Please help me :(

Old 06-05-2013, 11:05 PM
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Please help me :(

I dont know if this is the right place to post or not but here goes.

I married to a severe alcoholic. We have 2 children together ages 3 and 1. I have 3 children from my 1st marriage. He has one from a prior marriage. Hes a raging alcoholic. Drinks 160oz of King Cobra daily. He will also drink Vodka if he can get it (with the 160oz of beer!)

He contributes nothing finacially to me. He pays child support to his 1st kid and supports his alcohol problem and thats it. Hes been to alcoholic detox 13 times! Never once has it worked.

After drinking he becomes beligerent and starts on me everytime. Sometimes I have to argue for hours or leave MY home. This home is mine, given to me by my dad and I usually am forced out with all my children so I wont have to hear the slurs and and arguing he puts upon me after waking up from passing out. The look in his eyes is scary. He has never hit me ever but his arguing could go on for hours. Ive told him to leave and he will not. He thinks Ill get over it and the next day he can start all over again. Im tired of living in fear of hia
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Old 06-05-2013, 11:09 PM
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oops Im mobile and cant edit. Im tired of living in fear. He usually "starts" right after waking up from his first passing out and dronking himself to pass out. I hate this, I hate my life. Im a happy person who loves life, but I cant because of him
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Old 06-05-2013, 11:10 PM
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Safe place for you and the kids to go?
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Old 06-05-2013, 11:10 PM
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Originally Posted by mama2five View Post
I dont know if this is the right place to post or not but here goes.

I married to a severe alcoholic. We have 2 children together ages 3 and 1. I have 3 children from my 1st marriage. He has one from a prior marriage. Hes a raging alcoholic. Drinks 160oz of King Cobra daily. He will also drink Vodka if he can get it (with the 160oz of beer!)

He contributes nothing finacially to me. He pays child support to his 1st kid and supports his alcohol problem and thats it. Hes been to alcoholic detox 13 times! Never once has it worked.

After drinking he becomes beligerent and starts on me everytime. Sometimes I have to argue for hours or leave MY home. This home is mine, given to me by my dad and I usually am forced out with all my children so I wont have to hear the slurs and and arguing he puts upon me after waking up from passing out. The look in his eyes is scary. He has never hit me ever but his arguing could go on for hours. Ive told him to leave and he will not. He thinks Ill get over it and the next day he can start all over again. Im tired of living in fear of hia


Girl, oh hell no! You have got to get rid of this guy, if not just for you, for those kids. He is seriously sick and right now, even though you dont mean to, you are enabling him. How does he get money for the booze? Right now he has a roof over his head, access to alcohol, and no accountability. So, why would he change? Most alcoholics need to hit some sort of a bottom, either mentally, with life situations, or legally. Right now, he gets to do what he wants and is turning your life upside down. If he wont leave, call the police. With him being in detox 13 times, they surely have a record on him, so it wont take much convincing to have him removed. Then you can begin legal proceedings. Your father would not condone this sort of thing under his roof, and neither should you. Your life and happiness are worth a lot more than this. Get rid of him now, before its too late. I can promise you, he wont change on his own, he is too far into the addiction and like I said, why change when he gets his way all the time?
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Old 06-05-2013, 11:12 PM
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Originally Posted by mama2five View Post
oops Im mobile and cant edit. Im tired of living in fear. He usually "starts" right after waking up from his first passing out and dronking himself to pass out. I hate this, I hate my life. Im a happy person who loves life, but I cant because of him
Never, EVER, let another person control your happiness. You are responsible for your own happiness in life. Are you afraid of being single or on you own? Dont be, many people are great at being single parents. Its better for the kids, and you.
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Old 06-05-2013, 11:13 PM
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I mean do you have a safe place? Like when you leave...can you go and stay there and if not call a DV hotline as soon as it's safe to do so. You don't have to have been hit to go to a DV shelter with your kids...not forever but for now so you can make a long term plan...have to have support and feel safe to do that. Can't do that living under threats and fear.
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Old 06-06-2013, 12:07 AM
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Hi Mama,

Your life sounds a bit like mine was - except my husband hadn't gone quite that far downhill yet when I left him (he has now).

I'm glad you found us and I hope this place will be as helpful to you as it was to me when I found it.

We're told not to give advice here - but I can tell you what I did when I got to the point where I felt like my life had spiraled out of control because of my AXH's drinking.

I started going to AlAnon. They gave me a place to feel surrounded by people who got it. I had so much shame about being in an alcoholic marriage and guilt about not being able to make him stop drinking. In AlAnon I learned that he wasn't my responsibility - but the Children were, and I was. AlAnon gave me a place where it was ok to say "my husband is an alcoholic" and not have to immediately spring into action and have all the answers.

This place gave me truths I didn't want to hear. I thought my AXH was special, that our marriage was different. Here, I was confronted with the fact that he was a textbook alcoholic and I was a textbook wife of one. At times, I didn't like to hear what people told me but I kept coming back because somewhere I knew I needed to hear it.

