unindated

Hi,

I have a friend, that while we are not dating, we are very close and spend a lot of time together.

To cut a long story short....

Recently, she told me she is an alcoholic and also that she wants to take steps to stop.
On several occasions recently, we have spent some brilliant time together, only for it to suddenly turn when she accuses me of nasty things without any reason. An example being we started to watch a film together when her daughter wouldn't sit still she said she would take her home and accused me of 'practically kicking her out of my house'. I offered her a lift which she refused, then 10 minutes later I received a text saying 'you do know I'm in the middle of nowhere with my daughter'.

When I speak to her asking what happened, she always ignores it, and turns things on to me. She never comes to me afterwards with an apologies and it's always me that has to go to her

She is an amazing woman but this recent behaviour of hers seems very odd and not like the person I knew. The day before she told me she was an alcoholic (about 5 months ago) she told me she wanted me out of her life. When I asked why, she invited me round and told me she was an alcoholic, then said the only thing she wanted from this was for us to be OK. I told her I would do anything to help and support her

I'm at a loss as to what to do really and discussing it with her doesn't get us anywhere as she says things that appear to have no logic behind them.

I guess I'm just looking for any advice on the situation.

Many Thanks

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

This is a wonderful resource of support and information. Feel free to read, post and vent when needed.

When I first arrived here, I learned about the 3 C's of my alcoholics addiction:

I did not Cause it
I can not Control it
I will not Cure it

As much as your AF (alcoholic friend) wants you to believe you are Causing her drama, she can justify another reason to get drunk. Alcoholics are skilled at manipulation, denial, lack of personal responsibility, and other irrational behavior.

You have already tried discussing and explaining your feelings, right? That is what rational people do in a relationship. Unfortunately, alcoholics are not rational ~ they are addicts. Addicts are capable of doing and saying anything that will protect their d.o.c. (drug of choice), in this case it is alcohol.

I find that many members here have already walked the same path I have walked (or currently walking) and their stories inspire me. Their stories are preserved in the Sticky Posts at the top of this main forum page. Here is a link to a sticky post that helped me when I was dealing with active alcoholism:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

unindated

Many Thanks for your response Pelican.

I think one of the things I'm trying to get my head around is that she is the most intelligent person I've ever known and her illogical reasoning is baffling. These things never happened before she told me of her addiction, despite it still being there.

Thank you for the link. I'd like to educate myself as much as possible

Florence

Addiction makes rational people irrational. Until she is actively working a recovery program and "gets it", you won't get the rational, reasoned, well-considered conversation you expect. You will get chaos, confusion, and disappointment.

unindated

Thanks for the response Florence.

I have spent a while today reading past threads on this forum and have learnt a lot.

Things are starting to make a lot more sense now.

Now the difficult part of putting the words into action.

Florence

Of course! Hang out, ask all the questions you want.

Over time, I realized when I left a conversation with my AH feeling more confused and uncertain than when I started, I wasn't getting the whole story. And more often than not, he didn't want me to have the whole story.

Ultimately I decided I couldn't live with someone who was so secretive and manipulative of day to day information about life.

unindated

That is very similar to how I feel.

Having conversations and feeling so confused that they feels like something is missing. Before I knew my friend was an alcoholic I sussed it out due to the amount of time we spent together. She tried keeping it a secret but it gradually became very obvious to myself. Even after I knew she would still do it secretly.

It still feels like something is missing despite the fact that she has told me this information. She did confide in me recently about the problem, which she hasn't done to many of her close family.

The irrational behaviour towards me has only started since I knew about her addiction.

I have taken some things personally when I know that I shouldn't. After all, she has shown me the trust and respect to tell me when she wouldn't others?

All part of the learning curve I guess.

Tuffgirl

She is protecting her addiction with her crappy behavior. This is normal. Until she wants to stop and seeks her own way that will be successful for her, the addiction will go to great lengths to protect itself.

I don't think this is about trust and respect at all. But I can see how you'd think it is, given your feelings for her and not wanting to see the dysfunction beneath this intelligent woman you obviously care for.

To my now addictions-educated mind, I see it as a warning. Respectful people don't abuse others and act irrational and illogical. To me, it seems she is sabotaging this relationship, also very common, because she hasn't really decided yet if she wants to stop her addiction. Easier to warn you and run you off than deal with that.

My humble advice: be very careful, this is a rabbit hole that one easily falls down without even realizing it, until we are looking up from the bottom of the hole and wondering what the hell happened.

Keep reading, posting, and coming back; it helps a lot!
~T

unindated

Hi Tuffgirl, really appreciate that.

Regarding the respect and trust. I did think that could possible be the case, hence the question mark at the end. Thank you for your input.

She did tell me last week that she was ready to stop, and had planned steps to take. Then her behaviour Sunday (original post) happened and was worse then anything before.

My next question is what do I say? Do I tell her I care about her but can't be around while she is so irrational with me and that I'd love her to get in touch when she is ready to do something about it?

