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Old 06-04-2013, 06:57 AM
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Random Update

Hi all, its been awhile since I have posted. Just been staying busy with my daughter. Abf is still here, i guess we are still "together". As much together as 2 people living two seperate lifes in the same house can be. We barely talk now and when we do it just leds to an arguement, we barely hug and when we do its just uncomfortable for me. He works, drinks, and does his computer thing while i do my thing with our kid.

He still likes to run his mouth and spew non sense at nights sometimes, i typically ignore him. He did break up with me over the weekend, woke up trying to be "normal", and since then everytime he tries to be "normal" he gets told no remenber we arent together. At first he laughed it off, now I can tell it is starting to irritate him. I am just so tired of him thinking words mean nothing, that he can just say whatever he wants and then say sorry like that just makes the whole thing juat disappear. Its been a month and a half since his last violent outburst when he choked me. Sometimes I can feel and see the tension building in him. Its been 9 months since we did anything remotely close to intimate. I think we are very close to an explosion and the end. Funny part is, I havent even done anything. I just stopped caring and let things seld destruct and fall apart on their own.
Anyways, hopefully there are better days to come, my little girl is growing way too fast.. She is a lot of fun and I really dont know what I would do without her.
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Old 06-04-2013, 07:26 AM
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I mean this with absolute kindness, because I am where you are too and understand how hard it is, but if you know an explosion is coming why are you standing there waiting to get burned?

You know its bad, are you just waiting for it to be 'bad enough' to justify leaving? How bad will it have to get if choking you is not bad enough? If he's willing to choke you he could kill you whether he means to or not - will being dead be bad enough?

You are right to let the consequences happen but that doesn't mean you can't make steps to protect you and your daughter - make those better days happen. (((hugs))) I know its hard.

Last edited by Wavy; 06-04-2013 at 07:27 AM. Reason: typo
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Old 06-04-2013, 07:46 AM
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Dear SadConfused, as difficult as this is for you, do not forget that your sweet little girl is absorbing the tension--even if she doesn't show it. We sometimes forget that they are little sponges--absorbing and recording everything in their environment.

I agree with wavy--make those better days happen as fast as you can.

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Old 06-04-2013, 09:06 AM
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do not forget that your sweet little girl is absorbing the tension--even if she doesn't show it. We sometimes forget that they are little sponges--absorbing and recording everything in their environment.
dandylion beat me to it. I can only help but wonder what your little girl is learning from this situation. That it is okay for a male to berate a female? To choke a female? etc

Please take a gander over at our Adult Children of alcoholics/addicts to see just how this is going to affect her on into her adulthood.

Don't be such a stranger, you can come here and get help and ES&H from folks who have been where you are and have grown away from the situation and are living decent peaceful and somewhat serene lives today.

Love and hugs,
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Old 06-04-2013, 09:12 AM
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In your situation I would prefer not to experience an "explosion". How about a calm discussion of where the future lies? Maybe the two of you are ready to call it quits. If so, why not initiate a calm ending, instead of waiting for something that sounds very...bad.
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Old 06-04-2013, 01:44 PM
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I know what it does to a child, i grew up with an A father. Im not really just sitting back and waiting. I am but I have some stuff in place where I can make a quick exit if/when I need to. I have somewhat tried to calmly talk to him, as soon as I say something he doesnt like he starts to get unreasonible and angry. The end will never happen without the explosion, thats just not how he works. It doesnt help that there are so many people in this house so i feel like I always have to mantain the peace so no one else gets involved. I have felt so trapped in the past and i still do sometimes but it is much less than before. I told him a few days ago that if he wanted to call me his gf again he had to quit drinking, he actually laughed and mockingly took a drink of his beer. It infuriates me that he takes what I say with so little seriousness. I know I need to demand the respect i want, im just unsure how to do so at this point.
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Old 06-04-2013, 02:31 PM
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From what you have described, it sounds you can demand all you like but he does not seem interested in making any changes in his behavior -- either his drinking or the way he interacts with you.

Can I ask why you'd want him to call you his gf again? And seriously, I'm not asking to poke a wound or belittle you or anything like that; I am genuinely asking: which of your needs are being met by this relationship?

I know that trapped feeling. I lived there for a long time and it was hard to get to the place where it felt like I had a choice. But when I got there, I saw very clearly that the choice had been there all along. When you are ready, it will be there.
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Old 06-04-2013, 05:13 PM
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I don't understand why you are still with this man.
He has made it clear he is not going to change.
Do what's best for you & your child & focus on that.
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Old 06-04-2013, 06:00 PM
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I know I need to demand the respect i want, im just unsure how to do so at this point.

no,,,you ACCEPT that he does NOT respect you and then act accordingly. boundaries. boundaries that say Respect is important to me and I will not engage with anyone who does not show me respect in actions and words. I will not remain in any situation where I am not respected or that I feel threatened or unsafe.

