irisgardens

I have done work on myself...starting after the death of a child 23 years ago. I tried to get my family help for many years as well, but as they grew into teenager hood...they went the 'fun' route and partied and had fun...and with three daughters...that was drugs...the first one (girl) raves, the second one (male) binge drinking, the third (girl) crystal meth (starting as a freshman drinking), the fourth (girl) active on crystal meth...and the hubby...as I did work ... was a drinker when I married him...and lived a lifestyle of the latin male...for all the years of our marriage until about 6 years ago.

Me...I was a work-aholic to keep the family from going down after the child death...but after 10 years...and with my father's death (he was the one who cared for me...total caretaker addict and drinker)...and my first daughter on drugs...diagnosed with clinical depression. My family of origin 'seemed' to think that I was 'perfect' until then...but I was not...I was working 70 hour weeks and taking care of Mom and Dad on weekends...and with family...caring too. I was crazy.

Then, when I started to get into tough love treatment for oldest daughter...and working (60-70 hour weeks) and to do treatment for myself...I went down...I couldn't work anymore...and was super angry or numb...and the hubby continued his life style...and I was always lonely, but started working on family of origin issues. Then, the whole family started talking about Mom's issues...and to get them...because yes...they were serial...and coming 'awake' to the family inheritance of addiction in my Dad's family (mom was perfect and had no family issues...also coming awake to that)...to get help and do rehab...I told them that I 'needed' them to do it.

With the second (third child) daughter, hubby participated...and I 'hoped' that he was improving...but I remember telling the therapists that I was 'doing' it for my husband. Things got better for a while...some good things happened...daughter had twin daughters and she moved in and we 'took care' of the kids and I went back to work when the $1MM of savings went down the tubes...husband worked the whole time...but we ran out...and I started my finance career over...but this time, I was less passive and more forthright...and it took some time to get back to my managerial level...men expected me to be passive and I was still care taking an addictive daughter who I hoped was in recovery, but she was drinking and going out and impulsive and manipulative.

The fourth was depressed and we were in such chaos that, although I got and paid for her treatment...I was too busy and overwhelmed and depressed with all the other stuff...and working...and worrying about the money...as husband went down three times in the past 13 years...and savings from my money was what paid for the recuperation...and restarts...and finally...he ran out of money again...cried in the truck as I was going to a 13 hour job in a Fortune 100 company and said he was too stressed and on anti-depressants and the doctor said he needed 3 1/2 years of rest from his contractor job...and then I didn't want to...my whole body resisted...but I said that 'it would be ok' 'we would work it out' but since then...although I found another job...and we finalized a plan to go to his home country...Chile...and made plans for a better life...it hasn't been.

Long story short...it has been worse and now I am having angry attacks and I am being told that I have severe psychological issues and I believe that I am actually needing to get out. I wrote a truthful email and the family says it was nasty...it pointed out AH's lack of financial provision and how I can't take it any more. In Chile, I have learned that he is considered a 'normal' chilean man...and I have hit bottom. I am losing weight as I am too depressed to eat...in bed...working the support groups...had to leave his sisters' houses as they made it clear that I am expected to listen to their nasty gossip about family (left that behind years ago...with my mother and sister...they hate me now) and I am expected to do what they say, when they say it...in return for favors (help). It is my husband...I just didn't see it.

I am a firm christian, but do not see that I need to ruin my life for people who are unwilling/unable to be there for me. I started apologizing after I sent the email, but my pastor/therapist/also a survivor...told me that I am a long-term victim of emotional abuse and that I am acting like a victim. I am back on this site...and in naranon and alanon and some other support sites...but I am horrified by what I have done to my life.

I have a fabulous resume...but there is no money. Although I have worked so hard...and have made progress, the AH has never even acknowledged that he has an issue...never apologies...except now when he goes out and doesn't come home until early in the morning as he did every Friday and Saturday night for at least 25 years...drunk...now he says...I am sorry...but I just don't care much...and he manipulates me through passive aggressive behavior to talk and say what I feel and then turns it on me. When I cry or feel anything...as we have the fourth daughter is out of contact...for 8 weeks now...it is killing me...he says he worries about her but just stays silent and tells me 'we have to let her go'.