I also consulted a support group for domestic violence victim. Domestic violence isn't just getting physically injured. It also includes emotional and verbal abuse, and being frightened or coerced into behaviors or actions against your will simply because you're trying to protect yourself or your children.

And I contacted an attorney to find out what my rights were. That differs depending on where you live, but most states have protections in place that might make it possible for you to take possession of your home and have him banned from it while you're working out divorce stuff, if you choose to go in that direction.

Living with an alcoholic makes you a little crazy. You put up with sh*t you never thought you would. You do stuff you never thought you would. You worry so much about the alcoholic that you pay more attention to their needs than to your own and, worse, the children's. all that is part of the package. I did it. It was emotionally difficult to break free of worrying about him first. But it can be done. And most of all, every human has the right to live a life free from alcoholism and the hell it carries with it. That includes your children.

It sounds like you have given him plenty of opportunities to get sober and into recovery. It also sounds like you are very, very tired. I can imagine the physical and emotional exhaustion because I was there not too many years ago.

I want to tell you that for me, leaving was the right answer. My life is not a bed of roses after divorce and court fights and all that - but it is CALM. I get anxious when I have to deal with AXH, but I'm not anxious all the time anymore. I have a peace and joy that I never had with him. The children have a lot to deal with and work through, but I see them finding their way more and more every day. And they are saying now what people here have been telling me for years - that it is better to be without a father than to have an alcoholic for a father.

Sorry - that got long. I just wanted to let you know you've been heard and you're among people who really understand here. Whatever you choose to do.

Big hugs.
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Old 06-06-2013, 01:16 PM
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thanks to each f you. it helps so much to hear. lilamy, Im at that point where there is no me. its all about taking care of him and his addictions first. ive lost me, there seems to be nothing left of me. all day its like a volcano. he wakes up and starts drinking and i wait for the volcano to erupt. its the most worry sometimes i feel like puking from worry.
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Old 06-06-2013, 01:22 PM
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none of that is good for you or for those little children. he simply HAS to go, one way or another. please start looking into resources to help you get him out of the house....or you and the kids out. it will only get worse, sorry to say. if he's detoxed that many times and is still drinking he may be of the type to NEVER quit.

not sure how he came in to your life, but now it is ok to get him out. your kids need you worrying about THEM not him. stay safe, take appropriate measures and move on to happier SANE & SOBER days.
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Old 06-06-2013, 01:28 PM
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Mama,
You are not alone. Just as you've discovered with what lilamy has shared, many of us on this board have been through what you are going through to some degree or another.
There is a life of peace and even joy on the other side after living so long with an alcoholic. You deserve peace. You deserve joy...you deserve to be treated with respect.
My STBAXH never physically abused me either...but he did verbally and emotionally abuse me and it got to a point of threatening to kill me. It does not have to be physical to be abuse.
I am sure that it all feels very overwhelming to you at the moment. But I bet you have it in you to do just one thing to start you on your way to loving your life again. Maybe that is getting yourself to an Alanon meeting or contacting a domestic violence hotline or calling an attorney for a free consult. Whatever it is..you need to take care of you and your children and get away from this misery.
Come here when you need strength or to share your story. We get it. And we want to be here for you.
Hugs from one Mama to another ...
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Old 06-06-2013, 02:16 PM
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Dear Mama, I just want to reach through this computer and hug you. A lot of us on here feel your pain, and understand what you're feeling. It is incredibly isolating and lonely to be caught in the midst of this chaos.

Here's what will be hard for you to understand right now. You are not alone. You are not alone. There is support out there for you. Please try to find an AlAnon meeting near you, it is such a wonderful safe place for you to speak your truth and get support. It will help you figure out how to find you again. Keep posting here, we will hold you up.

Remember the 3 C's: you didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. It is a progressive disease, so he will not get better at this rate. The only thing you have control over is the decisions you make for you and your children. You can decide to take your life back. AlAnon and this site will help you learn to detach, set boundaries, and be happy again. May be difficult to believe, but many of us who were as distraught as you are have found our way back with the help of AlAnon and SR.

(((BIG HUGS)))
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Old 06-06-2013, 05:17 PM
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Originally Posted by mama2five View Post
thanks to each f you. it helps so much to hear. lilamy, Im at that point where there is no me. its all about taking care of him and his addictions first. ive lost me, there seems to be nothing left of me. all day its like a volcano. he wakes up and starts drinking and i wait for the volcano to erupt. its the most worry sometimes i feel like puking from worry.
You are still in there. You just need enough peace and room to be. To expand. I remember feeling after I left like I was living in a panic room somewhere in my center and not really inhabiting all of my body. And having the space to expand into being myself again has taken time but been wonderful. And I've seen my kids go through the same process.

I agree with Anvil. This is no way for you and your children to live. To wake up every day and walk on eggshells.
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