How to understand childrens reactions......

Old 06-05-2013, 07:24 AM
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How to understand childrens reactions......

Ok, so the pfa is in place, the move is done and I am letting AH have his time with the kids as long as there are no issues. I am now in a different school district. The pfa has me having custody until November. Both of my children have told me that they want to switch schools in the fall. My daughter keeps bringing up the subject and asking when we are telling daddy. I had talked to AH briefly last night and had him on speaker, my daughter walks in as I was telling him that it will take quite some time to see if this marriage is fixable. My daughter says, " yea like five yrs". While she is laughing and joking. They both seem fine about the situation. Neither one has shown sadness, or anger. I am trying to make this as easy for them as possible. I just am not sure if they are excited about a new house or are really glad that I left. Any advice?
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Old 06-05-2013, 07:30 AM
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I don't have children myself, but I can speak from the perspective of living in a home with an A and a dad who stayed together. I often hoped and prayed for my father to move us out of the home and never understood how he thought it was better to stay together "for the sake of the kids." Had he taken me out of the home, I can absolutely picture myself feeling mostly relief at not having to live with my mother anymore.

I am sure they are feeling many things. The best way to find out might be to ask them?
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Old 06-05-2013, 07:55 AM
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I second talking to them to see how they feel, we can only guess, and it is always a good thing to open up communication with children at difficult times like this. Obviously I don't know your children well enough to guess, but if I had made a comment like that to one of my parents at that age it would have been using sarcastic humour to cover up painful feelings. Family members regularly praised me for how well I was dealing with the situation, but in reality I was depressed, self harming and anorexic. I'm not saying that's whats going on at all! Just to make sure there is nothing going on under the surface if they seem surprisingly OK about everything.

When my Dad asked my alcoholic mother to leave he was very open about what was going on in the process and although it was a painful time I think that it was made easier and less scary by this openness. But do try to keep things neutral, without blaming either party because however much he (or you) have done wrong the kids still benefit from working out their own relationship to their parents, untainted by the parents prejudices. And of course reassure the kids that nothing that is happening is their fault and that Mummy and Daddy still love them both very much, nothing has changed there.
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Old 06-05-2013, 08:30 AM
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I'd ask them...they might just surprise you by telling you straight up! Or if they don't want to talk about it, then maybe a therapist.

My oldest who is currently 7, is the one I worry about most. I take her to a therapist. I was sure that she was going to be horribly traumatized and permanently scarred from the things that her father did while we were married.

The therapist told me that really, she's fine. I did my best to shelter her from what I could, but as everyone knows, no matter how much you try to hide things, they notice. Children are very perceptive. We still go to the therapist. Once every couple of months as just a check up really. That way communication is open and she feels that if she can't talk to me about something then, she can definitely talk to her therapist.

I also find that the children feed off of me. If I am calm and in control of the situation, they are at ease. If I am frantic and upset and STBXAH has me emotionally distraught, so are the kids.
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Old 06-05-2013, 08:42 AM
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My daughter is eleven and the youngest is eight
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Old 06-05-2013, 08:56 AM
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myfreedom, I would just second the good advice that the other posters have given.

Especially--that they will feed a lot off of you. If you seem calm and stable, they will feel much more "safe" than if you don't.

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Old 06-16-2013, 08:08 PM
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I too worry about how all of this is affecting my two daughters. My oldest daughter is almost 14. She is most definitely in "teenager mode"! She has seen some pretty bad stuff over the years in my relationships. I did take her to a therapist after she lived through several bad situations with my youngest's "donor." That was when she was 10.
My youngest is 3. She has been displaying several signs of seperation anxiety. She really thought of my AB as her "dad." She still doesn't understand why he left one day and has not returned. He did come by to get all his belongings including the dog one morning while she was in daycare. She was really upset then. Just the other night she said "Mom, I really miss "J", when will he ever come back and bring the dog to see us again? Is he playing a trick on us?" It was so heartbreaking.
Its really my 14yr old that Im so afraid will end up suffering the most. She loved this man when he first came into our lives. They had a close bond. She very much keeps things bottled up. I have tried to talk with her and she just says she doesnt really think about it. That she is otherwise occupied with stuff. She has seen me at my worst and saw him in his worst state too. She was devestated that he only said "hi" to her when he came and moved out. He didnt even tell her goodbye. That was also quite hard for me to see.
These girls are my hope right now and its killing me see them go through this. Trying to keep myself together and also trying to let them know its gonna be ok. Most of all I wanna break this cycle so that they do t have to suffer the same as I have.
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