He will not and although I relapsed a few months ago from my own emotions out of whack...losing weight released a lot of old 'emotions', the 'loss' of children, albeit adult children in the states as the last one went home in December, the relapse of the one who was living with a son in January...the figuring out what the chilean man is simply 'known' to be...and being confronted with it...and seeing it in every guy who he hangs out with...most divorced or single...hearing from the wives (yes, some stay friends) but realizing that all the men here seem to drink a lot until their health goes...and he was hanging out with friends when I was back there with toxic daughter.

I am punishing myself because of the email. I am crazy. People here and on another site told me they felt my pain & real (factually) based. The family said it was nasty and won't tolerate my behavior. So now, the healthier codependents of my family are setting boundaries on me...and Dad wrote to them and said he didn't know what to do...that I have blown up all his family relationships here. Of course he has bad mouthed my family for years...and continued here until I told him that I was over it...had to be over it...and please not talk about it any more.

I am finally grieving my mother...she was the emotionally abusive one...and yes...the anger attacks...I imagine that I have always been angry...but unable to express but wasn't aware of it until I started working on my stuff as above. I continue to work on getting better. I know that continuing to say 'it will be ok' is not good. I am destroying myself.

I am back in emotional detachment. I have always told my AH everything...a compulsive talker...need to not do that. I even told him that people have categorized him as a 'chilean husband'. He is always nice to me and takes such good care of me...transport and food...when I am working...but in the past many years has told me I am 'sick' from the depression and anxiety...that I would never work again. That was 17 years ago...I did my work and went back to work...but get triggered...business is not a good place for me anymore...probably never was.

Am reinventing myself into an ESL teacher here...from scratch. He spent all the rest of the savings...didn't finish the promised house and I makes me ask for all my needs (I never did that...was trained by parents to share all). He is proud that he 'never' spent money...just time at the bar and with men friends and at soccer games and doing for the kids and with the kids. When he went down last time...he said he needed to 'retire' to Chile...he was going to turn 62 and he was too old to keep on working so hard. So, we did it...and a bankruptcy and a house foreclosure.

We rented an apartment for the daughter with kids. We sent the other daughter to a California beach town to go to community college...she got into heroin...couldn't handle studying or work. Two years of constant stress...that time he went to try to find her...kept giving money...but not much but enough. I was depressed, working, and anxious. I was exhausted, shopping and eating to fill up but it wasn't enough any more. I started to want to take off weight and realized that with all the chaos...it was impossible.

Now we are here...unemployment ran out & the disability that AH felt was critical for me was denied. He was very phsychologically forceful in having me apply...my preference is to live a healthier life and work as long as I can...as I can't believe that I am down and out at 58...and I have to believe that if I work...and have my own independence...I will be healthier.

So...why, if so much clarity...am I still here? I don't know...the fear of losing people who are incapable of love and care (authentic)? I am crazy.

I have reached out to this group. I am going to go see the psychiatrist again...and see if there is any help...although Chile does meds only (have been fairly stable on meds for 16 years...but this new stress -- I can't handle it and I cannot handle the lack of compassion in the hubby (since he is doing well again...now he can put the issues on me again...and as I came to Chile as my last 'try'...and as he does not listen nor care (although he is so nice to everyone outside that they actually believe I am the bad one)--he even went to mother and asked for money a few years ago while I was 'letting him feel the consequences of his bad business decisions and to work through them' and until then, I think I was willing to believe he had a possibility...but he doesn't and the one who gets hurt is me...I know, I know...because I am not doing my recovery well enough...but please...help me to get my mind clear.

I am interviewing over the phone...and I can 'feel' how happy he is with that...and he now says he can't live without his kids and needs to move back that this is not what he wanted or expected...which I knew it wouldn't be...but he has now blamed me for blowing up his family relationships...I simply got up and went to a friends' house when one was so controlling I HAD to make the bed within 5 minutes...or whatever she needed...and I saw that there too can go I...and the other got angry and blamed me and when I asked the husband not to say bad stuff about the other sister (it was three weeks of constant gossip and criticism of the past & I wasn't even there)...and I got up...said...I don't want to talk about this...I am not mad...just can't talk like this or listen...and I left the house...and that is what I did. I think I was taking care of myself.

