blackouts and cheating

Old 06-05-2013, 08:00 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Talana View Post
@ Tryingtoletgo,my first reaction is would he have come clean if he didn't have the hickies on his neck?
With that evidence he would have had no choice but to admit to it.
Maybe I'm just a suspicious person.
Well for arguments sake, he could have said they were burns on his neck and made up some story.
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Old 06-05-2013, 08:05 PM
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Originally Posted by Talana View Post
@ Tryingtoletgo,my first reaction is would he have come clean if he didn't have the hickies on his neck?
With that evidence he would have had no choice but to admit to it.
Maybe I'm just a suspicious person.
I agree with this.
It poses a serious concern. Was he honest out of love and regret or evidence and fear?
I would suggest being careful and safe and use this knowledge of his actions wisely for the future. Not saying go paranoid snoopy but I wouldnt be gullible trusting either.
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Old 06-05-2013, 08:07 PM
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Cheating-agreed. No question about it.

From OP request for advice and support: It happened. Cheating is a terrible, hurtful thing to do to someone, and I am sorry it happened to you. Many will say "strike one, you are out." Others may be more forgiving. But your decision is just that, yours.

From the brief description of the events, I believe he was probably blackout drunk. He was honest and upfront and appeared to be genuinely remorseful, which is a positive thing, and not typical behavior of an active alcoholic. And you mention that he does not drink often, again not characteristic of an alcoholic. So I don't think we can jump to the conclusion that he is an alcoholic. And regarding the hickeys- another point to the blackout. What rationally thinking person would allow a girl to give him a hickey if he would be returning home to his girlfriend?? Even in the throws of passion, you KNOW when something will result in a hickey, and you KNOW it will be hard to explain away. He can't use the "I burned it with a curling iron" excuse.

But the fact remains, that he did cheat. No get out of jail free card due to alcohol. Tough decision no matter how you slice it...

Regarding the mean and verbally abusive part, that is another can of worms. I have known people that are not alcoholics, but on the rare occasion that they drink, they are just jerks, and do stupid things. They should come with a label that says "Instant A$$hat - just add alcohol."

Any chance for couples counseling?
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Old 06-05-2013, 08:07 PM
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Originally Posted by choublak View Post
Well for arguments sake, he could have said they were burns on his neck and made up some story.
Lol like some cheaters do....crazy stories
Hopefully it was one time thing or atleast one that he can remember and feels bad for..
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Old 06-06-2013, 08:44 AM
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His actions from that night on would be a big indicator in my eyes. Im not saying there is any excuse for cheating. Believe me, my STBXAH did his fair share and tried to blame it on his drinking and me and everything under the sun besides him just being a scumbag. But...he always lied and tried to hide it and if I found out and confronted him, he deflected the reason onto me.
IF the man in question continues to SHOW remorse and works to rebuild trust, if he has no issue with having std testing and attending counseling, if he shows that he understands that what he did was an issue...then it seems that it was a terrible mistake and not the start of a pattern....just an opinion though..
It sounds like his drinking is definitely a problem. Hard to say if he is an A or not, but regardless, his drinking is causing concerns and issues for him and the people around him and should be addressed.
I know from working with addicts and alcoholics every day that the idea that someones actions and words when they are drunk being what is already there sober but maybe not coming out...not always the case. I have seen people who have so much remorse and guilt over their actions while under the influence that they have taken their own lives. It just depends on the person.
My big question with this scenario....what is the underlying cause of him drinking until he blacks out? Is there a mental health issue? Past trauma he is trying to numb? Does he have addiction in his family? A mentally healthy person will not drink to that extent for fun....
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Old 06-06-2013, 08:44 AM
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Seems to me, the booze gives someone the guts to do what they were thinking all along.

He came home with hickeys, he had very little choice in the matter, but to tell the truth, he was already caught.

Seems like a wasted life to be making excuses for someone else poor choices, booze or no booze, a cheat is a cheat!!!
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Old 06-06-2013, 03:17 PM
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ok, so his drinking is not a NEW thing. in fact prior to this latest calamity he already had a pattern of "changing" when he drank and getting drunk and mean. now it's a night out with the boys and supposedly blacking out and ending up in bed with some woman. where did said woman come from i wonder? what was he doing out carousing like that when he has a lady and a baby at home?

the hickies indicate this wasn't a brief interlude...and either this gal didn't know he had a partner or didn't care, cuz ya usually don't leave marks if you are trying to be sneaky.

that he fessed up right away is to his credit. whether he cooked up the bit about being in a black out or not, he did at least be straight about what happened.

being in a black out does not mean that you do not know what you are doing at the TIME< it means that you just have a blank spot when it comes to recalling what you did. a lot transpired from wherever he met said woman, engaged with said woman, made it back to friend's place with said woman and then had sex with said woman that took some time, and then fell asleep with and woke up next to said woman.

to wit, this ain't no slip on a banana peel. no oopsie. this was an EVENT that transpired in which he had many opportunities to make different choices.

i bet he's sorry now! i bet he's contrite as hell. tomorrow is friday, then the weekend, let's see how long mr. remorseful keeps his word.
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Old 06-06-2013, 06:06 PM
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I believe there's redemption in every situation. I don't know whether you're boyfriend is an A or not, and I also don't know whether he's lying or not. But he says he's sorry and you say you love him. Okay. I personally feel too many people give up on marriages and relationships to soon nowadays without trying to fix it when there's trouble or it's broken. I dealt with a cheating husband years ago when he was going through his midlife crisis. We're still married and it will be 31 years this summer. People can work things out. And sometimes they can't. My best advice to you both is to get some counseling if you can afford it. We did it and it worked. Sometimes beautiful can rise from the ashes. If you can't afford a private counselor maybe you can go to a priest, minister, or rabbi. Many of them don't charge a fee. If you decide to try to work things out , I wish you the best. If not, hang in there. You can get through it.
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Old 06-06-2013, 09:06 PM
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I guess it all depends what your boundaries are (everyone's are different). For me personally cheating is a line you can't go backwards over - drinking is not an excuse in my book...and while admitting it is nice it doesn't change that it happened (for me anyway). What I learned about my STBXAH is that drinking did not change who he was it just magnified it - that's just my experience. When an adult picks up a drink they are responsible for the consequences whether they remember them or not (that is just my opinion though).

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.
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Old 06-06-2013, 09:49 PM
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sounds like our story

Originally Posted by wolfpackfan45 View Post

My best advice to you both is to get some counseling if you can afford it.

We did it and it worked.

Sometimes beautiful can rise from the ashes.

If you can't afford a private counselor maybe you can go to a priest, minister, or rabbi. Many of them don't charge a fee.

sounds like our story
all was very well in the end for the wife and I
Christian (free) counseling was a blessing for us
nice to hear the other side shared
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