market which is a lot of money out of my pocket).

So, I'm doing what you're doing--I'm transitioning to a new business where I'm bound to find more fulfillment. I read Peace Pilgrim and Daniel Suelo to reinforce the fact that people can be very happy with no money at all--perhaps happier. "Look at the lilies of the field... they neither sow nor reap." If I can wake up every day and say, "Today, I have everything I need" I'm fine. So far, every day I've gotten everything I need.

At the same time, I am focusing on no longer treating my needs as secondary, and I'm trying to be a better manager of my own accounts (which now includes saying "no" a lot)

BTW, I've been married 36 years, so we're kind of on the same timeline.

Good luck to you!

wicked

Thank you SoloMio. I have to remember this. My needs are first.
This is tough, but this is an excuse. The loafers in my apartment are my sons.
Saying NO. My needs come first.

Beth

irisgardens

Solomio and Wicked..thank you...you have encouraged me...and that has made this day bright and sunny! Your sharing has helped me go to a place where I haven't gone before...and that is so good...wow...blessings for your day today...and I am energized.