I am very conflicted...because the corporate work is so stressful...although the money meets AH's needs...but since the house got lost...when I wasn't working the last time and we ran through the savings...I don't have to worry about that anymore...and it was in an affluent area...and I don't really care about superficial, shallow people and what they think...because it is always something quite traditional and quite wrong. My kids are grown...the ex crystal meth addict has been abusive since I left (Dad just says...don't worry, I will work with her)...and I think that truly...I have hit bottom.

I need to keep this in mind. Don't know what else to do. Have some actions that I am doing...

1. Do 2nd phone interview without freaking out and wondering if I am making a wrong decision to consider going back...maybe husband will someday care about me.

2. See psychotherapist and see if meds can be re-arranged or if there is something else for the outbursts.

3. Continue on nar-anon and sober recovery (it is not really considered 'socially appropriate' here and people live by appearances...not what is necessarily healthy'--men drinking, having mistresses, and not administering money wisely, whatever are considered normal behavior and a good man is one who doesn't have a mistress.

My husband is not allowing me to administer the money...all in his head...he has all the access and all the titles here because I do not have my residency visa. He is worse than he was in the states and so I am seeing the controlling behavior. He is very angry that I shop and blames me for doing that over the past few years. I believe that that is what he has blamed the money situation on...although I kept the money all those years...and he consistently used my salary to pay for the business...and when we sold a building and had $1 MM in the bank...he used savings for almost 10 years...while working until it was gone. I also used all my retirement.

Please don't scream and yell...I am doing that to myself. I just need to get help and help myself.

I was drinking a bit more than usual when I got here, but have stopped. I have never been a big drinker...started at 40 with stress...but it is on the weekend...one date night a week with hubby but I am now just drinking one glass of wine...not good with the antidepressants...so took that step.

I do need to rant and rave...and probably sound like a victim...I need to get out...if I don't now...I am going to lose everything that I might even recover...I cannot do the insanity any more.

Tuffgirl

First of all, Iris, hugs to you today. Laying this all out must have been hard, but maybe also a bit cathartic as well?!

I don't have anything brilliant to say; except that if I were you, I'd be completely overwhelmed too. But this is a place to share and learn, so don't feel like you are going to be crucified for being honest with what is happening in your life. Remember, take what works and leave the rest. None of us can possibly know what its like to walk a mile in your moccasins.

What can you do right now for yourself? One nice thing? One gentle, kind thing? A hot bath, maybe? That may be a good place to begin. Do one nice thing for yourself each day.

Do you have any support where you are now? Counseling opportunities? There is so much going on that face-to-face support may be your best option right now. Having someone help you lay out a plan for your life...help you think clearly and concisely about your choices...help you let go of the insanity and find your path to recovery.

In the meantime, rant all you need. I took many solitary walks in the woods and threw rocks and sticks while I yelled. Getting the emotion out of me was really amazing...allowed me to be clear-headed enough to deal with the rest of life!

Prayers for peaceful days ahead,
~T

irisgardens

Thank you so much...you helped me immensely. Thank you. I am saying the serenity prayer...and thanking for your encouragement. I am grateful.

Neagrm

I concur with all Tuffgirl says, Iris, and would say the same.

It can take a little time and interviewing of therapists/counselors to find the right one, but it's worth it. (I speak from experience.) Sometimes there are clergy/church staff, if well trained and skilled, who can help also.

Are there any Al-Anon groups where you are? That could be another resource.

In the meantime, like Tuffgirl says, what is something you enjoy just for you, something that nurtures you? Go for a walk, read a book, listen to favorite music, get a massage, do some relaxation response meditation, get in the car and do a primal scream, throw eggs at a tree, whatever. Even if you can only find a few minutes, it's a help, a way to care for yourself.

As unjust as it is, I've read and experienced, often the wife is blamed for the husband's issues; this is typical and common; even doctors who should know better don't take seriously enough how much our husbands drink and how it affects the family.

You didn't cause it. You can't control it. And you can't cure it. What's left is...take good care of yourself, learn more about setting boundaries, hone communication skills (non-violent communication), reach out like you are, and build a healthy support network.

Sending hugs and best wishes....

Seren

No screaming and yelling here, iris...I'm glad you found SR. You'll find lots of support, experience, strength, and hope by posting here. I know others will be along to share their own experiences--you are not alone!