Court Update
My emotional baggage
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 285
Court Update
Well, I got a call in the morning that his side wanted a continuance once again. So I was told court was off, but that my restraining order would stay in place until the next court date. I got another call a little while later from my attorney and apparently the boy's attorney decided she wanted to update the court on the situation TODAY. So I did have to go in to listen.
When I got there, my STBXAH and his attorney were there also. (So much for needing a continuance!) When they heard the boys attorney was going to be speaking with the judge they just had to appear.
Anyway, it was all good in my favor but very hard to listen to. Basically they updated the court that in the last 8 weeks the boys had tried calling their Dad 18 times (Keep those phone records!) and he only spoke with the boys twice. He is supposed to have weekly two hour long supervised visits but had not even tried to set one up until last week.
My STBXAH had every excuse under the sun, and just kept talking and talking and I found it very embarrassing. (I wish there was a sarcasm font!!!) "He wanted nothing more than to speak with his boys but every time he stepped away for even 5 minutes, that was when the boys would call!" or he is so busy with going to the doctor and "work related issues" (he is off work on a medical injury) or taking care of the house that he couldn't be in the house for the calls at 7:00 at night. He just sounded like a d-bag. And as my attorney pointed out, we tried his cell every time also. The fact that his was admitted to the hospital for 4 days the day after I did a walkthrough of his (was our) house was brought into record, so that is good. My attorney will now be subpoenaing the medical records. The judge just kept nodding as she stated she was going to be doing that.
The judge basically jumped on him and told him everyone is busy but he has two sons and they need to be his top priority. He was very clear in asking him if he understood that his actions now will affect the permanent custody. So basically I will keep the restraining order in place for the next 90 days to start with. If no issues happen (he cannot even call, text or email me) then we will let it fall off with the expectation that the smallest misstep will bring us right back to court. The boys will now call once a week during a 45 minute window to see if he will answer. He will start this Saturday with his supervised visits. He is required to get counseling and is advised to let the boys attorney speak with the counselor because as it was pointed out, counseling only does good if the counselor is getting all the facts.
We are hoping to have the financial side of this wrapped up by the 28th of the month and then the divorce should be final.
I feel like I should feel good because it is looking good for me but I just feel kind of tired. We have been going to court for a year as of today and still don't have this settled. I am a much stronger person. I was a shaking leaf of a person a year ago and could hardly make a decision about the divorce. My boys are so much stronger now and doing great in school. The thing is I really always loved that he was a survivor. My STBXAH has a ton of stories about life throwing curveballs at him and he always does well. It amazes me that he has not gotten his act together yet, that he has not hit his bottom. It is kind of sad, in a watching from the sidelines not in emotionally tied up way.
4MyBoys (sorry it was so long!)
When I got there, my STBXAH and his attorney were there also. (So much for needing a continuance!) When they heard the boys attorney was going to be speaking with the judge they just had to appear.
Anyway, it was all good in my favor but very hard to listen to. Basically they updated the court that in the last 8 weeks the boys had tried calling their Dad 18 times (Keep those phone records!) and he only spoke with the boys twice. He is supposed to have weekly two hour long supervised visits but had not even tried to set one up until last week.
My STBXAH had every excuse under the sun, and just kept talking and talking and I found it very embarrassing. (I wish there was a sarcasm font!!!) "He wanted nothing more than to speak with his boys but every time he stepped away for even 5 minutes, that was when the boys would call!" or he is so busy with going to the doctor and "work related issues" (he is off work on a medical injury) or taking care of the house that he couldn't be in the house for the calls at 7:00 at night. He just sounded like a d-bag. And as my attorney pointed out, we tried his cell every time also. The fact that his was admitted to the hospital for 4 days the day after I did a walkthrough of his (was our) house was brought into record, so that is good. My attorney will now be subpoenaing the medical records. The judge just kept nodding as she stated she was going to be doing that.
The judge basically jumped on him and told him everyone is busy but he has two sons and they need to be his top priority. He was very clear in asking him if he understood that his actions now will affect the permanent custody. So basically I will keep the restraining order in place for the next 90 days to start with. If no issues happen (he cannot even call, text or email me) then we will let it fall off with the expectation that the smallest misstep will bring us right back to court. The boys will now call once a week during a 45 minute window to see if he will answer. He will start this Saturday with his supervised visits. He is required to get counseling and is advised to let the boys attorney speak with the counselor because as it was pointed out, counseling only does good if the counselor is getting all the facts.
We are hoping to have the financial side of this wrapped up by the 28th of the month and then the divorce should be final.
I feel like I should feel good because it is looking good for me but I just feel kind of tired. We have been going to court for a year as of today and still don't have this settled. I am a much stronger person. I was a shaking leaf of a person a year ago and could hardly make a decision about the divorce. My boys are so much stronger now and doing great in school. The thing is I really always loved that he was a survivor. My STBXAH has a ton of stories about life throwing curveballs at him and he always does well. It amazes me that he has not gotten his act together yet, that he has not hit his bottom. It is kind of sad, in a watching from the sidelines not in emotionally tied up way.