HE won't change. he drank defiantly in your face! time to make your world about you and the kiddo and find the nearest exit.
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Old 06-04-2013, 09:36 PM
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I definitely dont want him to call me his gf again. I am really done with it, I dont want to be with him any longer sober or drunk. I just dont know how to end it. He is passed out cold right now on the couch after spending the entire afternoon on his phone and pc, which is a whole nother addiction in itself. He will be staying there cause I'm not willing to invest half and hour in to trying to wake him and he will wonder to bed around 3 or 4. I am seriously debating writing a little note that says I am done and leaving it for him but I can only imagine the reaction I would get when he wakes up. What I need to do is just tell him in the morning and stick my ground instead of just letting him off the hook when I dont even care for him to be here anymore. I would be so much happier with him gone, I am alone in every aspect other than I dont get the peace that comes with it.
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Old 06-04-2013, 10:08 PM
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I don't know if you own the house or are renting and if his name is on anything or not.

You will need to check with your state's 'tenants law' as to getting him removed. In some states you actually have to give him an eviction notice, even if his name is NOT on anything, but just by the fact that said person has lived at that address for X amount of time. See what is required legally to get him out.

Or if you and your child are leaving, then go ahead, get your new digs set up and then have the 'moving folks' (ie anyone that is going to help you or a moving company) come and move out your possessions.

He isn't going to hear you, he isn't going to believe you, you don't need to forewarn him, just do what you need to do for you and your child.

If he were a 'normal' person, yes it would be courteous to tell him of your plans, however, you are NOT dealing with 'normal.' You are dealing with a very sick individual that is living in a very false reality.

DO what you NEED to do for you and your child!

Love and hugs,
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Old 06-04-2013, 10:12 PM
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Dear SadConfused, Your anger is acute tonight---which is TOTALLY understandable. I just want to remind you to exercise caution in the am---as I am remembering that he choked you not that long ago. When faced with loss of control over the partner--this can be a very volatile time for the alcoholic (or any abuser), and when domestic abuse is most likely to happen.

Please be careful

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Old 06-05-2013, 03:07 AM
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Sadconfused..Please be careful. I feel like you need some sort of plan to exit the situation. If this man choked you, he is dangerous. Please keep coming here, there are so many people who could help you figure out how to leave him safely.
Hugs to you.
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Old 06-05-2013, 08:37 AM
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I have tried to plan and control the outcome but I feel like I am just wasting more time. I am slowly losing my calm, I have been very placid about this whole thing and I am at a point where I feel like just losing it like he does. I want to feel free to share my thoughts without feeling threatened. I want to just yell everything I have been thinking the past few months at him. I am by no means an angry unreasonable person, in fact I can count on one hand the number of times I have lost my cool and just went off at 27 yrs old. I am one of the most mellow people you could ever met but I am just at my wits end. This is my dads house, his name is no where involved. He just lives here.

He called this morning talking the typical bs he says after one of his selfish nights. "I am gonna quit drinking, I want us to be what we us too be" Blah blah blah. I told him I wasnt sure I wanted the same thing anymore. We arent the same people we were then and too much nonsense has happen to ever be the "same" again. He doesnt seem to get that. you are right that there is no convincing him or making him see things my way and I dont owe him any explanation. I am just going to tell him we are over and see where it goes.
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Old 06-05-2013, 11:07 AM
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Dear Sad, if you do tell him---please, at least. do the following: (1) do it in a public place so he is less likely to throw a fit. (2) let others know-- that you trust can come to your aid quickly, if needed (3)keep well-charged phone at fingertips--to call 911, if necessary. (4) Arrange to have another adult in the house AFTER you tell him in the public place--for the first few nights--In case he decides to become revengeful (5) keep doors and windows locked at all times. (5) find out how to get emergency protective order in case you need it.

You can't predict how he will act. Keep yourself and little girl safe.

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Old 06-05-2013, 12:24 PM
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Call your local police station, not 911, during business hours. Tell them you plan on breaking up w/your boyfriend, an active alcoholic who has choked you before. Tell them you have a child in the house. Give them your name and address and ask for their advice.
Then tell your AB, before you break up w/him, that you already talked to Officer X, and if there's any trouble, they are ready to come assist you and your daughter.
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Old 06-09-2013, 11:41 PM
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I told him that night I was done with it all. He actually brought it up and asked where I wanted to go from here, continue or quit. I said quit, he went to bed. Of course he was drunk and what follows the next morning? You guessed it, a bunch of pretending it didnt happen on his part and then when I wouldnt let him get by with that, a bunch of Im sorrys and I love yous. I havent really let him slide too much, he goes to kiss or hug me or says I love you and he gets some sort of dimissal. Its small but a step in the right direction. I am holding my ground better than ever before. He was pretty plastered that night, he had been drinking bourbon whereas he normally sticks to beer and he didnt lose it. He was calm the entire time for the most part though he couldnt completely stop the verbal insults sometimes. I am wondering if he might be as ready to throw in the towel as me at this point, wishful thinking I am sure.
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