I'll be careful and will certainly be back here. I've learnt a lot in the hour or so I've been reading this forum

Take care

SparkleKitty

Is this the truth? If so, by all means, please say it (though personally I would replace the words "while she is so irrational with me" with "while you are actively in addiction").

If not -- if it is an effort to manipulate her into seeking recovery and you have no actual intention of staying away from her if she doesn't get help -- then don't bother. It won't work and you will only teach her that you do not mean what you say.

Addiction is extremely baffling. Logic and reasoning don't have places in it. I wish you strength as you learn more about it.

unindated

I'd like to do what is best for her.

She's not always like this, and when she isn't we have such a good time together.

However, if I just ignore the outbursts, is she likely to continue them even more.

I'm not sure how often she drinks when I'm not around, but I do presume it's a simliar amount.

If I do say that I will leave her alone, I will follow through with it.

Thanks for your advice.

AnvilheadII

it sounds to me that her "revealing" her problem to you and the always attendant TALK about quitting was really more of drawing you in as a conspirator in a sense. hey, i TOLD you i had a drinking problem, why are you acting so surprised? now that you are in the "secret" club you get to witness more of the rituals and secret handshakes....i don't want to classify it as TESTING you, but more like seeing just how much BS you will tolerate.

you do not for any reason need to be the beating end of the verbal stick. if her behavior is unacceptable, then remove yourself from the person exhibiting the behavior.

also bear in mind, you don't know what ALL is going on with her...you mention she has a daughter, sounds like a young daughter...if she's drinking it's possible that drinking is increasing, as alcoholism IS a progressive illness. she may be taking medications or street drugs as well. she may have other conditions that exacerbate her volatility. rarely is it JUST having too much to drink too often....

tread carefully!

unindated

Well, that's put an end to that.

Another lovely weekend ended with a random insulting message from her (I'm not even sure she was drinking) and then follow on messages that defy logic.

Is this person I came to be friends with the real person or is 'this' the real person. How do you tell what is clouded by alcoholism and what isn't? Suppose I'll never know.

Just needed a little vent.

dandylion

Dear unindated, you would have not idea who the "real" person is until she was sober AND working the program for a minimum of one to two years. AND, she doesn't either!!!!

Neither of you know or can trust her. Hopefully, she will seek treatment and sobriety.

I am so sorry that you have gone through this. You can wish her well in your heart, but, sadly, that is about all. The rest will be up to her.

Sincerely, dandylion

unindated

Thankyou Dandylion.

I haven't had contact with the person since Monday after she sent me an awful text, which an hour later she followed with a message saying she enjoyed our friendship and that she couldn't give me what I wanted (not sure what she means by that), and basically attributed blame on me, but says I'll be missed. She's told me I gave up on her when that isn't the case and have said several times I would do whatever was necessary to help, but she never responded. Her behaviour feels like she has deliberately pushed me away, but she wants me to be the one to accept responsibility.

I feel guilty with the way I have responded to previous situations, before I had found this site and read up on things. I should of ignored things but instead defended myself against her behaviour.

I also feel guilty about ignoring her last couple of texts but I just don't know what to say to them. The reasons she say things are done are not true, but I've been through them before and it's like she doesn't believe them. Anything nice I have to say to her generally gets ignored, as if she doesn't believe it.

LexieCat

She's right, she can't give you what you want, which is a rational, mutually satisfying relationship.

It isn't your responsibility to accept her version of who is to blame for what. Nor is it your responsibility to correct her perception of who or what is to blame for what.

You are still trying to make sense of her behavior, and that's a losing battle. If I were you I'd do what dandylion suggests--wish her well and move on.

dandylion

Yeah, unindated--I know it is easier for us who are not "walking wounded", like you have been to be objestive. It just looks like you have only on option that doesn't end tragically for you.

Sometimes, there is another c0-diagnisis present (in addition to alcoholism), but even that is hard to know (or treat) when the alcoholism is still active.

You might have to categorize this as AFGE.

dandylion

fluffyflea

Does she have a mental illness?

dandylion

Dear earthworm----AFGE----Another F****ng Growth Experience


Sometimes, referred to as: Another Effin Growth Opportunity.

dandylion

unindated

I've known her about a year now. In that time she has told me she has attempted suicide, and suffers from anxiety. She also gets really irritated by noises (people chewing, biting nails etc) to such an extent that she'd walk out of a cafe. She's also a paranoid person.

It's only the last month or so that this irrational behaviour towards me has been happening. We would literally go from discussing holidaying together to 'that's it' with what seems like no trigger.

She is a single mum and really is a fantastic mother to her daughter. She feels that she gets no help from her family and that they are still angry about the suicide attempt.

I can't seem to put my finger on what's changed recently for her behaviour to be so illogical lately, or has she always being like this and I haven't noticed.

I'm trying to just forget about it and move on, but then I'll think about how things use to be and try and analyse the impossible.

I miss her and am worried about her.