4MyBoys (sorry it was so long!)
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 188
Wonderful update! In the midst of the divorce, court proceedings, and parenting, you grew and remained strong. So inspiring!
Another chapter will close for you once the divorce is finalized later this month. Congratulations on continuing to move forward with yourself and your boys!
Another chapter will close for you once the divorce is finalized later this month. Congratulations on continuing to move forward with yourself and your boys!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Sorry that things got put on hold somewhat but glad for you and the boys that court went as it did today with regard to the boys and their contact with their dad etc...
It is hard to see someone that we used to respect being a total mess and unable or unwilling to pick themselves up and get it together. I get that...
So glad that the judge and court see through his BS about why he can't answer the phone!
It is hard to see someone that we used to respect being a total mess and unable or unwilling to pick themselves up and get it together. I get that...
So glad that the judge and court see through his BS about why he can't answer the phone!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
4MyBoys,
It sounds like things are working out in your favor (and your boys'). That is something to be grateful for.
It's too bad that it is not all settled at this point as I'm sure you worked hard to prepare yourself with that expectation.
What is abundantly clear, is that the judge sees things for what they are with regard to your Ex. I suppose you also have more information based on what you heard today - maybe that will be beneficial when you do get your final hearing.
It is draining, I know. And even though I do not have my final order yet, it was a great relief to have that step done. It took a few days for me to feel the relief. I hope that happens for you too in the next few days.
The 28th isn't that far off!
Hugs,
MamaKit
It sounds like things are working out in your favor (and your boys'). That is something to be grateful for.
It's too bad that it is not all settled at this point as I'm sure you worked hard to prepare yourself with that expectation.
What is abundantly clear, is that the judge sees things for what they are with regard to your Ex. I suppose you also have more information based on what you heard today - maybe that will be beneficial when you do get your final hearing.
It is draining, I know. And even though I do not have my final order yet, it was a great relief to have that step done. It took a few days for me to feel the relief. I hope that happens for you too in the next few days.
The 28th isn't that far off!
Hugs,
MamaKit
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
What a great update!
It is amazing how much we can grow in a years time, especially when we are proactively taking steps in the right direction instead of staying stuck in the midst of the chaos.
Addicts always have a million and one excuses why they couldn't do something, why they didn't answer the phone, why they didn't pay, etc. etc. I am happy the judge was able to see past his BS because one of the most infuriating things is when their BS is believed!
I am sure you are SOOO ready for this to be over with and finalized. A year is a long time to be going back and forth in court, but at the same time, you have come so far! You are independent, strong, and able to make decisions that in the past you prob. wouldn't have thought possible. You should be very proud of yourself and your boys are lucky to have you!
It is amazing how much we can grow in a years time, especially when we are proactively taking steps in the right direction instead of staying stuck in the midst of the chaos.
Addicts always have a million and one excuses why they couldn't do something, why they didn't answer the phone, why they didn't pay, etc. etc. I am happy the judge was able to see past his BS because one of the most infuriating things is when their BS is believed!
I am sure you are SOOO ready for this to be over with and finalized. A year is a long time to be going back and forth in court, but at the same time, you have come so far! You are independent, strong, and able to make decisions that in the past you prob. wouldn't have thought possible. You should be very proud of yourself and your boys are lucky to have you!
My emotional baggage
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 285
Thanks everyone! I think the tiring part is that though I feel confident that we will get through the finacial part this month and the divorce will be finalized I have been told repeatedly by my attorney that she thinks I will be dealing with the courts until my kids move out when it comes to custody....
So welcome to my new normal. It doesn't look like what I thought it would. I always thought there would be an end where I could close this book and start over. The feeling that this will never really end is the part that I find tiring, because by fighting me in court over this, he is able to keep himself tied to me. It is my reality now and I still am 10000000000000000000000000000000% better off than before. My kids are thriving and I am doing well and really moving forward but he still is a shadow in the corner of the room with us. He doesn't get to make a sound and we don't really see him but is still there. Maybe one day I will be able to hang a picture over him. Heehee!
4MyBoys
So welcome to my new normal. It doesn't look like what I thought it would. I always thought there would be an end where I could close this book and start over. The feeling that this will never really end is the part that I find tiring, because by fighting me in court over this, he is able to keep himself tied to me. It is my reality now and I still am 10000000000000000000000000000000% better off than before. My kids are thriving and I am doing well and really moving forward but he still is a shadow in the corner of the room with us. He doesn't get to make a sound and we don't really see him but is still there. Maybe one day I will be able to hang a picture over him. Heehee!
4MyBoys
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